Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ HIEI'S BADASS RESCUE ❯ One-Shot

HIEI'S BADASS RESCUE

"You. You're Hiei, ain't you?" The dumb blue ogre asked while a human had his arms pinned behind his back.
"I hear you're one bad mutha-"
"Shut your mouth," the human yelled.

"Chill out, Kuwabara." Hiei smiled as he jumped onto the pool table to look the ogre in the eye. "Can you see this jive fool doesn't know anything. Surely he can't tell us where we can find The Man. So it doesn't matter if we break his arms since he won't give us anything anyway."
Kuwabara put the slightest amount of pressure on one of the ogre's fingers who quickly gave up who was guarding The Man.

"It's the Toguro brothers."

Hiei gave Kuwabara a nod and the burly human let the ogre go.

"You guys don't stand a chance."
After another nod the human dropped the ogre with one punch.

Hiei jumped off the table and headed for the door. Kuwabara asked if the Toguro brothers knew they were after The Man.

"The brothers are gonna work it out," Hiei replied.

They didn't have to walk far to find the next suckas they were after. Jin The Wind Master played it his usual cool.

"Well, if it isn't my favorite private dick," he said in his thick Irish accent.

"That's Private Jagan Eye to you, punk."

Hiei gently pushed Kuwabara back. "Don't mind him, Jin. Where's your partner Jayce?"
"What you be wanting him for? He doesn't know enough to tie his own shoes."
"Yeah, but what I want to know doesn't have anything to do with his ability to dress himself. Tell me where I can find him and maybe I'll give you this back." He held up a dimebag he had snatched from Jin's pocket. Hiei playfully snatched it away a few times before giving it back.

"He's in the Kitsune Klub."

Hiei grinned and nodded and started to walk away but turned back at the last second. "Jin? If I see you dealing on this corner again we're going to have it out."

"What? How do you expect me to make a living?"
"That should be obvious, Wind Master. Start blowing."

Kuwabara's gold chains clinked as he fidgeted with his long purple coat. "Think I look good enough for the Kitsune Klub, boss?"

"We'll see, won't we?" Hiei grabbed Kuwabara by the lapels of his coat and ran the two of them past the doorman without being seen.

"Like I'd ever pay a cover."

"Remind me to fire that doorman," came a soft voice to their side. Kuwabara tensed but Hiei sent him a mental message telling him to mellow.

The soft voice came with red hair and a pair of green eyes he was sure reduced a number of cats to nothing with just one look.

"I'm Foxy."

Hiei took the smooth and soft hand offered him and flashed a smile before kissing it. "Indeed."

"Foxy Kurama is the name and what can I do for the private jagan eye and the street's number two thug?"

Kuwabara held his tongue at the "number two" comment.

"We're just looking for a high rolling low life who goes by the name of Jayce."

Foxy gestured to a man sitting in the middle of a booth surrounded by hostesses.

Hiei smiled once again. "I'm grateful. Be seeing you, foxy lady."

Kuwabara rolled his eyes and strolled over to Jayce which immediately scared off the demonic women that surrounded him.

"What's shakin', little man?"
"Kazuma Kuwabara." The pimp in the lime green suit said with a tone of disgust barely hidden in his Australian accent. "Still Hiei's bitch?" Jayce yelped when something sharp lightly jabbed his stomach under the table.

"That's my spirit pick. I didn't have that back when I was collecting for you. The boss wants to ask you some stuff about an ice apparition who's been kidnapped and the kind of muscle she has guarding her." He put the spirit pick back in his reddish/orange afro. "You'll want to talk before he gets here. Hiei don't like clubs. They put him in a stabbing mood."

Jayce swallowed at the thought of Hiei's legendary speed with a switchblade.

"Alright. You're after the Toguro brothers, right? I heard they were working for some cat in a tower by the river styx. That's all I know, I swear."

Kuwabara nodded like he was satisfied. "Know why I quit, Jayce." He punched the pimp in the face knocking him out. "You hit chicks. That ain't cool."

At the office that night Kuwabara did his best bring down Hiei's mood.

"It's by the river Styx, boss. I don't got a good feeling about this."

Hiei just sat in his chair and ignored the human as he sharpened his switchblade. Nothing was going to distract him from his goal. Nothing.

When nothing came through the door in all it's red-haired glory Hiei gave Kuwabara a stack of bills and told him to go to the movies. He looked Foxy Kurama up and down one more time and gave him another wad of green with the instructions to get himself a room for the night.

"I just wanted to warn you about going after The Man."
Hie scoffed. "I'm twice The Man he is." He gestured for his guest to sit down. "You didn't really come here to warn me did you?"
Foxy put a seed on Hiei's desk. "No, my original intention was sowing this death seed into your body and then cutting the human into pieces and feeding him to a carnivorous plant."

"And just how were you planning on getting that seed into me."
Hiei tried not to gape as Foxy Kurama picked up the seed and then seductively hid it in the folds of a tongue that seemed to be calling Hiei's name.

As he leaned in closer he thought of all the cats that Kurama had reduced to nothing and realized he was now one of them.

It took a few seconds with tongues adjoined with Foxy Kurama to notice that he wasn't yet dead. Kurama broke the kiss and smiled as the seed to the death plant balanced on the tip of Kurama's tongue.

