InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Fano's Fantasies ❯ The Gift of Letting Go ( Chapter 5 )

Acknowledgement: Tremendous thanks to Fenikkusuken for her beautiful editing job and ongoing encouragement. She's a privilege to work with and to call friend.

Disclaimer: I don't own or profit from Inu & co. Rumiko Takahashi gets all the credit for them. It is my poem, though.

Warning: Major spoiler from chapter 465 (character death in manga).

 

 

 

The Gift of Letting Go

 

The night I let her go

was not the night she left.

Paralyzed against a familiar prison

the hollow wound in my heart had to open

one last time, had to bleed itself out.

 

What fortune I received

Was not what I deserved.

My final release came in the claim of

she who remained to fill the void,

soothing me, moving me with her love.

 

The warm sun that rose when she lay in my arms

Was not the cool moon that found me alone.

Warm and safe, absent the emptiness,

a life within me returned to

wrap itself in her, the gift of letting go.

 

 

 

 

The Gift of Letting Go

 

Kikyou had been dead for five days. I found myself sitting often, my mind blank. And as I sat, my body limp, my mind drifting, I could feel her slight frame in my arms again - slipping, finally, from the edge of death.

 

We'd had a goodbye, but so much had remained unsaid in the end.

 

The six of us left the place she'd died, marching towards the swirling youki that beckoned us in the sky; we walked because I knew that there was nothing we could do to help Sesshoumaru until the sky opened again. I'm not sure how I knew, but I did.

 

Our journey weighed heavily on me and I could not find any lightness in my step. As we walked I battled a constant anxiety, wanting to run after Naraku, but with little clue as to where we should look. My desire to destroy him was as strong as ever in the wake of Kikyou's passing, the dream of vanquishing him still pulling me, fueled by new anger; but my enthusiasm had waned, knowing Kikyou would not be there to share the victory, knowing that she would never have the final resolution of our betrayal to take with her into the shadowlands. For the first time, our goal seemed like a job - something we just needed to get over and done with so that we could move on… to something.

 

I was tired and the slow pace gave me time to reflect, whether I wanted to or not. After a few days of puzzling over why I was so lethargic, I realized that I felt a little dead inside; and the more I thought about it, the more I understood that I'd felt this way ever since Kagome woke me on that tree. Since that day, nothing but anger, duty and revenge had filled me, taking the place of any other desire. And now that the duty and lust for revenge were tempered, there was little left behind. Little to need. Little to want.

 

On the journey I noticed changes in my routine with Kagome, in how we traveled together, sat together and spoke. Over the course of our travels we'd become inseparable, and I had found myself enjoying carrying her from place to place and simply being in her company. Her small touches, while riding on my back or merely passing me a cup of food, had become part of my daily joys, and there were so few joys in my life since awaking on the tree that these small encounters with Kagome had begun to take on some importance. Sometimes the touches sparked other feelings in me too, new feelings I'd never experienced before, and I had begun to suspect that my interest in her went deeper than a few happy moments. But somehow, between chasing down Naraku and the continual irritation she had over Kikyou's rebirth, nothing much was said on these things. I had been content during our adventure to know that we both supported each other, as partners in our quest. Neither one of us questioned this commitment. But we never really spoke of our growing bond either, and when we did, the first subject to come up was always Kikyou and what she meant to me. I never had adequate words to express my feelings to Kagome's satisfaction - or to my own - and so, like with most things, the words remained unsaid.

 

But since Kikyou's, death something had changed. Whether it was within us or between us, or both, I wasn't sure. I wasn't really even aware of the shift at first. Outwardly, things went on much as they always had. I was still gruff and she was still sweet. But by the third day it had become apparent to both of us that we hadn't spoken of Kikyou at all. For the first time since that horrible day Kikyou had been resurrected, there was nothing between Kagome and I, nothing to stop us from saying words that suddenly felt as though they needed to be said… nothing except the words themselves. And as the hours wore on and the shock wore off, I noticed that the words desperately wanted to come out… just as desperately as I wanted them to stay in. The struggle to ignore the boiling mass of words in me became distracting and before I knew it, I was snapping at everyone for no reason at all.

 

Kagome, too, seemed less herself. Miroku had explained that she felt guilty about being unable to save Kikyou's `life' with her arrow. Somehow, I didn't feel like that had been her failure, but I hadn't told her this. I hadn't told her anything, barely saying a word that I didn't have to utter to just get through each day. Sometimes I caught her looking at me as though she didn't know who I was, and maybe she didn't. Maybe I'd changed. I really didn't know, and this growing silence between us only contributed to my bad temper. I'm sure the others noticed, but nobody said anything. All the unspoken words became so present that I felt like they drifted along side us through the forest, Sometimes I even thought I saw them, floating between us and carrying the dead pieces of my soul, like Kikyou's shinidamachu used to do to for her, preventing her body from giving up on its semblance of life.

