Crimson Regret

Yugi's Ending: Sorrow and Joy

(A/N: A little note for you people. Yugi's ending is happening around the same time Ryou's ending was so there would basically be no interaction between them. Maybe at the end…)

Yugi's POV

It's been one hell of a recovery. I've been doing things that I shouldn't. But I couldn't help it. Yami somehow doesn't come around anymore. I keep wondering if my presence is really that disgusting. Am I that annoying because I'm silent? It's just so hard for me in accepting the truth. Yami and Aya I can hear are in some great relationship.

Yami's promises sure are making me feel great. I sighed. Maybe he really doesn't want me and has moved on because he knows what I could do again and wouldn't want to deal with it. Should I see a shrink? Nah, Ryou told me the one he had is driving him mad. I looked at the clock. Ryou was still at his appointment with his doctor. Seems like I can't see him at this time.

Ryou doesn't know it but I somehow admire him. There's just something about him that I don't get. It's as if I lost him I would lose myself also. Such sweet torment isn't it? Ah but there is always something else to miss. What I've learned this past few days was that the more you have the more precious things you have to lose. It's bullshit that the only thing I would miss was cutting myself up into shreds.

Damn, I feel like it right now. I reached for the blade on the table. There was a speck of blood on there. Now that was not good. At least by my standards. I slashed on my arm watching the red blood stream out of my body. I slashed again once it stopped. I don't know why. I could feel myself being lost at every slash. I can feel myself lose to life.

Hey does that make me a coward? I mean people say that people who kill themselves are cowards. Does that put me there? Huh does it? Forget it. I don't have time to know if I am. To others I can be but to myself I'm not. Aren't people scared of dying? Tell me would you be the person holding the gun or the person about to get shot?

If they weren't going to shoot a loved one they would be the ones holding the gun but if they were they'd probably decided to change their minds. How dumb is that? Make up your minds!

I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling well at the moment. I keep thinking about death and suicide. It's such a wonderful thing to me. Don't mind me. I just don't know what's going on. My mind is messed up and I can't think straight at the moment.

I stared at the ceiling. I think I see some images in the black paint. Wait a minute…

Black paint??

I don't remember any black…paint. Oh god where am I? I sat up to see myself in this dark room again. It was like when I lost my memories. Am I in my mind? Or is this some sort of dream? Maybe it's some sort of dream. I could barely see anything. Maybe I belong here. It's so dark and no one particularly wants me around. It's peaceful, quiet, and would probably seem utterly boring.

Maybe if I close my eyes and make myself fall asleep again. I'll be back in the real world. So I closed my eyes and forced my mind to force me to sleep. Soon I didn't know anything except the ringing noise outside in reality.

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I snapped my eyes open and sat up abruptly. I looked around to see my alarm ringing. Dammit. Why didn't I turn it off? Better yet…

I took the clock and threw it across the room. Hearing it shatter was music to my ears. Now I don't have to deal with that anymore. A few seconds later Yami came in and looked around worriedly. Now I wonder why. He looked at me, concern written all over his face. I smiled sheepishly.

"I'm fine. I just smashed the clock on the wall. I'll clean it up," I said and walked over to the mess picking it up with a small smile on my face. I heard him sigh. He kneeled down and helped me pick it up.

This felt weird.

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The past few hours were…entertaining. I didn't expect anything yet…I don't know. I don't know what Yami's intentions were. I expected less.

Well if you wish to know, we actually had a conversation. A normal conversation. I was uncomfortable the whole time. It hurt just talking to him because I couldn't feel anything. I was saddened. I don't know why. I'm ignorant to what he means. Maybe his intention was to confuse me? No, I would've known if something was up. But I wondered why he's spending time with Aya? I know why but I just had to ask something. I've been imagining things. Colors I see are always red. Those flowers in the vase in front of me…they're red… They remind me of blood. I knocked the case over hearing it shatter along with some flower petals. I took a look at my hands. I was confused. It seemed I couldn't tell right from wrong, dreams from reality. I don't…know. I wish I had my answers.

My eyes trailed to the mess I've just created in less than four hours. I sighed and stood up so I can clean it before Yami gets back. He might yell at me because the flowers were the ones Aya picked out.

