Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Three Small Words ❯ Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Hey, I told you I wouldn't be dropping this series and I'm not. In fact I've got the climax of this all planned out…it's just the ending and all the stuff in between I haven't figured out yet -_-;;

Anyway…musical inspiration comes from Ani DiFranco's Wish I May. The lyrics are scattered throughout. And If you get the chance I suggest you listen to some of Ani's stuff. It's brilliant work ^__^

And if any of you are lawyers and looking for the disclaimer…it's on first chapter scum. Don't bother me. On with the angst!

Three Small Words: Part Three

Heero flung a hand over his eyes and tried to shift his body into a comfortable position. His sheets were tangled in his legs and the blankets had long since been kicked onto the floor by his restless movements. The room was still…unbearably so. Even after a month without the comforting huff of Duo's breathing beside him Heero still could not get used to the eerie silence. Groaning, Heero fought back a shudder and pressed his arm harder against his head, wishing he could simply force the memories out.

'It didn't used to be like this,' he thought desperately. 'I was fine sleeping alone for most of my life. I never needed anyone's company before. I never wanted anyone's company. I was just fine by myself. What's happening to me?'

Giving into the insomnia that had gripped him for the past three weeks now, Heero sat up and swung his legs around the side of the bed, shivering as his bare feet came into contact with the cold wood floor. The moon shone through the window and Heero glared at it as if its' pale glow were the reason he could not sleep. The room was cast in dark shadow and through the window Heero could just make out the tops of the trees that lined the compound, branches almost silver in the moonlight. The stillness of the room surrounded him, suffocated him. He could feel the blood pounding in his ears and his heart raced in a sudden bout of fear.

What if he was the only one left alive in the universe?

'Stupid! You're thinking crazy thoughts now. Of course you're not alone in the universe. Trowa and Quatre are in the next room over for Christ's sake and Wufei just beyond that…and Duo.'

Ah, Duo. Now there was the problem. What was the point in not being alone in the universe if Duo hated him?

You know what he wants. Why don't you just give it to him?

'I can't!' Heero wailed inside his head.

Why not? It's only three small words. He says them all the time.

'That's different.'

How?

'He says them all the time, to everybody! It doesn't matter who. That's just Duo's way. How do I know he means it when he says it to me?'

How does he know you mean it when you won't even say it to him?

'You don't understand!'

Had Heero not been so tired, arguing with himself might have been seen as a signal to seek professional help. But it was three in the morning and he hadn't slept in days and he had to find something to fill the silence in his head and he sure wasn't about to hum show tunes.

Heero shivered again and wrapped the sheets around him, bringing them up to cover his head. It was a very warm night, even for mid-June, but all Heero felt was cold, an icy chill that seemed to seep into his bones. Tucking his feet up under himself, Heero resumed his argument with himself.

'Duo doesn't understand. He doesn't know what those words mean.'

And what do they mean?

'…pain. Pain and fear and humiliation. He doesn't know that lo-those words cause hurt. He doesn't know that caring is bad. I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to care.'

You never told him.

'No. And I'm not going to. I don't need his pity.'

Maybe it wouldn't be pity. Maybe it would be…comfort.

'I don't need comfort either.'

Oh really. So why did you allow him to seduce you? Why did you let him into your bed? Why do you feel like crying every time you make love to him? Why do you let him near you if you don't need comfort?

'That's different," Heero countered, struggling to keep his thoughts in order. 'That's not comfort. That's just sexual gratification. I'm a teen-aged boy. It is normal for me to want to…to be with him. It's just hormones.'

…If you believe that then maybe it's better that he left you.

//I'm losing my love of adventure

I'm losing all respect

for me and myself tonight

I wonder what happens if I get to

the end of this tunnel

and there isn't a light//

Heero listened to the wind rustle the leaves outside. The moon cast it's sickly shine on the boy's outstretched hands and his fingers curled around, making it seem as though he were trying to grasp quicksilver.

The eyes that searched into the surrounding darkness were wide and luminous, set in a face that seemed a bit too small. The deep blue shade of his irises made his skin look pale and ghostly. Heero raised a thin wrist before his face and he was amazed to find the limb thin and fragile, the paper-like skin showing a web of blue veins criss-crossing beneath the flesh. Heero had always been thin and wiry, but lately his appearance had taken on a waif-like quality, his bones jutting out sharply from the tightly drawn skin, his cheeks hollow and shadowed.

