Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 22 - Tsukurareta Ningen ( Chapter 22 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Kinslayer 
Anime/Manga: Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 04.20.2005 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 727 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 04.20.2005 | Pages: 4 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 727 | Status: Completed
Hughes: What did you want at this time of the night?
Mustang: Something's been bothering me.
Hughes: The plot hasn't resolved yet.
Mustang: It's not that. It's that I haven't gotten any screen time lately.
Hughes: You know, Roy, it's not cool when your actual lines of dialogue start to sound like a parody.
Mustang: I've talked to the writers on behalf of my unit, we're going to have a whole episode like this later on.
Hughes: Roy, there's this little thing called the FOURTH WALL! Obey it!
Armstrong: Maybe we should fill the Colonel in on what's going on with the Elrics.
Hughes: And have him race down here to Central to rescue his lover? Are you kidding? I deserve screen time too!
*back in the lab*
Scar: Gluttony, that grin of yours is disturbing me. So is the fact that you keep beating me up with your face.
*elsewhere*
Lust: It's been awhile since we first met. Back in the Episode Which Does Not Exist.
Alphonse: Don't remind me, I'm trying to block that one out. But you can't be a homunculus.
Lust: Why not?
Alphonse: Because a homunculus is an artificially created human. A human that isn't human. And nobody has succeeded in making one. It's not possible. These lines were for the cabbages in the audience.
Lust: Sure it's possible. Let's fight.
Alphonse: You're ... not human!
Lust: What gave you your first clue? The cat-slit purple eyes, or the Insta-Extendo finger attachments? It's funny how you alchemists never worry about whether or not my fingers obey equivalent trade.
Alphonse: Holy shit, we haven't even had the credits yet!
*Opening credits*
*Title card : Created Human*
Chimera!Tucker: You know, Edward, it's kind of creepy how well you are fitting in with our freak show of mutants here in the lab.
Edward: Quiet. I'm starting to understand what they were researching here.
Chimera!Tucker: I just told you in the last episode what was being researched here. Remember, I work here.
Edward: So do you know how to make this stuff?
Chimera!Tucker: No, it was all made by Doctor Marcoh before I came here.
Edward: So it's ...
Chimera!Tucker: That's right. Soylent Green is people!
Edward: Dammit!
Chimera!Tucker: Just make a damned magic rock out of it. They're already goo, make them powerful goo.
Edward: Hang on, I need to have an angst moment with the memory of my cute little brother. Then I'll demonstrate that I can draw an alchemy array ... with alchemy. Is that circular or what?
*back at HQ*
Bradley: What are you all doing here?
Hughes: At least we're wearing clothes. Are you going to claim you sleep here or something?
Bradley: What, you don't like my baby blue PJs? This gives me a chance to demonstrate that the lives of alchemists are more important than anybody else, at least in my rhetoric.
*back in the lab*
Edward: It's nice that I have my own guide to the place.
Chimera!Tucker: Anything to get the damned magic rock made.
Gran!Envy: There's really no reason for me to be scoping out the prisoners, except to let the audience know they're here.
Kimbly: Hey there, don't forget about me!
*downstairs*
Chimera!Tucker: So explain to me how this works.
Edward: No problem. We're like ... coworkers now. Or something. Let me adjust your arrays here.
Chimera!Tucker: An array with seven corners! I've never seen anything like it! Seven! I mean ... who would have thought of SEVEN?
Edward: Quit mocking my genius. It's not my fault you adults never thought of adding a corner.
*upstairs*
Kimbly: Someone say something, so I have an excuse to kill you.
Random Prisoner: Something.
Kimbly: Thanks!
*elsewhere*
Scar: Dammit, and I was having a nice dream too.
*commercial break*
Edward: Hey! What are people doing here!?
Chimera!Tucker: Oops?
Envy!Gran: I brought them here. So there!
Edward: Unlike everybody else in Central, I know that Gran got popped. You can't fool me!
Envy: However, you did have to leap up into the air like Baryshnikov to punch me. You're pretty short, aren't you?
Edward: Dammit! I'd forgotten about those funny noises my automail was making two episodes ago ...
Envy: You know what? You're pretty attractive when you're wounded. And the more injured you are, the cuter you get.
Edward: I know. It's starting to alarm me.
Envy: I bet you'd be stunning if I killed you.
Edward: Don't even talk like that!
Lust: You know, Envy, it's not really sporting to kick 'em when they're laying on the ground struggling to breathe.
Envy: I was just trying to test a theory!
