Hikaru No Go Fan Fiction ❯ The Extent of Denial ❯ Wearing Down ( Chapter 26 )

A/N: All right, guys! With the holidays happening, I won't be able to update next week*end*, but I will probably update that week. Part of why I won't be able to do my regular weekly update is that I'll be writing a double chapter. And yes, I promise (cross my heart and hope to die!) that Hikaru and Akira will be getting together! So stop worrying and gnashing your teeth! :D

 

 

 

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Akira leaned his forehead against the wall, his hand lightly resting on the phone. He was planning on calling Hikaru, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so.

 

It had been two weeks since their afternoon at the beach, and he had only seen the other boy a couple of times. Once at the Go Institute, and once leaving a nearby Go parlor. Both times Hikaru had made excuses about how he couldn't chat, he had to go, he was too busy to have coffee with Akira, or to stop by his apartment.

 

He had been calling his rival almost every day, trying to schedule time with him, or at the very least just have a conversation with him, but Hikaru hadn't been answering or returning his calls.

 

His hand curled into a fist as he recalled Hikaru's breezy smile that had acknowledged and dismissed him both times even before he'd had a chance to speak. Before the smile, however, there had been a raw moment of surprise and something else in those green eyes. Had it looked something like sadness, or was he just imagining it?

 

He hardly felt like keeping his tutoring appointments these days when Hikaru was so ardently avoiding him. It wasn't fair to his clients. They were paying for the attention of Touya the professional, not a distracted and scattered Akira. He was certain that they noticed his lack of focus.

 

To make everything perfect, he had also seen his father at the Go Institute the other day. For what, he couldn't imagine. Perhaps he'd had a meeting, or he truly was considering rejoining the Go world. Whichever, it had startled Akira badly, especially since their only interaction had been in the form of his father giving him a savage glare as they passed each other.

 

Sadly, he hadn't even done anything to merit that glare. He and Hikaru barely saw each other, nevermind having an intimate relationship with each other. He had almost laughed despite himself when the thought had crossed his mind in response to his father's look. It was never advisable to laugh in Touya Kouyo's face, however.

 

Akira had hoped that his father would have asked how he was doing on his own, but had known better than to expect such. He was surviving, although he was struggling with doing his own laundry, cleaning and cooking for himself. He'd always depended on his mother for such things, and he found that doing it all on his own took more of his time than he wanted to give. But there wasn't exactly an option.

 

He sighed and removed his hand from the phone, turning away. There was no point in calling Hikaru when—

 

The phone rang suddenly, startling the life out of him. After he recovered from having his heart leap into his throat, he turned back and lifted the handset out of its cradle, expecting that it would probably be his mother. He made an effort to compose himself before he answered.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi!” Hikaru replied energetically. “Are you busy this afternoon?”

 

Akira clutched the phone frantically, pressing it closer to his ear. He didn't think he'd heard that correctly. “No?” he tried.

 

“Good! Isumi and Waya invited us over tonight to hang out and play Go, and maybe watch a movie. And if we're going to play Go, you know I need you.”

 

He felt his heart sink at the thought that Hikaru would need him only as a Go partner. “A-ah…yes, I'd like that.” But he couldn't help but be excited at the prospect of finally getting to see Hikaru again. “Will Kota be there?” he asked, trying for a casual, offhand tone.

 

“No. I thought it could just be a friend thing.” Hikaru seemed slightly taken aback by the question, possibly even defensive.

 

Akira smiled. “That's certainly agreeable to me.”

 

“Ok, I'll pick you up at…4:00 P.M. How does that sound? That gives you two hours to primp and preen and whatever else you do to get beautiful.”

 

“Hikaru!” he burst out, shocked. “I do not primp or preen! Nor do I need that much time to prepare myself to see friends! Just what do you mean by `get' beautiful, anyway? Are you implying that I'm not naturally attractive, that I must expend a great deal of effort to be that way?” He was slightly hurt by Hikaru's words.

 

The other boy's laughter rang out, almost deafening Akira. “Akira, you're so silly. You know you're naturally beautiful. You couldn't be anything else.”

 

There was a strange and awkward moment of silence between them after those words, as if the cover on something better kept secret had been pulled back just the slightest bit. It was too intimate for what they were supposed to be to each other.

 

Akira cleared his throat. “Yes, 4:00 is fine. I'll be waiting for you.”

 

“Yeah right, I had to wait for you last time,” Hikaru retorted, a grin in his voice.

