Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! ❯ The Unwanted Guest, Pt. 1 ( Chapter 181 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

*Author's Note: I have four basic comments here. Since I know you don't want to spend much time reading them, I'll list them off as quickly as I can and let you get on to the fic. So let's go!

1) I have the chapter for the next episode already written; it's just awaiting proofreading. Expect it within a day or two.

2) Don't expect two chapters every week, or even a chapter every week, necessarily. While that would be an awful lot of fun, I expect I will fail at that noble goal within a week or two, due to the demands of the semester. Yet, that's no reason not to do what I can, right?

3) A lot of the jokes and ideas in here I owe to my friends, Greg and Jon. We watched these episodes together on Saturday, and I spent most of Sunday writing these chapters. While I credited especially brilliant things to their proper creators, it'd be a mess if I did that every time, so just know that they deserve a thumbs-up as well (that is, if you think this deserves a thumbs-up at all).

4) The filename "AsIf181.html" scares me. The number there is just too big.

And there we go! I hope you enjoy the story, everyone!*

*Scene: When last we saw our heroes, they were boarding KaibaCraft 28 en route to Domino City, Japan. Evidently, Professor and Rebecca Hawkins and their Happy Cat RV were also taken along for the ride.*

Rebecca: *clangs a ladle on a frying pan* Okay, you slackers! Rise and shine!

Slackers: *almost all literally fall out of bed, with various exclamations*

Téa: All you guys do is eat and sleep!

Joey: *angrily* And?! Your point is?!

Duke: That reminds me, what's for breakfast?

Téa: *sigh!* I rest my case.

Duke: What? You mentioned food! I'm not allowed to inquire after food right after you mention it?

Téa: No! That's crass!

Duke: ... *looks around at the other guys, baffled* It is?

*Scene: If this show turns into a family-style sitcom where everyone's living together, I'm going to cry.*

Rebecca: *looking around, and noticing an empty makeshift bed, AKA a couch* Huh? Where's Yugi?

Joey: He took off!

Tristan: I hate when he does that.

Téa: Yeah, God forbid someone actually get out of bed at a reasonable hour!

*Scene: Yugi walks through the woods grinning at squirrels. Yes, that does look as stupid as it sounds.*

Yugi: *smiles over at Yami* Is something on your mind?

Yami: As a matter of fact, Yugi, there is. It seems every time we restore peace to the world, a greater evil is waiting for us.

Yugi: Yeah, you've got a point there. *frowning* Hey! Look on the bright side. Every battle that we fight together brings us closer to finding out the secrets to your past.

Yami: Hm. That's not technically true, Yugi. Nothing that happened during the past few days brought us any closer to the answer than where we were before it occurred. The same could easily be said for a large part of Battle City, especially where we had to help out Kaiba with his stepbrother, Noa. In fact, most things involving Kaiba are ones that our quest could easily have done without. ... ....Yugi?

Yugi: *too busy trying to talk to the fish to pay any attention* ^__^

Yami: ... *sighs*

*Scene: Yugi can easily pull out his three Egyptian God Cards, since he stacks his deck.*

Yugi: As soon as we get back home, we're going straight to that history museum. And these three cards are gonna give us some answers!

Yami: Well, they had better. *shakes a fist*

*Scene: So, can other people still see and hear Yami, or does that only work in Atlantis, or with undead psycho-maniacal freaks? In any case, neither Rebecca nor Téa makes note of him as they drag Yugi back to camp.*

Hawkins: *responding to compliments on breakfast* There's a lot more where that came from, if you kids want to stay.

Yugi: *shocked, but forcing a smile* Thanks a lot, Professor, but we should all be getting back home.

Rebecca: What?! How can you leave when we haven't even gone out on one single date yet?!

Hawkins: *horrified* Rebecca! He's over twice your age! You shouldn't even be thinking of things like that! *leans over and whispers to her* Besides which, he hasn't even graduated high school yet. You should really set your standards higher.

Yugi and Co.: *sweatdrops*

*Scene: What funny little Japanese forks everyone's using over in America!*

Rebecca: What?! How can you leave when we haven't even gone out on one single date yet?!

Duke: Becca's right! Well, not about the date part. What I mean is, it's too soon for you to leave.

Yugi: "You"? What, weren't you planning on coming home with us, Duke?

Duke: Are you kidding? Nah, this is the life for me! Sun and surf... and you know, I hear that Ryuuichi Sakuma's living out in California now! He's like the greatest singer ever, and he's even an actor now and everything! I just have to go see him! Maybe I could even get his autograph... *_*

Téa: *staring with amazement as Duke fanboys* ... "Men"...?