 

On the fourth day, we'd come close to Kaede's village and Kagome had asked if she could go back home to restock supplies and get her school assignments. I grumbled a lot, but I was so distracted with the jumble of things inside me that I didn't put up much of a fight.

 

That night, we slept in Kaede's hut. The evening had been uncomfortable for me, being back in the village. Memories seemed to haunt me from the shadows, and when the fire died down and it was time to sleep, I had the oddest desire to lie down next to Kagome. I didn't understand it until later, but it was as though a sadness called us to comfort one another. I resisted the urge, and somehow I felt her disappointment. I did take up my usual position against the wall a bit closer to her than I would have normally. I don't know if it meant anything to her, but it did comfort me. Just not enough.

 

That night I dreamed. I don't dream often, and when I do it's either sinfully pleasant or horribly chilling. This night was the terrible kind, and as I fell into its depths a growl of fear and anger ripped from my throat in the dream, just as it had more than fifty years ago when I first comprehended Kikyou's `betrayal'. There were the flames, there was the piercing pain of the arrow tip as the shaft buried itself in my still-beating heart, there was Kikyou's face. But the true terror came from the oppressive weight of guilt and sorrow that I felt when I looked in her eyes as she approached. Unlike the day she'd pinned me for real, now I knew all the things that had gone wrong, and I understood my own stupidity. If only I hadn't gone after the jewel… The betrayal in her eyes as she came towards me meant so much more now, now that she was gone forever. As I watched her body fall to the ground, her blood draining into the soil at my feet, I began to succumb once again to the spell and woke in a cold sweat, shaking from more than the cool night air that breezed in the window.

 

I made myself wake up completely to banish the vision of her eyes, and when I focused on the shadows playing throughout the room, resting on the sleeping forms of my friends, I was acutely aware of her absence. Kagome was gone. My normal protective concern spiked with panic this night. Even as I sprang out the door, I recognized that my reaction was probably irrational since she most likely had just gone outside to relieve herself. But then the panic coursed through me fully when I smelled her scent trail off into the forest. Following it, I felt a cold weight on my heart as I recognized the path to the well. Kagome? Did you leave me?

 

As I broke through the trees into the clearing, I breathed a shallow sigh of relief. She was still here, sitting against the well, her head on her knees.

 

“What the hell are you doing out here?” The edge in my voice relieved a little of my anger and covered up some of my fear. “Who knows what you could have run into?”

 

“I'm sorry, InuYasha.” She didn't lift her head and I heard a sniff just as I smelled the salt of her tears. She'd been crying. “I couldn't sleep. I've been having dreams…”

 

I stood above her, unsure what to do. I felt words boiling in my heart, wanting to come out, wanting to spill out of me in a flood and I clamped my mouth shut against the tide.

 

I heard a few more sniffs and knelt by her. I didn't trust my mouth, so I just put my hand on her head, smoothing her soft hair. The touch released something into the cauldron of unspoken words and the feelings they simmered in. A strong desire to hold her overcame me, to give comfort and to receive it in return. Her hand rose and covered mine. I froze, so wanting to move into the embrace of her warm hand, so afraid of what might happen if I did. Everything felt unsure to me, my feelings, hers… and Kikyou. What would Kikyou have wanted? I knew that shouldn't matter anymore, but it did. It mattered very much, and that was the source of so many of the words pushing up into my throat. I kept my mouth shut and my hand still.

 

Maybe Kagome understood my hesitation or maybe she was too upset herself, but after a moment she lifted her head and I felt a little stab of pain when I saw a little trail of tears glistening in the moonlight.

 

“InuYasha,” she took a deep breath, “I'm going home, but I'll come back tomorrow night. I need to tell you something. Will you meet me at the Go-Shinboku tree when the moon reaches the top of its branches?”

 

Tell me something? I froze again, afraid to let her go… but she'd promised to return.

 

“Okay.” My voice expressed none of the emotion that I felt inside. It was a weak word that came out, a meaningless word. The meaningful words were still trapped. She rose and held my hand briefly as it fell from her shoulder. And then she was gone.

 

+++++++

 

The next day was miserable. I hadn't slept much after Kagome left, and without her around I found myself even crankier than usual. Miroku seemed to understand my foul mood and steered everyone away from me. After doing a few chores for Kaede and hunting up dinner, I sat outside the hut and watched the youki continue to swirl in the sky. I knew we needed to go there, but I also knew that there was nothing I could do to help my brother right now, and I was hardly in the mood to - not that I ever was.

