Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Our Brothers ❯ Demons Whisper ( Chapter 21 )

Our Brothers

By: joyfulmusic

 

I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. None of it… Ain't that just so sad?

Warnings: A few small spoilers. There are some thoughts of suicide, and there will be an eating disorder... or two.

 

Author's Note: This is similar to what I had to put up with after (supposedly) getting over my ED.

 

Chapter 21: Demons Whisper

 

That night our brothers went up to the room they were sharing to play some game they'd gotten earlier. I was sitting on the sofa looking through old photo albums when Edward came over with a slice of cake.

 

“I made it myself.” He smiled at me as he sat down. “To celebrate your homecoming.” Scooped a piece onto the fork and held it out to me.

 

I bit my lip a little. It had been so long since I'd indulged in sweets. Although my reasons were gone I still felt like an anorexic. Nonetheless I opened my mouth and let him slip it in. As the taste filled my mouth I could feel my stomach knot. Yet I swallowed, trying to suppress the demons that whispered in my ears.

 

“What is it?” He whispered, setting the plate down on the table and moving closer to me. His eyes were full of concern as they looked into mine. “I thought you'd like it. I mean, you are over the eating disorder, aren't you?”

 

I diverted my gaze. “Yes but… it's not that easy.” I frowned, I was letting him down. I seemed to be doing that so much lately. “I'm sorry, I don't mean to. It's just hard.”

 

Ed wrapped his automail arm around me gently. “It's okay, you haven't done anything wrong.” He seemed to know my thoughts without my having to tell him. It was somewhat disturbing but I let go of the feeling.

 

My eyes filled with tears as I shook my head. I was too weak to fight the demons. “I just can't seem to get it right. I've tried so hard but they just won't stop.” I leaned against his chest and sobbed with my hands pressed against my head. “Please make them stop. Please.”

 

His arms wrapped around me tightly. I could feel him as he kissed my head. “Shhh. Don't worry Ona, it'll be alright. We're going to make it through this. We've done so much already.” He lifted my head up to look into his eyes. “Haven't we?” I nodded slightly, letting my hands fall away. He looked so sad, so wounded, yet strong at the same time.

 

I moved back to lie against him. I'm hurting him again. I don't mean to but I am. Why can't I do anything right? I wanted so much to stay there, wrapped in his arms. But he was hurting, in pain because of my stupidity. I wouldn't allow myself to be selfish again. So I pulled away from his arms, bushing the tears from my eyes. My heart ached but I couldn't do this to him.

 

“Ona?” Ed's voice was full of concern. He started to move toward me but I held out a hand to stop him. His eyes begged mine to look at him, but I just couldn't. I turned my head away sadly. He took my hand and kissed it gently. “Please let me help you. I want to help you so badly. Can't you see that?”

 

Reluctantly I turned my head back to him. Tears filled my eyes again. He seemed so warm, so loving, so kind. That was why I couldn't hurt him. “I know you want to but…” I bowed my head, I couldn't face him. “But I don't want to hurt you again. You've done so much already. I just can't bring myself to…”

 

He slid against me. I could feel his warm breath on my neck and it made me shiver. His hand looped behind my neck, then lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. His golden eyes were alight with something I couldn't quite understand. Was it pity, or love? “Then don't push me away now. If you don't want to hurt me, then let me be near you. That's what I want.”

 

I closed my eyes as he pressed his lips against my temple. I swallowed hard and let out a slight gasp. I'd had my heart locked away for so long that it seemed to stop momentarily. Why does he want to be near me? I'm not as good as he deserves. Yet I couldn't pull away, something inside wouldn't let me.

 

“Ona,” He whispered in my ear gently. “Please let me help you.” His voice was strong, almost demanding. But at the same time it didn't seem like an order. It almost sounded as though he were desperate, though I couldn't understand why he would be. “Please.” He murmured again.

 

All at once something snapped inside of me. I had to get out of there. It wasn't where I belonged. I got up from the couch quickly. His eyes were full of worry as I ran from the room. I made my way down the hall before rushing into the bathroom.

 

My heart pounded as I slammed the door. My breathing was hard and labored. Then I saw it, my way to let go. Without thinking I knelt before the toilet. I threw back the lid and pulled my hair back behind me. Then I let it all go, everything I had eaten seemed to come out along with all my confused emotion.

 

 

I sat back against the bathroom wall, sobs racking through my body. I'd lost it all, everything in one moment of weakness. I can't believe I gave in. I haven't done that since last time… Bulimia…my old friend, come to claim me once again. If I could have I would have laughed at the foolishness of the situation. Sure Ona, overcome anorexia to become bulimic, that's the way to do it. My mind laughed sarcastically.

