Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Enma's Torment Theatre ❯ Belated Thanksgiving Episode ( Chapter 13 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Enma’s Torment Theatre
Episode Thirteen: Belated Turkey Day Episode
Story: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From The Glacier
Story by: SirPsychoSexy (who has had an extraordinary amount of patience waiting for us to get this out, I should mention.)
Msted by: Chrissy and Rose-sensei

And here’s where I try to give the Koenma/Yuusuke some substance.

On the comment of Akio Ohtori being a man-slut:

DT: Yes, but he’s MY man-slut.
Chrissy: [throws the bishounen at her] And you can have him!!


- Satellite, Yuusuke’s room -

Thanksgiving.

What did he have to be thankful for?

Koenma leaned against the doorframe, staring at the figure lying in bed still asleep. Dimly he heard the sound of someone else up that early in the morning, heading toward the lavatory presumably. The godling didn’t look away from the young man sleeping peacefully.

This person - this soul - this is what he had to be thankful for. Thankful he’d given Yuusuke a second chance at life, made him a Reikai Tantei, that they had come this far. Thankful for the warmth in his chest whenever he saw the boy smile, and how that feeling would grow when *he* was the cause. Glad that he wasn’t dead now.

The Junior God would have found that irony amusing before. Now… He frowned. It wasn’t like he had helped make Yuusuke’s life any safer. On the contrary. And as he looked on the sleeping half-human he could see the tell-tale scars from battles of old. Yuusuke wore no shirt, his blanket falling near his waist, so it was easy to see them even from this distance. There was a large one running along his chest, down his ribs, and the godling idly wondered where it had come from. Rando? Suzaku? Tuguro? Some other fight during the Ankoku Bujutsukai? Or from any of the numerous ones thereafter?

He looked away, feeling suddenly ill.

This scarred beauty was what he had to be thankful for - but what about Yuusuke? That he fell in love with the person who was the cause of his scars? *Koenma* was the one who had sent him on those missions. It was his fault. But now that things had changed, now that they cared for each other, did that change anything? No. Koenma was still the junior lord of the Reikai and Yuusuke was still his Reikai Tantei. They both still had duties to perform and no matter how the godling felt about it, his feelings couldn’t change anything. But it didn’t make him feel any less guilty. On more than one occasion, the missions he sent Yuusuke on had killed/almost killed him. And what if one day -

A weak, sleepy voice, interrupting his thoughts. “Hey.”

Koenma looked back and saw Yuusuke’s wide brown eyes were open and looking at him quizzically.

“What time is it?”

“Five-thirty, last time I checked,” Koenma informed him.

The young human blinked, trying to get the sleep out of his eyes. He yawned. “Why are you in my room?” The godling had been doing a lot of this lately. Just staring at him, sometimes just contemplative, other times with evident sadness. It was getting on his nerves.

“Couldn’t sleep,” was the reply. “And I’m not in your room exactly, just the doorway.”

Yuusuke sighed and just barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He loved the guy, he really did, but did he have to angst so early in the day? “Come ‘ere.”

Koenma blinked in surprise, eyes getting wider. He obeyed however, moving to stand next to the bed. From this angle the scars were more pronounced and it was hard to keep his attention on Yuusuke’s face. Then again, there were small scratches there too…

“What’s bothering you now?” the youth asked him, trying not to sound too grouchy. He was almost positive he hadn’t succeeded.

Koenma opened his mouth, probably to say, “Nothing,” but there was shouting coming from the kitchen. Kuwabara.

“What’s that idiot doing?” Yuusuke muttered. He threw off the bed covers and found a shirt, pulling it over his head while Koenma stuck his head out the doorway.

“Something about food,” Koenma replied, sounding unsure. “Can’t hear from here.”

“Well, let’s go,” the half-human replied, coming up behind the godling. Before Koenma could take a step, however, Yuusuke put a hand on his shoulder. “And I know I’m dense, but I *have* noticed that something’s wrong. You can tell me, you know.”

Koenma smiled slightly, not quite meeting the shorter man’s gaze. He hesitated a moment and touched Yuusuke’s shoulder, running his fingers along a wound healed long ago. The young man blinked at him in confusion, ears burning, and his smile grew.

“One day I want you to tell me where all these have come from,” was all the Junior God said.

Yuusuke frowned. “The scars?” he asked, not sure what the other was talking about.

Koenma nodded and reached to feel his Tantei’s ungelled hair. Yuusuke’s flush grew. “You will?”

The young man shrugged. “Sure. Though I don’t see how it matters.” How lightly he took those wounds.

“It does to me,” the godling answered cryptically and walked down the hallway. Yuusuke shrugged, ruling it best to figure out his… *boss* later, and followed a step behind him.

When they arrived at the kitchen, they quickly found out what the orange-haired youth was hollering about.

“There’s no food!!” Kuwabara informed Yuusuke and Koenma as they entered the kitchen.

“What?” Yuusuke asked, though he had heard the taller youth quite clearly.

“I know I asked Rando yesterday,” Kurama was mumbling to himself. He moved past the two new arrivals and made his way to the control board.

Yuusuke looked around and saw Hiei sitting on the counter near the sink. The fire demon just shrugged, motioning around the room they were in, which was in abnormal disarray, considering that they had agreed on not opening up any rooms today. After all, it was a holiday.

The teen snorted. “Looks like we’re not going to have much of a holiday,” he said. The refrigerator door lay open with Kuwabara staring into it forlornly. Cabinet doors were also opened, with several cooking utensils spilt on the floor.

Hiei jumped off his perch. “He’s talking to the sod,” he replied, tracing Kurama’s footsteps. Yuusuke and Koenma curiously followed him. Kuwabara trailed after them. They saw their redheaded friend already engaging conversation with the redheaded fiend.

“- told you yesterday that we would be out of supplies in the morning,” Kurama was saying. “Perhaps now you want us to starve? So we go insane quicker?”

Rando rolled his eyes in disgust. “No, of course I didn’t. Trust me. The food issue has nothing to do with my dislike for you. I’m… having technical difficulties, as it were.”

“What kind of ‘technical difficulties?’” the Youko asked, eyes narrowing.

“That’s none of your business,” came a too-quick reply. It was definitely something he didn’t want to talk about. Probably something that would embarrass him.

“It is since we’re lacking in food, Randy,” Yuusuke said, wanting to needle him.

“We’re not msting without food,” Kuwabara said quickly.

The Youkai on the screen smirked. “Unfortunately for you, dunderhead, you have little choice in the matter. Perhaps a bad fan fic would get your minds off food.”

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” Yuusuke asked, amused.

Rando sighed in exasperation. “Just get into the theatre, brats.”

“Whatever, sod,” Yuusuke muttered.

Kurama suppressed a sigh, feeling his stomach protest to this new event. “When *will* we get food, then?”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that,” said the Youkai quickly. His face disappeared from the screen.

“Incompetent,” Koenma complained. He followed Yuusuke as the younger man made his way to the theatre.

“We have fic sign!” he said loud enough for the other four to hear him.

“Thirteen msts, and you’re just now saying that?” Kurama asked placidly.

Yuusuke shrugged. “Forgot, I guess.”

- Theatre -

Yuusuke: What other things haven’t I rehashed yet?
Hiei: Why ask? You’ll get to them eventually.
Koenma: You mean other than your own stuff?
Kurama: Have we done “Huzzah!” yet?
Yuusuke: Dunno.
Kuwa: Can we just read the stupid fic?
Hiei: How about not and say we didn’t?
Koenma: You wish.

>Men are From Mars, Women are from the Glacier

Kurama: Um… Glacier?
Koenma: *The* glacier?
Kurama: But which one?
Koenma: The one that sunk the Titanic; how should I know?
Yuusuke: I’m suddenly reminded of penguins…

>A Yû Yû Hakusho fanfiction by SirPsychoSexy

Kurama: Brad Crawford?
Kuwa: What about him?
Kurama: He can get really anal about his name, so that explains the “sir.” Everybody in Weiss is nuts (psycho). And, well, I like to think Crawford is attractive (sexy).
Hiei: Don’t think about the fic so much.
Yuusuke: Weiss Kreuz: The “Anything-Goes Martial Arts” of Yaoi.
Koenma: Because any pairing *really* goes.

>A/N: Just some random weirdness on my part.

Yuusuke: We promote weirdness.
Hiei: And you’re definitely random, Urameshi.
Koenma: It’s not actually a bad quality. As long as you know what he’s talking about.
Yuusuke: [smiles]

>Beware of ecchi jokes,

Yuusuke: We only take Hentai, sorry. Next!
Rando’s voice: You wish.

>philosophies that may clash with your way of thinking, and some yaoi and yuri references.

Yuusuke: *Only* references? Where’s the fun in that?!
Kuwabara: Voyeur.
Hiei: Definitely.
Kurama: At least there's *something* you two can agree on. And I also agree. Yuusuke is certainly a voyeur.
Yuusuke: Oi...
Koenma: He'd make Dr. Phil proud.
Yuusuke: You *watch* that show?
Koenma: Er... Forget I said that...

>Oh, and for those who don’t know, June (pronounced "joo-nay") is a boys’-love manga magazine that’s very popular in Japan.

Hiei: It’s something Yuusuke reads, right?
Yuusuke: [glares]
Hiei: What’s your problem? You already admitted to being bi.

>Thanks for your continued support and toleration. -S.P.S.

