Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 23 - Hagane no Kokoro ( Chapter 23 )

Broche: Edward-san! You've woken up!

Ross: Quick! Hide the chart we were using to divvy up his stuff!

Edward: Maybe sitting up suddenly wasn't such a bright idea. I forgot about this slash across my shoulder and the puncture hole in my flank. Both courtesy of my good friend, Number 48! Al ... you're not looking too hot. It's a shame you didn't inherit the "look good while beat up" gene.

Alphonse: I've felt better. Can we get some credits please?


*Opening credits*

*Title card : Heart of Steel*


Broche: So, recap for us what happened at the lab.

Edward: Nothing happened.

Broche: Nothing! But you're badly injured!

Edward: I fell down the stairs. And uh ... landed on a sword. By accident. Twice.

Broche: Do you seriously expect us to believe that?

Edward: Yes. And I almost got ahold of the Truth, too! Damn you for pulling me out and saving my life!

Ross: Is it just me, or does Edward really need to be bitchslapped? It's not just me? Good.

Alphonse: YOU HIT MY BROTHER! YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN SUCH A WORLD OF HURT! JUST AS SOON as uh ... I get my arms and legs back ...

Broche: The weirdness of being outranked by a fifteen-year-old never loses its surreal quality. By the way, has anyone else noticed that Edward and I use the same hairdresser?

Ross: Don't worry, in a couple of days you'll be outranked by a sixteen-year-old.


*back at the Rockbell ranch*


Winry: In the amount of time I've been agonizing over this bolt, Ed has had time to finish his fight with Number 48, wander all over the Fifth Lab, set up a complicated transmutation ... twice ... get knocked out, get carried to a hospital, get patched up, and regain consciousness.

Pinako: What's all the noise?

Winry: Just a four-episode orgy of guilt.

*phone rings*

Pinako: Don't forget to screw Ed this time.


*the next morning*


Hughes: Here I am, to get the screen time I muchly deserve! Well, Ed, now that the junior officers are out of the room, let's chat.

Edward: Not interested in chatting.

Hughes: If you don't tell me everything, the plot won't advance. Do you want to be stuck in this hospital for the next twenty-eight episodes?

Edward: *shudder*

Hughes: Eating hospital food ... wearing that fetching gown ...

Edward: All right! All right! Here, have some drawings.

Hughes: ... Edward. You can draft a perfect circle, with your left hand, behind your back without looking, scratching it under duress onto a curved metal surface with a screw, and this is the best Envy you can draw?

Edward: So I don't do portraiture, sue me. By the way, according to the homunculi, they're keeping me alive only because they want something from me. Does that creep you out? Because it creeps the hell out of me.

Hughes: Thanks for telling me. Leave everything to me!

Edward: Am I going to regret doing that?

Hughes: Yes. But not for twenty-one more episodes! Because that's how long it will take for someone to accidentally tell you what happens to me.

Edward: Damn.


*later*


Winry: On my second documented trip to Central, I have learned how to dress attractively!

Izumi: Pay no attention to us!


*at the hospital*


Winry: You didn't tell me you were in the hospital!

Edward: What do you expect when my automail breaks down when I'm fighting for my life?

Winry: It's my fault.

Edward: Don't blame yourself! This room isn't big enough for your guilt and mine too!


*elsewhere*


Scieszka: Lt. Colonel, do you think this white headband makes me look fat?

Hughes: No, but it makes you look like you're cosplaying the Karate Kid.

Mustang: So have you found Scar?

Hughes: Nope! Tomorrow is my daughter's running joke, though!

Mustang: You know, there's no distance limit to alchemy. I can threaten you all the way from East City.

Hughes: Yeah right. Save it for someone you can actually impress. And you're not getting any exposition either! Ed and I discussed how you made him fight for his exposition before, and we wanted to see how YOU like it.


*later at the hospital*


Winry: You didn't drink your milk.

Edward: I hate milk.

Winry: Your hatred of milk will fuel intense speculation about your diminutive size, you know.

