FLCL Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ n00b Genesis Evangelion ❯ n00b Gay Ass Evangelion ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Fire, light, and a mushroom cloud's shadow consumed the humanoid alien with an
avian head-- Sachiel, Angel of Water-- a harvest of death and destruction not
seen since nuclear war devoured India and Pakistan shortly after the Second
Impact.

Cheers and laughter filled the Command Center as Japan Self-Defense Forces
(JSDF) and Strategic Self-Defense Force (JSSDF) officers, serving under the
United Nations' aegis, celebrated the alien's apparent destruction. Static
clouded the monitor as the question "Condition of target?" was answered with
"Undetermined due to radio wave interference." "With such a massive explosion,
it must have been destroyed."

An operator calmly stated, "Sensors again operational," as the static cleared to
show the colors red, orange, and yellow; the stoic and professional veneer
collapsed with the words, "A high-energy reaction detected at the center of the
explosion!"

"What the hell...?"

"Visuals restored." Countless cameras began sending information to the Command
Center, replacing those blinded when the non-nuclear (N²) warhead detonated with
kilotons of destructive energy.

The alien's appearance-- standing tall, violet ichor ebbing from fresh wounds--
filled the JSSDF officers with despair, an overwhelming sense of impotency in
the face of Sachiel's power. "That was our trump card!" "Unbelievable!" "It's
a monster!"

Two men watched from an elevated platform behind the JSSDF officers, their
stoicism near-mocking the JSSDF officers' panic. "It's healing itself--
regenerating, as expected," Fuyutsuki Kozo said.

"If it didn't, it would be useless as an autonomous weapon system," added Ikari
Gendo.

These two-- respectively the Subcommander and Commander of NERV, a UN agency
whose reason for being was to destroy the Angels-- watched a second head emerge
from Sachiel's chest, beside the one injured in the explosion. "Its strength
and abilities have increased. Impressive," Kozo commented.

"In addition, it acquired intelligence: we have been weighed on its scales and
found wanting."

Kozo began saying, "It's only a matter of time before the Angel--"

"Strike Leader, this is Command One. Commence second strike against Target
Alpha; I say again, commence second strike against Target Alpha."

All attention was now on the black man, a United States Army officer whose
tranquility stood out more so than his skin color and his afro.

A JSSDF officer began, "Black-san, our available weapons are ineffective--"

"That's why we have eight Ravens circling the monster," Lieutenant General
Abraham "Abe" Black referred to the FB-22 bomber. "We just expended one SRAM,"
AGM-131 Short-range Attack Missile II. "We have 15 more we can use right this
minute, plus 64 at Misawa," a US Air Force Base north of Tokyo-3. "Fry that
son-of-a-bitch."

The second missile was already in the air when Gendo began, "But...!" Then the
warhead detonated, drowning out the bearded man's protest.

Minutes later, the report, "Visuals restored-- again," was followed by the sight
of a giant 'X'-- Sachiel, two heads staring at each other from opposite sides of
a torso split from shoulder to hip, literally trying to pull itself together as
it swayed to and fro, arms flailing and knees buckling. "It's still alive?!"

"Not for long," Abe confirmed their worst fear: he'd use weapon after weapon of
mass destruction (WMD) until he ran out, or until the monster was destroyed,
whichever came first.

Sachiel's eyes widened as the angelic arms rose... to display a sign labeled,
"ARE YOU INSANE?"

The JSSDF officers threw words like bullets from a machine gun, trying to
interpret Sachiel's actions. "Is the Angel attempting to communicate with us?"
"If so, who is it addressing?" "To the...?" They glanced at the black man.

Sachiel wiped its forearm upon the sign; it now read, "I'M TALKING TO
SIDEWINDER-- THE AUTHOR".

"And he replies, 'Stop breaking the Fourth Wall, or you'll get a cameo in the
next "Gung-Ho Gun Hos" story.'" Abe's warning made the JSSDF officers shudder.
"Strike Leader, this is Command One. Commence--"

"Wait!" Gendo and Kozo, their faces red from running, stood before the black
man. "Let us... NERV... handle the situation," they said between labored
breaths. "Please!"

