Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Bakura's Birthday! ❯ Bakura's Birthday! ( One-Shot )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: We do not own Yugi-Ho or his boyfriends or Mai-chan

or Her Royal Blindness or Mini Kaiba or Peg-leg Peggy

Warning: Um…*Pyrro Tsumi looks around nervously* Well, Taichi and I are insensitive bastards so if we say anything to insult your religion or race or sexuality or sex or ethnicity or shit like that, it's just because it is funny! ^__^ So if your name is Brittany Dumaine or Jun, you probably won't want to read this.

You have been warned. ^^ Gleebin.

BAKURA'S BIRTHDAY!! -and other assorted… gems

"What a gleeful day! I'm so pleased you could all attend my birthday party!!" Bakura smiled enthusiastically, hugging his arms to his chest and jumping up and down happily in a circle around his guests. "We'll have a hopping good time, I'm sure of it!" Readjusting the hem of his NEW party dress, Bakura quickly took to "relieving" the guests of the gifts and skipping off to a picnic table in the yard.

"Alright…you may leave now," Bakura shooed, as he began ripping the shiny, purple paper from Yugi's present.

Honda blinked slightly. "Wha..?"

"I saaaaiiiidddddd," Bakura repeated slowly, examining the Rainbow Brite bed sheets he'd unwrapped before chucking them over his shoulder, "you may LEAVE now!"

"Hey!" Anzu shrieked, stomping a foot (which caused the entire yard to shake). "I spent my entire minimum-wage paycheck just so I could get your lousy present! I think I ATLEAST deserve a decent party!!"

Bakura sighed loudly, rolling his eyes and setting down Joey's present that was rolled up in a clump of comic strips. "Alright…you've convinced me." Bakura took a breath and patted her head before wiping it off on the ruffles of his dress. "YOU may leave, everyone else may stay. Now, shooshoo. Off with you."

Anzu gawked wordlessly. "Wh…whaaattt?!

Bakura jumped to his feet. "Oh, goodie! I was hoping you'd resist!" He suddenly closed his eyes and inhaled sharply. "DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DDDDDDD!" Bakura grinned cheekily as the color drained from Anzu's face. "Ha! My Dad is going to KICK. YOUR. ASS! I am the fifth daughter of Queen Elizabeth! Do not speak to ME in such a manner!"

Everyone simultaneously gasped. (Hey, it was GONNA happen eventually.)

Suddenly King Richard the eighth burst forth from the front door of Buckingham palace and beat Anzu over the head with thine royal scepter. It was kinda funny, because nobody had even realized they'd left JAPAN to get to Bakura's house. Hahaha.

So eventually Kingie retreated to go watch some soaps and the festivities continued without the worst character in the entire Yu-Gi-Oh! series.

"I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES…I DON'T LIKE SPAM!" Bakura bitched, hurling Honda's present back at him as it bounced off his forehead.

"A thousand humble apologies…your highness…" Honda grumbled, folding his arms and slumping slightly.

"If you were ANY kind of dorsal-fin-headed gentlemen caller, you'd have given me SPANKINGS for me birthday!" Bakura protested, crawling across the picnic table and grabbing his collar.

"Now why would anyone want to be spanked for their birthday? That's just silly…" Yugi laughed to himself as everyone marveled at his adolescent stupidity. He was ignored of course, except by Joey who shot the corruptible youth an intrigued, perverse grin.

"But…if you really…don't love meeee!" Bakura stifled a "sob" as he collapsed across the table and hugged his body tightly.

Being your typical anime boyfriend, Honda gulped and shook his head. "Noo! Noo! I love you, darling! Really-"

"Good!" Bakura exclaimed, sobering quickly and jumping to his feet. "I'm seventeen-years-old today," he instructed, bending over in Honda's face, "put em' there!"

Honda stared skeptically at the frills n' lace clad "bum" that monopolized his vision. "Ummm…"

"Well?!" Bakura tapped his foot impatiently, "what are you waiting for? Our CHILD, Mitsubishi's, coronation ceremony?!"

The remaining guests, consisting of Seto, Joey, Yugi, and Mai waited expectantly for something to happen. Well, Joey and Mai were the only one's really interested…Yugi was making friends with the wildlife and Seto had wandered off to… pick flowers…? (Yeah….)

"Well?!" Mai growled, "Touch him, dammit!"

"Yea! I wanna see some action!" Joey added, crossing his legs and biting his lip.

But before Honda had a chance to do anything, Pegasus jumped out of the bushes where Yugi was befriending a squirrel, clad in a firemen outfit and carrying a boom box.

"There's a fire…In my pants!" Pegasus shouted, immediately punching the play button on his boom box and promptly stripping to the tune of `hot stuff.'

" Waaahhhhh! The Queen Mother is turning in her grave!" Bakura wailed, rolling off the picnic table and scratching at his eyes.

"You said you wanted some," *pelvic thrust* "ACTION! Oh yeah!" Pegasus taunted, dancing around the yard.

"That wasn't me you incompetent, blithering pit-wit! That was that dolt, Joey!" Bakura clarified, cradling his head painfully.

"So be it. Come with meee…." Pegasus smirked, curling his fingers in Joey's direction and moon walking back into the bushes.

Not being one to object to a good screw, Joey waved goodbye to his party-going friends and followed the stripper-man into the woods.

"Get me medical attention! I seem to have punctured me paddle!" Bakura screeched, grabbing his foot in agony and analyzing the tiny splinter.

Due to extreme mental blockage on author's part, we shall now move on to Anzu, who is plotting revenge in hell.

"AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO! IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!!" Anzu wailed, pounding her freakish, distorted "face" on a cavern wall. For you see, we create our own hell. (In this fic anyway) And Anzu's is…a cave. "Curse you cave! You punish me so! You wrack my sensitive, booty-licious body with such anguish and torture!" Anzu paused briefly to loose a staring contest with the rock wall and then continued. "What was that? You want to collaborate and put an end to my so-called friends?!"

The rock wall, obviously, did/said nothing.

"My you are a DEEEEEEVIOUS little cavern, aren't yooouuu?!?" Anzu squealed, hunching over to the wall gleefully as if it might just "say" more. "What? You've laid your clutch of eggs in my navel?!" Anzu blinked dumbly. "Hoorah! We're fathers!"

WB's excessive commercial break…. Tra la la. X-Men-Danimals-Medicinal Marijuana-

"Hoorah! We're fathers!" And for one split moment in her life, Anzu thought. And think she did… "Let's get them back by saying I'm pregnant with…Mai's baby! Haha! They'll never guess!" So Anzu skipped off to ask the Grand Kai if she could have one more day on Earth.

Bakura spent a span of 36 hours contacting Dr.Quinn and flying her out to England to heal his tender wound. He had asked to be given anesthetics, for the pain was more than he could bear, and had forced Honda to stand a lonely vigil while the life-staking operation was taking place.

Meanwhile, Seto, Mai, Yugi, and a freshly pleasured Joey are waiting most dramatically for the results of such a risky operation.

"Whhhyy?!? Take me instead!!!" Yugi sobbed, curling up in a ball and rocking back and forth on his heels. Everyone ignored Yugi; they're used to it by now.

Seto paced back and forth even though he really didn't know why, it just seemed appropriate.

When Bakura woke from his operation, he was quite groggy and Honda had his way with him. Twice. And then they rejoined their friends outside.

"Oh god! You're saafeee!" Yugi cried, flinging himself on Bakura and rubbing his face on his belly button.

Just then the little, fat, german paper boy went by.

"Ooo-de-lalie! Let's give chase to the plump little chap that just went a rollin by on his wee trike!" Bakura giggled, clapping his hands and running after the kid.

"Guten tag! Oooh no!" he grunted, pedaling as hard as his stubby legs could go.

Seto also wanted to catch the fat little boy. He wanted to hang his head on the wall for all visitors to marvel at, or at least give it to Mokuba for his 12th birthday.

"Hauck haucking hauck! Shmookey shmikey shmack!" the boy grunted as he approached a big hill. He was beginning to sweat profusely and it was dripping in his eyes and blinding him kinda like Shizuka.

Seto called in for a rich-bitch, fancy pants fighter jet with huge machine guns to take out the paper totin' fat kid.

"Oh no you don't you lil' doodlebug!" Bakura whined, kicking off his party heels as he ran down the crowded sidewalk and took out a few of those soldier dudes who just stand there and don't laugh and wouldn't even move if you smacked em in the nuts with a crowbar. That's loyalty folks!

So, as the little boy found his way to the top of the hill, Bakura was running after him and Seto was aiming his guns. There was no choice. So he ditched his bike and rolled down the hill. "Hauck hauck. Hailing Hitler!" he cried as he was run over by a jewish pastry truck. Now that's irony.

The drivers exited the truck as they adjusted their little Yama-Hats and sprinkled powdered sugar over the pudgy face of the dead. "Mazel tov," they murmured, climbing back in their truck, backing up and running him over again before taking off.

And so it was that the little, fat German boy never delivered all of his papers. His body was shipped to some desperate, gay actor in Ohio who had his way with him on a twirly office chair. Chair goes round. Chair goes round.

In hell…

"OH PLLLEEAAASEEE GRANND KAAIII!!" Anzu shrieked, glomping his leg and rubbing that god-awful, monstrosity of a face to his stomach.

"IT BURNS!" the old man cried. "Just go! GO!"

"Woooh! Get a dog little longie!" Anzu giggled, pushing a slipping boot back in her bra and skipping off only to have a little German boy fall on her head.

"Oh! Greatfullyness! Hauck hauck! It is you fearless leader!" he yelled happily with glittery eyes as he hugged Anzu's ankles for dear life. Or death. Whatever.

And so it was the little German boy teamed up with Anzu.

Seto and Bakura returned home sadly with no fat kid. To cheer himself up, Seto took out Yugi's wildlife friends with his guns. Then he felt good. But Bakura was still pissed. Royally…

COMMERICIAL BREAK!! Jackie Chan, Gatorade, Pokemon, TODAY'S JEDI MASTER CLUE IS JEDI MASTER! Nads, viagra, presidential campaign 2089...

Next week on Pokemon! Professor Oak has a startling self revelation concerning his feelings for Muk. *Is it wrong to think of this glorious pile of shit in such a manner?! I want to slide my hands in the curves of his slime!*

*All the freaky little kids get Yami's hair signaling that the show is back. Yay.*

Royally…

All right everyone it's time to digivolve!

Yugi has wandered off in the woods to look for more friends when he stumbled upon a dead willow tree with a really crappy tree house. He recognizes it right away as the home of his secret crush, Weevil! He climbs up to have a peek. "Weevil, are you home? I need to talk to you. It's important!"

Weevil is lying in a coffin surrounded by funeral candles and freshly cut roses. Hearing Yugi, he sits up. "Yugi Mutou? What business have you here in my dark lair? Huuuuummmmmmmm?" *light bulb goes off* "Oh no!!!! You have found the whereabouts of my safe haven, my envelope of eeeeevvvvviiiilllllllll!!!!!! Be gone pure one!!! You are enlightening the demonic karmaness with your happy smiles!!" *hiss, hiss, hex sign.*

Yugi walked over to Weevil and kneeled before his great oak coffin. "I have something to tell you. It's important you must know…"

Weevil groaned loudly. "Fine, but make it snappy. The prince of Baltimore is beckoning me back to the world of dreaming damnation. Or as you mere mortals like to call it… sleep!"