Kurama: You’re not welcome.
Yuusuke: And here you're always telling us to be nice to the authors...
Kurama: [sighs] I want to go home.
Hiei: [touches Kurama's arm] We all do, Imp.

>****

Koenma: It was given four stars.
Kurama: It’s not going to live up to expectations, though.
Koenma: I didn’t say it was.

>Ba-dum.

Yuusuke: Huh? What’s that?
Kurama: His wife’s heart. Stashed underneath the floorboards.
Yuusuke: [stares at him]
Kurama: It’s from Tell-Tale Heart, I think.

>Ba-dum.

Hiei: Sounds like falling bombs to me.
Kurama: Oh?
Hiei: Like in Empire Strikes Back.
Yuusuke: [light bulb] Oh, you mean when the Empire was looking for the Falcon after Han had decided to hide in a giant hole, in a giant crater, in a giant meteor?
Koenma: [snorts] Bright idea, that.

>Kuwabara Kazuma’s heart pounded loud in his ears,

Yuusuke: The fleas needed to borrow his eardrum for band practice.
Kuwa: Urameshi! [hits him]
Koenma: [glowers] No one hits on Yuu-chan except me!
Kuwa: Er... Eep?
Yuusuke: [sarcastically] Gee, thanks, K-chan.
Hiei: You gonna stop sending him on missions when we get back?
Koenma: [uncomfortable] Er... I don't think I'll be able to do that.
Hiei: Then don't lie. Lots of demons will 'hit on' Yuusuke.
Kurama: But I doubt they'll have as much... impact.
Yuusuke: [blushes]

>blood buzzing about his head,

Koenma: No, that’s just the bee-hive.
Hiei: It's like a field to them. All that emptiness.
Kuwa: SHRIMP!!

>as he knelt down before his beloved ice-maiden Yukina,

Kurama: Shouldn’t ice maiden be capitalized?
Koenma: If “youkai” doesn’t have to be capitalized, I don’t see why.
Kurama: Huh?
Koenma: Last week. Rose Thorne’s fic. You didn’t say anything about it.
Koenma: Oh. I didn’t. Heh.

>his hand in his jeans pocket ready to pull out

Yuusuke: Whoa; Randy didn’t say this was a lemon! [Kuwabara and Hiei hit him. Hard.] Itai!!
Koenma: That was really in bad taste. [rubs a spot on Yuusuke’s injured head.] You *did* deserve that one.
Yuusuke: I know, I know. [pouts]

>a rather expensive engagement ring for her.

Hiei: [blinks] What?
Yuusuke: Uh oh. K-chan, let’s hide Kuwabara, quick.
Kurama: It’s just a fic, dear.
Kuwa: I’m too poor to buy her an engagement ring that would be worthy of her beauty! Don’t kill me!!
Yuusuke: [hums REM’s It’s The End of the World]
Koenma: Wouldn’t it be rather thwarting if it was just a cheap toy ring he won in a quarter-machine?
Yuusuke: [nods vigorously]
Kurama: Hiei?
Hiei: …I honestly don’t know how to react.
Kurama: Well, it is just a fic, after all.
Hiei: Yeah.

>One that shone magnificent in the light like her eyes, and was as clear and as pure as one of her tear gems.

Kurama: [murmurs] …in the light of her eyes.
Yuusuke: Her eyes light up?
Hiei: Like a lamp?
Koenma: That’d be an interesting party trick.
Hiei: Well, it sounds like Kuwabara. It can't make sense while talking about my sister.
Kuwa: [glares] Then you describe Kurama. And do it when you're trying to propose!
Kurama: He doesn't have to. Remember, I proposed several weeks ago while we were MSTing.

>Yukina, in turn, was looking down and smiling, completely clueless as to why Kazuma was on one knee like this, but happy in his company, nonetheless.

Hiei: Anyone makes *one* crack at my sister, they’re toast. Understand?
Yuusuke: I wasn’t. I was just going to say that -
Koenma: Yuu-chan, you’d better phrase your sentence carefully.
Yuusuke: Um… The way she’s written, it reminds me a little of Anthy Himemiya behind one of her masks.
Kurama: Oh, don’t start exploring Anthy’s mannerisms. We’ll be here all day.

>"My…beloved…Yukina-chan…" Kuwabara choked out,

Yuusuke: A hairball.
Koenma: Well, he does like cats.
Kuwa: Watch it, toddler.
Koenma: [unfazed] Or what? You’re going to hit me too?
Hiei: [snickers] Or hit ON you?
Kuwa and Koenma: Ewwww...
Yuusuke: [glares at Kuwabara] You do, you’ll have to get through me.
Koenma: Yuu-chan!
Kurama: Boys, quit it. Now. [to Hiei] I hate that we're the only mature ones in this group.
Hiei: Aa.

>his voice sounding more forced and hoarse than usual as he pulled out the ring, "Will…you…marry me?"

Kurama: Period instead of a comma.
Koenma: And Kuwabara’s talking like William Shatner now. Geez.
Yuusuke: [whispers] Yukina! Say no!
Kuwa: [glares]
Kurama: I said stop.

>"Aa, kirê na no! (Oh, it’s pretty!)" exclaimed Yukina,

Kurama: Making sure to add the subtitles for her dialogue.
Hiei: Why not just use footnotes? They don't disrupt the flow.
Yuusuke: Who actually *reads* footnotes?
Koenma: Oh! I remember reading something about that in a book by some American comedian. He said that's why most people don't realize that a lot of political writers are full of shit. They never look at the footnotes.
Hiei: ... So you're saying this author isn't full of shit?
Koenma: It's fantasy, so it doesn't count.
Hiei: So why bring it up?
Yuusuke: Yeah. Definitely fantasy. Kuwabara would never have the balls to ask Yukina to marry him.
Kuwa: Hey!!

>her face clearly shifting from happiness into slight bewilderment.

Koenma: She looked at the ring closely and read the inscription, “‘Cubic zirconia?’”
Kurama: “‘One ring to rule them all…?’”
Yuusuke: [Yukina] Why is there a black rose on it? And why is there a creepy man with pink hair hiding in the shadows?

>"Now…why are you giving me it, Kazuma-san? What’s ‘marry’?"

Koenma: Oh, no…
Yuusuke: *That’s* embarrassing.
Koenma: No, irritating. “Embarrassing” would be explaining sex.
Hiei: You stay away from my sister, pervert toddler.
Koenma: I wasn't going to!
Hiei: I don't care.

>Oh brother, thought the carrot-topped young man,

Yuusuke: Carrot-topping.
Koenma: Carrot cake.
Yuusuke: Mmm… Pie.
Koenma: Turkey.
Yuusuke: Mash potatoes. Gravy.
Kurama: Yes, we know we don’t have any food for the holiday. You can stop now.
Kuwa: At least I don't have to deal with Shizu's attempt to cook. Yuck.
Yuusuke: Bet that'd still be better than nothing.
Kuwa: I'm not going to think about it.
Hiei: You have the ability?
Kuwa: SHRIMP!

>struggling with all of his brain-power to explain the human concept of "marriage" to the most innocent creature (or so Kuwabara thought) in the three realms.

Hiei: She *is* the most innocent.
Kuwa: Yeah!!
Yuusuke: Are you two going to start a Yukina Fan Club or something?

>"It means…It’s a human thing.

Yuusuke: [Yukina] Oh, I can’t do it then. Hiei-san told me not to do anything that involved acting ningen.
Hiei: Hn.

>It’s where a man and a woman promise to live together for the rest of their life."

Kurama: [starts grumbling about the “a man and a woman” part under his breath]
Koenma: Lives. They’re still two separate people.
Yuusuke: Unless we’re talking about Maze.
Koenma: No, that’s, “We came to this world so that we could love each other freely.” Maze married Mil, I should think.
Kurama: [still grumbling, but this part becomes coherent:] …Could’ve just easily have said “two people” but *no*, it’s a *man* and a *woman*…
Hiei: [stares] Imp, it's just a fic...
Kurama: No. It's real life, too. Stupid bigotry.
Hiei: [moves into his lap and kisses him] Who needs a damned tradition to validate love?
Kurama: [smiles] I know... But I'd still like to...
Hiei: Eventually, Imp. We'll be around for a long time.

>With that, he grinned sheepishly.

Yuusuke: Baa-baa!
Koenma: A wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Kuwa: Oi!
Hiei: He better not be!
Kuwa: I'm not!
Hiei: Good.

>"The rest of their life? And what do they do?

Kurama: They fucking get to *visit* each other in *hospitals* and to fucking *file taxes* together -
Hiei: Calm, Imp. Calm…
Yuusuke: Story, you have hit a tender subject. Good job.

>And why is it a man and a woman? What’s the difference between the two?" The ice-maiden smiled.

Kurama: Exactly!!
Yuusuke: I have a bad feeling about this.
Koenma: Thanks a bunch, Skywalker.

>Shit, she must be kidding! She doesn’t know? Kuwabara gulped. Then he reminded himself that Kôrime were all female…

Kurama: [is still grumbling]
Yuusuke: You said something about a sex talk, K-chan?
Koenma: Heh. Go figure.