Dammit, I can't stop thinking about that. I fell into a sitting position from where I stood. I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my head in the space. Why am I pondering this now? It's not important. I told myself it doesn't bother me and that…I'm being selfish for even thinking of Yami belonging to me…in a way, it was sort of true yet he was never there for me to begin with. He only came along when my grandpa took a trip.

Am I really that annoying that he'd go as far to avoid me as much as possible? What do you think?

Never mind. It's pointless.

You know, before when there was no one but Anzu as my 'friend', I always thought that that I was annoying because I was silent. Even one of my classmates said I was annoying. I thought my grandpa was annoyed at me and abhorred my presence. One night I ran on top of a building and was going to jump so I could make my only living relative happy. But…I couldn't because I was scared.

I was weak, physically and emotionally. I could never stand up for myself someone always had to do it for me. First Anzu then came Jounouchi and Honda. Finally without knowing it…Yami came. He was everything I wanted to be; I wished to be. When we separated he became my replacement. I guess Anzu, Jounouchi, and Honda found me a burden and to be boring. My mind kept feeding me that emotion. Soon I began to believe it and also thought of myself as a burden to everyone. If only I wasn't so weak and kind hearted. If only I was more like Yami. I scoffed at the thought of it.

I could never be like him.

When I became to get lonely I thought of killing myself. My purpose was finished. It was my job to have a family and friends ready for Yami to take over. Since he already took over I decided to end it but I hesitated and missed. I tried again but hesitated every time. Soon after a year, I never noticed, but I cut myself all over. It actually felt good and calmed me down and I just continued.

I realized that all this time, I've been trying to find myself or find another purpose to live. I wanted to die so badly but my weak mind refused my one heartfelt request. One part of me believed that I could find someone who would be friends with me. I thought I had to act like not myself like everyone else does so they could stay friends and be accepted. I wonder why they can't just be themselves instead of pretending who they're not?

Anyways, I was about to do the same thing myself until I saw Ryou. If I told people what I did to myself they'd turn away but Ryou never did. I usually wasn't that close to him but since he and I did the same thing we were closer because if Ryou did manage to go through with it, I would be left with nothing in my life to live for.

I laugh at what I just thought. Here, I'm being selfish. If he wants to die, let him. I won't feel guilty or anything. It was his decision.

I stood up and proceeded to the kitchen. I needed to clean it up before he gets back. Sitting around sulking on how my life sucks is just going to delay it. Dumb isn't it? Ah, whatever.

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Oh god another hour of nothing being done. I'm still here sitting in the living room doing absolutely nothing. After cleaning up my mess on the floor with the vase I didn't have anything else to do. Looking around I felt like destroying everything then cleaning it up. You know, I think I'll do just that.

First object…lamp. I took it and flung it as far as I could towards the wall. It shattered. Well at least it's somewhat gone. I took the next one and broke every object I could. As I kept going I didn't feel bored anymore. It was like I was taking out all my negative emotions just doing this. All my pain was being vented just by doing this. It was a coping mechanism.

It felt like an hour before the whole place just looked like a tornado hit. Now I think that this will keep me all night. I need to get to work. As I passed the front I noticed someone slip something in through the mail hatch. I'll get it later.

Cleaning is so much fun. I don't know. I feel like I'm being relieved and released of all my problems. I don't feel like killing myself anymore…

Wait, what am I thinking? Maybe doing this is letting me think positive about life when there isn't really any reason to. Why do people wish to live when they really don't want you there? To them you put on a mask, hiding what you really are afraid that they'll hate you for being like that.

I stopped and glanced outside the window. It was raining. What a perfect day. Yes, a very beautiful day to go outside. Putting aside what I was doing I went upstairs to change. I put on a t-shirt and some regular jeans. I rushed downstairs and out the door. I realized I just ran past Yami and Aya. I didn't care. It was pointless, everything is. There is never anything to live for.

Someone would always take everything from you without even realizing it.

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Yami's POV

I froze as Yugi's running form ran past me. I looked in his retreating direction. Completely forgetting about manners, I handed Aya the umbrella before dashing after him. I was afraid that he'd do something to himself that is going to make me regret living this second chance in life.