 

Another one of those awkward little silences happened, both of them no doubt thinking of the beach and what had happened there. Akira sighed, feeling his body tingle at the memories that filled his mind. Being close to Hikaru…

 

“Still there?” the other boy murmured.

 

“Yes. Yes, I'll see you then. I apologize, I didn't mean to drift off.”

 

“When are you going to have your house-warming party? It's long overdue, and you said you would a while ago.”

 

“I…hadn't thought about it. I suppose I can plan it now that I'm completely settled in.”

 

Hikaru sighed. “Can you do it before this weekend? I'm going to be pretty busy, and it's only going to get worse in the next several weeks, so I'd rather you do it before we go back to playing matches on top of everything else.”

 

“I'll plan it.”

 

“You'd better! I'll see you in a bit.” Hikaru hung up.

 

Akira slowly set the phone back in its cradle, feeling vague and surreal as it sunk in that he'd be seeing Hikaru soon. It was true that he wouldn't be alone with his rival, but at least they'd be together, and without Kota.

 

He headed for his bedroom, determined. He would choose the most flattering clothing in styles that Hikaru would appreciate, and he would wear a little cologne. He would spend more time than usual on his appearance, despite the fact that he had just been mercilessly teased about it. Perhaps then the green-eyed boy would notice him again.

 

Whatever it took to get Hikaru's attention, he would do it.

 

 

 

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Hikaru knocked, rocking back on his heels as he waited for Akira to answer the door, slightly impatient.

 

He hated that he'd been having to avoid his friend, but after last time, it was really the safest thing to do. But he missed Akira, missed him terribly. Interestingly enough, it seemed that he thought about his rival even more than usual when they didn't see each other.

 

He had chosen to wear one of his Go t-shirts and a pair of ratty, worn out jeans, but he doubted that anyone would mind. It was just going to be a nice, casual hang-out night at Isumi's place. He was looking forward to spending time with everyone again. One of the drawbacks to having a boyfriend was that he had less time to spend with his friends.

 

The door opened and he straightened expectantly, psyched up despite himself. Akira stepped out without fanfare, offering him a slight, shy smile.

 

Whoa. Hikaru felt his mouth go dry as he stared. The other boy was wearing a filmy black long-sleeved top with a deep v-neck, exposing delicate, perfect collarbones and a long, graceful column of pale throat. And were those actually form-fitting jeans that Akira was wearing? He was painfully aware of his mind spinning and logic dissolving, especially when the bewitching scent of whatever his friend was wearing reached him.

 

Oh my god. You're beautiful. Why are you so beautiful?

 

“Hikaru?” Akira looked concerned, reaching out to wrap long, graceful fingers around Hikaru's naked wrist.

 

Don't touch me - please! He couldn't think when Akira touched him. Ever.

 

Gently, he removed the fingers from around his wrist, folding them against Akira's palm. “I'm fine. Are you ready to go, then?” He released his friend's hand, unable to tolerate the intimacy and warmth for very long.

 

The other boy frowned slightly. “Yes.”

 

He waited while Akira locked the door, then strode down the hall slightly ahead of him, not wanting to look upon the incredible beauty of his companion anymore…at least for a little while.

 

He needed some time to recover his composure, to say the least.

 

 

 

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Akira smiled a little to himself as he tried to remain focused on the movie, but he couldn't help feeling a little triumphant.

 

They had all played Go for the first few hours, and Hikaru had lost all three games to him by several moku. They were nearly on the same level now, and all it took for one of them to lose was a failure of focus or a weaker fighting spirit.

 

Hikaru was obviously distracted. Between plays, he had caught the other boy staring fixedly at him, apparently fascinated by his collarbones, his throat and his hands. When he had gone into the kitchen to fetch the tea that Isumi had steeping, he'd caught the tail end of an interesting interaction between Waya and Hikaru, the former slapping the shoulder of the latter repeatedly and chastising him for something.

 

Had Hikaru been looking? At him? He would love to know. He hoped that his choice of clothing was working to good effect. He strongly disliked the feel of the jeans encasing his body so closely, but if it drew his rival's attention, he would suffer the discomfort willingly.

 

Wanting to press his edge, he had leaned down closely over Hikaru's shoulder to deliver the tea, brushing against the green-eyed boy and murmuring some nonsensical and pointless commentary as he withdrew. Hikaru had stuttered out his gratitude and rewarded Akira with a blush.

 

But it wasn't enough.

 

He slanted a glance through the dimness at where Hikaru sat beside him on the floor, seemingly intent on the movie.