He had not been eating very well, his appetite taking a nose-dive. Heero never had paid much attention to what he ate. As long as he wasn't too weak to complete a mission, it didn't matter to him if he got nourishment or not. But then Duo had come along and bossed him into eating more frequent meals, sharing his love of food with the stoic soldier.

//I've worn down the treads

on all of my tires

I've worn through the elbows

and the knees of my clothing

and I'm stumbling down

the gravel driveway of desire

trying not to wake up

my sleepy self-loathing//

Heero remembered waking up in the middle of the night to hear sounds coming from the kitchen. He would ease into the room, gun held out in front of him, but it was never an intruder or OZ soldier that met his gaze, but a braided pilot happily snacking on whatever he could find. He remembered how Duo used to turn and smile, ignoring the gun in his hand to wave him over and hold up his latest creation…

Oi, Heero! You've gotta try this, it's delicious…c'mon man we've got to fatten you up or you're gonna start to look like Trowa.~Hn, baka. What is that mess?

It's a triple-scoop, chocolate-chip, hot-fudge sundae! Food of the Gods, I swear.

You're going to give yourself a stomachache.

Aw, c'mon Heero. It's good. Don't you wanna try some?

I don't like ice cream.

Don't be silly, everybody likes ice cream! Grab a spoon and sit down.

You're crazy.

I know. But that's why you love me, right?

…I'm going back to bed.

Mm'kay, suit yourself Heero. But you're missing out on something great…~

Heero shook his head, trying to rid himself of the ghostly echoes of his memories. Duo wouldn't say that to him anymore. Duo hated him. And now he didn't have any reason to fear, to say those words…

'So why do I feel so empty. This was what I wanted, wasn't it?'

//do you ever have that dream

when you open your mouth

and you try to scream

but you can't make a sound

that's everyday starting now

that's everyday starting now//

Abruptly, Heero slid off the bed and walked over to the window, pushing it open to let the cool night air flow over his skin. Carried on the breeze, the heady scent of juniper floated through the open window and Heero closed his eyes and let himself be soothed by it's comforting smell. The air was thick with humidity and in the distance Heero could hear the soft roll of approaching thunder. The wind, which had been gentle moments before suddenly grew in intensity until the shutters banged against the wall, sharp, like the shot of a gun. Heero's eyes snapped open and he tensed, his body like taut wire ready to snap into movement at a second's notice. The wind howled and pulled at the boy, whipping at his limbs and tossing his already bed-messed hair. The shutters rattled and swung for a few moments. And then…the wind was gone and the air became very heavy, almost a pressure on the boy's lungs.

Heero waited, knowing what would come next. He tasted the moisture in the air and knew what it meant. He waited.

//don't tell me it's gonna be alright

you can't sell me on your optimism tonight

it's a stiff competition

to see who can stay up later

the stars or the street lights

and all they really want

is to be alone with the darkness//

A drop of liquid pattered on the windowsill, creating a perfect circle in the dusty surface. The sky rumbled. Another drop fell, then more, and then faster and thicker in a torrent of rain. Heero felt the wind lift the droplets and toss them onto his already chilled skin, trailing in small liquid rivers down his naked chest, soaking into the fabric of his shorts. Reaching out his hand, Heero caught a droplet in his palm and held it to his lips to taste. Around him the percussion of the rain reverberated, filling the silence of the room.

'I wonder if Duo is listening to the rain, too…'

The American from L2 had loved rainstorms with a passion. Having lived on a colony where water was a precious luxury, the natural occurrence of rain seemed a miracle to the braided pilot and his joy in the event was infectious. Heero remembered that Duo would always drag him out to play in the rain, splashing in the puddles and skidding across wet pavement. Heero would always call him a baka and urge him to come inside where it was dry and warm but Duo would have none of it. Of course he would always get sick afterwards but he always declared that it was worth it.

~Do you see it Heero? It's like the heavens are weeping. It's a blessing from God. If I had three wishes my second one would be for it to rain forever!

Hn. What would your first wish be then?

Why you, silly. I'd wish for you.

