Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Hail to the Butt Doctor ❯ Chapter 4 ( Chapter 4 )

APC: HERE IS THE FOURTH AND FINAL CHAPTER!!! DUN-Dun-DUUUH!!!!

Hiei: Oh god, she is weird….

Jin: *eases towards escape route*

APC: Ooooh no you don't! *throws fork with rope on it-catches Jin* You have a show to do! Oh, btw, I have the word "oui" a lot. In case ya'll don't know, that's French for yes! It's pronounced WEE! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^

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It was completely empty in the castle. Not a deli food in sight. Little greasy footprints led down a hallway.

Yusuke: *licks floor* Hm…turkey spam! That way!!

Jin: Eww…did you just lick the floor…?

Hiei: I don't care!!! Let's just GO! HE CAN LICK WHATEVER THE HELL HE WANTS!!

Sprite: That didn't sound right…

Suddenly from down the hall, dozens of footsteps echoed and made their way to Yusuke and the gang. Then they appeared. Little French chefs with wireless beaters lined in battle formation!!!

Kurama: Is this the palace of the king?

Head French chef: Oui!

Chef underlings: Oui! Oui!! Oui!!

Yusuke: Hey ya'll are French!

Head French Chef: Oui!

Underlings: Oui Oui Oui!

Yusuke: *blurts out* Is it true that French women don't shave?!!

Head French Chef: Oui!

Underlings: Oui!! Oui!!

Sprite: is that all you can say??

Chef and underlings: Oui! *rev up beaters*

Kurama: They're gonna make scrambled eggs out of us!

Sprite: NOT TODAY!!*whips out spatulas & sporks from backpack* *passes them out*

Hiei: You just CARRY spatulas and sporks around with you?

Sprite: *ignores Hiei* Ready!! *all get in battle stance* CHARGE!

In a clash of culinary items, the groups fought. Hair and clothes were caught and torn by sporks and beaters. Chefs had spatula marks on their faces, and Yusuke's gang had little twisty marks on their faces. Eventually, the metalness of the spatulas and the broken spork tongs ruined the beaters, and the chefs surrendered. They fled back down the hall, screaming OUI OUI OUI.

Jin: That was some serious arse kickin'!

Yusuke: I'll say! Hey that beater's got chocolate on it! *licks beater*

Hiei: *accidentally-on-purpose bumps into beater button* *beaters spin*

Yusuke: AGH!!! *stops beaters-his tongue is hopelessly entangled* Aghl thputh! AGH!!!!!! Mee thung!

Kurama and Sprite, who were thinking on the best passageway to take to get to the king, just rolled their eyes at the floundering Yusuke and the smirking Hiei. They rolled their eyes and left Yusuke to his fate. Jin just laughed.

Kurama: This way then?

Sprite, Jin, Hiei: Sounds good.

Yusuke: Thounth gah. *tugs furiously at beaters-they fly off and hit Hiei square in the face*

Hiei: AGH YOU LITTLE MOTHERFU-*Sprite clamps hand over Hiei's mouth*

Sprite: NOT NOW!

They walked for ever until they finally reached a set of gigantic double doors. When Sprite moved to open them, Hiei stopped her.

Hiei: You should leave. This is a job for a man!

Sprite: *not phased* Rules you out, then.

Hiei: What did you say, BITCH? *Sprite just stands there-guys laugh*

Kurama: We've come THIS far! No more arguing.

Hiei flared, but kept silent. Sprite leaned next to his ear and whispered, "I win."

Hiei: THE FUCK YOU DO!!!! *tries to beat the crap out of Sprite* FUCK YOU, BITCH!!

Sprite: I'll take a rain check on that, thank you.

It took all the other guys to hold Hiei back from simply tearing Sprite to pieces. Once they settled him down (somewhat), Jin opened the giant doors.

In the middle of the room there was a huge, ornate throne. Little French chefs, without beaters, surrounded it. Upon the throne sat the biggest slice of Spam they had ever seen.

King: Welcome! I've been awaiting your arrival.

French chef: You geeve zem punishment, oui?

King: Oh yes! Hm…no one's ever gotten this far…didn't think I'd need one. Please furnish me a moment to machinate some Machiavellian castigation for you scalawags!

Yusuke: *drools* Huh?

Kurama: He just asked for us to give him minute to come up with some kind of awful punishment for us.

Yusuke: *light bulb!* Oh ok! Sure take all the time you need!

Jin: Ye idjit! KILL HIM NOW!

Yusuke: Oh right! *all leap on King and devour him except Sprite*

Once the king was no more and the French chefs were bound and gagged, the boys asked Sprite why she didn't help.

Sprite: You DO know what Spam stands for riiight?

All: No………….

Sprite: Stuff Posing As Meat!

Suddenly a bright white light shone down upon the throne. A form began to materialize…into the hugest Meatball Supreme any of them had ever seen! (hey that rhymes!) The sheer size of the sandwich told the gang one thing: it was the sandwich god!!

Sandwich god: INSOLENT HUMANS! How dare you kill one of my personal avatars?

Hiei: Oh god…

Kurama: WHY don't people tell us these things?? How were WE supposed to know it was the avatar!?

