Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: Rini Saiyan-jin [MediaMiner Member] On: August 11, 2006 15:26 CDT
Comment/Review:
First off, I'd like to say that the between the paragraphs needs to be double spaced so that the reader can read the story better and not make the person click on back button. Also, a better use of paragraph, such as when to break a big paragraph in half will also allow the reader read the story more coherent, otherwise the scene can get more jumbled up. Using "-Flashback-" and "-Present-" disrupts the flow of the story. If you wish to have flashbacks, you could either do that by itaclizing the entire scene or triple space between the start of paragraph and the end of the paragraph. Also, another thing to keep in mind is that an overuse of exclamation points is not presenting your work very well, same for repeating same letters, for example, "NOOO!!!" I know you are trying to convey that he is yelling, but you could use adjectives to describe that instead of dragging a word out. You should also check some spelling of yours, for example, when Lee was attacking the opponent with the earth dragon after resucing TenTen, he "let out a blood curdling scream" should be replaced with "blood-curling." Other than that, the story is very sweet, and with reworking of the paragraphs so that the story flows better, it will be an even better one-shot. Another thing you could do is to pace your characters when they speak to each other, which the paragraphs will help you with. A lot of the large chunks of paragraph could use the split in half or thirds, or even forths. Ideally, when one person is talking and some actions take place and the same person speaks again in one paragraph, a new paragraph should begin with the second time the character is speaking. That's pretty much all I can spot in this piece, good job. :)
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