Yugi took a deep breath and began. "Well, we've been friends for a long time now… like forever almost!" *giggle* "And there is a bond between friends that we share, but ours is growing into something. Something more, Weevil, I love you!!!!" A forced movie magic tear runs silently down his face.

Weevil considered slowly. "Yugi Mutou… I um… You wish to join me in the dark circle?!? Excellent!!! But first in order for you to become one of us, we must rid you of your plaguing innocence your.. Dare I say it? Your virginity!!"

"Umm…okay!" Yugi shrugged, not really knowing what a virginity was anyway. So Weevil pulled him into his coffin and made sweet bug love to him.

Meanwhile…

*flashback in Egypt because it's convenient and fun*

Seto (in his kick ass high priest dude get up) hums in a low, seductive tone. "I am the amir of the desert and I come fly 'round you, I descend in the night time and bring the camel, and I've come to rock you well…"

Yami (also all pretty and dolled up like his Pharoah self) is making odd vibrating noises with his tongue while laying on a sand dune. "Lilililililipa, lilililililipa, lilililililipa, lilililililipa, lilililililipa, lilililililipa!!!"

Seto snapped on a blue medical glove and turned to Yami. "Come to my tent, I'm gunna circumcise you!" he grinned, following with a string of sadistic laughter.

WB is subsequently sued for ripping off the lyrics to Coal Chamber's `Amir of the Desert.' (Pyrro Tsumi and Taichi's way of disclaiming a song. Hint, hint.)

Um… present day.

After destroying all the squirrels and raccoons that were Yugi's wildlife gang, Seto skipped off to manipulate Jounouchi- or are we calling him Joey? *frown* You get the point- because he is easily…manipulated…*shrug*

Little did Jounouchi know, he was dealing with SETO KAIBA, SMALL ANIMAL OFFENDER- one of such, little puppies. ^_~

There was also much else that Jounouchi didn't know Seto was… a staff member at yaoicon, otakon, AND portcon (yeah, I wish) a youkai, paopei human, crown princess of jurai, true brujah justicar, an extra in the cast of sex in the city, bounty hunter, pilot of the white ingrid- all that cool shit, but Jounouchi didn't care as long as he had… um, penetrable bodily openings!

So, since there really is no crafty way of ending this besides the casual destruction

of a planet and everyone putting aside their differences to wastefully spend the last few minutes of their lives in an immense orgy… Yes, this includes even the silly malnourished Africans down in the far, vast reaches of Tikiland, for even those with a very deadly and wide spread sickness must rejoice. Oh joy, the best place at the con! (Otakudom rip off…I`m sorry Marty! ^^* Ah, sorry. A word that knows no boundaries…) We shall settle for what we have just advised against and you will believe every word that is said, because it's what you want to hear. Convenient, no?

" Oh no, alien abortions shall be a thing of the past if these planets continue to explode for the good of the viewers!!" Honda observed, reading ahead in the script.

" Won't some body pllllleeeeaaaassseeeee think of the ccchhiiilddrreeenn?!?" Yugi cried, clinging for dear life to Weevil's leg.

" Ack! Thine holyness... so…pure! Final death. I have been TTTAAAAIIIINNNTTTEEEDDDDD!!!! WHHHYYYYYY?!?!" Weevil whined as stretching streams of smoke started to rise from the spot where Yugi clung.

" I know!!" Joey yelled, snapping his fingers and clearing a space on a suddenly appearing table in the middle of the white blank space this paragraph hast provided. " We can sew a bunch of squirrels together to make a biiiiggggg kite and fly away! I'm a GOD! The only problem is…where are we going to find that many squirrels?" The room fell silent as all stared wide eyed at Joey's suggestion.

Bakura, still picking through his brightly colored boxes of cheap joy, frowned in disappointment.

" Your highness is displeased?" Mai observed, kneeling down to meet Bakura eye to eye.

" Damn straight…well kind of, but, I'm right pissed! This birthday sucked!! The only good gift I got was the mood ring I pulled out of the bitch flakes I ate for breakfast s`morning! Now we're all going to die…and I was saving myself for my wedding night!!!" He continued to whine as he walked over to the now available picket fence and began banging his head off it. " Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!"

" Yeah… wedding night…Hehehe…" Honda laughed nervously, scuffing his shoes on the floor that is now existent.

( Co a/n Taichi: Well you see, as we all read, Honda had his way with Ryou twice when he was somewhat groggy from the deadliness that was his splinter and doesn't remember that he is no longer a virgin. How sad.

Pyrro: *Nods head in agreement.*)

" Ah, but you forget, as the authors cleverly…Er…or not so cleverly but more out of boredom, provided us with the confirmation that we will get laid before we die." Mai reminded Bakura.

" Humm, greenish yellow?" Bakura observed closely, pulling out his ring decoder sheet that came with the cereal box prize. " Love? What the `ell? I`m not feeling love; I`m so bloody pissed righ' now it`s not funny! Who the `ell comes up with this crap? I'll knock their blinkin' block off!" he yelled angrily, tugging the ring off his finger and throwing it into the vast white beyond, conveniently hitting Pegasus in the head.

Picking it up, he slid the cheap plastic toy onto his finger and laughed happily. " Greenish yellow. I feel the burning passion of love deep inside me! Hoo-ray!!! Oh Jounouchi boy!!!!"