>"Umm…uhhh…they have children together! And for that to happen…"

Hiei: [twitch] He’s going to talk about *sex* to my *sister*?
Yuusuke: [looking uneasily at the two demons] I’d like to take this time to state my last Will in Testament…
Koenma: Why?
Yuusuke: Because this isn’t going to end well.
Kurama: …and I suppose same-sex couples shan’t be allowed to adopt *either*…
Hiei: [softly, so only he can hear] I'm half Koorime, remember.
Kurama: -and... [stops, stares] ... What?
Hiei: [smirks] Think about it.
Yuusuke: Hey, what are you two talking about? Don't leave us in the dark!
Kuwa: Voyeur.
Yuusuke: Oi!

>He remembered some of the "juicy" stuff from the health classes he hadn’t skipped out of with Urameshi,

Hiei: “Juicy stuff?!”
Kuwa: [ducks low in his seat, trying to hide]
Yuusuke: Heh.
Koenma: What?
Yuusuke: I really *did* skip that class.

>but held back when he saw his Yukina-chan’s innocent, charming smile.

Kuwa: Phew!
Hiei: Hn.

>"Kazuma-san, I know there’s a difference, and I have to know what it is. I know you’re a boy, and…umm…" She started to blush furiously.

Kuwa: [blushes]
Yuusuke: [is about to say something when Koenma covers his mouth]
Koenma: [practically purring] Yuu-chan, please withhold on anything indecent…
Yuusuke: [blushes and nods firmly]
[Hiei and Kurama burst out laughing when they see this]

>"What, my sweet?"

Yuusuke: What kind of sweet?
Hiei: Snow.
Kurama: [smirks] Sherbet lemon.
Kuwa: Pocky.
Koenma: Milk duds.
Yuusuke: Pumpkin pie...
Kurama: Yuusuke! No more mention of holiday food!
Yuusuke: [defensively] Milk duds are Halloween...

>"I love you and all, but it doesn’t make sense! I should be with another girl! So I have to find out the difference!"

Kurama: [smirks widely] Thank you, Yukina-san!
Hiei: [nose twitch] I just don’t like the thought of my sister with *anybody*.

>Kuwabara gulped HARD and glanced upward in shock for a bit, his mind at work on a solution to the problem getting in the way of his "happily-ever-after".

Hiei: His brain exploded. The end.
Kuwa: Bite my ankles, Shrimp.
Kurama: Spit that out! You don't know where it's been!

>"Why don’t you ask Kurama?

Yuusuke: Because he’s in the middle of doing things to her brother, and that’d be really awkward.
Koenma: And I doubt it would help convince her.

>He’s good at these sort of things."

Kurama: [forlornly] Why is it always *me*…?
Hiei: [pets his hair]
Yuusuke: Because you’re easy to talk to.

>He took out a pad of paper and a pen and gave directions to Kurama’s apartment, which Yukina dutifully followed.

Yuusuke: But she got lost anyway.
Hiei: [hits him] Yukina is NOT Ryoga Hibiki.
Kurama: Ryoga would be an interesting character to analyze.
Yuusuke: And Anthy isn’t?
Kurama: I didn’t say that. I just said it would take too long.

>"Arigatô, Kazuma-san!" she cheered as she walked out the door.

Yuusuke: No, don't go out of the house!
Koenma: Why not?
Yuusuke: People die quicker that way.
Kurama: Probably why she's cheering. She's happy to get out of the fic.
Hiei: That's my sister, Imp...
Yuusuke: Fic-sister. Doesn't count.
Koenma: Yeah. Clones.
Kuwa: Yukina-chan is smarter than this clone in real life. A lot smarter. And prettier...
Hiei: And the dufus speaks again, proving his lower IQ.
Kuwa: Oi! She IS smarter! And prettier! And-
Hiei: Don't get all googly-eyed over my sister, oaf!

>***

Koenma: What do you know? The rating changed.
Hiei: It should be lower than that.
Yuusuke: [sings] In the velvet darkness/ Of the blackest night/ Burning bright./ There's a guiding star/ No matter what or who you are…

>"Come on, Hiei. Do it for me. You won’t regret it…"

[Yuusuke, Koenma, and Kuwabara fall over laughing]
Hiei: [sighs]
Kurama: I should have seen something like this coming.

>Kurama held the cylindrical object in front of Hiei’s face.

Yuusuke: And sat it on his nose.
Hiei: If that’s what I think it is, he’d better not or he’s not getting any.

>"I told you, it tastes bad! I’m not doing it!" The fire demon scowled.

Hiei: [eyes grow wide at this]
Kurama: Ahem. [holds head in his hands]
[the other three fall into more laughter]

>"Aw, come on. People do this all the time."

Yuusuke: [Hiei] I don’t perform in front of an audience.
Kurama: Ahem!

>Kurama grinned with one of those commanding "looks" in his eyes, one that almost turned his green irises to their yôko-form gold.

Kurama: Um… [Remember a few msts back when Kurama got so angry that he started going Youko? Same thing.]
Hiei: He’s going to kill me if I don’t - ?
Kurama: Ahem!
Hiei: Yeah, that.
Yuusuke: Looks like you’re Dark Fuma this fic, Kurama.

>"Now suck on it before I make you do it."

Koenma: O-kay… I didn’t know Kurama was into that.
Yuusuke: [grins madly] Rose Whip!
Kurama: [hits him]

>Hiei just glared at him, looking as if he were to draw his katana on Kurama’s throat in any given instant.

Yuusuke: [chortles] His katana? Oh, this just gets kinkier by the minute.
Kurama: [darkly] Yuusuke…

>"Hn. The stupid humans who came up with the idea of yogurt-in-a-squeeze-tube should be put out of their misery." Hiei’s eyes narrowed.

Yuusuke: What the fuck?! [falls over]
Koenma: There’s an anti-climax.
Kurama: Good grief.
Kuwa: That was stupid.
Hiei: Pointless drivel.

>"Ano…hai." Kurama sweatdropped.

Kurama: Even though I strongly abhor the use of sweat-drops in prose, it’s not exactly wrong. However, it’s *also* two separate words.
Yuusuke: You get the feeling that Kurama really *wasn’t* talking about a yogurt-squeeze tube?
Koenma: That or he just realized what they’re dialogue sounded like when taken out of context.
Yuusuke: It *was* in context, the yogurt is the thing that shouldn’t be there.
Kurama: Yuusuke…
Hiei: Voyeur.
Yuusuke: [looks at Koenma and blushes]

>Then they heard the doorbell of Kurama’s apartment ring.
>"Wait here, Hiei, I’ll get it. Enjoy your yogurt!"

Yuusuke: Uh huh. Yogurt. Right.
Kurama: If it wasn’t, there’s no way in hell that I’d be walking to the door…
Hiei: And if you tried, I'd tie you up.
Kurama: Hiei, you know I don't like that kind of thing.
Hiei: [shrugs] It's moot, since you'd never do that.

>"Hn. Stupid fox," muttered Hiei

Kurama: If I had a yen for every time I’ve heard that…
Yuusuke: You’d be very rich?
Kurama: Exceedingly so.

>under his breath as Kurama hastily rounded the corner towards the door.
>"Ah, Yukina. A surprise to see you here."

Hiei: How did he know it was Yukina if he hadn’t opened the door yet?
Yuusuke: Maybe she gives off pheromones...
Hiei: Koenma, if you don't hit him, and hard, I will. And it will cause severe damage.
Koenma: [sighs and hits Yuusuke] Sorry, Yuu-chan.
Yuusuke: Itai! Damn! It was a joke!
Kuwa: It wasn't funny.

>Kurama grinned as the Kôrime made her way into the apartment. "Please,
sit down."
>"Ano…Kurama-san?"
>"Yes?"
>"I have a question to ask you…" Yukina blushed and looked down at the floor in absolute embarrassment.

Hiei: What’s so interesting about the floors in these things?
Yuusuke: The world may never know.
Koenma: Maybe the actors keep seeing blood stains from the butchery of the series…
Kurama: Dark.
Koenma: [shrugs]

>"Come on, now. It can’t be that bad." Kurama smiled reassuringly. "Go ahead."

Yuusuke: Kurama, you fool.
Koenma: Yes, it *can* be that bad and it *will* be that bad…
Hiei: Did I already describe this as pointless drivel?
Kurama: Yes, Dragon.

>"Ummm…what’s the difference between boys and girls? I want to know because Kazuma-san asked me to marry him and I said yes, and I’m really confused…about…the boy thing."

Koenma: And can any of you tell me what a boy is?
Yuusuke: [raises hand in the air, waving it frantically] Oh, me! Pick me!
Hiei: [bored, starts playing with the ends of Kurama’s hair]

>Her eyes dropped downwards,

Yuusuke: Landing in a pile of other eyeballs -
Kuwa: Urameshi!
Koenma: Audience, please make note that we are not responsible for anything that comes out of Yuusuke’s mouth.
Hiei: Does that mean we’re also not responsible for you too? And who are you talking to?
Koenma: [raspberry]

>staring at the carpet,

Yuusuke and Koenma: Noting the blood stains.
Hiei: Why haven’t I noticed that Yukina is there?
Yuusuke: The yogurt Kurama gave you is using up all your attention span.
Koenma: [Evil Kurama] Yes, my pretty. Eat up. That’s right…
Hiei: That yogurt isn't going to put me into an enchanted sleep, is it?
Kurama: [Evil Kurama] So I can take advantage of you until Eternity? No, of course not. Eat up now!
Yuusuke: That is REALLY disturbing, guys. No more Disney movies for you.

>looking as if she were not only trying to avoid the subject, but escape it all together.

Yuusuke: Then she shouldn’t have taken Kuwabara’s advice in the first place!
Kuwa: She can do what she wants, Urameshi!