When the seed was spat out Hiei marked it as the first time he considered spitting sexy.

As they made their way to Hiei's futon he felt something he'd never felt before...other than from himself, that is.

"Well, that's different."
"I assumed you knew."

Hiei shook his head. "This was one thing the jagan eye missed." He looked at the half-naked male kitsune in front of him and shrugged. "I'll try anything once."

Around Kurama's navel Hiei suddenly jumped up. "My tunes!"

He turned on the portable stereo in the other room and came back as Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On started playing.

"Let's love, sugar."

After Kurama undressed he "undressed" once again revealing his true form. Hiei marvelled at the sight of silver haired fox spirit before him.

"I appreciate a good tail. And you've got seven of them."

Naturally, Kurama was gone in the morning leaving only a few long strands of silver hair on the bed and the smell of roses.

"So, I noticed Marvin Gaye playing when I got home. Did you dig yourself a fox hole?"

Even Kuwabara's ribbing wasn't going to harsh Hiei's mellow. "A gentleman never tells. No matter how passionate and sordid and earth-shattering the sex with a gorgeous kitsune may be."

Once they got to The Man's estate by the river Styx the good mood dissapated.

"Man, my mental mood ring tells me this isn't such a good idea." He sensed Hiei about to tell him to wait in the car and cut him off. "But I think my mood will change once we get Yukina back."

At the gate to The Man's estate stood a toddler sucking on a pacifier.

"I suppose you want to see my father."
"Your father?" Hiei inquired.

"King Yama. Also known as The Man. I'm his son Koenma. I suppose you could call me Little Man."

Kuwabara threw his spirit pick at the "Little Man" and it bounced off a shield he erected over himself.
"Did you really think you could get past the gate without fighting a bunch of generic flunkies?"

At the sound of the word flunkies an army of demonic riff raff appeared.

"Get through them and I won't bother you."

Kuwbara created double spirit picks. "Alright, who wants to get funked up?"

"Must you quote George Clinton every time we fight a gaggle of cannon fodder?"

"How about: Play that funky music, white boy?"
Hiei groaned as he slashed through the demons. "Nevermind."

They got through the cannon fodder as expected.

Kuwabara immediately ran in the direction he felt his woman only to be blocked by some skinny, junkie-lookin' demon.

"You're getting between me and my lady and I don't go for that kind of action."

The human and the wirey demon fought it out as Hiei strolled past them and into the room his jagan eye picked up The Man. King Yama.

"Hold it, little brother."

Hiei looked up and saw his twin reflections in the shades of the younger Toguro brother.

"I'm not your little brother but like him I do seemed to be about to fight an idiot."

The boyguard's size increased to what Toguro claimed was thirty percent of his power.

"Listen, man, if you're not even going to try...."

He increased his mass and strength to fifty percent.

"Half-assed," Hei responded.

At seventy percent Hiei moved his thumb upwards indicating higher.

Hiei yawned and rolled his eyes until Toguro hit his power limit.

"Okay, big man. Let's boogie."

He regretted getting cocky as he could only avoid half of Toguro's hits and that sooner or later he'd end up looking like a Jackson Pollock painting on one the tapestries hanging behind him.. That's when he unwrapped the bandage on his right arm and revealed the rainbow-colored dragon tattoo underneath.

"You want some of this, Toguro?"

Toguro gave a "bring it on, bitch" look.

Hiei's yell of "DRAGON OF THE TECHICOLOR FLAME!" was the last thing he heard before becoming a rather vibrant splatter on a far wall.

"Ha! Suck on that." Kuwabara shouted to the elder Toguro who was trying to cough up the spirit pick shoved down his throat. "Who's the man?"
Toguro's only response was to cough up blood and disappear the second Kuwabara began pounding his chest declaring himself "Da Man."

As he opened the door to Yukina's room he slapped himself in the head and exclaimed: "My tunes!" and proceeded to go back to the car to get the portable stereo.

When he returned he kneeled by a sleeping Yukina and woke her with a kiss.

"Wake up princess. Your prince charming is here."

"Kazuma?" Yukina rubbed her eyes and hugged Kuwabara tightly. "Oh, Kazuma, they made me listen to the Osmonds to make me cry. It was terrible. I'm so grateful. I'll even wear that thing I said I'd never wear." She began to sob as she noticed Kuwabara's damaged face. "Oh, what have they done to you?"
"It's nothing, baby. Nothing some sexual healing couldn't fix."
Kuwabara turned on the portable stereo and Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing sprang forth.

Using a handkerchief to wipe Toguro's splattered remains off the doorknob Hiei opened the door and jumped into King Yama's room.

"You kidnapped my sister and now you will....what the hell?"

Hiei walked up to Yama's desk at which Kurama was sitting with his feet propped up. "Where's Yama?"
Kurama pointed to a splatter of blood in the corner. Then the other corner. Then the floor. Then the ceiling. Then the bits hanging off the coat rack.

Kurama then pulled Yama's severed head from behind the desk. "I got bored waiting for you. Here. It'll make a nice planter."

Hiei took the head. "For me?"

"Who loves you, baby?"

THE END