And for that shining moment Bakura had done something not totally self obsessed…wow. And as that long haired dog on the movie Balto said: "I'm Speechless."

But one has to wonder, was that feeling deep down actually love lingering in Pegasus's loins, or something more?

So everyone decided to have sex! Yes!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK!!

Bakura: NO MORE COMMERCIALS! NO MORE!!!! I've had it up to here with your pathetic, American ads!! NYYYAAAHHHH!! *Hair stands on end as his Yami takes over and beats the shit out of a few WB producers*

And the show magically came back on!

And so everyone decided to have sex! Yes!! But while Bakura was leading his troupe of party guests towards the palace and his royal chambers they fell into… a hole! But not just ANY hole; a PLOT hole! And they landed, fully loaded, at the parking lot of… A BEACH!

//Author's nod heads dumbly//

"YAY YAMI!! Swimming, swimming!" Yugi giggled happily, running around in circles whilst Yami tried to prepare him for the unforgiving sea before them.

"You! Puppy known as Joey!" Seto yelled from the parking lot, next to the two, as our little sister likes to call them, "the angry and happy twins". (Yugi and Yami)

" Whhhhhaaaaaaaaattttt?" Joey whined in frustration as Honda and Mai assisted him in climbing a nearby tree, so that he could gather the squirrels that were living there most contently to build his big ass skin kite.

" I refuse for my flawless feet to touch this recycled sand! You will be blessed with the opportunity to act as my chariot and carry me, and my many expensive belongings, across this blazing hell!"

" But I dun wanna!!!" The blonde cried, falling from his high perch in the tree and plowing through an occupied squirrel's nest.

" I didn't ask if you wanted to, did I? Now get your poor, minimum wage, k-mart clad a-" Seto fumed, but was then cut off by one of his multiple playmates at the Kaiba mansion…

" Bip, bip, bip!" Yami scolded as he shook the bony finger of blame at the multi-billionaire. " Beeeehind," he corrected, gesturing disapprovingly at his smaller self of whom he was presently blowing up water wings for.

" Well, I'm ready for some fun in the sun!" Bakura smiled brightly, using one of the most overused phrases known to man as he skipped across the parking lot in his floral sundress, floppy hat, and swinging his tote bag.

" Hey Bakura, wait for me mmmmmkay?" Honda sighed as he gave up poking Joey whom is still recovering from his fall with a stick and running of to join his "snow angel."

( Co a/n Taichi: sorry, had to do that. Inside joke. Lol)

" Big brother…" Mokuba whined, tugging on Seto's shorts and distracting him momentarily from his blood lust. "I saw some surfer guy do this." The younger Kaiba promptly stuck up his middle finger questioningly. " What's it mean? What does it mean when they tell you to sit on it?"

" VIIIIIIIIRRRRGGGGIIINNNNN EEEEAAAAARRRRRSSSSSS!!!!!" Yami cried glomping Yugi to his chest tightly and covering his ears.

" How rude! I'm going to box that man's ears and teach 'im a lesson! Doesn't he know we have babies on board? I think that man needs some estrogen replacement!!" Bakura raged as he applied overly excessive amounts of sun block to everyone in the group except for Mai, Joey, and Seto. Because a). Joey grabbed Seto and all of his crap, running six miles down the beach as soon as he heard the bottle open, b.) Bakura is afraid of Seto`s black fist of fury, and c). Because he didn't want to penetrate Mai's bubble of womanly personal space.

Shizuka, who had been broken out of the hospital by Joey, stumbled blindly, literally, down the strip of sand, happy to have come back to the beach with " Oni-chan".

" Biiiiggggg Brrrooottthhhhhhheeeeeerrrrrrrr!!!!" Shizuka yelled happily as a crab attached it's self to her ass. " I LOVE THE SEEEAAAAAA!!!!!"

Once Bakura had completed protecting his friends from the hazardous effects of the sun's ultraviolet rays, Yami began to set up Yugi's `safety buoys' which allowed the vertically challenged duelist roughly 3 cubic feet of safe, netted, ocean fun. ^^ Of course, just to be safe, Yami pulled Yugi's waterwings up his arms, pulled his zebra inner tube up Yugi's legs, fixed him up with a lifejacket, pulled a swim cap over his head and snapped some goggles over his eyes. As he shoved a snorkel in his aibou's mouth and pulled his flippers on his feet, he handed Yugi a kickboard and his toy boat (the S.S.Taito!) and allowed him to finally waddle across the sand and into the water.

"Look at meee!!!" Mai shrieked, feeling completely and utterly hurt that she was in a bikini and nobody but the drooling Pyrro Tsumi cared. Well, I suppose that's what she gets for hanging around six gay men and a blind kid. "HEEEYYYY!! I DROPPED MY TOWEL!! NOW I'M BENDING OVER TO PICK IT UP!!!" Mai looked around finding no one who gave a damn. "BEEEENDING OOOVER!!!" ><

Joey suddenly gasped. "Look! Seto Kaiba's in a SPEEDO!!!!" This created a sudden torrent of fanboys and girls shrieking and running down the beach towards Seto who had only a second to blink before he was slammed into by a million and a half pounds of otaku.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! Minimum wage! It burns!!!" Seto screamed. "HEX! Hex, Walmart shoppers!!!!! Lassie! LASSSSSIIEEEEE!! You were supposed to be protecting your Master you useless mutt!! GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

And so Joey killed all the otaku!! ^_^* Hehehe, no hard feelings now guys. It's only a flesh wound!! ><

Meanwhile, Yami had set up his beach chair and was contentedly completing the crossword puzzle in the Sunday paper. "Hmmmm…a three letter word for a small animal that meows and rhymes with fat…Hmmmmm…" And suddenly it struck him as he cackled and furiously wrote the answer, "OBLITERATE!!" He moved to the next one. "A two-letter abbreviation for the word `hello'…hmmmm…OBLITERATE!!" At this point Yami wasn't even reading the clues. "OBLITERATE! OBLITERATE! OBLITERATE!! MUAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

" Honda, come swimming with me!!!!!" Bakura giggled girlishly, splashing about in the water.

