Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ First Person Plural ❯ Chapter 3

Someone's cooking…

You noticed that too, huh?

I yawn and hold the pillow tighter against my chest, staring at the black and white screen on the television, the sound turned off leaving me to try and read lips. Not really a problem, but I am somewhat distracted.

Boring… Let's find cartoons or something.

I tilt my head to the left and pick up the remote, pressing the channel up button four times before it decides to work, and then when it does work it skips ahead nine channels. That gives me a start. "Let's just leave it there for a minute," I tell myself, setting the remote down.

The commercial ends and replacing it is a talk show rerun from the far past.

Must be one of those oldie stations.

I think that term is only appropriate for radio, but I could be wrong.

I think they just call it Classic Television. Who's he?

Who cares, he's dead.

What's the topic?

"Dinner."

The topic is dinner? Huh, what?

No, Heero, telling us that dinner's ready.

I blink at the television screen a moment before picking up the remote and holding my thumb down on the power button. It flickers off, then on again, finally deciding on off.

Standing I move into the kitchen where Trowa is stirring something on the stove and Quatre is leaning against the counter next to him, chatting amiably. Heero nods to the table and I sink down into the seat nearest the door with a smile. No one seems to notice so after a second I don't bother wasting the energy.

"You feeling any better?" Quatre asks kindly.

Oh yeah, like we just had an encounter with a Mac truck.

"Yeah, I was tired, I'm fine now. Any chance of moving this thing along faster, maybe getting us out of here by Friday?"

Heero's brow furrows. "I was hoping to wait until after Friday, make the move Saturday, and wait Sunday out as there is another big storm coming in. That way we have the before and after cover of two large storms, and then we can leave on Monday."

That's a full week though…

"Sounds like a good plan to me," Trowa remarks from the stove, turning with the pot and placing it in the center of the table. I glance inside to see some sort of rice and chicken mix.

Heero settles into the seat beside me, Quatre taking the on across from me, and then Trowa seats himself across from Heero. It takes a moment for the noise in my mind to calm down enough for me to dish out something on the plate without my hands shaking, and even then I'm not very steady. "I can deal with that," I say at last.

Heero gives a nod and a moment or so passes. It's not going to be an easy night, an easy week for that matter. I feel like a stranger in my own skin, and even though I know better I think I just might be going crazy. It's time to talk to Dr. Johnson.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ease down in the corner of the bedroom and listen to the muffled sounds from the living room and kitchen for several moments before dialing the number on the emergency cell phone I'd dug out of my bag. I bring the phone to my ear and hold it there with my shoulder, a hand cupping over the mouthpiece without thinking.

Got something to hide? Something to be ashamed of? Are you ASHAMED of us?

I wince as she answers her phone and I'm not sure where my voice has gone as I try to answer. Nothing comes out, I feel as if I'm sinking beneath water, there's a spot on the bed that's rumpled that I can't tear my eyes away from… I fall back somewhere and feel my body relax.

"Hello Doctor Johnson. I hope that we're not interrupting anything."

There's quiet on the other end of the phone for long enough that I'm fighting for control again, and denied it. Then she speaks, her voice soothing and calming, washing over me and making me feel safe and warm. "Austin, no, you're not interrupting. I have half an hour left in my lunch break actually. What's wrong?"

"Not much, Duo's just having some trouble keeping everything together and we're… we're out doing things right now. It's proving a bit stressful on him, on me, on all of us."

"I'll help you in any way I can. Can I speak with Duo, or does he not want to come out right now?"

"I don't know, hold on a moment." I claw my way up to my body, taking control again, and slowly the feel of the phone against my ear, the carpet beneath me, the wall against my back, drags me into reality.

"I'm here." My voice sounds thick to me.

"What's going on?"

Three simple words and that's all it takes for me to spill everything that's been in my head the past few days, leaving out only what I have to, such as the mission and several key details about location and schedule. I hate it that I can't even let her know when she can see me again, only that as soon as I can get there I'll be there. She spends a good ten minutes calming me down.

"Keep breathing, large cleansing breaths, relax your body. Stress will not help you right now; you need to be calm and focused. Now, you already know what I'm going to tell you, don't you?"

"Yes, but…"

"There are no buts right now Duo, and you should know that. You have placed yourself in a high-risk situation and you need to take all the necessary precautions to neutralize the situation as much as you can. Body time, each day, for all of you, even if it's just ten minutes or so. The journal, every night. From what I gather you're in an enclosed, cramped environment, despite that do not go out of your way Duo to make sure the others can't interact. You really need a support; someone that you can turn to that knows that will help, but since you refuse to let anyone that you're close to know then you absolutely have to make due with what you have. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Sandra."