Lust: Nevermind that. Let's get back on topic.
Edward: You weren't planning to make me transmute all these prisoners from the start, were you!?
Prisoners: Holy shit, we just now realized that sitting in the middle of a transmutation array might be a safety hazard! Where's OSHA when you need 'em?
Lust: You can't say no. We have ... YOUR LITTLE BROTHER!
Edward: I'm sure nobody saw that one coming.
Alphonse: Nii-san, these are homunculi.
Edward: How do you know that?
Alphonse: ... Scar told me?
Chimera!Tucker: That's right! Homunculi! I asked for one for Christmas but the military said I'd appreciate it more if I made one for myself.
Edward: Tucker ... what happened to "it can't hold its form when it touches the air"? That Nina-doll sure looks like it's holding its form just fine.
Chimera!Tucker: A minor detail! Anyway, all I need to do is implant my memories of Nina into my theoretical homunculus, and then a Nina perfect to my liking will be born. Because that real Nina was just way too obnoxiously cute.
Edward: That won't be the real Nina, you know. Envy, could you quit kicking me across the face?
Envy: I'm giving fuel to the fanficers who want to pair us together. Because nothing says "true love" like a kick to the cheekbone.
Lust: How about if I confess that I just want to be human? Will that make you create the magic rock for us?
Edward: Um ... no. You kind of lost my sympathy when you chewed Al's arms and legs off.
Lust: Dammit. Time to resort to blackmail.
Edward: Sure, why not? That's how everyone else who wants me to do something manages to talk me into it.
Number 48: See you on the other side, Ed. It was nice knowing you. In the past four episodes, I feel like we've become friends.
Edward: Likewise. This gaping wound on my shoulder that's been leaking blood for the past three episodes will remind me of you forever!
Lust: So, should I kill your brother too?
Edward: Arrrgh! Am I that easy to manipulate?
Lust: Yes.
Alphonse: Don't worry about me, Nii-san!
Edward: Shut up, Al. The series isn't even half over yet.
Prisoners: To herd like sheep in the middle of the array, knowing that we'll get transmuted into a magic rock, or to get eaten by Gluttony ... damn, this is a tough choice.
Alphonse: Nii-san, you can't do this!
Edward: Sure I can. I'm an alchemist, that means I'm amoral.
Scar: What a convenient little slit in the wall that lets me watch the action! I knew I should have killed him when I had the chance! Oh, wait, that's right, I tried. Anyway, I think I'll watch for a little while instead of popping down there to splatter him.
Alphonse: Once again, Nii-san, you can't do this!
Edward: Well, guys, OSHA didn't get here in time to save you.
Prisoners: Alchemists have suddenly become a lot more intimidating than they were twenty minutes ago! We're sorry for calling all those alchemists in high school "geeks" and playing keep-away with their chalk!
Alphonse: I don't want to be human again if it means people have to die for it to happen.
Lust: Who said anything about you? This is about us wanting to be human. Get it? Us, not you.
Edward: So the ultimate truth behind truths is that it's a dog-eat-dog world. Who knew? Despite the fact that I have an array right in front of me, I think I'll clap my hands and get some of that good transmutation juice flowing. Just in case I, I dunno, step in some incomplete Philosopher's Stone soon or something.
Alphonse: Nii-san, for the last time, you can't do this.
Edward: Actually ... you're right, I can't. Sorry, Al.
Envy: Whee, do I get to kill him now?
Scar: I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT! Go save your little brother, Fullmetal.
Edward: Wow, psychotic murderer to filial role model. Who would have foreseen that transition?
Lust: Watch out for that ...
Edward: ... oops.
Lust: Great. An alchemist with good reason to be pissed at us is now the center of a vortex of power. Suddenly, sticking around this area doesn't seem like such a hot idea.
*outside*
Bradley: Let's stage an armed invasion of our own facility!
*inside*
Greed: No dialogue for me. Dammit!
Kimbly: Not a problem, I can read suggestive looks. Where'd you find the hot pimp glasses?
*back in the magic rock room*
Ross: Edward-san!
Edward: It's fine. In fact, this is the most mind-blowing orgasm I've ever had.
Ross: You know, one of you two men could go rescue Ed from the middle of that maelstrom. But I guess I'm the only one here with the balls for it.
Edward: How did you know that all I needed was a hug?
*outside*
Lust: Don't mind us.
Sloth: I won't.
Audience: MY EYES! MY EYES!
Armstrong: Although I wasn't man enough to actually go pull Edward out of his cascading transmutation reaction, I'm man enough to carry him unconscious out of the building and get all the applause.