" No way man… I have to um…tan? Mmmmmkay?" Honda stated matter of factly, as he quickly turned on his heel and sat on his Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat beach towel.

" Fine, suit yourself! Bastard…" Bakura grumbled moodily, swimming out past Yugi's safe buoy haven and floating around on the waves. He was having a `jolly good time' when suddenly his Yami made his presence known.

"Boy!! You boy!" Yami Bakura shouted, storming back and forth in his Soul room. Bakura immediately brightened.

"Why, hello Yami! I haven't seen you in such a long time, and stuff and junk and stuff!"

"Never mind the pleasantries, you! Now, do as you're told and steal the Pharaoh's millennium puzzle!!!! NOW!!!!" Yami Bakura barked.

Bakura scoffed. "That's not very considerate, Yami! What if Yugi's Yami was planning on pawning it for booze? HUH?! He wouldn't be able to if I *stole* it from him, now would he? And anyway stealing is a serious crime you know! Yami darling, I hope you're not stealing people's personal belongings!! I'll box your ears and kick you in the knickers if you are!! That'll smart for weeks!! Now… are you eating properly in that ring of yours? Are you comfortable? Do you need new drapes?! OH! Guess what!? Yesterday I-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Yami Bakura, the incessant small talk finally getting the better of him. "JUST. SHUT. UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" With a sigh, Yami Bakura regained his composure. "Well, I suppose If you remain to be disobedient, then I have no need for you, boy."

So Yami Bakura took control of Bakura's arms and legs and forced him to continue swimming out, certainly to face an untimely demise at the hands…er… tentacles of a… tentacle monster.^^ "Swim deeper, boy! AH-HAHAHAAAA!!"

"Umm…Honda?! A little help here!!!" Bakura screeched.

"Laalaalaaa…caaan't heearr yoouuuuuu, mmmmmkay??" Honda exclaimed, clamping his hands over his ears and bobbing his head side to side.

"HHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOONNDAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

" I am a true vision of beauty. Do you see how the sun's rays cast light warm shadows upon my shapely breasts, of which are covered by my eighty dollar low rise bikini?" Mai lectured Joey, sighing happily as she rubbed what was left of the tanning lotion onto her skin.

( Co a/n Taichi: *Peels Pyrro away from screen* Down girl, down!)

" Joseph, are you listening to me? Joseph!?" sliding her sun glasses down her nose, Mai looked around for Joey.

" Fetch. Bwahahahahahaha!" Seto cackled from his beach chair next to Yami's as he chucked a hailstorm of beach pebbles in Joey's direction.

" Pebble, pebble, pebble, pebble, pebble, pebble, pebble… fetch, fetch, fetch!!!!!" Joey repeated in a hyped up fashion as he stood beneath the falling missals in an attempt to catch one.

Leaning over the side of his beach chair, Seto raked his fingers through the sand and discovered a piece of driftwood. Smiling smugly, he waved it in the air over his head, whistling. "Heeeree booooooy! Cooome get the stiiiiick!!"

"Oh yeah, right. As if I'd actually sink so low as to run after that," Joey scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest and dropping a handful of pebbles behind him ashamedly.

Seto hurled the stick as far as he could into the waves. "FETCH!!!!"

"Yessir," Joey complied, running past him and jumping in the water after the stick. "Hi Bakura," he waved briefly as he passed his drowning friend.

"Joey, thank god! Help me!! I don't want to be here!!" Bakura sputtered through a mouthful of water as his arms continued to take him out to sea. "I'm too good looking to die!! SAAAVE MEEEEE!!!!!"

"Hmm…no can do Bakura my girlish man," Joey shrugged, determinedly continuing to stroke through the water after his prize.

Bakura began to choke on a mouthful of water. "WHY THE BLOODY HELL NOT?!?"

"Stick," Joey grinned.

" Oh for heaven's sake!" Plunging his head under the water, Joey bobbed his way back to shore with the drift wood firmly molded to his gnashing canine teeth.

" Good boy!" Seto cheered in an unusually giddy tone. (At this point Seto and Joey are off in Seto's dream world playing fetch with the love bubbles and sparkles and the "puppy song" by Harry Nilsson playing in the background.)

From his perch high above the beach goers, Pegasus rubbed some zinc oxide into his nose and spread gloriously across his lifeguard chair of power.

//Snickers rip-off in 3.….2.…1.…//

Hmmm, he thought to himself as he looked up at the seagulls. I didn't know these ocean birds went `Oh my bloody Christ, save your Queen!' I always thought they went `caw'!! And as he paying close attention to the seaside wildlife, a strange tingling sensation ripped down his spine." Hmm…there go the Spidey-senses…" Pegasus mused suspiciously, grabbing a pair of binoculars and scanning the beach for rule-breaking swimmers. And finally his eyes caught site of a dorsal fin! Which could only belong to… A SHARK! AND IT WAS HEADED RIGHT FOR A PRETTY WOMAN WITH WHITE HAIR!! Panicked, Pegasus leaned over and called for the army, navy, national guard, a big kid's meal at Burger King, and the girl scouts. With that done, Pegasus leisurely lowered himself down from his lookout tower, grabbed his life preserver, and began his slow, steady lope down the beach. "There's a ..shhaaarkkk!" Pegasus called seductively, whipping his hair over his shoulder and trying to look like a chick from Baywatch. "A shaaaark."