"I am trying my absolute best within the limitations you have set."

"I know, I know…"

"No more cutting?"

"None."

Ring around the Rosie…

"Good. Can I talk to Meyer?"

I swallow, let myself focus in, fade back until everything around me becomes distant and fuzzy, and I know Meyer has come out.

"Meyer."

"Yeah Sandy?"

Pockets full of Posy…

"You're feeling neglected, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

Ashes, Ashes…

"It won't be for long, but you can't separate yourself from the others with your behavior, they are what will help you through this. You know what will happen if you do, don't you?"

Meyer begins to chew on his thumb, frowning. Sniffling he gives a slight nod, eyes fixing on the teddy bear sitting haphazardly in the bag beneath the table. "He put Toby in the bag, he's not allowed to be out cuz of Stoneface."

"He did, did he?"

"Yeah."

"I'll speak with him about that before I go, if you promise me something."

"No!"

We all fall down…

I wince inwardly, despite only being able to half follow the conversation.

"No, no, no, no, no, no. That's not something that you can do, it ain't fair. I need Toby."

"You're right, I'm sorry. I will speak with Duo about Toby, and I'll pass the word on to Austin, but I still want you to try and do something for me. Can you do something for me? It's very important."

"What?"

"Don't hurt Duo. When you hurt Duo, you hurt yourself, and you hurt the others."

Meyer grows silent, rocking his body slowly against the wall, the only sound coming from him soft sniffles. "Will you try, Meyer?"

"Yeah…"

"Thank you. Now let me talk to Duo so that I can go."

Meyer sniffles once more and fades back as I come forward, feeling lightheaded and disconnected. It takes me a moment before I can speak; getting things I need from others who had been closer and keeping better track of what was going on.

"Sandra?" My voice comes out a weak whisper. I hate that, I hate my weakness, I hate all this but I can't let it break control.

"Give Meyer back Toby. I think you can see the wisdom of a little embarrassment over explaining his angry outbursts or another cutting."

I give the damn bear a sour look but tell her I'll let the bear out of the bag.

Cat out of the bag; cat out of the bag, cat out of the bag.

"Let me talk to Austin again. Does Bailey have anything to say? He's been very quiet."

"No, he's fine, he just says hello and he hopes you're having a good day."

"Let him know after you put Austin on that I'm having a fine day, and thank you."

I fade back again, a small shudder shaking my body, thinking somewhat disjointedly that we should have a conversation after this, all of us, in the journal.

"Yes Doctor Johnson?"

"Keep an eye on everything, Austin. I'm counting on you to keep this together, and to keep everyone to their word."

"Yes ma'am."

The door to the room opens and Austin sees Heero step in out of the corner of his eye, a puzzled expression on his face. I'm vaguely aware of this, aware enough to not want to be aware, but I can't quite pull myself into reality enough to do anything about it.

"Duo?"

Who else?

Who's there?

Austin lifts the phone higher to his mouth. "One moment if you please, thank you." He lets the phone drop, his hand over the mouthpiece. "Yes Heero."

"Discussion, living room. Who are you talking to?"

"Ou…My…Does it matter? I'll be out in twenty seconds."

Austin turns back to the phone, making sure his body language conveys quite clearly that that would be the end of it. "Thank you for waiting, and yes, I'll take care of that. I have to go now, goodbye."

Austin turns the phone off, in the process clearing the last number dialed, and moves to drop it in the bag. The bear came out of the bag and onto the bed. Heero didn't even have a chance to lift an eyebrow before Austin had gave him an icy warning look, one he hoped would distract Heero enough he wouldn't notice the shudder running through our body.

It takes me a moment to gather all of this information and put it in some semblance of order before I give Heero a slight smile. "I thought we had something we had to do…"

He gives a wary nod and slowly turns to leave the room.

I feel vulnerable and empty. It's so hard to keep the chaos in my mind from showing through my mask as I go through the motions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blank white page, seems such a shame to write on it…

I prop the journal up on a pillow and draw my legs up so that my back won't be hunched over unnecessarily. Tapping the pen against my lips I try to ignore the sounds coming from the other parts of the small cabin. Quatre's soft peaceful laughter, the occasional resonance of Trowa's voice, the tap, tap, tap as Heero fiddles with this or that.

The black pen drops to the paper and in neat, precise handwriting on the far right of the page, first line, goes the date, day, month all spelled out and the time. I tilt my head to the left and watch as the pen drops down to the next line and begins to write. It's always disconcerting seeing my hand moving and not knowing what it is that will be on the page.

Austin: Dr. Johnson seems very worried about us.