>Kurama blushed. The only difference he could think of, in all honesty, was where a very lecherous male (such as himself)

Kurama: [groans] Inari, that makes me sound like Touga Kiryuu.
Yuusuke: You want to become Yukina’s personal slave? [Utena manga reference]
Koenma: That’s more like Akio Ohtori, really.
Yuusuke: Or Man Maze.
Hiei: I hardly think “lecherous” is appropriate, given that he just tried to seduce me with *yogurt.*
Yuusuke: True.
Kurama: This is an inaccurate representation of my character and I demand compensation! I do *not* have a food fetish.
Hiei: Really? [raises an eyebrow] Strawberries.
Kurama: Erk! Hiei!

>puts a certain part of his anatomy…otherwise they were all the same…

Kurama and Yuusuke: Yeah, it’s Akio Ohtori.
Koenma: Unless we’re talking about worms…
Kurama: Worms are hermaphrodites anyway.
Yuusuke: They are?
Kurama: Yeah. One end is male and the other is female.
Yuusuke: Things like this make me glad I skipped biology.
Koenma: Have you actually *attended* any classes?
Yuusuke: [bites lip] Can't remember...
Kurama: And here I thought only Americans were that lazy...
Yuusuke: Oi! I'm not *that* bad!

>or so he remembered from his days in Makai.

Kurama: I sound rather unsure of myself.
Koenma: It’s the author who’s unsure of himself.
Rando’s voice: [smugly] Please hold on any author cracks; or would you enjoy being electrocuted again, Koenma?
Koenma: [grumbles]

>That, and the fact that he himself, as Shûichi, got mistaken for a girl quite often…

Kurama: Argh!!
Yuusuke: Well, I do know people who tell me that at first glance they thought you were.
Kurama: [grumpily] Shut up.
Hiei: I knew he was a man when I first met him.
Yuusuke: [smirks] Where were you looking?
Hiei: [smack!]
Kurama: I had short hair back then, anyway.

>After a while of deep thought,

Yuusuke: Oh, god, for a minute there I thought I saw “Deep Thirteen.”
Kurama: [blinks] You mean like in the original Mystery Science Theatre?
Yuusuke: Yeah. It scared me.

>the best Kurama could come up with that both represented his opinions and wouldn’t startle the seemingly innocent ice maiden was, "There’s a difference?"

Kurama: EXACTLY!!
Koenma: Oh yeah; that’ll resolve things for sure.
Yuusuke: Was that worthy of a “wa-wa-waaaaa”?
Koenma: No, no; not slap-stick enough.

>A long silence forced itself on the living room.

Kuwa: Forced itself?
Koenma: Right through the door that doesn’t exist.
Yuusuke: [imitates crickets]
Hiei: Sounds more like the silence is raping the living room.
Yuusuke: Oooo! Canned violence!!

>"Maybe I should ask Hiei-san…

Koenma: Mr. Hiei.
Yuusuke: Mr. Zelgadis.
Kurama: Mr. Gourry.
Kuwa: We get the idea.
[Oh, I’m just always hating on the Slayers dub, aren’t I? I don’t hate all dubs. Cowboy Bebop’s is great. I love Spike’s voice.]
Hiei: Sorry, I'm in my enchanted sleep now. You can't talk to me.
Yuusuke: Well, she could, but she wouldn’t get much of an answer.
Koenma: Yeah. Snores don't really tell much.
Hiei: I do *not* snore!
Kurama: Actually, Hiei, when you're worn out...
Hiei: [glares] Oi...

>he’s somewhere around here, right?"

Kurama: Capitalize start of a new sentence…
Yuusuke: Kurama pushed the corpse of his former lover under the couch self-consciously and answered, “No. Why would he be?”
Hiei: [stares at him]
Kuwa: That wasn’t dark, Urameshi. That was morbid.
Koenma: No, not quite morbid. Morbid would be if he was still sleeping with the body.
Kuwa: EW! I do NOT know you people!
Kurama: I think we’ve been on this satellite too long…

>Kurama thought of Hiei’s situation and said, "No, no, you really wouldn’t want to ask Hiei-san. Really, you shouldn’t ask him."

Kuwa: Situation?
Kurama: Yes, my secret plot of seducing Hiei with yogurt must not be interrupted.
Koenma: That or it was referring to how Hiei stereotypically reacts to Kuwabara’s interest in Yukina.
Hiei: I don't care which. At least I don't have to explain it.

>"Why not?" Yukina appeared worried.

Yuusuke: [Kurama] Well, alright, if you *want* a crispy boyfriend…
Kuwa: No, Yukina! Run away!
Hiei: Better you than her innocence.
Kuwa: [thinks for a moment] True...
Yuusuke: And it's snowing in the Reikai.
Kuwa: It is?
Kurama: His way of saying that hell has frozen over because Hiei and Kuwabara have agreed on Kuwabara's death.
Koenma: Oi... The Reikai isn't hell...
Hiei: Says you. You'd only just started having to MST when we left.

>"Ano…he’d get violently angry if you did.

Koenma: It would mean tearing his attention away from the precious yogurt.
Yuusuke: Maybe it’s spiked.
Koenma: There’s a thought.
Hiei: And here I thought we'd already determined that it was.
Kurama: [evil Kurama] Mwahahaha!!

>Now, maybe you could ask Keiko and Yûsuke. They’d know!"

Yuusuke: Why?
Kurama: That’s what I was asking.
Kuwa: Uh… Do you really think that Yukina watching Keiko hitting Yuusuke around is going to help explain…? [blushes]
Yuusuke: [says conspiratorially to Koenma] No, but it’d probably convince her to say no.

>An awkward grin plastered Kurama’s face as he wrote down the directions to the Yukimura noodle house and gave them to Yukina.

Yuusuke: [Kurama] And don’t tell them I sent you. We never had this conversation.
Kurama: Awkward, not secretive, Yuusuke.

>"Ja matta! I hope you find the directions to the noodle house okay!"

Kurama: Find them? I just gave them to her!
Yuusuke: You put a charm on it or something?
Kurama: Do I look like a wizard?
Yuusuke: Depends. What kind of wizard are we talking about?
Kurama: Oi...

>"I will!" Yukina waved as she left.

Koenma: Immediately getting lost and finding herself in China…
Yuusuke: Those were some directions, Kurama.

>A booming, angry voice came from the bedroom.
>"Oi, fox, was that my sister?"

Hiei: [himself] I was too busy sucking on this tube of yogurt and entertaining your sick fantasies to notice.

>"Hai."

Yuusuke: “Fan-boy Japanese to the rescue!”
Kurama: Stop stealing lines from Chris Rain.
Yuusuke: He ain’t using them.

>"What did she want?"

Yuusuke: [Kurama] I’m not quite sure, but it had something to do with sex. So I gave her some yogurt.

>"She wanted to know the difference between males and females."

Koenma: And why, prey tell, is this so difficult to help her with?
Kurama: I suppose because Yukina’s innocence puts her on a level of that of a child. Even though she’s not. So the clones of us up there are uncomfortable in telling her.

>"What for? Does she plan to mate with the Fool?" Hiei spat.

Koenma: Out the yogurt, thoroughly disgusted at Kurama’s latest attempt to “bed him.”
Kurama: [hangs head] Oi…

>"…As a matter of fact, yes."

Yuusuke: Men, prepare for an all-caps assault.
Kuwa: A what?

>"DAMMIT!

Yuusuke: *That.*
Kuwa: Oh.

>I’ll kill him!"

Kurama: Well that wasn’t too bad.
Hiei: Why were you worried?
Yuusuke: I was expecting more all-caps, I guess…

>Hiei rose to his feet and clenched his fists, eager for a fight with the carrot-topped idiot.

Yuusuke: Another point for the author. Hiei doesn’t go straight for his katana.
Koenma: Shh. Don’t give the fic ideas.

>"Hiei…don’t! Don’t you want her to be happy?" Kurama stretched his arms out towards hie in a mock attempt to stop him.

Yuusuke: Hie?
Kurama: Hiei?
Koenma: Him?
Hiei: Does it really matter?

>"Hn." Hiei sulked and turned his back towards Kurama.

Hiei: Sulked?
Koenma: [mockingly] Does it really matter?
Yuusuke: [child Hiei] Aww! But I wanted to go kill the baka!! No fair!
Kuwa: Oi! I am not an idiot!!
Hiei: This from the moron who believed me when I said there were "pretties" waiting to be saved in the bathroom when I burned down the theatre.
Kuwa: There could have been!
Hiei: We were in the Reikai! The four of us were the only ones in the theatre!

>"And she wanted to ask you what the difference was. What would you have told her, out of curiosity?"

Hiei: [glares at Yuusuke and Koenma] Don’t say it.
Yuusuke and Koenma: [look innocent]

>"I don’t want to talk about it," said Hiei, obviously meaning (to Kurama at least) "Males are left on the sides of cliffs to die and get royally fucked over by society" in Hiei-ese.

Hiei: [eye twitch]
Kurama: [hugs him and kisses his neck]
Hiei: [leans against him]

>Kurama sat and sulked.

Yuusuke: [Kurama] Damn it! My plans have been foiled once again.
Koenma: And they were big plans, too.
Yuusuke: Yes!

