Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Three Small Words ❯ Chapter 4

Author's Notes: Hello peeps! Someone yelled at me for not updating this so, here I am. By the way, anyone else noticed that I have a tendency to pick on Heero? Shounen ai and angst ahead (but you knew that, didn't you?). Also some lovely Heero torture, yum!

Lawyers? Disclaimer is still on the first chapter. Have a nice day.

Three Small Words: Part Four

life keeps getting harder

and it just keeps getting harder to hide

the darker it is around me

the easier it is to see inside

outside the glass

the whole world is magnified

and it's half an inch

from here to the other side

i guess that push has come to this

so i guess this must be shove…

- Ani Difranco: Glass House

Quatre paused outside the door and knocked softly, pulling back as the door swung open underneath his hand.

"Heero?"

Hesitantly, Quatre slipped inside, expecting to find the boy still asleep in bed. But one looked confirmed that both the bed and the room were empty. Frowning, Quatre placed the tray down on the dresser and moved further into the room.

"Heero?"

A squeaking noise, followed by the distinct sound of rushing water reached Quatre's ears and he smiled and turned towards the closed bathroom door with relief. Debating briefly on whether or not Heero was decent, Quatre concluded that the only shadows cast on the bathroom floor were those of Heero's feet and he knocked briskly before stepping into the room.

"Heero, I brought you breakfast! You'd better eat it before it gets c-oh my…"

Quatre stood in the doorway, eyes wide with shock, one hand coming up to cover his open mouth. Heero stood by the bathtub, arms raised over his head with the act of pulling his tank top off. His body was thin, almost emaciated, each rib starkly outlined by thin, grey-ish skin that stretched tautly over the bones like paper. Heero's cheeks were slightly sunken, making him look like he was sucking in his breath. His eyes were a bit too wide, the pupils almost black with dilation, dark bags underneath betraying his lack of rest. What horrified Quatre the most were his arms. Those strong, muscular arms that had once bent steel bars had now lost all their muscle, shrunken to the thinness of stick, the skin pale almost to the point of translucence. Quatre was sure that if he tried he could snap the fragile bones easily.

Heero stood in perfect stillness, not even bothering to hide the waste his body had become. His eyes bore into Quatre's in silent reproach.

'Look at me,' they seemed to say. 'Look at what you have allowed me to become.'

"No…" Quatre whispered, taking a step towards the boy.

Heero flinched and drew back, covering his chest with his arms.

"Stay away," he said, the flat monotone revealing nothing of the turmoil he felt inside. "I don't want to hurt you."

Quatre's eyes flashed into a darker shade and his mouth twisted into an angry sneer.

"You couldn't hurt me if you tried," the blond boy hissed, taking hold of Heero's shoulders. Heero struggled briefly for a few moments and then found himself to weak to continue. His head sank down onto his chest in shame.

"Why Heero? What the hell are you trying to pull? Did you think we wouldn't notice? Did you think we wouldn't care? You dumb fuck! Were you trying to hurt us? Are you so selfish Yuy? Allah, you're killing yourself slowly! Why would you do this to yourself? Why?!" Quatre yelled, shaking the boy.

"It's better this way," Heero murmured, averting Quatre's eyes.

"What?"

"I have to punish myself," Heero continued, softly. "I've done bad things. I've hurt Duo. That's why he left me. He's gotten sick of me. That's why he left. I have to punish myself for that. I don't deserve to live for what I've done."

"Heero…" Quatre bit his lip, trying to find words that would help him console the boy standing before him. None came. "Then why didn't you just kill yourself," he asked, hoping that maybe Heero hadn't given up completely.

Heero's eyes drifted shut and he sagged against Quatre, all his strength used up.

"Because," he whispered, "I promised him once that I wouldn't die…"

~ Heero you idiot! Why the hell did you go and do that, huh?

I failed the mission. Failure means death.

That's bullshit and you know it Yuy! What's you dying going solve anything? So we lost one battle, so what? We can regroup and fight again tomorrow. The colonies need you, Heero. I need you!

No one needs me. I am expendable.

No! You fucking asshole! You dumb prick! Why do you gotta say dumb shit like that, huh?

Because it's true…Duo, why are you crying?

Because I feel things, dammit! And I know you do too. And you're not fucking expendable! Not to me! Don't leave me dammit! Don't…you…dare…leave…

Duo…Duo stop! I won't leave you.