 

Night came and I slept briefly when the others had lain down, but I was up before the full moon was high in the sky and took off to the Go-shinboku. It had rained earlier in the day and the forest was alive with the smells of wood and water. The fresh scents heightened my discontent; I felt like the only dull thing in a world come alive under the bright light of the moon.

 

I reached the tree before she did. There was no smell or feel of her. I wasn't happy about this because it meant I was alone with the tree, the living symbol of my life, its heartache and its pain. I'd died here at Kikyou's hand, and here was where Kagome had revived me. Yet, every time I visited the tree, I felt that it kept a part of me deep within it, and that I wouldn't be fully alive again until I'd reclaimed it. Climbing to place a hand against its rough bark near the puncture mark of her arrow, the words began to stir again, as though responding to the tree, reaching out to the part of me that was still dead. With a crushing wave of sadness, I understood that the words in my heart wanted to come out into the moonlight - that they wanted to live again.

 

“Inuyasha!” Her voice!

 

I whipped around, and the disorientation at hearing her voice became caught up in the dim vision of her dusky red hakama and snow white suikan. It was Kikyou and her bow was strung tight as she sighted down the shaft of a glowing arrow, beginning to play out this old nightmare from which I never seemed to escape. No…

 

The arrows came so fast that I was pinned to the tree before I knew it. Opening my eyes I noted that they had not penetrated my flesh. Her expert marksmanship had managed to secure me fast to the tree through my suikan sleeves and hakama. I instinctively struggled to wrench the cloth away and free myself, but the arrows were spelled and I couldn't move. I was trapped, which was familiar, but now a new emotion entered the nightmare I kept being forced to live through - anger.

 

“Kikyou! What the hell are you doing?” How can you still be here?

 

She said nothing, but dropped her bow and moved towards me, into the moonlight. I couldn't stop a gasp from passing my lips as her scent moved ahead of her to envelope me in more confusion. It was Kagome that had stepped from the shadows.

 

“Kagome? What-” the words stopped, stuck in my throat.

 

Remaining silent, she stepped up on the root, climbing to me. I shook my head, hoping this was just another nightmare, but the vision of her did not dissolve with the cold sweat that broke on my skin. It's really you... Why? She climbed to stand just below me, her hands lightly grasping my hakama to steady herself, and suddenly a rush of images and feelings came back to me as I looked at her body clothed as Kikyou. Even her hair was arranged the same way. Anger still simmered within me, but it was tempered by the shock of Kagome before me, in Kikyou's image.

 

“I don't understand…” in the mix of words unsaid, there were now so many more questions.

 

“InuYasha,” there was sorrow in her voice so thick that it stabbed me where the arrow should have. “Kikyou is here with us-“ she swallowed, “she needs to leave, but she can't. Not yet.”

 

“Why not?” Pain and anger mixed within me until they were the same emotion.

 

“I don't know.” A tear fell on her cheek and my hand couldn't reach it. “She needs to talk, and to say goodbye. She needs-” Another tear fell and I wondered if it was Kagome's or Kikyou's sadness I saw.

 

“But we said goodbye already,” I heard the tone of a small whine in my voice, like that of a confused and frightened child, and I swallowed it hard.

 

“Not all three of us,” Kagome's eyes were sad, as though she carried the weight of all our pain in her. “Not alive.”

 

“Kagome-“ I tried to deepen my voice from the constriction in my throat that worked to thin it and block it. “Is she hurting you?” She shook her head a little bit, but her face still looked drawn and unhappy.

 

“For all of us, InuYasha,” more tears spilled down her face, “please see Kikyou in me tonight.”

 

I felt dizzy, caught in some strange distortion of the most horrible events of my life, unable to come out of the waking nightmare. But when I looked into her eyes, I did see. It was Kikyou staring back at me, her tears glistening in the moonlight now. And the words, the words in me wanted to reach her.

 

“Kikyou,” I heard the softness in my voice and felt a surge of indignant anger inside, hating myself for betraying Kagome to her face. But it was Kikyou who looked back at me, who looked soothed by the sound of her name from my lips. “Kikyou, why are you doing this?

“I thought I could leave” She moved closer, pulling herself to me until the fabric of our clothes brushed against each other. “I thought when you came to let me die in your arms… I thought it was enough.” Another tear. “But I can't leave. Part of me must stay here with Kagome, the part of me that was always her. But she cannot have peace until you and I have said goodbye.”

 

I began to understand and a horror overcame me. Was I now a danger to Kagome? Would she be unable to live in peace as long as I was near?

 

“Kikyou,” I had an edge of anger in my voice now, “that's not fair. You must give Kagome peace.”