I'm probably being selfish but I don't want this to happen. I felt like I took over his life without permission. I felt like I was replacing him. I should've never…

I lost him as he ran through the crowd. I was going to give up and go back but my instincts told me to continue. I sense something wrong and I have a very faint idea of what it is.

I hope I make it in time.

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Yugi's POV

I ran as long as I could while trying to avoid hitting people and getting ran over in traffic. I took deep breaths, calming myself down before looking around to see I made it in the park. I sweatdropped. Is this some condolence place?

I shrugged. It was better than nothing. I walked around until I found a suitable bench. It's hard to find a good one these days. I looked around at the people. I noticed that they were taking a nice long excuse to cuddle up because it's freezing and I'm only in a t-shirt looking like a drowned rat.

Then I noticed Ryou. But he didn't see me. He was in his own little world because he was glancing somewhere. I looked in the direction he glanced at. It was Bakura and Taki. Suddenly Ryou bolted into the forests. Bakura ran after him leaving Taki all alone. I just stared bewildered. I was going to go after them but then I realized that Ryou wouldn't want that. So I just stood up and began to run back. After a few steps I fell to the ground, very weak. I think I'm suffering something.

I made a notion to stand up but I couldn't do anything. People passed by me and left me there. Maybe they were afraid that I was just acting and would just rob them of something if they brought me to their house. If they were the ones lying down here motionless I would've been kind and actually take them to my house or call an ambulance. Since no one would help me I tried getting up on my own and managed to but taking another step was impossible because I fell back down on the ground. I sighed. I didn't bother to get up anymore. What's the point? No one would take care of me and I'll just die because I was sick from hypothermia.

Suddenly I felt myself being picked up by someone. I couldn't struggle because I was numb all over. I tried to see the person's face but all I saw was nothing but darkness as I fell into unconsciousness.

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Yami's POV

Looking around for Yugi was tuff even when he only has the only different hairstyle. Then I remembered seeing him at the park a few times when I followed him when he was walking alone. Yugi didn't know it but I was always watching out for him because I didn't want anything to happen to him. I cursed at the rain because it was sort of hard to see anything.

I went to the park and looked around. I didn't see anything until I heard whispers of someone unconscious lying on the pavement. These people wouldn't even help?! How unbelievable!

I rushed to the person and saw that it was who I was looking for. I picked Yugi up. He was sort of conscious. I didn't bother to say anything because he probably wouldn't hear me and me standing here looking foolish is just going to make his condition even worse. I didn't bother to go back to a hospital. I think he'd hate me even more for it.

I carried him back to the house and placed him on the bed. I then left after taking off the top layer of clothing. I left his undergarment on for the sake of his sanity. He'd probably blow my head off if he found out that I did that. I came back carrying a bowl of cold water and a small towel so I could help with his fever. I hope that he won't be disappointed in me for this.

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Yugi's POV

I woke up groggily. It was cold and my head felt like it was on fire. I think my brain cells are dissolving. I tried to clear my vision. All I saw were blurs of colors blended together. I could make out that someone was actually taking care of me since the person is standing by my bed. Is that Ryou?

No, Ryou doesn't look like that. He'd have platinum blond hair not hair that looked tri-colored. Wait, that means that it's Yami. Damn what the hell is he doing here? I thought I was at the park? I want him out of here. Just maybe I could tell him to go. Yeah, but my voice doesn't seem to be speaking to him. He probably thinks I'm still sleeping.

"Yugi? I know you're awake," I heard him say. Aww, and here I thought I didn't have to do it. Jackass. I'd rather go home and die. Hey, I'm home aren't I? How stupid of me. I tried to speak but my voice was caught in my throat. I need a glass of water stupid. Can you understand that?! As if he heard me, he left. I sighed in relief that he actually did. But then I gave up as he reentered with a glass of water. Damn.

I sat up slowly so I wouldn't make myself pass out again. In fact I feel like it right now. I took the glass from his hands and placed it to my lips sipping the water. He took it from me what I was finished. Great now I owe him something for not leaving me on the concrete. Now what else can I make him do? Oh yeah, that weird mail I got.

"Hey, Yami? Can you get me the mail that's on the table?" I asked politely just without the please.

