Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ From Silver Lake ❯ From Silver Lake ( One-Shot )

Disclaimer: I don't own Yuu Yuu Hakusho or From Silver Lake, the former of which is copyrighted by a number of people and companies and such, and the latter of which is copyrighted by Jackson Browne. I bet that, deep down, you knew that.

Note: I invented the name Tsin Han for the coastline, and to the best of my knowledge, it doesn't mean anything, and doesn't exist anywhere.

From Silver Lake

//Did you see our brother//
//He was here the other day//
//But he only came to say that he was leaving//

You came back yesterday, wasn't it? I think so. I don't remember any more, really. You left so quickly after, it was hard to register. I don't remember.

You told me, though, why you came back. You said you came to tell us-all of us, Kuwabara included-that you were leaving. Leaving to live in Makai, and never come back. I don't remember when you came, but I remember what you said, exactly, and I think I always will.

"I'm not coming back. Ever. If you or I run into each other in Makai while I'm on boarder patrol, or wandering the lands, then I'll see you again. If not, then I won't, and this is final. Goodbye, Kurama."

That's what you said. Shiori joked that the next thing I would do would be to have it engraved on a sheet of platinum to hang on my wall, I dwelt on it so much.

Maybe.

I could steal the platinum-it would be easy. Dishonest, but when have I ever had a problem with that? Never. I even know of a fairly low-security place downtown that has some platinum, more than enough for an engraving of a few words, that I could take it from, easily. No problems at all.

Listen to me, I'm thinking of how to have it done. I'm burying myself in delusions, aren't I? I'm laughing at myself…if you could see me now. You'd know.

//Did you see his lady//
//She was looking where he'd gone//
//But she wasn't letting on that she was grieving//

You never said anything about Mukuro. You used to call her the "Bionic Bitch," do you remember? I thought it was a little harsh, at the time, but now I think it's terribly funny. I'd give a lot of things to hear you call her that again.

I wonder if she knows yet, that you left us all behind. Probably. You would have needed some permission to make a return trip to Ningenkai to see us, and she would have wanted a reason. You'd call her names and mock her behind her back, but you wouldn't lie to her. Not ever. You wouldn't take the risk, and I know you're too smart to slip up, even once. She'll have noticed that you're not back, by now.

If you did say something about her, what would it be, I wonder? Would it be that this sudden permanent departure is her idea? Or maybe, she was against it, but let you do it anyway? You're not going against her orders, I know that much, but I can't help but wonder what she thinks of your choice. If she even knows the extent of the reason for your return trip.

I would think she does.

Maybe she's letting you go. Ha, the idea is so ludicrous, I can hardly believe I even considered it, but I did. Blind hoping, I suppose. Stumbling through the blank stupor you've left in your wake and trying to find a reason behind it. You probably don't know it, but we're all blind in your wake. Yes, you'd deny it, but it's true-Yuusuke is beating himself up over it, over the loss of a man he considered a true, loyal friend, over being stupid enough to believe you when you said that you may leave, but you were always his friend. He doesn't believe that anymore.

Kuwabara is tearing himself apart trying to comfort Yukina, who is simply in tears. And you, you promised you would never make her cry. You lied to her. You had reason, I suppose. Of sorts. Or that's what I tell myself, anyway.

And me? I'm making it a steady habit to cry myself to sleep at night.

Maybe that's why I tell myself Mukuro probably was against the idea. I need a reason to hate someone. Anyone. Maybe a reason will stop the tears. A little bit, at least.

I doubt it, but can't I hope, just a little?

Yes, just a little.

//She's bound to go//
//Perhaps she'll find him waiting for his boat in some city far away//
//She's bound to go//

I'd like to tell myself she let you go. Selfish, selfish bastard, I am. But it's what I would choose as the reason, if I could. I don't know why-perhaps I find that reason most bearable, for some reason. Because it would be the reason that would most likely lead to your coming back to us someday.

I don't think so-you never go back on your word, as far as I know. But as I've said, I can hope, can't I?

It's not healthy, really. To hope such delusions to be truth. I should stop, Yuusuke tells me all the time. But how can I take direction from someone who is telling me to stop doing what he himself continues to try? Believing you're still here. We both believe it. We both believe it because we both hope you'll come back and tell us, yes, it was all a hoax, and yell at us for believing you would ever truly leave.

Yuusuke should stop beating himself up, I tell him that. I tell him he should stop blaming myself, and he tells me to stop believing you'll come back, and we're both just trying, desperately, not to give up.

It's the blind leading the blind. That's what you've reduced us to, now.

I want to blame you. I try to, the gods know I try.

But I can't.

No, I can't blame you.

Not for this.

I should be able to.

Something stops me.

Hell if I know what it is.

But I can't blame you. Not for this.

//Lately I remember afternoons of smoke and wine//
//There was nothing we could find but peace and pleasure//
//And with a smile he told me//
//That he wanted just to be on his way across the sea no man can measure//

Do you remember, wherever you are, the last night you spent here? The last real night, I mean. The last night you spent here at my house, eating real dinner without having to catch it or worry about etiquette-not really-while you ate. You slept in my bed. So did I.