 

 

Finally I stood slowly and looked in the mirror. My eyes were watering and my throat burned. I washed out my mouth out and then splashed cold water on my face. It was like a bad dream. I'd come out of a nightmare into my own private hell, that I'd created with my own two hands.

 

As I opened the bathroom door I walked out carefully. It was late; Emery and Alphonse would already be in bed. I'd been in there for what seemed like an eternity, alone with my inner demons.

 

Coming out I found the house was dark and quiet. Cautiously I started to move down the hall, but then my eye caught a glimpse of someone sitting to the right of the door. I glanced down to find it was Edward. His knees pulled up before him, with his elbows resting on them. He had his head against his hands; his hair was coming loose out of its braid and now fell across his shoulders.

 

He turned his head up toward me. His eyes were full of the same pain that had filled them when Al had rejected him. They were red and tired, circles already forming beneath them. He didn't frown deeply, instead it was just slightly, which made it seem even worse. My already broken heart was crushed.

 

I moved to stand against the wall on the other side of the door. With my back pressed firmly against it I slid down the wall. Bending my knees I sat in much the same position he was in. My own eyes felt as though they were full of sorrow and hopelessness. I folded my arms across my knees and laid my face down on them.

 

He didn't move to stand, didn't reach across the doorway to me. It felt as though it were a rift separating us by miles. But he did speak, his deep voice hurting more than it had earlier that day. “So this is it? This is the way it's going to be? You're just going to pull away, not even try to let me help you?”

 

I turned my head to look at him, while keeping it lying on my arms. He looked so helpless at that moment, the same way Al had when Winry told him he couldn't hold his brother's hand. I had to say something, it was my move. “I'm sorry. I want you to help but… it hurts so much.”

 

His real hand reached across to me, begging me to take it. In this way he was asking me for admittance. Slowly I reached out and received it, squeezing his just a little, which brought a smile to his lips. Gently he slid over to my side, his back resting against the doorpost. I swallowed hard as he lifted his hand to move a hair from my face. The movement was so little but it meant so much.

 

I leaned against his shoulder for support. All the while the demons whispered in my ears. What do you think you're doing? You're worthless. Why try again when you know you'll just fail? My eyes closed and hands rose to my head, pressing hard against my ears to try and quell their words.

 

My eyes opened wide as I felt Edward move my arms back down again. He was kneeling before me. He gave me a wry smile while placing limbs against my sides. Then he raised his hands and pressed them gently against my ears. I closed my eyes again as he touched his forehead to mine. “Let me silence them.” He whispered.

 

He'd had demons whispering in his ears for seven years. He knew exactly what I needed. Knew what they were whispering. His had stayed with him all the time just as mine did. They had been never ceasing, even at night they would hiss in the ears of their victim.

 

Yet with his hands against my head they seemed to pause. They even seemed to fear him, backing away at his closeness. I could feel them hissing at Ed, trying to force me from his loving arms. But I would not let them, not this time.

 

I swallowed hard and opened my eyes. His head was still against mine. His eyes still closed in sorrow and concentration. I moved my chin forward gently, turning my head slightly. His eyes opened just a little then closed as our lips pressed together. My own eyes shut, allowing me to take in the sensation of his love. His warmth felt so good that it melted my heart.

 

He backed away a little, sucking in air before pressing his lips back to mine. My hand found its way up his back to press against his soft hair. I let my legs fall to the side allowing him to press closer to me. His real hand moved behind my head while his automail one moved to press against my back.

 

Slowly he backed away, his breath as ragged as my own. He smiled gently, causing a grin to creep onto my own lips. His golden eyes shown, like a guiding light in the darkness. I watched as he swallowed hard then moved a hand to my cheek. “Ona, I love you.” He murmured.

 

My lids fell a little as my heart took in the words. While the demons were still there they seemed to be a million miles away. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall. My breath and voice seemed to have been stolen away.

 

He moved to be close again. I felt his hot breath on my ear. “I love you so much.” His lips traveled to kiss my cheek while his hand moved to brush my hair out of the way. “So much.”

 

I took a deep breath before opening my eyes. “I love you too Edward.” A smile tugged at the sides of my lips. My heart seemed to regain its regular beat deep within my chest. “I'll try.” I told him bushing his lips gently with mine. “I'll try as hard as I can, for you.”

 

Ed smiled and stroked my hair gently. “And I'll be there, to catch you, when you need me to.” With that he moved to lift me into his arms as he stood. He pressed me tightly against his chest as he walked up the stairs. I let my eyes fall shut, allowing my ears to listen to the sound of his heartbeat.

 

 

Author's Note:

This chapter is dedicated to those of my friends who stood by me. The ones who helped to silence my demons. Thanks, ya'll saved my life.