Reviewed By: Sakiku [MediaMiner Member] On: June 22, 2003 14:59 CDT
Comment/Review:
well, I am not exactly convinced by this story. In my opinion, you have made Vegeta too much out of character, I just can't get along with the fact that he should be a goody-goody family father who would do everything for his beloved son.
You started out well with your story, the flash-backs were really nice, but as soon as you got to the power-draining-thing, it went downhills.
There are some things a reader would like to know: why are there suddenly some people from 5000 years in the future, why do they kidnap only Trunks and nobody else (Goku or Vegeta would be much stronger), what do they want his power for, how did they know so much about his powers (yes, I know, that is in their history, but do you know a lot about Japan 5000 years ago?)
The Trunks without memory seemed like a lifeless robot that just wanted to get away from Vegeta. I mean, if there would be somebody who saved me, I would want to know why, who they are, how they know me, etc.
And why do the two kidnappers show up on the next day, I mean, they couldn't gain anything from letting Vegeta fight the R. O. T., they could just loose. They could have been at the other side of the world or back to the future for all I care, just not popping up on Bulma's front lawn and offering to give Trunks his memories back without any good reason. And then, after they loose, they are not only so nice and actually keep their end of the deal, but even restore Vegeta's power. Needless to say that you have just confused the heck out of me.
Additionally, I think that all of the characters are very shallow, you never give any reason for their acting, they never display any emotion except some very basic feelings, and all of them sound quite robot-like. If you had explained their motives better, I might even have accepted Vegeta's immense OOC-ness.
I think it would be very good if you could work on those points some more.
Erh, now that I have said all of those things, I feel really bad. I am an author myself, and I don't like getting flames at all. I am really sorry, but those are some things I had to tell you. If you would work on that a little bit, your writing could become a lot better. |