It was…nice. You said so, too.

The night was practically perfect. Clear black skies, glittering stars, and a crescent moon. White.

Yuusuke came over for just a little while, and he persuaded me to help him try to teach you cards. Poker-he tried to get you to play strip, but I wouldn't let him. Partially for my own modesty. Mainly for the modesty I knew you didn't care for.

It was…fun. Really fun. Yuusuke layered wards over your Jagan, but I was fairly sure I saw you find a way to use it anyway. How else could a first-timer win every single hand? I didn't tell, though. I didn't mind losing. Yuusuke was upset about it, but I found it funny.

Then he left. To go back home, maybe to his mother, probably to Keiko. I didn't try to stop him.

You smiled at me. I'll remember it forever, even now. Especially now. I think it was the first time you ever really smiled at me. I mean a true, honest smile. Not very large, but kind and genuine. It was beautiful, and I understood why you didn't smile more often. Nothing was precious enough to deserve your smile, and I was honored.

The words that followed, I hardly paid attention to at the time. Now I remember them perfectly, though I don't know quite why. I figure it best not to question it; it's something else I remember of you, and that's enough.

"I'm leaving for awhile. I don't know how long; probably a few years, maybe more. A trip across the sea."

I've since forgotten which sea you mentioned, though it hardly seems to matter anymore, does it?

"I don't know if I'll be able to see you for some time in that period. Probably not. I'll come back when I have free time and nothing to busy myself with."

I wonder, now, if you thought of this back then. I think so.

After you left, I did a bit of research into the geography of Makai, and found no sea you would need to cross, for any reason, unless you were taking an impromptu trip to a remote little island off the coast of Tsin Han.

Nothing was there, though-nothing is now, either-and I knew that couldn't be it. If you wanted time alone, you would order the subjects and advisors and such of Mukuro's lands to leave you alone.

You probably knew it back then.

I don't see how you couldn't.

//He won't be back,//
//And the sun may find him sleeping in the dust of some ruin far away//
//He won't be back//

How could I have missed it? I was such a fool, so stupid, so naïve. The signs were laid out before me, clear as the sky that night, and yet, I missed them all. I missed them all before now, too. As I speak here, now, this is when I'm realizing it all. This is when I realize what a fool I was.

I don't know where you went that night, and I don't think it matters now. Maybe it does, but not really. I knew you were leaving, and that is and was enough. Should have been enough. It wasn't, but that's hardly your fault. My own idiocy is to blame for that.

I can only hope the sun will warm your body now, wherever you are, and keep you comfortable and happy enough. The sun will warm you and the moon will shine on you and make you happy, and I wonder if you remember that night the way that I do. How happy we both were.

I doubt it. I doubt that anyone, anywhere, could remember that night the ways that I do.

Not you.

I wish you would. I hope you do.

But I don't think so. Not really.

//Early today as I watched while the skyline was shaking//
//I heard a rumbling//
//Early today the mechanical city was waking//
//And I ran out stumbling, mumbling//
//Out through the laughter of children and dogs//

I hear the sounds of summer now, outside my window, in the cool dusk. Children laughing, playing together, and a small girl walking her dog with a few friends. Children together, playing, laughing, having fun. Sheltered from the terrors of the world, kept happy in their little bubbles of non-reality.

I almost wish I was a child again, just for that.

But even non-reality can't shield me from this.

Can't shield me from the terrors of the fact that you're gone now, and I miss you.

You said you were leaving.

That doesn't mean I don't wish you hadn't.

I stumble through my daily routines now, not really paying attention to anything, going about necessities mechanically, but not really seeing any of it.

I miss you too much and it distracts me from life. If I can't miss you, if I'm not allowed, then I can say nothing more than that I am sorry.

My affections for you, my best friend, they haven't died or gone away.

But that is not allowed.

//Did you see our brother//
//He was here the other day//
//But he only came to say that he can't breathe here//
//Did you see his lady//
//She was reaching for his hand//
//Just as if to tell her man that she can't either//

I can only hope someone is there to help you. Someone is there to make it all better, to get you from beginning to end. Maybe not all better, but at least to get you from here to there. Someone you trust, someone you love.

Someone, at least, that you won't try to kill. Someone you care for.

Because I know that you couldn't live here, you couldn't breath, you were smothered by the unreality of it all. I'm sorry I put you through that. If I had the chance, I would take it all back right now.

//They're bound to go//
//And the sun may find me running after them, seeing something far away//
//We won't be back//

You were here yesterday, or before that, maybe.

But time doesn't matter anymore, does it?

No.

Not to you.

Not really to me, either.

If it does, still…

It won't for long.

I miss you, my friend.

I'm running after your silhouette, far away as it is.

I think I'll catch it soon.

//Owari

Summary: Hiei has killed himself [you make up the reason-he's certainly depressed enough that you can do it easily] and Kurama is delivering a sort of unwritten eulogy for him. Before some snippy reader asks, yes, I did intend for the ending to sound like Kurama was eventually going to kill himself, too.