Coming to the shoreline, Pegasus immediately dove into the water and paddled quickly towards the soon-to-be-victim. "Quickly, babe! Graaab the liiiife saver!" Pegasus smirked, catching up to the swimmer and pushing it towards him.

"I can't have candy, dolt! I'm on a diet!! And all the msg in this water can't be good for me so heelppp!!!!" Bakura wailed, continuing to stroke through the water.

Pegasus quickly grabbed Bakura under his arm and with the aid of his life preserver, began to swim back to shore just as the entire Japanese military showed up, surrounding the dangerous fish and leveling their guns at the shark.

"DON'T SHOOT!!!!" the shark, who's dorsal fin was actually Honda's hair protruding from the water cried. "I'm just a kid with a sunburn!!" ><

" Paddle faster damn you! I can feel my body beginning to bloat!! It`s like a sponge, it absorbs alllllllllllllllll the water. It just TAKES and it TAKES, like my loveless relationship with ol` sharky over there!!! It`s all going down hill `cause I`m…FAT!!!!! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Bakura bitched as Pegasus labored, paddling towards shore.

" Ahh!! Yami heeelllppp meeeeeeee!!!!" Yugi cried as he tried his best to clumsily paddle away from the seagull that kept dive bombing him. Not looking up from his very important word search Yami waved Yugi off in the typical parental way when a family is visiting the beach. " Yes I see you, very nice Yugi…"

" Yammiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Stay back you mean ol' birdie. Pick on someone your own size!!" Yugi tried again to ward off the angry beach dweller. However, much to Yugi's misfortune the bird did not heed his warning. " Run away, run away!! Yammmiiiiiiiii! Helllpppp meeeee!!!" Yugi cried, flopping around in this three feet of water.

" What do you want? Can't you see that I'm busy? I don't have time to play your little games!!!" Yami yelled exasperatedly, tossing down his cross-word booklet only to see a little boy giving it his all to dive under the water only to bob back up due to his life preservers. Also, there was a reason for this strange site. You see it seems a hungry group of at least six or seven seagulls thought that he looked like a good snack and are now pecking at his butt every time it bobs out of the water.

" Nooooo! Off you barbarians, back!!!!" Yami screeched as he picked up his booklet again and ran down into the water to swat the unpleasant creatures from his love's behind. After the last bird flew off, Yami scooped the limp body of his young lover into his arms.

" Y-yami, is that you? I waited so long… I'm glad you came." Yugi coughed in that movie magic way as all their surroundings dimmed and one lonely spotlight zeroed in on them.

" Yugi, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen…please don't go." Yami poured his heart out as he held Yugi closer.

" It's okay, Yami. I want you to know that I l-love you with all my soul." Touching Yami's face softly, he smiled weakly.

" No Yugi, don't talk like that. You aren't going anywhere." Yami reassured Yugi with a quick squeeze on his shoulders.

" What's that? Yami where did you go? It's all going black. it's the end for…me." Yugi sighed as his eyes rolled back in his head. (Yugi Mutou. Time of death, Saturday July fifth 2002, four forty-nine p.m.)

" Yugi? Yuuuuuugggggiiiiiiii!!!!!!!! NNNOOOOO!! WWWHHHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!" Yami cried, pounding on his dead koi's chest.

" Owchies! Ya know what? I think you're ready for that audition in West Side Story…. Ouch. You're really good. That gave me gooselle bumpies! Teehee!" Yugi smiled opening one eye. Hoo-ra! He's alive!

" Really? Do you think so Yugi?" Yami asked, sitting back on his haunches. Yugi nodded his head in approval. " Uh-huh!"

" Yes! Well then…I suppose you'll want your pay now so…" Yami grinned seductively and leaned in on Yugi … and then he….PULLED A TEN DOLLAR BILL OUT OF HIS SWIM TRUNKS!!!!!! Ha, we almost had you there! "C'mon, ace, let's go get some ice cream."

" YAY!!!!" Yugi giggled clapping his hands together.

~ meanwhile in hell. ~

" Ready kiddo?" Anzu cackled evilly.

" Ya! Hack hackity hack! Apple strudels!" the chubby German kid sang out with a pudgy grin that pushed up both his checks covering most of his eyes.

" Okay then, let's go!" Anzu shrieked, placing one hand on her hip and the other pointed out in front of her like sailor moon. Watching her movements closely the chubby foreigner did the same. And they were transported back to the living world!

~and at the beach~

"They put cats and dogs in those, Joooeeyyyy!!" Yugi accused as he slurped happily on his strawberry, kiddie-size ice cream cone and pointed at the hotdog Joey had just bought, and was currently loading with any and all condiments the snack shack had set out.

"So? They put seaweed in ice cream," Joey shrugged, biting a huge chunk out of his hotdog and chewing happily.

From his perch on Yami's shoulders, Yugi stopped mid-lick, eyes wide. "Do they reeeaaallly Yami?!" Panicked, he threw his cone to the sand. "Eeeewies!!"

Meanwhile, Bakura leaned over the counter and looked around innocently. "Oi…you there! Yeah, I'm going to need a bucket if you don't mind too much, sir. I'm fat and need to throw up RIGHT NOW!!!"

The clerk at the counter of the snack shack, a lifeless teenager with abundant acne and an overbite, looked uneasy as he handed Bakura a large bowl.

"MOKUBA!" Seto screamed, running after his little brother. "Put your damn clothes back on! You're not a goddamn hippie!!!"