*Scene: Hawkins steps inside to answer his charging cell phone.*

Hawkins: Hello? ... *gasp* You're doing what? ... No, but why?

Telemarketer: ... Good morning, this is Tim from Verizon Wireless. New this month we have a great deal that I think you might be interested in! ... Yes, we're now offering a comprehensive cell phone/satellite internet connection package for a very, very low introductory price! Are you currently a customer of another telecommunications company? ... Ah. Well, then, I'm afraid that this deal doesn't apply to you. I do hope that you stick with Verizon Wireless, though. Have a nice day! *hangs up*

Hawkins: *puts his cell phone back into its charger* Well, that was exciting!

*Scene: Yami kindly tells Yugi that they don't have to rush home on his account, although he's probably just hoping that if Yugi actually spends some time outside like a normal person, he might pick up a tan.*

Yami: *ghosty* Yugi, I've waited five thousand years to find out about my past. I really don't think another day or two is going to hurt.

Yugi: *not ghosty* Five thousand years? So you started wondering right away?

Yami: Yes, that's right.

Yugi: Wow. I never really thought of it like that. I'd always kind of figured you'd just slowly forgotten, or something. That's really kind of sad. I'm so sorry, Pharaoh! *pulls him into a teary hug*

Yami: ... o.o;; There, there...?

*Scene: Duke evidently really isn't planning on returning home with them, as he also asks when everyone's flights back home are -- resulting in a conversation about how none of them have one. Hilarity ensues.*

Yugi: *looks up with surprise at a loud thrumming sound* That's Kaiba's chopper! But what's he doing here?!

Kaiba: *leaning dangerously out of the side of the copter* Hey, Yugi! I heard you needed a ride home!

Joey: Guh! He... heard?!

Tristan: I'm not sure whether to be thankful or really, really freaked out.

*Scene: I can't figure out whether Mokuba and Roland get the really important jobs, or the really stupid ones.*

Mokuba: *sporting a fancy new VA* Looks like you guys could use a lift!

Joey: *heavily sarcastic* Nah, I'm sure there's tons o' taxis out here in the middle o' nowhere!

Mokuba: Wanna fly in style with us?

Téa: *gasps along with everyone else* You mean it?!

Mokuba: Nah, I just came here to taunt you guys. Big brother's orders -- you know how it is. So I'll see y'all later! *turns with a wave and reboards the helicopter, which takes off while everyone is still gaping*

*Scene: I never try to claim this fic is canonical. It just should be.*

Mokuba: Of course, there is one catch. In exchange for the door-to-door service, you'll have to come by my brother's mansion first. Well, actually, just Yugi will. The rest of you aren't invited. *smirks at Yugi* I hear my brother has quite an evening planned for you two!

Yugi: ... *mentally* I'm not sure whether to be scared or horribly, horribly disturbed...

Yami: *mentally* I would say both.

*Scene: The show goes into a flashback while Mokuba enjoys a mug of some random, warm, white liquid.*

Kaiba: Thanks to that lunatic Dartz and the stunt he pulled, our company's reputation is shot. *looks over his shoulder* And now it's up to you to fix it.

Roland: Yes, sir!

Kaiba: Not you, you moron. I was talking to my brother, Mokuba. You know, the only other one in the room with sense?

Mokuba: *grins* Don't worry! I've got it all covered, big bro!

*Scene: The Kaibas decide to throw a tournament to celebrate the grand opening of KaibaLand, as their last one went so well.*

Mokuba: We'll gather the greatest duelists from around the world, and let them duke it out for a shot at the championship title! It'll be the biggest thing since Battle City ended, last week!

Kaiba: Let's hope so.

*Scene: *sings* One of these things is not like the other... --and yeah, that was pretty much only one.*

Kaiba: *flips through a notepad* Roland! Update these tournament contracts!

Roland: *teleports the pad into his hand* Yes, sir! Right away!

Mokuba: Man, it's really handy how you make all major duelists sign a contract with you, so you can force them to duel in your tournaments at a moment's notice!

Kaiba: Yes, that was one of my more ingenious plans.

*Scene: Kaiba decides to call his tournament "The KaibaCorp Grand Championship," another wonderful example of corporate sponsorship.*

Mokuba: My brother's really busy right now. In fact, he's so wrapped up in his job these days that he won't even be participating in his own tournament!

Joey: *gasps* So rich-boy's not gonna duel?

Yugi: *worried* That really doesn't seem like Kaiba.

Téa: Almost makes me wonder if Kaiba got a girlfriend or something! You know, someone to show him where his priorities really should lie.