Promise me! Promise!

I promise you. I won't leave you ever again.

Heero…Oh Heero… ~

"Oh Heero…" Quatre felt tears prickle the back of his eyes and he blinked them back, thinking desperately of a way to help his friend. The boy in his arms shook and after a while Quatre discovered that it was not from emotion, but from cold. Heero had no fat left on his body to keep him warm. Quatre sighed and sat the boy down on the toilet, grabbing a towel from the rack and draping it around him. Heero sat silently, his face like stone, his lips pressed together in a thin line.

Quatre knelt down before him and placed a hand beneath his chin, forcing the boy to look up into his eyes.

"You can't keep doing this to yourself Heero. It won't solve anything. And it's putting all of us in danger. What if we were attacked? You couldn't possibly survive in this condition. What about your duty to the mission?"

"That's just it," Heero said, his voice wavering just slightly. Anyone who wasn't listening for it would not have caught it. "Duo was my mission. And now he's…"

~ What are you doing?

Don't bother me. I'm typing up a mission report.

Always the fucking mission. Don't you think of anything besides that, Heero?

Why should I?

God, you sound just like a robot. I swear you feel more for that stupid lap top then you do for me.

Duo, the mission always comes first for a soldier. He eats, breathes, and sleeps the mission. His mission is his life and he dedicates himself fully to it.

Well then, just for once, would you make me your mission Heero?

…Ryoukai.

Mmm…you know I love you, right Heero?

Yes. I know. ~

"Heero?"

Quatre's voice snapped Heero back to the present and he looked up, startled. Quatre's eyes were no longer accusing, just sad. Heero scowled. He didn't want anyone's pity. He didn't deserve it.

"Why can't you just…tell Duo you love him? I know you do. I can feel it, I can see it. I know you're not used to expressing emotion but it wouldn't be so hard…"

Then Quatre felt it, the flash of fear that stabbed at him when he said the word "love" out loud. The fear was not his own, it was Heero's. Curious, Quatre pulled down the shields he had created around his mind in order to block Heero's pain and peeking into his mind, trying to find the cause of that fear.

~ FLASH

You're bad. *whip* Bad boys need to be punished. *whip* Don't tell me you don't deserve it.

Please stop mamma. It hurts…

FLASH

No, please…I can't take this anymore…

You know why I'm doing this, don't you? I love you. I'm doing this because I love you.

It hurts mamma, it hurts! PLEASE- *crack*

FLASH

Oh God…

This is for you. Everything is for you. I *whip* love *whip* you *whip*

…please stop.

FLASH ~

Gasping, Quatre tore himself from Heero's mind, writhing at the feel of scars that were not his own fading into his skin.

"By Allah…"

"You had no right!" Heero yelled, pushing Quatre away from him. "You had no right to do that! How dare you invade my mind like that!"

Quatre, still shaken by the assault of Heero's memories, couldn't respond, couldn't only watch as Heero retreated into the corner, wrapping his arms around himself protectively.

"Heero-"

"Get. Out."

"I…"

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Staggering, Quatre got to his feet and fled from the room, clutching at his chest where a throbbing pain was growing, spreading out through his body. Feeling light-headed, he stumbled down the stairs, tumbling down the last few into Trowa's waiting arms.

"Quatre!" The uni-banged boy cradled his lover in his arms and carried him over to the couch, setting him down gently. "What happened."

Struggling to rebuild his shields, Quatre turned stricken eyes to his partner, his mouth twisted into a grimace of pain.

"I didn't know," he gasped. "I didn't know…Oh God, Heero…so much pain…"

"Concentrate!" Trowa said. "Block it out, Quatre. You need to block it out."

Quatre grasped his lover's hand weakly in his own.

"Trowa," he rasped, "we have to do something. We have to make this right…"

"We will," Trowa promised, not knowing if what he was promising was possible. "We will."

Quatre's eyes closed and he sighed, giving over to unconsciousness. Trowa held his angel protectively, wondering what in Heero's mind was so painful it could have caused this reaction.

'This is all wrong,' he thought. 'This shouldn't be happening. Why is this happening?'

Silence was his only answer. Silence was always his only answer.

To Be Continued…?

Well…that was unexpected. Seriously I didn't think I was going to write that. Who knew? Hmm, now I'm going to have to find a way to fix it. Or maybe not…