Edward: I don't like that my face is this close to your groin, Major.
Mustang: Something's been bothering me.
Hughes: The plot hasn't resolved yet.
Mustang: It's not that. It's that I haven't gotten any screen time lately.
Hughes: You know, Roy, it's not cool when your actual lines of dialogue start to sound like a parody.
Mustang: I've talked to the writers on behalf of my unit, we're going to have a whole episode like this later on.
Hughes: Roy, there's this little thing called the FOURTH WALL! Obey it!
Armstrong: Maybe we should fill the Colonel in on what's going on with the Elrics.
Hughes: And have him race down here to Central to rescue his lover? Are you kidding? I deserve screen time too!
*back in the lab*
Scar: Gluttony, that grin of yours is disturbing me. So is the fact that you keep beating me up with your face.
*elsewhere*
Lust: It's been awhile since we first met. Back in the Episode Which Does Not Exist.
Alphonse: Don't remind me, I'm trying to block that one out. But you can't be a homunculus.
Lust: Why not?
Alphonse: Because a homunculus is an artificially created human. A human that isn't human. And nobody has succeeded in making one. It's not possible. These lines were for the cabbages in the audience.
Lust: Sure it's possible. Let's fight.
Alphonse: You're ... not human!
Lust: What gave you your first clue? The cat-slit purple eyes, or the Insta-Extendo finger attachments? It's funny how you alchemists never worry about whether or not my fingers obey equivalent trade.
Alphonse: Holy shit, we haven't even had the credits yet!
*Opening credits*
*Title card : Created Human*
Chimera!Tucker: You know, Edward, it's kind of creepy how well you are fitting in with our freak show of mutants here in the lab.
Edward: Quiet. I'm starting to understand what they were researching here.
Chimera!Tucker: I just told you in the last episode what was being researched here. Remember, I work here.
Edward: So do you know how to make this stuff?
Chimera!Tucker: No, it was all made by Doctor Marcoh before I came here.
Edward: So it's ...
Chimera!Tucker: That's right. Soylent Green is people!
Edward: Dammit!
Chimera!Tucker: Just make a damned magic rock out of it. They're already goo, make them powerful goo.
Edward: Hang on, I need to have an angst moment with the memory of my cute little brother. Then I'll demonstrate that I can draw an alchemy array ... with alchemy. Is that circular or what?
*back at HQ*
Bradley: What are you all doing here?
Hughes: At least we're wearing clothes. Are you going to claim you sleep here or something?
Bradley: What, you don't like my baby blue PJs? This gives me a chance to demonstrate that the lives of alchemists are more important than anybody else, at least in my rhetoric.
*back in the lab*
Edward: It's nice that I have my own guide to the place.
Chimera!Tucker: Anything to get the damned magic rock made.
Gran!Envy: There's really no reason for me to be scoping out the prisoners, except to let the audience know they're here.
Kimbly: Hey there, don't forget about me!
*downstairs*
Chimera!Tucker: So explain to me how this works.
Edward: No problem. We're like ... coworkers now. Or something. Let me adjust your arrays here.
Chimera!Tucker: An array with seven corners! I've never seen anything like it! Seven! I mean ... who would have thought of SEVEN?
Edward: Quit mocking my genius. It's not my fault you adults never thought of adding a corner.
*upstairs*
Kimbly: Someone say something, so I have an excuse to kill you.
Random Prisoner: Something.
Kimbly: Thanks!
*elsewhere*
Scar: Dammit, and I was having a nice dream too.
*commercial break*
Edward: Hey! What are people doing here!?
Chimera!Tucker: Oops?
Envy!Gran: I brought them here. So there!
Edward: Unlike everybody else in Central, I know that Gran got popped. You can't fool me!
Envy: However, you did have to leap up into the air like Baryshnikov to punch me. You're pretty short, aren't you?
Edward: Dammit! I'd forgotten about those funny noises my automail was making two episodes ago ...
Envy: You know what? You're pretty attractive when you're wounded. And the more injured you are, the cuter you get.
Edward: I know. It's starting to alarm me.
Envy: I bet you'd be stunning if I killed you.
Edward: Don't even talk like that!
Lust: You know, Envy, it's not really sporting to kick 'em when they're laying on the ground struggling to breathe.
Envy: I was just trying to test a theory!
Lust: Nevermind that. Let's get back on topic.
Edward: You weren't planning to make me transmute all these prisoners from the start, were you!?