Everyone: ... *bursts out laughing at the thought*

*Scene: Mokuba seems really stressed. Poor kid.*

Mokuba: We're inviting the top-ranked duelists from every corner of the globe to battle each other for a shot at the world championship title. But in order for us to do that, we need the world champ.

Téa: So, this is just Battle City all over again, then? Same duelists and everything, I'd think, since it's only been a week.

Mokuba: Oh, no! No, no, no. You see, because of the way my brother's last tournament was played, all the previous best duelists in the world lost most of their rarest cards! It'll take them months to get the money to buy them all back or rebuild their decks. So most of the people you'll see here are just those who were too busy to come all the way out to Japan last week. So that's why it'll be such a smaller tournament, too.

Téa: Ohh, I see! I think. *thinking* Geez, this game really does a number on people's lives, doesn't it?

*Scene: Yugi and Yami agree to duel, and Joey and Rebecca both insist that wherever Yugi goes, they go.*

Mokuba: It just so happens I was told to invite all three of you! So I have a ticket here for Yugi, Rebecca, and Joey. *hands them out*

Duke: Hey, what about me? I'm a better duelist than Joey, and he's a better one than Rebecca! So if they're in, I should definitely be invited!

Mokuba: Nope, sorry, Duke. You market a competitor to Duel Monsters, and that's just not the kind of thing we can have associated with our tournaments. If you wanna join, you'll hafta get rid of your game!

Duke: Aww, dammit! I can't stand monopolies. *grumbles and kicks a rock*

*Scene: Introducing Siegfried, the Freaky German Kurama.*

Siegfried: So, my dear friend Herr Kaiba is throwing another tournament, is he? How charming! Vell, like I always say, every rose has its thorn! *chuckles and takes a red rose out of a vase filled with them* So, you'd better be careful. For even ze most delicate flower can be quite dangerous. And I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself. *smashes his rose into the picture on his computer screen of BC!Kaiba* Leave that to me! Auf wiedersehen, Herr Kaiba!

Maid: *mouths over Siegfried's head to her counterpart* 'Is he gay?'

Other maid: *nods and mouths back* 'Why did he hire us?'

Maid: *shrugs helplessly* 'Got me.'

*A/N: For those not fluent in German... that's what Babelfish is for!*

*Scene: Thanks to Jon for the joke!*

Mokuba: Ladies and gents, welcome to KaibaLand!

Joey: *awed* It's huge!

Tristan: *oddly* Dude. You're foggin' up the window.

Mokuba: We plan to open tons of these all around the world! There'll be KaibaLand, KaibaLand Japan, Euro KaibaLand...

Cheerleaders: *sweatdrop and shudder*

*Scene: The helicopter flies over KaibaLand, city and country unknown.*

Téa: Looks like they've got every ride ever invented!

Yugi: *hyper happy* Oh, yeah!

Rebecca: I just hope they have a Tunnel of ~Love,~ don't you?

Yugi: Uh... *edges away nervously*

Téa: Um, no thanks. Just the thought of going through some creepy Duel Monsters-themed Tunnel of Love is enough to scar me for life!

*Scene: Joey is walking through KaibaLand when he nearly runs into a one-third-scale model of a BEWD.*

Joey: AHH! It's Blue-Eyes!!

Téa: *looks back at him* What? Why are you afraid of a statue when you play with life-like holograms all the time?

Joey: Dammit, it's freaky!!

Mokuba: *just laughing*

*Scene: Of all the rides in KaibaLand, the Blue-Eyes White Coaster makes the most sense.*

Joey: Let's Tilt 'n' Whirl until we hurl!

Tristan: Oh, yeah!!

Téa: *sighs* I need some female friends. Maybe I'll give Mai a call later to help save my sanity.

Yugi: *overhears that, and is surprised* What? You have Mai's phone number?

Téa: Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I?

Yugi: ... Er, I guess...? o.o;;

*Scene: As for the thing in KaibaLand that makes the least sense, it would be this -- both because of its massive ugliness, and because of what's inside it.*

Mokuba: I saved the best part for last! We call that the "KaibaDome!"

Yugi: ... Is that a Blue-Eyes arena?

Joey: *staring* We're not dealing with normal people here.

Duke: *clutching his head so his brain doesn't fly out* No... we're not.

Téa: ... *thinking* That's the best part? *kneels down* *sweetly* Hey, Mokuba? How about you and I go off for a while and talk about things? I'll buy you some ice cream! *thinking* This kid needs some serious counseling.