Ara: She's right, you know, continuing to do this is incredibly stupid. Most Multiples can't function in daily tasks, and here we are behind a weapon of mass destruction.

As if from another room I see my hands pushing the pillow aside and my body sliding down the bed until I'm resting on my stomach, the journal in front of us. Hey, wait, Toby. Pushing back up, reaching blindly for the bear, snatching its ear, settling back down with Toby held in one arm. He smells clean and fresh, despite all the travel and all that we had been through. One day I'll have to see what Bailey does to clean it.

Ara: Tomorrow Heero said that he'd be working on the heating system, it seemed to be dragging a little-

Duo: He did?

Ara: Yeah

Duo: When was that?

Austin: Directly after dinner, he made a mention of it offhand as we were leaving.

Duo: Oh.

Ara: As I was saying, he said he'd be working on the heating system, and I'd like to help out.

I am vaguely aware of nibbling on the end of the pen. One of Ara's nervous habits.

Austin: What all are we supposed to be doing tomorrow?

Meyer: I wanna build a snowman!

Austin: If planes are moving overhead for any reason that is a sure sign of life, and there isn't supposed to be any occupants here. We would like to keep, well, they would like to keep this a secret. It usually works best.

Meyer: So?

Bailey: I'd like to cook dinner tomorrow night. It's so rare we stay somewhere that I can cook.

Duo: Now wait a minute, you guys. Close quarters with these three, their bound to notice that I'm acting a little strange if I-

Meyer: U r strange. Get over it. No, I take that back, your sichotic.

Duo: It's psychotic, and no I'm not.

Bailey: He's neurotic. If he were schizophrenic then he'd be psychotic.

Ara: Wouldn't that be a "we're neurotic"?

Duo: It might be nice to be schizophrenic, at least then I'd be the only one able to hear the voices.

Meyer: HEY!

Duo: Just kidding, just kidding. Sorry.

Meyer: You don't like us.

Duo: Not this again Meyer.

Ara: He likes us just fine. It's just you he doesn't like.

Bailey: Hey, no need for that. We have enough problems as it is.

Meyer: Yeah, and here comes another. Maybe I should tell Heero you want to kissy kissy him.

A weight seems to drop from nowhere and settle on my chest, a feat considering I'm laying on my stomach.

I lift my eyes slowly to see Heero sorting through his bag, not three feet away, and I have a temporary struggle for control that results in the teddy bear flying to the right, the journal to the left, and my almost falling off the bed.

Austin ends up with control.

Looking slowly over to Heero I notice in that distant place I'm floating in the wide-eyed uncertain look on his usually impassive face.

Not every day someone has a fight with themselves, huh? Stick around, you'll see more.

He seems poised on the verge of saying something when a shudder shakes my form like a cold chill and distantly I'm aware of my body lifting to my knees, Meyer reaching and snatching the bear from Heero's hands, holding it tightly against his chest.

"Mine, not yours."

Disaster, Disaster, Disaster.

Danger Will Robinson.

This is no time to be funny!

And the home of the brave…

Thoughts are flying through my mind too fast for me to comprehend what's going on and I know that they are definitely not all mine.

"I know that Duo. I was just picking it up," Heero says slowly.

"I'm not stupid!"

"I never said you were."

Meyer pulls the teddy bear closer and rocks backward to sit, hunching in on himself.

Crash. Burn. God, how am I going to explain this one?

Switch. Ara loosens his hold on the teddy bear and leans back on his elbows with a smile. "All right, just making sure," he says with a smile that makes my face hurt. "Thanks for picking him up." Wink.

Ara's fingers curl around the arm of the bear. Switch. Bailey looks down with a frown and begins to pick little invisible things from the fur, dropping them in an invisible pile on the bed.

"Duo?"

"Not right now, busy."

I never want to come back. Good, don't, we don't want you back. This is not the time… This is the perfect time!

I manage to claw my way back to the surface and smile weakly at Heero. "Go shower. I'll shower next, so I don't use all the hot water."

Good reasonable advice. Why's he not moving? Isn't that look so adorable on his face? What? A mix between fear and uncertainty and confusion? Adorable? On Heero…

I resist the urge to scream at him for not moving and Austin assumes control, taking care of it with a well-placed look. I could just imagine the thunder and lightening coming in to back it up.

Heero must too because he gives a little nod and picks up his toiletry bag and leaves without a second glance.

I take in a gasping breath of air, feeling tears pricking the back of my eyes, and Austin takes complete control, immediately calming my body. Leaning down he picks up the journal, closes it, settles it on the bedside table and places the pen over it. Picking up the glass of water from the table he brings out the Ambien and swallows two down. My protests are lost somewhere in the crashing orchestra of thought.

I'm a dead man…