Edward: The fandom already has um ... abusive ways of expressing its love for me. I hardly think a few milk jabs are going to be worse than the innumerable Ed-as-chimera fanfics.

Alphonse: Nii-san, drink your milk already.

Edward: Nahh. Instead I shall exhibit my complete lack of tact. Oops. Sorry, Al.

Alphonse: I'M NOT JUST A DILDO! Am I?

Winry: Wait ... I'm lost ... did something happen to you two? Don't mind me, I'm ditzy today.

Edward: ...

Winry: You two can't hog all the angst to yourselves! It's not fair! We all deserve equal time on our angst, no matter how peripheral and insignificant to the plot, or how little we actually deserve to be angsting!

Hughes: Winry-chan! Come to my daughter's birthday party! Hey Ed, I'm stealing your mechanic!

Edward: What?


*commercial break*


Elysia: Look how cute I am! Somehow, I manage not to be as obnoxiously cute as Nina. There's a trick to it, see.

Hughes: Hey Winry, it's time for that talk about feelings.

Winry: What talk?

Hughes: The one where I remind you that girls need to be considerate of boys' feelings, and make accommodations for their inability to actually talk to you, while of course they are under no obligation to be considerate of your feelings. That's just the way things work, you know?

Winry: Dammit. All this and dirty old men want fanart of me without panties under my skirt. It sucks to be a female anime character sometimes.

Gracia: Here's Ed's birthday cake.

Winry: Wait ... I thought Hughes-san was going to give Ed a present too.

Hughes: Duh, I'm giving you to Ed.

Edward: Cheapskate.


*back at the hospital*


Winry: Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations!

Edward: What the fuck are you going on about?

Winry: We didn't think you'd make it to sixteen. So congratulations on your accomplishment of living this long. Here's a cake. It's all you get.

Edward: Uh, okay. Let's reminisce a little about when we were all kids. Yeah, that's the thing to do, since I know Al can't remember stuff the way we can.

Alphonse: This room is getting too small for my angst. Can I go outside for awhile? And that way you can ... uh ... "repair" Nii-san in peace.


*later*


Winry: Wow, Ed. You went over on your belly like a pro.

Edward: I've been getting a lot of practice in. There are apparently doujinshi where I'm putting out for everyone from my brother to Gluttony, so I figured I may as well get used to it.

Winry: So let's have it. What's your angst this time?

Edward: I almost killed some people. But then I didn't at the last second. And I don't even have an OSHA commando team to blame.

Winry: And you're angsting over not murdering some guys in cold blood?

Edward: Well ... yeah.


*outside*


Alphonse: Am I really just a sex toy that Nii-san made? I mean, it would be so logical for him to sacrifice so much just to have a walking dildo following him around, one that makes him take injections he doesn't want, sends him flying over cats, and which he cares about enough that homunculi can manipulate him by taking it hostage.

Edward: Al, I'm here to fix you! Winry was considerate enough to bring enough spare parts to give you four whole limbs, even though she didn't know that you would need it. And all that metal can fit in this small, infant-sized package I'm carrying.

Alphonse: Thanks. I guess that means it's time for me to reveal my secret angst!

Edward: Eh?

Alphonse: My angst is nothing like you had imagined it! It has nothing to do with whether or not you were going to kill people on my behalf!

Edward: ... so all my angsting about that was for nothing?

Alphonse: Basically. You were going to ask me something in Risenbourg, right? Were you going to tell me that I was never human?

Edward: Al ... saying "you were never human" is a statement, not a question. Why would I say I had something I was afraid to ask you, if what I really wanted to do was tell you something?

Winry: You know, in the manga I was the voice of reason and violence in this scene. It's a shame that there's some reason I can't head off Al's escalating irrationality here in the same way.

Alphonse: There's a possibility that you're all tricking me!

Winry: There's a possibility that you're acting like a bad fanfic right now, too.

Alphonse: Now that I've beat up my already-beaten-up brother, I think I'll slip off to angst elsewhere in the city. Thanks, Nii-san, for restoring my limbs for me! I wouldn't have been able to do this if you hadn't!