Mokuba: *cheerfully* Yay! Ice cream! ^_^ *skips off, followed by Téa, who goes bearing the best wishes of everyone else there*

*Scene: The KaibaDome contains a dueling arena with an advanced AI, despite the fact that dueling arenas are made by Industrial Illusions and so are in direct competition to KaibaCorp's Duel Disks.*

KC Dueltek 760: *with a pleasant but grammatically challenged female voice* Revealing Magic Card. Activate Scapegoat.

Random duelist: *blankly* That's weird. That move makes no sense. Why activate Scapegoat now.

Téa: *leans down* Uh, Mokuba? Which of those two is supposed to be the computer, again?

Mokuba: *sweatdrops*

*Scene: The cheerleaders see no reason not to talk loudly during someone else's duel.*

Joey: Looks like your "state of the art" computer just made a rookie mistake!

Mokuba: Just watch and see!

Yugi: I have a feeling that facedown card's a trap, Joey.

Rebecca: You're right! Well, either that or a magic card.

Yugi: *nods* Mm, you're right!

Téa: *howling mentally* They're... so... stupid!!

*Scene: The computer plays DNA Surgery to turn all the monsters on the field into Dragons, because Kaiba's willing to put up with even a Scapegoat in his computer's deck as long as it can become a Dragon.*

KC Dueltek 760: Now fusing together all creatures on my side of the playing field in order to form five-headed dragon monster.

Mokuba: Oops, that's a bug! The computer's supposed to announce the name of the monster, not its type. I'll just go fix that. *flips open a control panel on the side of the arena and starts typing away*

*Scene: The Mythic Dragon -- I'm sorry, the Five-Headed Dragon Monster -- stands ready to crush the human duelist.*

Mokuba: Our computer was programmed to mimic the strategies of the world's best duelists. We've imported Seto's deck... and Yugi's, too!

Yugi: *watching the Mythic Dragon* And the Big 5? Since when were they part of the world's best duelists?

Mokuba: *smirks* Well, my brother thought it'd be fun to watch their deck keep getting beat, since they never supported converting KaibaCorp to a gaming company at all. That really is his type of thing to do, you know.

*Scene: I hang around with too many duelists if I'm finally willing to include jokes like this.*

Mokuba: Our computer was programmed to mimic the strategies of the world's best duelists. We've imported Seto's deck... and Yugi's, too!

Yugi: Um, I do change my deck sometimes, you know.

Mokuba: No, you don't.

Yugi: *surprised* I don't?

Mokuba: Nope. Well, actually, you do, but it generally only makes it worse. Just why did you get rid of the Summoned Skull, anyway?

Yugi: *sweatdrops* You guys know too much about me...

*Scene: Then again, would Seto really want everyone to have such easy access to knowing what every card in his deck is?*

Yugi: *thinking* What an awesome way for kids to practice dueling and improve their skills!

Yami: *ghosty* Yes! A few more duels like this, and I think Luke there could be a world champ!

Yugi: *mentally* That's awfully-- Wait, how did you know his name was "Luke"? I don't think Mokuba ever introduced him!

Yami: *shrugs* Odds are we'll never learn his name, so I decided to make one up for him myself. Just for convenience.

Yugi: ...uh, I see... ^_^;;

*Scene: Count yourself lucky that I didn't go for the more perverted way in which Yami could have known Luke's name like that. This scene introduces Leon, the Cute Elementary School Kurama.*

Random friend of Luke: Nice try, Luke! Looks like you owe me a Blue-Eyes Burger!

Joey: Aah! Kaiba's makin' food out of Duel Monsters now?!

Mokuba: *lying cheerfully* Yep! We have this whole breeding facility out back where we raise them for that very purpose!

Joey: AAAH! I'm gettin' outta here!! *turns and runs*

Téa: *rebuking as he flees* That wasn't very nice, Mokuba.

Mokuba: *cheerfully* On the contrary, I think this tournament'll be a lot more fun now!

*Scene: The horde of pint-sized duelists mobs our heroes for autographs, some even making very weird gestures with their hands at Rebecca that I'd rather not think about. Yugi eventually manages to ditch one especially persistent fan showing off his dragon-only deck by giving him a free card, Heart of the Underdog. This duelist, Rick, goes off to duel, while my friend Greg cracks a joke.*

KC Dueltek 760: Initiating Duel Play.

Rick: *eagerly* Let's duel!

KC Dueltek 760: Commencing Duel Seque... *power goes out*

Mokuba: Rick!! You can't say it like that! You have to say it really loud and commanding, like this -- "Let's duel! (duel, duel...)"