Prisoners: Holy shit, we just now realized that sitting in the middle of a transmutation array might be a safety hazard! Where's OSHA when you need 'em?
Lust: You can't say no. We have ... YOUR LITTLE BROTHER!
Edward: I'm sure nobody saw that one coming.
Alphonse: Nii-san, these are homunculi.
Edward: How do you know that?
Alphonse: ... Scar told me?
Chimera!Tucker: That's right! Homunculi! I asked for one for Christmas but the military said I'd appreciate it more if I made one for myself.
Edward: Tucker ... what happened to "it can't hold its form when it touches the air"? That Nina-doll sure looks like it's holding its form just fine.
Chimera!Tucker: A minor detail! Anyway, all I need to do is implant my memories of Nina into my theoretical homunculus, and then a Nina perfect to my liking will be born. Because that real Nina was just way too obnoxiously cute.
Edward: That won't be the real Nina, you know. Envy, could you quit kicking me across the face?
Envy: I'm giving fuel to the fanficers who want to pair us together. Because nothing says "true love" like a kick to the cheekbone.
Lust: How about if I confess that I just want to be human? Will that make you create the magic rock for us?
Edward: Um ... no. You kind of lost my sympathy when you chewed Al's arms and legs off.
Lust: Dammit. Time to resort to blackmail.
Edward: Sure, why not? That's how everyone else who wants me to do something manages to talk me into it.
Number 48: See you on the other side, Ed. It was nice knowing you. In the past four episodes, I feel like we've become friends.
Edward: Likewise. This gaping wound on my shoulder that's been leaking blood for the past three episodes will remind me of you forever!
Lust: So, should I kill your brother too?
Edward: Arrrgh! Am I that easy to manipulate?
Lust: Yes.
Alphonse: Don't worry about me, Nii-san!
Edward: Shut up, Al. The series isn't even half over yet.
Prisoners: To herd like sheep in the middle of the array, knowing that we'll get transmuted into a magic rock, or to get eaten by Gluttony ... damn, this is a tough choice.
Alphonse: Nii-san, you can't do this!
Edward: Sure I can. I'm an alchemist, that means I'm amoral.
Scar: What a convenient little slit in the wall that lets me watch the action! I knew I should have killed him when I had the chance! Oh, wait, that's right, I tried. Anyway, I think I'll watch for a little while instead of popping down there to splatter him.
Alphonse: Once again, Nii-san, you can't do this!
Edward: Well, guys, OSHA didn't get here in time to save you.
Prisoners: Alchemists have suddenly become a lot more intimidating than they were twenty minutes ago! We're sorry for calling all those alchemists in high school "geeks" and playing keep-away with their chalk!
Alphonse: I don't want to be human again if it means people have to die for it to happen.
Lust: Who said anything about you? This is about us wanting to be human. Get it? Us, not you.
Edward: So the ultimate truth behind truths is that it's a dog-eat-dog world. Who knew? Despite the fact that I have an array right in front of me, I think I'll clap my hands and get some of that good transmutation juice flowing. Just in case I, I dunno, step in some incomplete Philosopher's Stone soon or something.
Alphonse: Nii-san, for the last time, you can't do this.
Edward: Actually ... you're right, I can't. Sorry, Al.
Envy: Whee, do I get to kill him now?
Scar: I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT! Go save your little brother, Fullmetal.
Edward: Wow, psychotic murderer to filial role model. Who would have foreseen that transition?
Lust: Watch out for that ...
Edward: ... oops.
Lust: Great. An alchemist with good reason to be pissed at us is now the center of a vortex of power. Suddenly, sticking around this area doesn't seem like such a hot idea.
*outside*
Bradley: Let's stage an armed invasion of our own facility!
*inside*
Greed: No dialogue for me. Dammit!
Kimbly: Not a problem, I can read suggestive looks. Where'd you find the hot pimp glasses?
*back in the magic rock room*
Ross: Edward-san!
Edward: It's fine. In fact, this is the most mind-blowing orgasm I've ever had.
Ross: You know, one of you two men could go rescue Ed from the middle of that maelstrom. But I guess I'm the only one here with the balls for it.
Edward: How did you know that all I needed was a hug?
*outside*
Lust: Don't mind us.
Sloth: I won't.
Audience: MY EYES! MY EYES!
Armstrong: Although I wasn't man enough to actually go pull Edward out of his cascading transmutation reaction, I'm man enough to carry him unconscious out of the building and get all the applause.
Edward: I don't like that my face is this close to your groin, Major.