Abe raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You geniuses sure you can handle this by
yourself?"

"Yes... Sir." Gendo took off his sunglasses to clean lenses blurred by
sweat-turned-mist. "NERV... exists... to defeat the Angels." The bearded man
looked less intimidating-- almost human-- without the red-tinted lenses.

"We don't... have to sacrifice... the city... Tokyo-3... to do so," Kozo added.

The black man shrugged. "Very well. Don't hesitate to call for help if things
get out of your control." He rose from his chair and marched out... of this
story.

First Lieutenants Hyuga Makoto and Aoba Shigeru turned to each other. "Who the
hell is that guy?" "General Black? He's a supporting character from the 'Bad
Anime' series." "I thought he was a self-insert?" "No, General Black has a
single handgun. The self-insert always has two, like Chow Yun-Fat."

The JSSDF officers said, "Mister Ikari, you have command of this operation from
this point on. We'll observe how you handle the situation," and, "We expect
much from you." Their computer consoles lowered into a corridor beneath the
floor, from which the officers may ride a secure subway to safety.

Kozo graciously accepted a water bottle from Makoto, took a sip, and then asked,
"UN forces can't help us-- well, they can, but they'll probably vaporize NERV
Headquarters in the process. What are you going to do?"

Gendo's face became an iron mask, his thoughts hidden behind the glasses. "I'll
activate Evangelion Unit 01."

"Unit 01? But we have no pilot."

"That will not be a problem; another is being delivered."

A skeptical Kozo frowned. "From where?"

"That is irrelevant."

"That is relevant. The author is a US military veteran and a gun nut-- a bomb
nut. If the pilot is an American, Tokyo-3 may be-- will be 'bombed back to the
Stone Age,' as the Americans are fond of saying. I did not join NERV to see all
our works destroyed-- likely by accident, but the death and destruction will be
no less real."

Gendo began, "The Children are children. I am his father; he will not dare..."
Kozo was already out of earshot. "Foolish old man."

"Lieutenant Aoba, please research Sidewinder-san's stories and find me a
position in the US military," the subcommander ordered.

This request surprised the long-haired man. "Okay, but... why do you want to
join the US military, Sir?"

"Because the author's former brothers-in-arms are least likely to be killed,
crippled, or castrated by the end of his stories."

"Good point, Sir." 'I better improve my English-- Spanish too.'

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 1

***

The demonic visage-- a metal mask with a beartrap's interlocking teeth, a blade
antenna jutting between golden eyes-- appeared before the 14-year-old boy.

Shinji Ikari-- a US citizen, his surname followed his given name-- frowned at
the giant robot. "Why is there a dick on its forehead?"

A dozen human heads simultaneously banged against floors, walls, and safety
rails-- in Gendo's case, the bulletproof glass of the window before him.
"What?!"

Shinji pointed at the horn-like antenna on Evangelion Unit 01. "Is that thing
supposed to be a hard-on? Uncle Takeshi has a friend in the 160th, who gave me
a Battle Hawk ride on my birthday," he referred to the 160th Special Operations
Aviation Regiment, which operated the AH-60 attack variant of the Black Hawk
helicopter. "I know what guns and cable cutters look like, and I know that's no
gun or cable cutter. It's too damn obsolete to be a radio antenna-- the Air
Force upgraded its stealth fighters with flush-mounted antennas decades ago-- so
what the hell is it? And who painted it a gay ass shade of purple? The pilot
will die of humiliation long before the enemy has it in range."

"That is the Multipurpose Humanoid Fighting Machine 'Evangelion,' the product of
my efforts, and the human race's only salvation," Gendo said to salvage his
dignity. When he received his son's attention, the bearded man said, "It has
been a while," and then, "Move out."

"Move out? But Unit 00 is locked down!" Captain Katsuragi Misato protested.
"Y-you intend to activate Unit 01?" the purple fighting machine before them.