>----

Yuusuke: [tilts his head to the side] The Dash card plus The Mirror?
Kuwa: What?
Koenma: [touches Yuusuke’s cheek] It’s okay, Yuu-chan, you don’t have to think too hard about these riffs, you know.
Yuusuke: [blushes brightly]
Koenma: And I realize it was a CCS joke.
Yuusuke: Cool.

>Yukina was trying her very hardest to follow the directions Kurama gave her, but…

Yuusuke: Really found herself in China?
Koenma: I think she would have noticed by the big body of water she’d crossed and realize that she’d been going the wrong way.

>his handwriting was scribbly at best, since he had written in haste. As the Kôrime squinted and tried to make out a very unusually written kanji,

Yuusuke: She was finally able to make it out. “‘Just add water.’”

>another blue-haired girl passed overhead on an oar.

Kurama: Gee, I wonder who that is.
Yuusuke: How many girls *do* we know that ride on oars?
Kuwa: Yukina's hair is aqua colored, not *blue*.
Koenma: You know, color differentiation like that is a point toward being gay.
Kuwa: Why?
Koenma: Er... It's generally considered a feminine trait...
Kurama: Femininity and masculinity are social constructions, Koenma. Leave it alone.
Yuusuke: What the hell is a social construction?
Kurama: [sighs] It's basically an idea made up by society and generally accepted as true.
Yuusuke: And we have our very own walking, talking dictionary!
Hiei: Hey! That's MY walking, talking dictionary!
Kurama: [groans]

>"Hey Yukina!" Botan waved down to Yukina, as cheery as ever.

Yuusuke: [snicker] At least it didn’t say “cherry”.
Hiei: Cherry?
Kurama: [hits Yuusuke absentmindedly] A comma before Yukina…
Kuwa: [groans] Shizuru always makes cherry pie.
Yuusuke: Score one for the home team. I knew you'd miss her cooking.
Kuwa: It always gives me food poisoning, but I want some...

>"Nan desu ka?" questioned Yukina, her head looking up at Botan.

Koenma: Her *head*?
Kurama: [sighs] Either her head is tilted up toward Botan or Yukina is looking up at her. Don’t try to combine the two.
Yuusuke: Calm down, Grammar Queen.

>"I was just going about some business, you know, bringing in souls for judgement and whatnot, and I see you here.

Koenma: So? Get back to work.
Kuwa: Botan deserves a ten minute break every now and then.
Yuusuke: I agree.
Kurama: Judgment.

>You look awfully confused." The ferry girl brought her purple eyes downwards and her right hand upwards in a pensive gesture.

Yuusuke: Wait… Botan’s eyes are pink, right?
Koenma: Yes.
Kuwa: Ne, wasn’t it Just a Favor that got Kurama’s eye color wrong?
Kurama: Yes. Got me confused with Kenshin Himura and Duo Maxwell.
Koenma: Actually, Dil wrote back to me after you msted it. He said that it was an accident and knew your real eye color.

>"Ummm…yeah…" Yukina blushed. "I’m going to see Yûsuke and Keiko about something, and Kurama gave me directions. I can’t read his handwriting though…"

Kurama: Actually, my handwriting is very neat.
Koenma: You sure waited a while to get indignant.
Kurama: Quiet, you.

>"Well, you could always ask me," Botan smiled.

All: No!!
Hiei: Hell, it’s the same stupid joke!
Koenma: And it’s *really* getting old.

>"I do have the ‘inside scoop’ on a lot of things, you know…" With that she winked.

Yuusuke: With what?
Koenma: Pooper-scooper.
Hiei: Well, with all the shit she puts up with from her boss, I'm not surprised about that.
Koenma: Oi...

>"Umm…okay." Yukina smiled. "What’s the difference between boys and girls? I need to know since Kazuma-san asked me to marry him, and I don’t know…why…I should like a boy…it makes no sense…" The Kôrime began chewing on her knuckles.

Yuusuke: Oh, I think I’m starting to get the point now.
Hiei: Why, did Koenma take off his pants?
[Koenma and Yuusuke blush furiously. No surprise there.]
Kurama: Hiei, stop teasing the newlyweds.

>"Well," said Botan, her brain clearly beginning to go into Hentai Mode,

Yuusuke: Oh, *sure.* Like I’m going to believe Botan has a “Hentai Mode.”

>"Girls have…some parts…and boys…have…other parts. And…"

Koenma: Well, obviously.
Yuusuke: No, she doesn’t care about that part. She wants to know *why* she should like men.
Hiei: [blinks] Oh…
Kuwa: So… She doesn’t like men?
Yuusuke: In the fic, no, she does not. Apparently you made her feel like she *should.*
Kuwa: Oh.

>"I think I know that," blushed Yukina.

Kurama: [twitch] *Blushing* is not a form of speech. Period instead of comma, then capitalize the ‘b’.
Yuusuke: That still wouldn't make sense unless you switched "blushed" and "Yukina" around.
Hiei: Who's the Grammar Queen now?

>"Gomen!" beamed Botan.

Kurama: Beaming is not a form of speech!
Hiei: Kurama.
Kurama: What?
Hiei: It’s just a stupid fic. Calm down.
Kurama: Right, right…

>"But sometimes, you can’t tell the difference with their clothes on.

Yuusuke: So you have to take them off and look.
Kurama: I think the author is speaking of anime as a whole…
Yuusuke: And I think it's talking about you, Kurama. I mean, you look like a girl. I don't know if you look like one with your clothes off, though.
Kurama: [hits him]
Hiei: He's all male.
Kurama: [smiles]

>Some girls look like boys, and some boys are extraordinarily pretty like girls…" The ferry girl sighed longingly as her brain started to go further into the Hentai Zone…

Koenma: Anything like the Twilight Zone?
Kurama: Since we’re stuck in here reading this thing? Yes!
Hiei: And this is helping Yukina *how*?
Yuusuke: The author picked a gag and is attempting to squeeze every last drop of life out of it.

>She imagined it, after a long days’ work gathering souls and guiding them across the Sanzu… Koenma-sama, the pretty boy she had in mind when she had made her last comment,

Yuusuke: Um…
Koenma: [puts his head in his hands]
Kurama: [smirks] Your turn, Koenma.
Koenma: But I don't wanna ride the horsey...
Hiei: So Yuusuke's a horse, now?
Koenma and Yuusuke: [blush]

>was busy stamping paperwork, for some reason in his handsome teenaged form.

Hiei: Why? He only uses it when he’s trying to impress us.
Kurama: Or more specifically, Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: [blushes again]
Koenma: [is for a moment too captivated by that shy blush to speak] I think that perhaps the Fic me is trying to impress Botan.

>She would surprise him by ripping off her customary pink kimono to reveal a tiger-striped bikini underneath, complete with matching knee-high boots.

Kurama: And a whip, handcuffs, whipped-cream…
Koenma: [groaning] Kill me now…
Yuusuke: I think I saw of picture of Ranma-chan in an outfit like that. Only without the boots.

>"Oh Darling… come and catch me!"

Yuusuke, Koenma, and Kurama: [sing] Catch You Catch You Catch Me Catch Me! Wait up!

>she’d coo seductively as she got Koenma to start chasing her.

Hiei: Must be using squid tied to a stick.
Koenma: Don’t say that, I’m starving…

>Koenma would get up and scurry after her, not minding one iota that her outfit was terribly skimpy and improper for office decorum…

Kurama: Or maybe he does and that’s why he’s chasing her.
Yuusuke: [Koenma] Get back here! Your bad fashion sense must be punished!
Koenma: [goes back to holding his head] Indeed, I think that’s the direction this scene is headed.
Yuusuke: [blushes]

>"Oho, so we’re impersonating an oni, are we?" he’d ask with a certain gleam in his eye.

Hiei: He took the time to wipe the speck out of his eye.
Yuusuke: He’s Tuxedo Kamen now?
Kuwa: Huh?
Yuusuke: Sailor Stars. A piece of glass falls into Mamoru’s eye.
Kurama: Spoiler. A lot of people haven’t seen Stars yet. Shush.
Yuusuke: Oh, like they can’t find a good spoiler site! [waves frantically at the fic in front of them]

>"That would offend George terribly, and should get you a spanking…"

Kuwa: Damn. Koenma was right.
Koenma: [groans feebly]
Yuusuke: [worriedly patting his back] S’okay, K-chan…

>Botan would blush and mock-protest… "But Koenma-sama…"

Kurama: Comma before Koenma. ‘But’ is *not* a part of his name.

>"You need a spanking, Botan. End of story." Then he would wink and resume chasing Botan around his desk…

Kurama: We’re all part of a never ending story…
Koenma: [groans louder]
Yuusuke: Come on, K-chan. [pets his hair affectionately] Riff on the fic,
it’ll make you feel better.

>"Oh Darling! Catch me and spank me!" she’d giggle.

Koenma: Cardcaptor Sakura. The Hentai.
Yuusuke: See what I mean? [Sakura] Take me, Yukito-san! Take me now!
Kurama: Isn’t there a fan-made Evangelion vid like that?
Yuusuke: [nods] Yeah, I saw it.
Kurama: [sighs] Why am I not surprised? Oh, and a comma before ‘darling’ since you’re addressing him as such.

>"But only on one condition…"
>"What?"

Koenma: Make this horrid excuse for literature cease to exist.
Kurama: My, someone’s vehement.
Hiei: You’re just embarrassed that it’s Botan and not Yuusuke.
[On cue, Yuusuke and Koenma blush]

>"I’ve heard that Yûsuke and Kurama have been naughty too.