 

Waya's sudden exclamation startled him, jerking his attention back to the screen. He was surprised to see that the characters were kissing.

 

“There! There! I swear to god, Isumi, the movies you pick are all like this! It wasn't an accident that time, was it?” Waya had paused the movie and was glaring accusingly at his partner.

 

Akira was a little amused by their interaction, and fascinated and intrigued, as well. He had been surprised when they ended up lying on the couch together to watch the movie.

 

Isumi looked slightly guilty, but also a little sly. “Well, it worked, didn't it?”

 

Waya gasped, punching the dark-haired boy's shoulder lightly. “How evil! You chose that movie on purpose for your own devious intentions!”

 

“What devious intentions?” Hikaru interjected cheerfully, a wide grin on his face.

 

“None of your business!” Waya cried, actually blushing.

 

Hikaru laughed wildly, falling back to lie on the floor and kick his feet in delighted amusement. “Oh, god, Waya! Isumi seduced you with one of these movies?” That sent the green-eyed boy into fresh gales of laughter.

 

“Shut up, you little punk, or I'm gonna come down there and hurt you!” Waya was blushing harder now, and even Isumi had started laughing. “And you!” the auburn-haired boy growled, turning on his boyfriend. “You're not allowed to laugh!”

 

Isumi actually smirked, blue eyes full of wickedness. “Oh? And what are you going to do about it if I decide to ignore your commands?”

 

Waya sputtered, incapable of responding.

 

Hikaru was laughing himself into suffocation. Akira leaned over him, smiling but a little worried. “Hikaru, you have to stop laughing.”

 

“Can't…help it…” the other boy gasped out, tears running down his cheeks from laughing so hard.

 

“I am so getting you back!” Waya threatened, acting as if he were going to fling the remote at Hikaru's head.

 

“Don't, don't, Akira's in the way,” Hikaru managed breathlessly, grinning up at Akira.

 

He leaned down slightly, closer to his rival's face. “I'll shield you from harm, even if it hurts me,” he murmured, trying for teasing but ending up sounding more serious than he wished to. He had the feeling that he had just given the bleach-banged boy a tender look instead.

 

Hikaru's smile faded a little, softening in response to his own. “Would you really?”

 

“Hey, hey!” Waya barked. “None of that. There's already enough in the movie!”

 

“What are you talking about, Waya?!” Hikaru challenged with mock indignation.

 

“The sappy shit!”

 

“There's none of that over here, just with you guys,” Hikaru replied tauntingly, sticking his tongue out at Waya and Isumi.

 

“Whatever,” Waya retorted airily, waving the remote. “Now shut up and enjoy your gay romance.” The movie resumed.

 

Hikaru rolled his eyes, but remained lying on the floor, his right arm bent behind his head.

 

Akira leaned back on his hands, trying to focus on the movie again, but the more he watched, the more he thought about Hikaru lying beside him. He had no idea when he would see the other boy again. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to lie down beside his rival and curl up under his arm. He wanted to act out any or all of the fantasies that were always haunting him.

 

He was practically frantic when he thought of time and opportunity running out. Some things simply stopped mattering in light of that, like his pride, dignity and maintaining decorum. Without Hikaru, all of that was meaningless.

 

Remembering his words to himself in the shower a couple of weeks ago, he glanced furtively at the other boy. The constantly changing light from the screen played over Hikaru's sun-bright features, warming his heart.

 

`I do love you', he thought wonderingly. But he was uncertain as to what to do with the feeling, how to express it to Hikaru in a way that was believable. He also worried about driving his friend away by being too forward, or just blurting it out. He didn't know how the green-eyed boy felt about him, or if he'd be rejected if he tried to say it. He was almost certain that he would be rejected, as Hikaru had Kota, as he so often reminded Akira.

 

The other part of his thoughts in the shower didn't bear close study at the moment, especially as he was not alone, but he couldn't help but contemplate such things when Hikaru was close to him. He wanted to be closer than anyone else, to be the one that knew what the other boy was feeling and thinking before he himself even realized it.

 

Akira allowed his right hand to slowly creep towards Hikaru's, which was lying by his side. His rival seemed unaware of the stealthy approach.

 

He was vaguely aware that the pictures on the screen were becoming more intimate, but he couldn't concentrate on the movie at all. His entire universe had narrowed down to Hikaru's fingers, Hikaru's face.

 

When their fingers finally touched, Hikaru reacted immediately, wide green eyes leaping to Akira's face and doing nothing but staring for a long moment.