Doctor Ibuki Maya, director of the project that created the Evangelion,
explained, "We have no other options."

"But," a skeptical Misato frowned at the brunette, "isn't that Ritsuko's line?
She's supposed to be Director of Project Eva," an abbreviation for 'Evangelion.'

"This is a side story to 'The Rear End of Evangelion'. Akagi Naoko-sensei and
Ritsuko-sensei are in China right now, transforming Evangelion Unit 08 into the
Chinese Air Force's H-8 bomber."

"Then why is Shinji here? He should be in America right now."

"The Commander demanded custody of his son. This is the author's way of saying,
'Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it.'" Maya turned to Shinji.
"Ikari Shinji-kun, you must board Evangelion Unit 01," she said-- tried to say
cold-heartedly.

"But Rei required seven full months to learn to synchronize with the Eva!"
Misato's voice lowered to add, "And Maya-chan, you can stop trying to take
Ritsuko's place as the ice queen. I can still read Shinji-kun's face; it says,
'I am not impressed.'"

"Oh." Maya's expression softened. "At present, stopping the Angel is top
priority. Even if he has minimal potential to synchronize with the Eva--"

"That gay ass thing?" Shinji started a second round of head-banging.

"Shinji, I summoned you so you may board Evangelion Unit 01, and pilot it in
battle against the Angel. Stop crying and enter the entry plug-- the cockpit,"
Gendo growled.

Shinji countered, "With no prior training? Am I a kamikaze pilot now? Do I get
a cute little suicide bomb to go with that big gay robot?"

Gendo mirrored his son's frustration. "We do not have time for this."

"Yes we do," Kozo drew the bearded man's attention to a monitor.

Sachiel's sign now read, "TAKE YOUR TIME-- TAKE A FULL SIX YEARS IF YOU WANT".

"Very well. Doctor Ibuki, load the training program," Gendo ordered.

***

N00B GAY ASS EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009,
revised 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax.

***

The order "Launch!" was given as the clock counted to midnight. Electromagnetic
rails, an application of magnetic levitation technology, carried the Eva out of
the underground fortress where NERV Headquarters was.

Sachiel greeted its enemy with energy beams that formed crosses after they
struck their target. The neural interface allowing Shinji to control the Eva,
sent feedback-- burning pain-- to report the fighting machine was damaged.

"Ahhhh!" The attack launched the Eva across the street, an arm's length from
its original location. Sachiel sent forth beam after beam, knowing if the enemy
had a moment to catch his breath, the Angel would breathe its last.

"Shinji-kun, quick! Get up right this minute, or you never will!" Misato
shouted, expressing unusually great concern for a boy she met today.

"Status of Unit 01's defenses?" Gendo asked, unusually calm for a father
watching the Angel of Death come for his son, flesh of his flesh and blood of
his blood.

"It's not receiving the signal!" "The field is not yet deployed!" Maya and
Makoto replied as successive attacks sent the Eva rolling from the enemy. "The
armor can't take much more of this!" "We're all going to die!"

Then Unit 01's fingers dug into the road surface, anchoring the Eva.

"Shinji-kun!" Misato cried as Unit 01 clawed itself onto a sprinter's starting
position. An invisible wall-- the absolute terror (AT) field-- rose before the
crouching Eva, shielding it from enemy attacks.

"Unit 01 has deployed its AT field," Maya reported. "It's neutralizing the
phased space," Sachiel's AT field created.

"Roarrrr!" With that, the Eva charged. Sachiel's bony mask cracked and then
shattered before Unit 01's metal-clad knuckles. Otherworldly flowers bloomed
before the Eva-- Sachiel's blood staining Unit 01's AT field. The questions
"Weapons-- how do I arm the robot's weapons?" shook the Command Center as Shinji
rained blow after blow upon the fallen Angel.

"Um, Ikari-kun, the Eva has no integral weapon systems," Maya quietly explained.

"What?!" Then the boy screamed as pain burst from his thigh-- Sachiel's talon
extended a bony spike it thrust into Unit 01's leg.