Rick: Oh! So if I shout like that, it'll echo really impressively?

Mokuba: What? No, of course not. You have to provide your own echo effect.

Joey: Duh.

Tristan: Geez, even I know that.

*Scene: Despite the obviously massive stress Mokuba's under, no one feels any need to pause in ragging him about the power failure.*

Joey: *laughing* It looks like the Kaiba boys forgot to pay their electric bill!

Rebecca: Either that or there's still some kinks in your system!

Mokuba: *runs over to the arena and starts typing* That's impossible! We've worked out every possible bug!

Tristan: Are you sure? Maybe your computer system just couldn't handle having to process a deck that bad. It could've overloaded from the awfulness!

*Scene: More ragging.*

Mokuba: That's impossible! We've worked out every possible bug!

Duke: Well apparently ya didn't. One bug must've somehow slipped through the cracks.

Mokuba: Stay calm, everyone! I'll figure this out!

Yugi: *hyperventilating*

Téa: ...uh, Yugi? *touches his shoulder*


Random assembled duelists: ... o.o;;

Leon: ...we respect him, again, why?

*Scene: The power comes back on, and all the doors suddenly close.*

Mokuba: It's not responding! I've lost all control!

Rebecca: Step aside, Mokuba! *plugs her PET... er, PC into the arena and starts typing*

Mokuba: What? But what can you do?

Rebecca: I'm a super-genius. Ergo, I know your system even better than you do!

Mokuba: *sweatdrops* Hard to argue with logic like that.

*Scene: Rebecca reports that a high-end hacker (actually Siegfried) is responsible for the KC Dueltek 760's new voice and personality. This is despite the fact that neither the Dueltek's new voice or personality is anything like Siegfried's. Of course, it's not like anyone knows it's Siegfried yet, so they're mentioning none of this (not that they would anyway).*

Mokuba: Who would do this? It's pointless! It's just an amusement park attraction! Why would someone want to break into it?

Joey: Dat's because duelin's the most important thing in the world, kid!

Mokuba: *sweatdrops* Great. I didn't think there were other people in this world as insane about Duel Monsters as my brother.

*Scene: Rebecca poses like a model in her geek-chic outfit, complete with laptop.*

Joey: I say we tear that scrap heap to shreds!

Tristan: I'm with ya, bro! Let's go!

Duke: Hold on! If you do that, we may never get outta here!

Tristan: What? But why?

Duke: Think about it logically! It's not the duel arena's fault that it's been hacked. That piece of machinery doesn't have anything to do with it. But if we run around destroying KaibaCorp's private property, do you really think Kaiba's gonna be happy with us? We'll never get a ride home from him if we do that!

*Scene: It's sad when my scenes are reduced to desperate attempts at rationalization.*

Rebecca: The only way to get outta here is to defeat that computer in a duel!

Téa: A duel? You're kidding me, right? How did you arrive at that conclusion, anyway?

Rebecca: It's easy. It's written right here in the code, see? Look at these comments off to the side -- they should make it clear even for you. *shows the laptop to Téa*

Téa: ...oh, yeah! Wow. That's really nicely done.

Rebecca: Isn't it? I'm actually almost kind of impressed. Then again, this is just KaibaCorp... Anyone can hack into here.

Mokuba: I'd protest, if the evidence didn't show it to be true. -_-

*Scene: Yugi notices that the computer has "set itself" to Level V difficulty, and Rick panics -- not that you can tell easily with that VA.*

Yami: *ghosty* Yugi! You know what we have to do! *nods to him*

Yugi: *mentally* Okay! *takes off the Puzzle and throws it up to Rick, shouting* Hey, Rick! Put this on! It'll make you a lot better at dueling -- you'll win for sure, I promise!

*Scene: Actually, Yugi just transforms and leaps up onto the arena with a single bound. Rick backs away, looking appropriately surprised.*

Yami: Hold on! I'll take it from here! ... *notices Rick's freaked look* ... Is that alright?

Rick: *sweating and staying away* It's cool! *thinking* Oh God, he's such a freak, please don't let him kill me!!

*Scene: Leon, the Cute Elementary School Kurama, looks surprisingly happy at this turn of events.*

Yami: Alright, let's duel! I don't know who's behind this, but whoever it is, they must be stopped!

Yugi: *mentally* Yeah! They might be trying to take over the world, like everyone else recently has been!

Yami: *mentally* What? Oh, I suppose they might. I hadn't even thought of that. I just couldn't stand seeing Kaiba's dream destroyed like this.

Yugi: *sweatdrops* Oh. Well, I guess that works, too...