Yuusuke: [wide eyed] Oh god…
Kurama: Welcome to hell, Yuusuke. We saved you a seat.

>Could you spank them both, bare-bottom, for me?

Hiei: He can spank Yuusuke all he wants, but if he comes near Kurama, I’ll kill him. I don’t care if he’s a Junior God.
Yuusuke: [is blushing again]
Koenma: One: I hate spankings. Two: I’m not that kinky. Besides the swords thing, but that’s more of a fetish Yuusuke and I both share.
Yuusuke: [slides down in his seat]
Hiei: [stares at Koenma] Swords?
Koenma: Don’t you remember? We talked about that.
Hiei: Oh. Yes, I remember. [smirks]

>They’ve been really naughty…" the ferry-girl would coo seductively.

Kuwa: What’d they do?
Kurama: Heck if I know.
Hiei: Exist, apparently.
Koenma: Well, maybe the yogurt thing.
Yuusuke: There’s that.
Hiei: Yeah.

>"Usually I’d ask you to do it," said Koenma assertively, "but since I know you’ve been reading too many issues of June to help yourself…I will…"


Kurama: She must’ve borrowed them from Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: [grumbles]
Hiei: He's not denying that he reads it.
Yuusuke: You wouldn't believe me if I did.
Kurama: Precisely.

>And then he smirked in such a cute little manner that would send Botan flying and landing right in his lap…

Kurama: [monotone] Fragment: Consider revising.
Hiei: What’s wrong with it?
Kurama: I don’t know. It changed tenses or something.

>"Ano…Botan-san…?" queried Yukina, looking upwards at the blushing, squirming-like-she-was-thinking-of-something-she-wasn’t-supposed-to girl on the oar.

Yuusuke: Oh, the author reads Harry Potter fan fiction too.
Kuwa: What?
Yuusuke: You know, brooms?
Kurama: Wasn't there a recall on those battery-operated toy Harry Potter brooms because the moms liked them even more than the kids?
Koenma: Where do you get this stuff?
Hiei: Unlike you guys, he keeps up with the news, even if it's gossip.
Yuusuke: Probably especially if it's gossip. He's already the Grammar Queen. Gossip Queen should be simple.
Kurama: Oi...

>Botan was startled, so much that she nearly lost her balance. "OH! Yukina! Yes…Boys and girls…where was I…"

Koenma: Well, if you don’t know, how do you expect us to?
Hiei: She wasn’t asking us.
Yuusuke: Good. I don't want to try to sift through her mind to figure out where she was in it.
Kurama: The minds of the insane are disturbing?
Hiei: Reminds me of that movie. The Cell?
Yuusuke: That was a weird movie.
Hiei: I know.

>When she started to think of Koenma-sama again, she clenched her fists in front of her face, blushed, and started humming to herself, off in her own perverted little mind.

Koenma: I hope Botan doesn’t read this, she’ll be so embarrassed.
Yuusuke: I’m embarrassed *for* her.
Koenma: [nods]

>"Ah, Botan-san, I guess you’re busy.

Yuusuke: [opens his mouth, is stopped by Koenma]
Koenma: We know, brooms.

>Sayônara!" Yukina waved and started towards the Yukimura noodle house as best she could, following Kurama’s hastily scribbled directions.

Kurama: [yawns] Again, I have neat handwriting.
Yuusuke: Unless you're distracted?
Kurama: Unless I'm- [glares] You must be constantly "distracted" then, Yuusuke.
Yuusuke: [blushes] Damn it.
Hiei: I don't know why you even try anymore. You should know by this point that they'll backfire.
Yuusuke: [shrugs] Habit.
Kuwa: It's like watching that one episode of the Simpsons. The one where Lisa compares Bart to a hamster and proves that the hamster is smarter?
Kurama: Exactly. Electric shocks don't work on Yuusuke. Koenma, you should probably take notes.
Koenma: Right. No cattle prods.
Yuusuke: [groans and sinks down in his seat]
Hiei: I think Yuusuke must have a foot fetish if he likes playing footsie so much.

>*****

Yuusuke: Went back to stars instead of dashes…
Koenma: And the rating went back up.
Hiei: Does it matter?
Koenma: No.
Hiei: Then don’t bring it up anymore.

>"Oi, Yûsuke-kun!" yelled an irate Keiko.

Yuusuke: [winces]

>"We’ve got some orders to fill here, and here you sit, looking at ‘tô-san’s Sukebe collection, you perv!"

Kurama: [tilts head] Is that a run-on sentence?

>"Honest, Keiko, I’m readin’ the articles…" Yûsuke grinned wide, checking out the "article" spread out across page 54 and 55.

Kurama: Oh, like I haven’t heard that before.
Yuusuke: [holds head in his hands] This is embarrassing…

>Boy, was she hot…nice tits, nice round ass…boy, he’d like to at least pinch them…

Yuusuke: Oh, god…
Koenma: [looks at him, concerned]
Hiei: You’re getting turned on by that?
Yuusuke: No! It’s just really, really embarrassing!
Kurama: [mildly] I don’t think I’ve ever seen you blush that much. Except for maybe the time Hiei found your copy of Fake.
Hiei: Or when Koenma first confessed.
Kurama: Oh, yes.

>His eyes widened in the telltale manner of an ecchi fellow getting aroused.

Kurama: Oh, no, wait; That’s a picture of Koenma.
Hiei: Explains everything.
Yuusuke: [eyes widen] Erk...
Kurama: Now we have a visual to go with the fic! How convenient!
Hiei: Got a hard on yet, Yuusuke?
Yuusuke: No!
Hiei: That sounded weak.
Kuwa: Sorry. It's opposites day. We'll take that as a yes.

>Keiko wasn’t fooled by his "just reading the articles" claim.

Koenma: Nobody ever is.

>"Yûsuke-kun! I can tell you’re not reading the articles!" Keiko accented her complaint with a hard slap across the boy’s face.

Yuusuke: [winces] Well, the me clone deserved that. I would never be stupid enough to read that stuff where she could see me.
Koenma: Doesn’t matter. By now, Botan will have told her about… us.
Yuusuke: [blushes] Yeah.

>Then, a knock at the door.

Kurama: Fragment, consider revising.
Yuusuke: Thank you, knock at the door!

>"I’ll get it," said Yûsuke wearily. It was times like this that the Rêkai Tantê wished he had nabbed Botan or Kurama instead of his childhood friend…

Yuusuke: Botan? No way. She’s, I guess, like the sister I never had. And Kurama…
Hiei: Yes?
Yuusuke: You would kill me.
Hiei: Glad we got that across.

>Hell, Kurama would just want to sit around and watch dirty movies on the weekends with him, that lusty fox, and then they’d go up to his room and…

Yuusuke: And Hiei could disembowel me for thinking about his fiancé in *that* way.
Hiei: Damn right.
Koenma: Besides, “that lusty fox” seems more fixated on giving Hiei yogurt to notice Yuusuke.

>Wait a minute here…! thought Yûsuke. I like CHICKS! Why am I thinkin’ of him?

Yuusuke: The author made me do it!
Koenma: You like baby chickens?
Hiei: That’s… disturbing.
Yuusuke: It’s slang.
Koenma: I know, I was hoping it’d make you blush again.
Yuusuke: [blushes]
Kurama: Isn’t that a fetish?
Hiei: It is now apparently.

>His train of thought was stopped by his hand reaching out for the door and giving the knob a turn.

Yuusuke: [makes a crashing sound]
Koenma: …Knob?
Yuusuke: Uh…
Hiei: Don’t you polish that, not turn?

>"Hi Yukina! I thought you were stayin’ with Kuwabara this weekend!" Yûsuke grinned wearily, fakely, putting his hand behind his head.

Kurama: Fakely isn’t a word.
Hiei: Why would she be staying at the idiots for the weekend?
Kurama: He invited her?
Hiei: After he finished stuttering over his words?
Kuwa: Oi!
Hiei: [innocently] Oh, you have enough brain cells left to speak? I thought you'd spent yours for the day.
Kuwa: SHRIMP!!

>"I was." Yukina’s voice was quiet…oddly quiet. And she didn’t bother to look up at Yûsuke.Keiko advanced towards the door. "So, what’s the problem, Yukina-san?"

Kurama: Who asked that?
Yuusuke: It wasn’t Yukina…
Koenma: Unless she was addressing herself.

>"Well…" Her voice resumed its usual bouncy quality. "Kazuma-san asked me to marry him, and I’m not sure of the exact difference between boys and girls, and I’ve asked everybody else…so…I’m here."

Yuusuke: Now, the way she words it there, you could get confused by it.

>"Well," said Keiko matter-of-factly, "boys like to sit around and read magazines with really bad pictures of naked women in them…"

Kurama: Well, some of them. In Yuusuke’s case it’s either Fake or various Clamp manga.
Yuusuke: Usually Clamp.
Hiei: Or June.
Kurama: That too.
Yuusuke: [sighs]

>"KEIKO!" Yûsuke interrupted. "I told ya, I was readin’ the fuckin’ articles! Why don’t’cha trust me?"

Yuusuke: Because you’re a bad liar, me-clone!