 

Akira couldn't smile, but he held that gaze, trying to allow reassurance and caring into his eyes, trying to send it to Hikaru.

 

The other boy, looking terrified, struggled up and was promptly on his feet. “B-bathroom,” Hikaru stammered, bolting.

 

As the door closed behind Akira's rival, the movie was paused yet again. Slowly, Akira turned his head to look at Waya, feeling those eyes burning into him.

 

Waya's amber eyes were fierce and protective. “What did you do to him?”

 

“Waya,” Isumi soothed, trying to defuse the situation.

 

“I just…touched his hand,” Akira muttered as he glared back, annoyed at being challenged by Waya, of all people.

 

“What are you trying to do? What are your intentions, Touya?”

 

“That's none of your business,” he bit out coldly, becoming thoroughly irritated at Waya's tone.

 

“Waya, don't,” Isumi said sternly, laying a hand on the smaller boy's shoulder.

 

“Hmph,” Waya responded sharply.

 

What had he done wrong? Why had Hikaru given him such a look before retreating to the safety of the restroom? What was different?

 

He sighed and crossed his legs, prepared to wait a while.

 

 

 

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Hikaru leaned against the cold counter of the vanity, practically lying on it. He needed it to support him, anyway.

 

Akira was doing it again. Touching him like that. Looking at him. Being too warm, too sweet. Each time, he felt perilously close to believing in it, to being lulled into falling into Akira's arms by it. He would never be able to stand it if he believed in what was offered, only to have it disintegrate beneath him.

 

And Kota. Kota. He was trying to have a relationship, and even though it was only three weeks old, Kota was a kind person. A good person to be with. One that cared about him and never played those maddening mind games. He liked Kota.

 

But Kota wasn't Akira, and no amount of denial or pretending would change that. The only person that he wanted was the one and only Touya Akira. Too beautiful, too brilliant, too unattainable and too cold.

 

Unaware, he had clenched his trembling hands into fists and shut his eyes tightly. Whatever he felt for Akira was many times more powerful than what he felt for Kota. It would be quite funny if it weren't so painful.

 

Akira, my chest hurts. I feel like I'm suffocating. Why do you do this to me?

 

Ignoring Akira's calls and messages was torture. Being surprised by seeing Akira when he was out and then having to blow the other boy off was even more torturous. He had seen the hurt in those aqua eyes both times at his rebuff. He hated to crush the joy and excitement that Akira had greeted him with, eyes almost shining. It made him want to hate himself.

 

But to allow the intimacy and closeness was even worse. It made him think and feel things that he shouldn't, made him believe that he and Akira had a chance. And that would only send him spiraling into sickness and depression.

 

Now he had done it again, running away from Akira's touch because he was afraid of his own reaction, his own feelings. He couldn't trust himself. Wasn't there some way he could tell Akira that it wasn't that he didn't care without encouraging the other boy's attempts to bait him? Wasn't there a way?

 

He straightened, pulling his t-shirt into some semblance of order, and exited the bathroom. Akira was looking at him expectantly, the shadow of unhappiness and disturbance in his eyes.

 

Hikaru walked over calmly to stand beside Akira where he sat on the floor, refusing to look down and meet the eyes that were trained on him even now. He leaned down a little and dropped his hand to lightly stroke his rival's sleek, silky hair once, twice, burying his fingers in it at the base of Akira's neck before withdrawing.

 

There. There. You felt that, didn't you? That I'll always care about you, no matter who or what.

 

The silence in the room was positively alive, and yet so heavy that he was unable to move, unable to walk away. Akira leaned against his leg, also silent. They stayed like that for what seemed like a whole minute, and Hikaru wasn't sure that he had the strength required to break the contact or the silence.

 

“Are we going to finish watching this gay-ass movie, or what?” Waya asked finally.

 

Slowly, Hikaru pulled away. Akira looked up at him with eyes that were almost all pupil, eyes that wanted something from him. He could tell that much, at least.

 

“I…I guess we could. It's only a little longer, right? Then I'll take Akira home.”

 

“I'm glad you didn't bring that Kota dude,” Waya remarked nonchalantly.

 

“Waya!” Hikaru protested. “You've never even met him!”

 

“Don't have to.”

 

Disgruntled, Hikaru sat down beside Akira again, but a little farther away. He didn't need any more provocation tonight, otherwise he'd have to go and seek Kota's assistance. He certainly wasn't in the mood for that.