"Sure," he said before walking out. I wonder where Ryou went. Bakura was the one who went after him when he ran in the mini-forests, as I call it. Yami came back with the letter. I took it from him and he walked back out saying that he was going to fix them something to eat. Not that I minded. I opened the note and noticed that Ryou sent it where Yami wouldn't know it was he.

Dear Yugi,

I'm very sorry that I had to do this but I just couldn't take it anymore. And I hope that you can forgive me. But I'm deciding to end it early. Again I'm sorry but I have to. Maybe I'll see you in heaven or hell or wherever if you don't believe in that stuff.

Your friend,

Ryou

WHAT THE HELL??!!!!!

How dare he do this to me! What the hell was he thinking?! He promised me that we'd actually die together. That selfish jackass! I crunched up the paper and threw it across to the trash. So that's what he was doing in the park. God I can't believe him! I covered my hands over my face in frustration. Now what was I going to do? He's going to be gone and I'm going to be alone and I'm going to be selflessly living this world. Maybe I should just end it just like he did.

That would be a good idea.

I stood up and grabbed my knife exactly where I left it. The blade glinted in the light. It looked good enough. Without hesitating any longer I slashed. At least this time it was no safety razor. Damn it was so refreshing. It still smells like new coins. Yes, when I'm gone so will all my problems.

"Yugi!" I heard my name being called and myself being placed in someone's arms. Most likely Yami's since he's the only one around. Dammit. Can't he ever butt out of my business? I felt him healing me. No, this isn't what I want. I vainly tried to push myself away from him but as always it was useless since I was always the underdog in any case. Even taking my life I thought it would be so much more easier than this.

When he was finished, I had my strength replenished. I stood up and slapped him across the face.

"Dammit, why can't you just let me go?! Do you really want me tortured that much?!" I yelled out before bolting out of the room.

I couldn't get very far because he caught me from behind in the middle of the stairs. I struggled against him but it was all to no avail because I wasn't as strong as he was. I still tried to get away. Maybe jumping off a building would be better because no one would catch me.

"Let go of me," I said in between struggles. He didn't listen.

"Yugi, calm down," Yami said.

Calm down? How the hell can I calm down?? I'm being prevented from doing something that I wish to do. I kicked him in the shin but it didn't work because he just bended a knee. God why can't he just let go?

He sat down bringing me with him. His arms were still around my body holding my arms trapped between my sides. I don't want to hear anything he says. All I know is that if he kept me alive any longer he was just going to be with me with guilt. It's something I don't like!

"Yugi! Yugi, listen to me," he began sternly, "Don't do this. It isn't worth it."

"Why the hell not?!" I responded back while still trying to get out of his grip even if it is fruitlessly.

"Because Ryou's still alive."

That sentence made me stop.

He's…still…still…alive?

"How would you know?" I asked coldly.

"Because I read the note. Bakura and him are in their house at the moment. He told me Ryou was alive. Considering your kind of thinking I figured you might try something." He answered.

Dammit all to hell! Why am I always so predictable?

"Well what are your reasons for keeping me alive? You have everything you wanted."

"No I don't."

"What? You want more?"

"Yes, unfortunately."

"Unfortunately? You mean you don't want it?"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what do you mean?"

"The one thing I want is something that is always out of my grasp. Every time I almost reach it, it always moves farther and farther away until I could catch up to it."

Lunatic.

"What do you need me to do first?" I asked. There has to be a reason why he wants me alive. I know for a fact that it isn't because he wants me here. Stupid liar. I can tell.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing."

"Well then why am I still alive and okay?"

"Because I wish for you to be here. You're the only one who actually keeps me sane."

I stopped struggling. I keep him…sane?

Dammit I give up. I sighed and leaned back with my head resting on his chest. There's always another time. I can live just for him even if it isn't real. Besides Ryou's still here.

We could die another time because…

Our will to die is much stronger than our will to live.

~ Owari ~

Kinshin: I apologize for this being very late. I think it's been a few weeks since I updated. And I'm very sorry that it's probably not as angsty as Ryou's ending. Anyways I wanna thank you reviewers and visitors! The Alternate Ending will be up probably…um… I have no idea. But rests assure people that it will be up for those of you who want the alt. end. I've already started on it.

Like it? Review! NO FLAMES!