>Keiko ignored him and went on. "And boys like to fight for senseless reasons, even if it means endangering the lives of innocents…

Yuusuke: Um… Don’t we do our job to *protect* innocents?
Hiei: I’m on parole; I don’t know what your excuse is.
Kurama: [stage whisper] Dragon, it is not yet time to reveal ourselves to the Tantei.
Hiei: [same] I am sorry, Master.
Koenma: I thought you two weren't into BDSM?
Yuusuke: That was a Star Wars: Episode One riff! I can't believe you missed that, K-chan!
Kuwa: You shame your boyfriend, Koenma.
Koenma: [sulks] It's just a riff...
Yuusuke: [soothingly] It's okay. I'm a fanboy, so it just jumped out at me.
Koenma: Don't like Episode One anyways...
Kuwa: He has a point. Jar Jar ruined it.
Hiei: Don't get me started on that waste of computer graphics.
Yuusuke: I'm ready to let Bar Bar Jinks slide; It's the "no ghosts" thing that pisses me off.
Kurama: I hate to interrupt this Lucas-bashing fest, but we're going to miss text...
Yuusuke: Sorry. I get very vocal about my vendetta against the man...
Hiei: Understandable. I know of a cheap assassination service, if you're interested?
Kurama: Hiei. Parole.
Hiei: Right. Forget I mentioned it.
Yuusuke: Damn it.

>Oi, Yûsuke-kun, you know how worried I was about poor Puu-chan when you went off at the tournament!

Yuusuke: Yes, because you keep telling me!
Koenma: [pats]

>You didn’t even CARE about him! How sick he was!

Yuusuke: Well, I was pretty fucked up myself, if anyone cares to remember.
Hiei: Huh?
Yuusuke: When Grandma gave me her orb. It fucking hurt.

>And you could’ve died again, and you didn’t even care about ME, leaving ME behind like that if you DID die, you ungrateful bastard!" Keiko began crying.

Yuusuke: What was I supposed to do, story? Take her along with me so she could see me writhing around the floor in pain?
Koenma: [Genkai] You certainly have a way with women…
Kuwa: Ew! Grandma sex!
Yuusuke: Koenma!
Hiei: Yuusuke, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
Kurama: Though I'm betting Koenma is older than Genkai...
Kuwa: Grandpa sex?
Koenma: [sighs]

>Yukina watched in horror at the scene before her. A girl, crying, by some force of a boy doing nothing.

Kurama: That… made no sense.
Koenma: It does, it just needs rewording.
Yuusuke: [grumbling] She made herself cry; I had nothing to do with it…

>The ice-maiden fled back to the Kuwabara residence.

Kurama: Having figured out her answer?
Koenma: More likely even more confused than she had been when she *left*.
Hiei: [menacingly] Fic-Yuusuke should probably just be glad he didn't scar her permanently.
Yuusuke: [gulps]

>Meanwhile, Yûsuke was still wondering what life would have been like had he nabbed Kurama instead of Keiko…

Koenma: Short, once Hiei had found out.
Hiei: Yes. VERY.
Yuusuke: [gulps again] Why me?
Kurama: Do I hear an echo?
Kuwa: I dunno. ECHO! [pauses and listens] I don't think so...
Hiei: [shakes head] Moron.
Kuwa: It was a *joke*!
Hiei: And a very poor one.
Kuwa: Oi!

>Pancake breakfasts…

Hiei: Oi. He does do that.
Kurama: [frowns]
Yuusuke: What? You think somebody is spying on you?
Hiei: [snorts] You mean somebody *else* don’t you?
Yuusuke: Oh. Right. Stupid Randy.

>inari-zushi lunches…

Hiei: I don’t get those.
Kurama: Do you want them?
Hiei: Don’t care.

>really hot sex that would make him cancel his subscriptions to girlie mags…

Yuusuke: You mean ‘Asuka’? Never.
Koenma: Even though Clamp is going on a vacation from Asuka.
Yuusuke: It’s not like I can read X while up *here* anyway.
Koenma: Yes, but when we get home that’s all you’re going to be complaining about.
Yuusuke: Hm.

>some respect…

Kurama and Yuusuke: [singing] R-E-S-P-E-C-T/ Find out what it means to me/ R-E-S-P-E-C-T/ Take care, TCB!
Hiei: [stares] You two are getting weirder.
Koenma: Cabin fever.
Kurama and Yuusuke: [singing] I've got cabin fever/ I think I've lost my grip/ I'd like to get my hands on/ Whoever wrote this script!
Koenma: [sighs] Si…

>Dammit, I like CHICKS! Yûsuke mentally pinched himself as he went to assist the wailing Keiko…

Yuusuke: [irritated] It’s called bisexual.
Hiei: The story isn’t listening.
Yuusuke: It never does.

>But she would not listen to the "I love you"’s and the "it’s going to be okay, honey"’s. She just slapped him into the corner and ran off to the customer’s area.

Yuusuke: Ow.

>Maybe he should find Kurama…

All: And get some yogurt.

>----
>Shizuru was laying on the couch, reading a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,

Kurama: Eheh. Thank you for the clever aside, story.
Yuusuke: [singing] This is the gag that never ends. It goes on and on, my friends…
Kuwa: This movie’s props are so cheap…

>her hand in her bangs, cigarette tucked into the corner of her mouth.

Yuusuke: And once Toonami gets their hands on this scene, it will be cut out.
Kurama: It won’t be turned into a toothpick or something?
Yuusuke: No, that’s for DBZ. For YYH they take the entire scene out. I think…

>She was trying to figure out her brother’s behavior as of late, why he liked Yukina so much and basically wanted to own her, or so thought Shizuru.

Kurama: Run-on.
Koenma: And incoherent, don’t forget incoherent.
Yuusuke: Hey, Kuwabara, I didn't know your sister was a militant feminist.
Kuwa: Oi! She's not! She believes in equality!
Yuusuke: Then why's she talking about marriage meaning owning?
Kurama: I'm disappointed in myself. I didn't notice that...
Kuwa: It's not Shizu. And I don’t want to *own* her!
Hiei: You’d better not, or I’ll kill you were you sit.

>Suddenly, a knock at the door.

Kurama: Suddenly, THERE WAS a knock at the door! What’s wrong with writing full sentences?!
Hiei: [shifts]
Kurama: [freezes]
Yuusuke: Well, that shut him up.
Hiei: [smirks]

>"Oi, come in. Kazu? You done getting me another carton of cigs?"

Kuwa: If it’s me, why did I knock?
Yuusuke: It’s not you, it’s Yukina.
Kuwa: I know, but why did Shizu think it was me if there was a knock?
Kurama: Shizuru got stuck in one of those plot holes.
Yuusuke: Should we get her out?
Kurama: We’re stuck in it too.
Koenma: It’s not a plot hole then, it’s the Twilight Zone.

>"Iie, Yukina desu." (No, it’s Yukina.)

Kurama: [dripping sarcasm] Oh, those lovely subtitles are back!

>"Oh, come in, then. Wasn’t expecting you back."

Yuusuke: [Shizuru] Thought you’d gotten smart and ran away.
Koenma: [Shizuru] Thought you’d lost your way after getting Kurama’s directions.
Kurama: [Yukina] How did you know about that?
Koenma: [Shizuru] The book here - it’s the script.

>Yukina politely shut the door, smiling sadly and sweetly, catching Shizuru’s attention for a second, and then she went back to her book.

Yuusuke: And smoking, don’t forget smoking.
Koenma: She stopped?
Kuwa: As if! She's a chain smoker!

>"Shizuru-san, what are you reading?"

Kurama: [Shizuru] Bad fan fiction.
Koenma: [Shizuru] Surgeon General’s Warning.

>"Oh, it’s about the differences between men and women.

Kurama: See? Told you it was the script.
Yuusuke: The author has just squeezed the last bit of blood out of the dead rat - I mean, the plot.

>I need it to understand my brother,

Koenma: [Shizuru] I’m so glad I finally found Kazu’s instruction manual.
Hiei: [Shizuru] I'm just surprised it's more than a sentence long!
Kuwa: SHRIMP!

>‘cause I don’t know a goddamned thing he’s thinking since he fell for you.

Yuusuke: Something along the lines of, “Pretty girl!”
Kuwa: Urameshi!

>It’s like he has a one-track mind."

Kurama: So all he thinks about is Yukina?
Yuusuke: Do you really want me to answer that?

>"Oh? So you have answers for me then?"

Koenma: [Shizuru] No, but if you go into the kitchen you’ll find a few leftover fortune cookies. Take yer pick.

>"What do ya mean?"

Yuusuke: If you don’t know, how do you expect us to?

>"You know Kazuma-san proposed to me…?"

Yuusuke: [Shizuru] The entire block knows, he's so loud.
Kuwa: I am *not* loud!!!!
Hiei: [winces] I beg to differ. And I hear the choir's looking for more sopranos. If you weren't tone-deaf I'd recommend you.
Kuwa: Oi!

>"Yeah. He was awfully boisterous downstairs. Crazy about you." Shizuru took another drag off of her cigarette.

Kurama: And immediately began hacking up a lung.
Yuusuke: I just keep thinking of the pathetic reason Subaru took up smoking.
Koenma: What?
Yuusuke: [blinks] It had something to do with Seishirou.
Kurama: Everything Subaru does has *something* to do with Seishirou.
Yuusuke: Pathetic. The guy’s cute, but he’s really pathetic.

>"Well…I don’t know the difference between boys and girls…and…I’ve been asking everyone, and no one agrees with anybody else. I’m supposed to fall in love with a girl…and…I’m confused…" Yukina started to cry, hiruseki slowly forming on her cheeks.