Clad in nothing but his own head of thick black hair, Mokuba streaked across the shoreline giggling loudly and shouting, "Weeee! Freeeeedom!! Take THAT suppressing swimming trunks!!"

Stumbling back across the beach, with practically every sea creature imaginable attached to her body, Shizuka collapsed at Mai's feet, who was leaning against the snack shack and drinking an iced tea. "Oni-chan…" she coughed weakly. " If only I could see your face now… if only, my dying wish!!" However, currently not much of Joey's face could be seen by anyone except for Seto, who had given up on Mokuba, had tackled him to the ground where he proceeded to suck out his face and ravage his body. Joey's hotdog tumbled from his limp hand and rolled across the sand. A set of hungry eyes fixed themselves upon it.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!! FRANKENFURTER!!!!!! GLEEEEBIN!!!" The little German paper boy shrieked in fatboy delight as he waddled across the sand towards Joey's hotdog.

"Nooo! That's not part of the plan!!" Anzu called, jumping up from behind a beach rose bush and running in slow motion towards her tubby accomplice. "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Joey's eyes turned away from Seto just in time to see the kid heading for his food, an ominous growl escaping his lips. In slow-mo, he tore away from Seto and dove for the kid. Everyone suddenly looked up just in time to watch Joey pounce on the fat kid's gut and take a great, big, yummy bite out of his jugular vein.

"HAUCCKKKKKK!!!!! DUMPKOFF!!! WEIß KRUEZ!!!!!!!!" he gurgled as Joey tossed his head, shaking the kid around and splattering his blood everywhere.

Seto looked on with a admirable gaze. "Gooood boy! That's a GOOD puppy!! You get a cookie!"

"COOKIES?!" Bakura wailed as he continued to toss his guts into the big mixing bowl.

"NOO! My partner in criimmme!!" Anzu yelled, yanking the dead body away from Joey and kicking him.

Yelping, Joey went tumbling across the sand, landing at Seto's feet and glomping onto his legs in fright, whimpering softly.

The group of Seto, Naked Mokuba, Mai, Yami, Yugi, Bakura, Almost-Dead-Shizuka, and Honda- who had just come back from being beaten up by the Coast Guard, stared in shock.

"Boots just kicked the puppy!!" Yugi screamed, bouncing up and down on Yami's shoulders and pointing at Anzu.

"You bitch, that really hurt!!!!" Joey whined, standing up and rubbing his side.

Anzu huffed, tossing her head with a satisfactory grin. "Not as much as this news will!!"

"What?" Everyone chorused, because this fic just wouldn't be complete if everybody didn't speak simultaneously ONE more time.

"Thought you'd be sneaky too, Mai! Didn't want them to know…THAT I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! THE JIG IS UP, BLONDIE!!" Anzu cackled, throwing back her head for a good hearty laugh.

"That's a load of poo, Boots!" Yugi exclaimed, tugging on Yami's hair slightly.

"Yeah," Mai rolled her eyes. "Like I've never heard THAT one before."

Bakura opened his mouth, ready to get in on the fight. "False pregnancies, or the expanding of a shapely, womanly body like mine or Mai's-

"GOD! THANK YOU BAKURA!" Mai gasped, grateful that somebody had finally noticed her luscious, supple, sexy, curvy-

*Pyrro is thwacked by Taichi, who has somehow obtained Shuukou Tan's fan*

body. (><)

Bakura henceforth giggled. "You go girl! But any-hoodle-doo," he quickly sobered. "Anzu, that's not croinken funny! I say we bludgeon her with sharp objects till the cows come home! What do you say men?!"

"No! Ummm…..Friendship is like an ointment! Wherever you rub it, it feels better! We gotta love one another! PEACE! WOOORLD PEEEAACE!!" Anzu wailed, slowly backing away from the angry mob. And this….gentlemen, is the fun part.

*THE DEATH AND DESTRUCTION OF ANZU!*

"This is the part where we go into town, a' riding and a' romping, a' whoopin and a' whompin…"

"It's hurtin time!" Jounouchi grinned, cracking his knuckles and approaching Anzu with a sadist grin.

"It's Hammer Time!" Honda cheered.

"It's tea time!" Bakura called, whipping out a teapot and swinging it from side to side with a predatory smirk crossing his face.

Seto frowned. "What in hell are you morons talking about, it's 5:37 in the afternoon!!"

Well, despite the time, seeing as how it's not incredibly important, it was indeed time for Anzu to die…again.

(I'd like to interrupt this fic, as a request from my barnyard beauty Tenka, to say…

Pudding.)

But how one would go about killing such a beast is beyond me so…. She will be subjected to every American' s worst nightmare, PROPER DIET AND EXCERSIZE!!!!!

All around to care: GASP!!!

"Now Anzu," Yami began slowly, handing Yugi over to Coast Guard-beaten Honda and suddenly having his not-so tall figure illuminated by a blinding spotlight. "If there's one thing I've learned from my ancient ancestors, it's that it is important to live day to day by one VERY substantial concept…" Yami then ducked down and came back up in a top hat and carrying elongated versions of a flail and crook for his cane. "THE FOOD PYRAMID!"

"FOOD pyramid??" Bakura whined, suddenly becoming incredibly disinterested in whatever Yami had to say.

"That's right my scary, androgynous, white friend!" Yami exclaimed, flashing a cheesy grin for all to see.

" NO!! Not regulated diet and exercise, which you'd have to be absolutely foreign to love!" Anzu Will Cry!!!! "Ooooooh popcorn! Thanks Johnny Abati!"