"The pellet and positron rifles are being shipped to Tokyo-3 as we speak;
they'll arrive by 1000 hours tomorrow," Misato added as the Angel grabbed Unit
01's head and slammed the Eva against a building beside them.

"Argh!" Unit 01 tore out two of Sachiel's eyes, applying a wristlock as the Eva
twisted free of an angelic talon. "Whose," the bony spike broke as Sachiel's
faces slammed against the ground, right arm raised behind its back-- an
unnatural position, even for an unnatural life form, "bright," a metal-clad knee
hammered an alien's crotch, "idea," Shinji tore the arm out an angelic socket,
"was it," Unit 01 straddled Sachiel, locking the left arm against its torso, "to
design," metal-clad knuckles hammered the spine, "a big," a vertebra shattered,
crushing the nerves it once protected, and paralyzing Sachiel from the neck
down, "gay," crack, "robot," crunch, "with," squirt, "no," splatter, "guns?"
splash! Ichor shot from angelic wounds, like water from a fountain.

Sachiel's right arm regenerated, strengthening itself... to display a sign
labeled, "I SURRENDER-- PLEASE DON'T KILL ME".

Misato frowned at the screen before her. "You give up? You won't wrap yourself
around Unit 01, self-destruct and try to destroy your enemy as well?"

The angelic sign now read, "YOU THINK I'M A KAMIKAZE PILOT? YOU THINK I WANT TO
KILL MYSELF?" started a third round of head-banging.

Misato began, "Commander, may we deviate from the script by...?"

Gendo turned to a mummified Ayanami Rei-- a 14-year-old girl whose injuries
should leave her bedridden for the rest of the week, not standing before the
bearded man, offering him water and aspirin. "Whatever." He swallowed a
handful of pills.

Kozo began, "I warned you--"

"Shut up, Old Man," Gendo growled as he poured another handful of aspirin.

*

"Alone?" Misato wondered aloud.

"Yes, his room is located in Block 06." The Security and Intelligence Division,
Section 2, officer turned to his newest charge. "Is that...?"

"Wait!" Maya drew everyone's attention as she ran towards the boy. "I asked
for and received permission to take care of Ikari-kun." Her arms encircled
Shinji-- the last life preserver on a sinking ship-- as she whispered, "I'll
even give you the password for my big-screen TV's parental controls, so you can
watch AVs," adult videos.

A skeptical Misato frowned at the brunette. "I thought you swung the other way?
Besides, look at this," she squeezed Shinji's biceps and felt hard muscle,
strengthened by years of martial arts training. "There's no way we can put him
in a skirt and pretend he's a girl."

"The Commander," Maya stopped herself from breaking the 4th Wall by mentioning
'The Rear End of Evangelion' again, "just stated his intention to inspect my
residence and ensure I didn't," she shivered, "violate regulations by bringing
classified information home. If Ikari-kun is my roommate, the Commander is less
likely to come, and I have an excuse to decline a request to," another shiver,
"work overtime under his supervision."

The tactician knew what men could do to women in so vulnerable a situation.
"And you're confident Shinji-kun won't tear off your clothes and take you
against your will?"

"The Uniform Code of Military Justice, Article 120, states the maximum
punishments for rape are 'dishonorable discharge, death or confinement for life,
and forfeiture of all pay and allowances.' You can be confident I don't want a
dishonorable discharge, the forfeiture of all my earnings, and a bullet in my
head-- if I'm lucky." Shinji felt everyone's eyes upon him. "My uncle's an
Army officer. He's teaching me the shit I need to know on a promotion board."

"Will you be my roommate?" the brunette returned to the subject.

"Fine. Just get me a fireproof gun cabinet and a firearms license, so the
police won't bust my ass when Uncle Takeshi delivers my survival gun," the boy
deadpanned.

"Consider it done!" Maya was already leading an impassive Shinji out of the
room, when understanding dawned upon Misato and the Section 2 agent.

"Survival gun?"

***

To be continued.

Chapter 2
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