Yuusuke: I thought her tears only became gems when they were falling to the ground…
Koenma: Since they formed on her cheek, are they stuck there?
Yuusuke: Yeah, are they?
Hiei: [darkly] He who makes Yukina cry must suffer the consequences.
Kuwa: And if I ever do, I'll make you punish me.
Yuusuke: Sounds kinky.
Hiei: Are we tempting death, Yuusuke?
Yuusuke: Sorry. Couldn't help myself. Won't happen again.
Hiei: Hn. Liar.

>She’s so cute when she cries…thought Shizuru.

Hiei: As opposed to when she’s not?
Kuwa: She’s cute!
Kurama: I think the fic is right, he *is* one-tracked.
Kuwa: Oi!

>Screw the book, Kazu can find out for himself why she doesn’t quite get that he’s in love with her, or why!

Yuusuke: In fact, let’s just blow off the entire fic.
Rando's voice: Fat chance.
Yuusuke: Phooey...
Hiei: [Yuusuke] I don't like how that tastes, K-chan!
Kurama: [Koenma] Well, you could try blowing on something besides the bad fic...
[Yuusuke and Koenma are blushing too hard to comment.]

>"Don’t worry," Shizuru said as she hugged the kôrime tightly.

Kurama: [light bulb] Oh! Koorime!
Yuusuke: What?
Hiei: [smirks] You get it now?
Kurama: [smiling madly, jaw slightly slackened]
Yuusuke: Get what? Share with the rest of us!
Kuwa: Voyeur.
Yuusuke: But I wanna know what they’re talking about!
Kurama: [happily raining kisses all over Hiei’s face and ignoring Yuusuke]


>"You’re pretty…if Kazu doesn’t get why you’re confused, there’s always other people."

Kurama: I would have, but my brain was too fuddled by Hiei and the yogurt.
Yuusuke: Yes, that’s right. Blame it all on the spiked yogurt. And what were you two talking about?
[Kurama and Hiei share a glance]
Yuusuke: C’mon, tell me!
Both demons: Sore wa himitsu desu!
Yuusuke: [falls over] … That’s not funny.
Hiei: Yes it is.

>"Thank you very much for the compliment, Shizuru-san."
>A slight pause…

Yuusuke: More crickets chirping.
Koenma: No, that was the whole fic.

>Shizuru knew what the ice-maiden needed.

Kuwa: What?
Koenma: Oh no…
Yuusuke: Some lovin’!
Kuwa: … With my sister?!
Yuusuke: [snickers] Apparently so.
Koenma: You’re having too much fun with this.
Yuusuke: Why should I be the only one embarrassed?

>She proceeded to kiss her on the lips…

Kuwa: [wails]
Koenma: [pats unenthusiastically] There, there.
Yuusuke: Dude, it’s just a fic. He didn’t whine nearly this much when Kurama was chasing after Yukina.
Kurama: Oh yes. I remember that fic. The Hiei/Kuwabara one.
Hiei: [nose twitches]
Yuusuke: Yeah, and Gendo was their father.
Koenma: No, that was just the gag you kept using.
Yuusuke: Oh. Right.

>They spent about five minutes like that, both enjoying it very much…until…

Kurama: Kuwabara came home.
Hiei: The world exploded. The end.
Yuusuke: Until the Second Impact.

>"Oi, ‘nê-chan, I’m ho- HOLY SHIT!"

Yuusuke: You were right, Kurama.
Kurama: Of course I was.
Hiei: [shifts in his embrace] I’m bored. Can we leave yet?
Kurama: Soon.
Hiei: How soon?
Kurama: Real soon.
Yuusuke: Wankers... You stole my joke.
Koenma: *You* stole it from Spaceballs.
Yuusuke: [sheepishly] Oh, yeah...

>Kuwabara Kazuma jumped out of his skin when she saw his fiancée and his sister…

Yuusuke: Snogging.
Koenma: She can’t be your fiancé unless she said yes. Which she didn’t.
Yuusuke: He was always a bit delusional.
Hiei: Did he literally jump out of his skin? That’d be kind of neat to watch.
Kuwa: Ew.
Kurama: And apparently, Kuwabara had a sex change.
Kuwa: No, I didn't!!
Hiei: The fic says you're a she. I don't want to see if it's right, though.
Yuusuke: Too much of a risk of blindness?
Hiei: Yes.
Kuwa: Oi!!
Hiei: What? You *want* me to see you naked?
Kuwa: No!
Hiei: Then shut up.
Kuwa: [pouts] ...But I'm not ugly!

>making out. Here was most definitely an instance of Every Man’s Fantasy turned into Every Man’s Worst Nightmare…

Yuusuke: It’s not mine. I don’t even have a sister.

>"Oi, Kazu!" Shizuru waved at her brother as she broke the kiss.

Kurama: As it fell, crashing on the floor.
Yuusuke: With the blood stains and severed eyeballs.

>"What’s the matter?"

Koenma: Everything. The whole world is fucked up.

>"You and…my Yukina-chan…were…thiscloseto…" Kuwabara was at a loss for words, as his heart had been broken in two.

Kurama: [Shizuru] You have any idea what he’s talking about?
Hiei: [Yukina] No, he always confuses me.
Kurama: [Shizuru] So let's get back to snogging.
Hiei: [doesn't continue]
Yuusuke: [picks it up; Yukina] Yes, let's!
Hiei: Che. Voyeur. Get your snogging some where else.
Yuusuke: You're just sore that it's your sister.
Hiei: I told you. I just don't really like to think of her with anyone.
Koenma: Mind if I ask why not?
Hiei: ... Don't know how to explain it.
Kurama: He's protective of her, and he doesn't want her purity destroyed. If she gets involved in a relationship, she may get burned, and her purity would be damaged. Am I right?
Hiei: [thinks] Yeah, that about sums it up.
Yuusuke: Plus sex and purity really don't go together too well.
Hiei: [smirks] Bet you can't wait to lose your purity.
Yuusuke: [blushes] In this case, we're talking about your sister losing hers.
Hiei: [glares]
Koenma: [also blushing] He's right. You're trying to change the subject.

>"Yep." Shizuru didn’t deny it. "But you should have known…she told you she was a little uncomfortable with guys, and, besides, taste in women is genetic."

Yuusuke: It is?
Kurama: What about taste in men? If so, Koenma, you might want to keep Yuusuke away from your father.
Yuusuke: Irk…

>Kuwabara fainted on the porch step, and Shizuru just lifted her cigarettes out of the bag he was holding.
>Sometimes you needed a good smoke when the world was closing in on you…

Kurama: Then why’s she smoking? Shouldn’t Kuwabara be the one thinking that…?
Koenma: Confused much?
Kurama: No, it’s just the fic.
Koenma: Uh huh.

>-FIN

All: Finally! [everyone races out]

- Satellite -

They noticed the smell at the same time. And what a smell! They felt their stomachs twinge in protest, telling their brains to get closer to the meal awaiting them.

“No way,” Yuusuke said.

“He actually got us food,” Koenma mused.

“Enough talk,” Hiei grumbled, “let’s just eat it.”

The five men raced to the kitchen and saw it waiting for them. On the table was a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. It was a beautiful sight to behold for the starving Msties. They walked up to their pray without hesitation - since it was already cooked and still steaming from the oven - and were going to dig in when they noticed something peculiar about the food.

It wasn’t real.

“Oh, no!” Yuusuke wailed.

“It’s a holograph,” Kurama said, stating the obvious.

“That bastard!” Kuwabara joined in with Yuusuke.

“He’s laughing it up, isn’t he?” Yuusuke asked no one in particular.

“Hn.” Hiei pulled something out of the socket in the wall. “It’s one of those smelly plug-in things. Like you have in the bathroom back in the Ningenkai, Kurama.”

The Youko blinked. “And that’s where the smell came from?”

In answer, Hiei handed him the object so his fiancé could inspect it himself. Kurama sniffed at it and frowned.

Koenma rolled his eyes. “We really should’ve expected something like this.

“I was too hungry to care,” Yuusuke grumbled.

There was suddenly a boisterous laugh from the control room. They looked and saw the screen holding an image of Rando, cackling insanely, and holding his ribs. Giaki was at his shoulder, in the same state. The Reikai Tantei waited, staring darkly at the visage of their captors. None of them appreciated being the bunts of this particular prank.

“I don’t suppose there’s any point in asking if you sent anything edible up for us,” Kurama said. His previous happiness over Hiei’s promise of fatherhood was dimmed somewhat by irritation.

Rando tried to talk, lost his voice to more giggles, and then finally gained some composure. He wiped moisture from his eyes, smiling stupidly. “Look in the cabinets.”

Kurama stooped down in a crouch and opened one of the bottom ones. He glared over his shoulder at the Youkai. “Jell-O packets?”

“Jell-O?!” Yuusuke and Kuwabara cried in surprise.

Rando collapsed into more guffaws, accidentally hitting a button near his elbow which made the screen go blank.

Kurama shrugged in acceptance of their fate. They wouldn’t starve to death at least. “Well, have a seat. This’ll take a little while to make.”

“That holograph won’t go away!” Kuwabara complained, pointing at the table. The turkey dinner still sat their, mockingly.

Hiei had thrown out the plug-in. “Neither will the smell.”

“Wonderful,” Yuusuke muttered, sulking. He glared at the pseudo-dinner and waited with the rest of his friends for Kurama to fix their Jell-O.

TBC.
Special thanks to Kami Anya for the star song suggestion. Much appreciated.