"Noooo!" Yami cried. "Go Go Gadget Crook!" Yami's crook then shot out to like a thousand times it's size, knocking the popcorn extended to Anzu's face to the sand.

Yugi cleared his throat, jumping down from Honda's arms and walking over to Yami and Anzu. "You know Anzu, if you're having problems with your sugar addictions, perhaps you should turn to masturbation! It worked wonders for me!"

Yami's eyes widened. "Aibou…"

" What? If ya got it, flaunt it!" Yugi giggled

"Har Har Har…much obnoxious laughter!!" Seto burst out laughing, falling to the ground, and pushing himself around in circles with his legs. "Oh…Obelisk that was good! Heeheeheehee! How I laugh at you, pathetic Pharaoh!"

Yami`s jaw clenched, annoyed. " I'll ignore that sudden outburst of sexuality… ehm."

"ARACHNID!" Mai suddenly shrieked, lunging forward and stabbing Anzu in the chest with a cross. "Like that, BITCH?!"

"No actually. That was quite painful," Anzu replied solemnly as blood streamed down the front of her shirt.

"Mai! Don't kill her yet! I haven't even sung the food additive song!" Yami shrieked, slamming his hands to the sides of his face and looking much like an Egyptian version of "The Scream."

"We must bleed her till she's mortal!" Jounouchi instructed.

Blinking twice Anzu stood stupidly… per usual. Noticing the spilled tub of buttery, fatty popcorn lying defenselessly in the sand she decided to give it another try. Whistling to herself, she scooted over to viciously grab the bucket and proceed to run to the shadows to rape the unsuspecting kernels. As her meaty paws reached for the striped, processed cardboard bucket, she was suddenly grabbed by a gooey hand, bursting up from the dormant sand below!!! It was… FAT AND CARBOHYDRATES!!!

" Come with us Anna Nicole, you along with Cosplaying Fat-Sanzo have been summoned by the holy court that is Jarrod! I hope you're hungry…" The carbs and fat informed our junky antagonist as they absorbed her and sank back into the sands from which they came… wiggy.

"That was Anzu's climactic death?!" Mokuba cried in disgust. "That sucked! What happened to rifles and meat cleavers and dynamite and acid and human sacrifice?!? Classic blood and gore people!! COME NOW!!"

The remaining Yugioh cast fixed Seto with "The Look" that I'm sure we all know.

"Oh, like he learned that from ME??" Seto defended

" Yeah!" Joey objected whilst munching away on the remains of our German friend.

"Darling," Seto coughed, making a motion for Joey to wipe his mouth. "Blood mustache."

" That's just not right…" Bakura sighed stepping away from Joey who was looking for a nearby person to wipe the blood on.

To conclude, Yami stepped up to the camera.

" We like sweets a lot

but they make our insides rot

so remember it's your body

and the only one you've got!"

*pose/fanfare*

And so the world was again safe! Except from the crazies and sandmen, but hey, we can only do so much. And as all beach movies and such end with a friendly bonfire on the beach, so will ours!

" And that's how Seto got testicular cancer!" Mokuba trailed off, taking a big, gnashing bite out of his marshmallow on a stick.

All was quiet… too quiet. Then Yugi farted, causing a nuclear winter!!

Pyrro and Taichi: *fake Jamaican accent* Just kidding, mon!

Taichi: Kiss my egg!

" Oooooo! Seto! Seto-chan! I say SETOOOO!" Joey yelled excitedly scampering around Seto feet.

" What the hell do you want NOW?!" Seto groaned, setting his foot on the blonde's forehead and pushing him away.

" Next week is our anniversary!"

" Anniversary of what? My testicular cancer?" GLARE!!!!!

" No!! Our wedding!" Joey whimpered, saddened at the thought that his narcissistic lover might have forgotten.

" I wish I were going to be wed. I'd do it in style! Anyone wanna know how??" Bakura offered happily.

*crickets*

*Seto turning his head and coughing* (Har de har har)

*Yugi farting*

"Good! It'd go a little something like this!"

*harps*

" First off, if I'm going to do all that planning only to walk down that aisle ONCE, you can forget it! I'm walking down that aisle a total of five times. FIVE! Above the door frame there will be a neon sign flashing `Ryou' and below that there will be a thin screen of white paper. My brides men pop out one after the other! Then Joseph, representing the Bronx, he'll lean over and say " Girl you better get your groove on, cause you gettin' married Bee-yoootch!" Then I BURST out of the paper and work the "run way" to the techno music! It's me and my brides men! We're posing, and posing, and posing, and posing. Now for the music video portion of my wedding… Linen drops from the ceiling, and there are fans blowing the linen around. Pews start blowing up! Yugi's grandpa? On fire! Water rushes in putting out the flames, SAVES his life!! Now let's break it down. At this point I'm very wet and looking very, very sexy. I rip off my dress to reveal leather pants, thigh high boots and a whip! As I saunter down the aisle, my fiancé, Honda-"

" What?!" Honda interrupted with a look of fear and shock plastered on his face.

" Not now, Darling, can't you see I'm talking?" Bakura reassured his companion.

" Anyways, he will be tied in chains and slowly lowered to the ground were I shall proceed to beat the crap out of him!!" Bakura finished excitedly, gasping for breath. "So, what do you think?"

*tumbleweed*

*an orchestra of crickets*

"Why do you always do that?!" Bakura cried. "Even on me birthday!!

Ho ho ho! Eezma, it's your birthday??

And to bring this fic to a conclusion… the random death of Barry Pepper!

(Heehee, just to piss a certain someone off even more…)

Ummm The End?

Taichi: The End!

Pyrro Tsumi: The End!

Both: The End!