Baka. You already have me.

Yeah. I guess I do. I love you, you know, Heero.

…Let's go inside before you catch cold again.

But Heero don't you…all right. Let's go.~

//no more wish I may

no more wish I might

it takes a stiff upper lip

just to hold up my face

I gotta suck it up and savor

the taste of my own behavior//

Rain trailed down Heero's face, one droplet just at the corner of his mouth. Heero's tongue came out to taste once more but this time, he tasted salt. Mystified, Heero brought a hand to his cheeks and wiped at the moisture found there. Around him the rain beat in strict tempo, drowning out any sound he might have made. And then, just as sudden as it started, the violent wind faded and the fall of rain slowed…and then stopped, leaving Heero alone with the silence once more. Thunder echoed once again, but it was faint this time, only a gentle rumble.

//I am spinning with longing

faster then a roulette wheel

this is not who I meant to be

this is not how I meant to feel//

With a sigh that was more a soft exhalation of air then anything, Heero fell back onto the bed and pulled the covers over his head. There, in the warm darkness of the cavern he had made for himself, Heero could clutch his pillow to his chest and pretend, for just one moment, that he wasn't alone.

//I don't think I am strong enough

to do this much longer

god, I wish I was stronger

this song could never be long enough

to express every longing

god, I wish it was longer...//

Quatre called up the stairs for the fourth time this morning, a plate of now cold eggs and toast in his hands. The others had all eaten and gone about their separate duties for the day. Wufei had eaten a bit earlier and was outside, presumably practicing his daily exercises and Duo had grabbed his breakfast to go, claiming that he needed to go into town and pick up some supplies for his Gundam. Trowa and Quatre had both eaten at their leisure, enjoying the quiet morning by themselves. But now they had finished and Trowa was silently cleaning the kitchen while Quatre stood by with Heero's untouched portion. The blond looked worriedly up to where the silence was thickest. Not a sound traveled down to show that a presence was alive upstairs.

"I know he's awake," Quatre murmured to himself. "He never sleeps in. And he hasn't gone out already because his keys and jacket are still here. By now we should have heard something. Even the clicking of laptop keys…anything!"

Trowa glanced over his shoulder at the blond and gave him a comforting smile.

"Maybe he's just tired. You know he hasn't been sleeping well lately."

Quatre remembered the dark shadows under Heero's eyes and the weariness that seemed to settle itself on his features over the past few weeks. He sighed.

"Maybe…but-Trowa he can't afford to miss another meal. I haven't seen him eat anything for three days now. I know he's the Perfect Soldier and all that but even he needs to eat!"

Trowa considered this for a moment, then nodded and ran the dishcloth over the counter one last time.

"Why don't you warm that up and then take it up to him. He might just want to stay in bed today," he advised.

Quatre beamed him a bright smile and nodded, sliding the plate he held into the microwave for a few minutes. When the eggs were suitably steaming, Quatre took the plate and a glass of juice and placed it on the tray Trowa had thoughtfully decided to pull out from the top cupboard for him.

"Maybe this will make him feel better. You never know…" Quatre said cheerily, pausing to give his lover a quick peck on the cheek before bouncing up the stairs, the tray rattling as he went. Trowa smiled after him but the expression quickly faded as soon as his lover was out of sight. He knew it would take more than breakfast in bed to shake Heero from his depression.

'I suppose I can't blame Duo. It's not his fault that he needs reassurance. But dammit, it's not Heero's fault either. I just wish there were a way to solve this without one of them getting hurt…'

Trowa sighed and threw the dishcloth into the sink. He went into the living room and settled himself on the couch, picking up the discarded newspaper and pretending to read it as he strained his ears for sounds of life up the stairs.

To Be Continued…?

And the angst parade continues. I think the next chapter should show some insight to what Duo's thinking through all this. And I have the urge to get Quatre really really mad…

Duo: Are you crazy?! Do you remember what happened the last time Quatre got really really mad?

Cherry Blossom: Vaguely…

Duo: He blew up a f*#$%ing colony!

Cherry Blossom: Just one planet.

Duo: ::holds his head in his hands and sighs::

Cherry Blossom: ^__^ E-mail me! And you might get a sneak peek of the next chappie! Who knows?