 

Somehow he knew that if he allowed Akira any further liberties, he'd be going upstairs with the other boy when he took him home. That had to be avoided at all costs. His feelings would only become more deeply ingrained if he allowed that, and his heart would just break that much more when the inevitable rejection or `I wasn't serious' came up.

 

 

 

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Isumi blinked blearily as he settled back onto the couch from saying goodbye to Akira and Hikaru. Things had certainly been strange between those two.

 

He yawned widely, nudging Waya's shoulder with his. “Hey. Are you staying tonight?”

 

Waya made an irritated little noise, burrowing further into the couch cushions.

 

“I'll take that as a yes, then. What do you think about those two, anyway? Their behavior was quite unusual tonight.”

 

One amber eye cracked open to regard him. “I think they need to get it over with already,” the other boy mumbled sleepily.

 

“I wonder if that isn't exactly what they need to do. It certainly seems as if things are getting more intense, not less. I don't know how long Hikaru can keep this up. He'll have to choose. Do you suppose there's any chance that he won't choose Touya?”

 

Waya snorted. “Kota doesn't stand a chance. Hikaru doesn't think about anything else but Touya anymore. I can tell. Nothing else rolls around in his little brain but Touya's words, Touya's looks and Touya's Go matches.”

 

Isumi smiled. “Hikaru is more intelligent than you give him credit for. He just has a little growing up to do, rather like someone else I know.” He nudged Waya again just to nail his point in.

 

Waya flailed half-heartedly, trying to swat him. “Mean Isumi! I'm perfectly mature. Besides, I move a lot slower than Hikaru, and that should indicate maturity, right?”

 

“You wish,” Isumi teased. “But I am concerned about that. I can't believe that he's already been somewhat intimate with Kota. As I recall, he had the same issue with his girlfriend, but that was mostly due to her pushing. I think this is all Hikaru. It does make sense, though, especially when he's trying to resist Touya.”

 

“I'm worried that something even worse is going to happen soon. When I talked to him the other day, I managed to get him to tell me exactly what they did. That first time it was just touching each other, but Hikaru said that they've done more than that since. Just not sex. I'm afraid that the sex might come sooner rather than later.”

 

“What makes you say that?” Isumi prompted, frowning.

 

Waya cuddled into his side, getting more comfortable. “Hikaru is getting more desperate. And Touya is driving him crazy. He keeps saying that. He's having trouble keeping up the good fight, I guess. I don't see why he fights at all. He should just…do it.” Waya yawned.

 

“But I think he's afraid of becoming too involved. Wouldn't you say? You were sure of my feelings when we were together. Hikaru isn't sure of Touya's feelings. And Hikaru is emotionally fragile when it comes to Touya. They've become too intertwined. I knew all that obsession was going to lead them somewhere difficult.”

 

“Yes, great wise one,” Waya mocked.

 

“You're awfully wretched for being glued to my side!”

 

“You made me watch another one of those movies, and you tricked me with one to begin with! It was no accident. I owe you for that!” Waya sounded indignant, but the effect was a little spoiled as his voice was muffled by Isumi's chest.

 

“Hmm. But you're happy about where you've ended up, aren't you?” He stroked Waya's side, smiling.

 

“Mmm,” Waya agreed reluctantly.

 

“Why don't we go to bed?” he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of Waya's head.

 

The amber-eyed boy lifted his head, grinning cheekily. “Why don't you carry me? That's romantic, isn't it?”

 

Isumi laughed. “You don't know the meaning of the word `romantic'!”

 

“Oh yeah? I'll show you romantic.” Waya lunged for his neck, biting him.

 

“Ahh! Waya, that is not romantic! This is exactly my—“ he broke off as the biting became a caress of lips, the wet heat of his lover's mouth against his throat silencing his complaint.

 

“What was that?” Waya murmured against his collarbone.

 

Isumi had no verbal response to make.

 

 

 

 

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Replies to reviews!:

 

ChibiKoji_no_da: Thank you so much! ^_^ I'm incredibly flattered that my fic has renewed your interest in fanfics! I could never go so long without reading fanfics!

 

Devious Lil Devil: LOL! Yes, Hikaru seems a little misdirected, doesn't he? He's just desperate because he thinks Akira isn't serious and just wants him as a sometimes-toy…or something. :D Kota is going to find that out (re: Hikaru belonging to Akira) quite soon!

 

Shihiru: Totally NOT permanent, don't worry!

 

MewMew2: I love my reviewers! The fact that all of you take the time out to read and review my fic really touches me.

 

To all of you…thank you for following the fic and for all of the great reviews and support! I always look forward to reading what you all have to say!