Sandwich god: You are worthless! Vile! All must DIE!!

With that, the giant meatball sandwich began flinging COCONUT WAFFLES AT THE GANG! But something happened that the god didn't expect. The waffles fell harmlessly at everyone's feet.

Sandwich god: Wha-what happened??

Sprite: For a god, you sure are a bloody moron! Of course it's not gonna work! You forgot to add the LIMES and the BEANS!! *sandwich god screams in agony* What's your problem? O.o

Sandwich god: *cowered in throne* You said……THE WORD……

Kurama: What word?

Sandwich god: YOU KNOW which one!

Jin: All she said was "For a god, you sure are a bloody moron! You forgot to add the LIMES and the BEANS!!" *sandwich god screams again, worse this time*

Kurama: *experimenting* LIME! *nothing*

Hiei: *catching on* BEANS! *agonizing wail from sandwich god*

Sprite: *grins evilly* BEANS!!!!!!

Sandwich god: *sweating* NOOOOOOOO

Jin: BEANS BEANS BEANS!!!

Sandwich god: OH THE PAIN!!!!

Sprite: *laughs insanely* *starts singing*

Lima, lentil, soy, and pinto *Yusuke joins*

Navy, northern, AND GARBONZO!

Kidneys and frijoles negros, I LOVE BEANS!

Sandwich god: AGHH!!!!!!!! PLEASE HAVE MERCY!!!

Sprite, Yusuke, and Kurama (with Hiei and Jin in the background yelling BEANS) :

I LOVE BEANS! WHOOWHOOWHOO!

I LOVE BEANS! HOW `BOUT YOU?

High in fiber! Low in fat! HEY I betcha didn't know that!

Sandwich god: *is wailing in agony and is beginning to shrivel*

Sprite: When I eat BEANS, I sit in my own little cloud. *Yusuke and Kurama as backup* Nobody comes to visit me, in my liiiittle clooooud!

Yusuke: I don't know why! Maybe it's `cause I'm cutting muffins! `Cause *add Sprite and Kurama*

I LOVE BEANS! HEY HEY HEY!

I LOVE BEANS EVERYDAY!

BEANS are an excellent source of protein!

I love BEANS, digadoo!

They let up one last cry of BEANS and watched the Meatball Supreme god shrivel into a crunchy crouton with bacon bits. Jin walked over and shoved the bite-sized piece into his mouth.

Jin: Needs sugar.

Yusuke: Hm, I just thought of something-

Hiei: What a novel idea.

Yusuke: Shut up twerp! *Hiei glare* Anyways, Koenma told use to appease the sandwich god. Does killing it count? *all muse*

Kurama: *looking out window* *shaky voice* Uh, guys? I think there is something you need to see…

They all rushed to the window to see what had unnerved Kurama. They saw. The hundreds of deli-food citizens were flocking towards the castle wielding toothpicks and straws. They had quickly learned of the intruders who had killed their king, their god, and had mortally wounded a very respectable turkey spam man: they wanted revenge!

Hiei: OH HOLY SHIT-FLINGING MONKEYS!!!

Jin: What're we gonna do?!

Sprite: Fight them with what deli foods hate most! *knows something they don't know*

All: Huh? *Sprite grins evilly*

Outside, the mob was getting thicker and rowdier. The mob began banging on the castle walls and shouting at those inside. The got their answer. The doors creaked open slowly, but not a soul could be seen. Then, a voice screamed KETCHUP and out ran Kurama with a super blaster water gun filled with ketchup. The mob screamed.

MUSTARD!

Out ran Hiei with a water gun with mustard.

SPORK!

Jin flew out armed with dozens of forks, sporks, foons, and spoons.

BREAD!

Six-inch sub buns in hand, Yusuke chased various crowd members.

Jin hollered TOASTER OVEN! Sprite marched from the castle carrying a battery powered toaster oven, and the entire crowd froze in pure horror. With the crowd paralyzed, the group of five made short work of the entire crowd. Using their weapons, Yusuke, Jin, Sprite, Hiei, and Kurama made so many deli sandwiches, they opened up their own Subway and never had to make another sandwich again.

Thus was that brutal end to Bolagnaville.

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APC: I'm SO PROUD OF ME! A big thanks to the CD "Space Ghost's Musical B-B-Q" for the bean song! Haha, no that weren't mine! ^_^

I'm creative, but not quiiite like that!

Yusuke: *cough whatever cough cough*

APC: *beats the crap outta Yusuke*

Jin: `ave you noticed that Yusuke has gotten beat up three times in the last two chapters?

Kurama: Yes, I have…

Hiei: *yanks APC off of Yusuke* IT'S NICE TO SHARE! *starts beating the crap outta Yusuke*

Jin: Four times…….

Sprite: IT'S MY TURN!

APC: Is not! It's mine!

Sprite: You just did it!

Hiei: It's neither of your turns! It's MINE! *all three get in fight* *Yusuke crawls away*

Kurama: Um, if you review, Yusuke might live to be in another story. *in distance: Yusuke-aahh please…don't review!*

APC: *standing on top of Hiei and Sprite* YES please review! ^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^__^^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^