Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ The heroic adventures of Kaibaman. ❯ The heroic adventures of Kaibaman. ( Chapter 1 )

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The heroic adventures of Kaibaman.

~By Sweetdeily.

Otherwise known as; ‘one damn good reason not to play Reshef of Destruction.’

Warning: SPOILERS for the series and a disturbing part of the game boy game.
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We open on the scene of Sweet’s current mind-numbing fear, Mokuba is on a little stage, narrating yet another production of his Kaibaman creation. The gang are off to one side or scattered throughout the mostly three year old audience.

Mokuba: Once upon a time there was a troubled kingdom in some ancient and mysterious place that for the purposes of sticking to cannon we’ll call Domino. The people of Domino were all stupid peasants that didn’t really know what was good for them-

Yami: *To the others, * He’s been around Kaiba too long.

Mokuba: -But luckily, they had a kind and generous king who defended them from evil. His name was-

Bakura: *Interrupting from the crowd in a dry voice* Let me guess, Good King Cole?

Mokuba: *Continuing as if he hadn’t heard them* -Seto. And he was a powerful, strong and suave leader of his people. When the evil pedophile Cyclops attacked the city-uh, kingdom-, who should defeat him but King Seto! Saving the day and rescuing all the otherwise unremarkable heroes that had gone before him-

Yami: Now I /know/ he’s not talking about Pegasus there. Seeing as all Kaiba did was rush in, get molested and then turned into a card- not exactly ‘saving the day’.

Mokuba: *In a dramatic voice* But now, a new terror has arisen! Will the merciful King Seto be able to save the day?

*A guy in an oversized Malik suit walks out with one of those recorded laughter tapes going off*

Malik imposter: Hahah! I will destroy you all! Starting with this fair kingdom! Not even your king will be able to save you!

Malik: *In the audience* Heyyyy! I never said that- I just wanted to kill a certain person! And conquer the world… but no one said anything about destroying it all…

Jou: *as he’s being pushed on stage in a bad renaissance dress with too much make up on* Mokuba is soooo dead. *Dropping into his character with a high voice that doesn’t pass for female even to a bunch of three-year-olds* Oh no! The evil Malik monster! Won’t someone save us poor stupid peasants?

Malik imposter: *grabs Jou clumsily and pulls him halfway across the stage* Hahah! This fair maiden will be my first wife! And I’ll have three or four! Mwuahhaha!

Malik: Now that’s a thought…

Jou: *Swoons while still managing to glare at Mokuba* Ohh! Someone save me!

Seto’s voice from backstage: No!

Mokuba: *nervously* uh… but all was not lost for King Seto was not far off and heard the evil Malik attacking his ill-bred peasants-

Yami: Is that my cue? *Runs out on stage and strikes a pose* I’ll save you Jou- ma’am!

Malik: Now this I gotta’ see. Kill him! Kill him! Bring on the King!!!

Malik Imposter: *makes a shoving motion at Yami* Haha! My dark powers have defeated you!

Yami: *falls rather flakily to the ground* Uhh! Oh no! Who ever will save the kingdom? *Frowning at the imposter* wanna see /real/ dark powers?

Seto: *obviously being pushed on stage by someone* I said no! I am not doing this stu- *notices he’s on stage* crap. Uh… uh…

Mokuba: Suddenly, out of the blue, King Seto arrived! To save the day. *Smiles*

Seto: Crap.

Jou: Oi fat-ass- I mean, Fair King! Please save us! *Bats his eyelashes at Kaiba and discreetly gives him the finger*

Seto: *growls* Fine. Let’s just get this over and done with. Evil dude- feel the power of my fiery Blue eyes white dragon attack! *Punches the imposter in the face; hard*

Malik Imposter: Oh fuck, my nos- I mean, Hahah! *Coughs* such a weak attack cannot defeat me! *Coughs up some blood out of the mask-head*

Jou: Ah, I don’t think you were really supposed to hit him.

Seto: I slipped. *Not even slightly remorseful*

Mokuba: Oh no! King Seto couldn’t defeat the evil monster but luckily, he had another power!

Seto: No. No way. *Crosses his arms over his chest* there is no way I am doing that.

Mokuba: *quietly* pleeeeaassee?

Seto: *frowning* no. No- oh fine, stop looking at me that way. I am grounding you for a week for this humiliation, by the way. *Turning back to the audience* Kaiba power-make out! Up! I mean up! Wait, no… Kaiba-man power on! Yeah, that’s the one. *Narrowly avoiding the magical-girl transformation with a hasty screech. Lights flood the stage and Kaiba rips off his king outfit to reveal the Kaibaman power-suit. * Die now! *Begins beating on the Malik imposter*

Jou: *gets out of the way quickly* Dudddeee. I think you’re killing him!

Malik imposter: Someone help! I think my arm’s broken! Get this psycho off meee!! *Crumpling to the ground*

Malik: Hey! No fair, he can’t defend himself in that stupid–yet attractive–suit! *Jumps up on stage and launches at Kaiba from behind*

Seto: *with Malik on his back, reels over onto his side* Ack!

Mokuba: Uh… uhm… uh… but Kaibaman defeated the evil villain and saved the city!

Seto: *face going purple as Malik chokes him* a-a-h-a-hh!

Malik: Haha! Once I kill you, the beautiful maiden is mine! *Inane cackling*

Jou: Hey! Watch who you’re calling a maiden! *Kicks Malik in the ribs*

Malik: *winded, releases Seto* Ohh, my floating ribs feel like they’ve been detached from the rest of my rib cage.

Yami: That’s called nature.

Seto: *stands up using Jou’s skirt as a handhold* this doesn’t mean I think we’re equals.

Mokuba: And uh… the King took the ignorant maiden home and made her a queen. The end! Long live democracy! The Right to freedom of speech and my time on the pinball machine! *Runs for it*

Seto: I know where you live, Mokuba! *Turns back to Jou* Well, since we’re still on stage… *bends Jou backwards and kisses him long and dramatically*

Malik: Awww, damn. That was my maiden.

Audience: *blink, blink, stare… blink…*


~The end. Stay tuned for more Kaibaman goodness!


Sweet notes: It hurts… in so many ways…