 

“I will,” she pressed her body against me, “we both will.” Unable to move my arms and legs, I felt her warmth push into me and I pulled my head back, trying to get away, as her lips met mine. But there was nowhere for me to go, no escape.

 

I'd only ever kissed one woman, and that was Kikyou, but both times her body had been lifeless, cold and surrounded by the stale smell of death. Those kisses had been gestures, echoes of a long dead desire, and my body had been unable to respond to them. But this was different. Kagome was very much alive, soft and warm, her lips full of life and moisture that called to mine, begging me to open to her, pleading with me to kiss back. Even as my body did begin to respond, I couldn't put the indignation aside.

 

“Kagome,” I said as she pulled back a bit, “what do you want?” I looked in her eyes and saw a shift that felt like Kagome coming forth. I found it very unnerving, but I was also glad to see her looking back at me.

 

“Only what I've ever wanted, InuYasha.” Another tear.

 

She rose up again and her lips came to mine with more urgency. Still confused, I didn't pull away, and as her hands slipped into my hair and wrapped around my neck I had the strangest sensation that I was kissing them both. With this thought, a surge of long-restrained desire flooded me and I began to press into her, notice the brush of her nose against my cheek, the fullness of her lips as they parted against me and the beat of her heart as it sped up against my own. An unfamiliar flush of warmth spread through me and I found myself parting my lips, offering to share myself with her and pressing in to accept the invitation of her tongue touching my own.

 

When I opened my eyes enough to see the image of her white suikan and loosely bound hair, a new surge of energy burst into me. Suddenly, my desire from fifty years ago was back, fresh and alive, as though the tree had released a little bit of my life back to me at that moment. I wanted her, I wanted her so much that all my power seemed a trivial sacrifice and I was prepared to give it all up just to be with her. I groaned aloud with the effort to reach her, reach into her and be in her. I began to fight the restraints of the arrows, but the spell held fast and even my strength would not loosen them. Just like it was then, I couldn't reach her now.

 

She pulled away and it was Kikyou looking at me, but it was Kagome's lips that glittered wet in the shaded light.

 

“InuYasha,” she said, “I wanted so much to do that when I was alive. I wanted a simple life with nothing more than your kisses…” Kikyou's tears leaked from Kagome's eyes, bringing a lump into my throat. “You said you wanted to live with me, as ordinary humans; you said you loved me; but tell me, did you want it too? The kisses?”

 

The fear that Kagome might be hurt by the words tumbling into my mouth was very clear in my mind, but I couldn't help it. Kikyou's voice speaking her question was like a key unlocking the door behind which all the words jumbled.

 

“Kikyou…” I blinked and felt a tear form, “yes. Yes. I did want that. I wanted it so badly…” The words paused for a moment and I leaned to kiss her again, tasting the salt of our tears blend between us. She broke away and I hung my head, feeling more words trying to get out, slamming into a new barrier. As though she understood, I felt her hand slide from the back of my neck to cup my cheek and lift my chin, forcing my eyes to find hers.

 

“And do you still want it?” I couldn't tell whether it was Kikyou or Kagome asking me that question and for a moment time stood still and I couldn't breathe. The words insisted on spilling forth, called to answer the important question that would decide so much that I didn't understand.

 

“I-“ I had to clear my throat to let the words pass, “No.” I shook my head and tried to let it drop again, but her hand wouldn't let me look away. Kikyou's eyes bored into mine and the confession flowed out of me with my tears, “I'm so sorry, Kikyou. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to become human. I want more than kisses, and-“ my eyes grew wide as I recognized the next words as a truth I'd been keeping even from myself, kept hidden behind the fact that Kikyou was no longer alive, “and I don't…” I couldn't say it.

 

“InuYasha,” her voice was soft and understanding, “there is nothing you can say that will hurt me anymore. Please tell us.” I saw in her eyes that she meant it, and that her request was for my benefit, to help me understand this truth I'd kept secret from myself. I took a breath to steady my heart.

 

The words were right there, ready to be said. “I don't want to spend my life with you anymore, Kikyou.” The fact that I couldn't have spent my life with her even if I'd wanted to was irrelevant to the emotions coursing through me. I suddenly became aware that until this moment, some part of me had clung to the hope and the possibility - no matter how remote - that Kikyou and I could still have built a life together - with the help of the jewel or in hell, I don't know; I just knew that some part of me hadn't given up on that old dream. But the rest of me had moved on, accepted new responsibilities and grown into new desires, most of which I didn't even understand. I felt my mouth turn down in grief, but it was a grief that went beyond the woman who looked at me through another's eyes. It was a grief for all that we had once wanted, once planned and once committed ourselves to. The grief was like a hole in my chest, spreading from the long-healed wound she'd put in my heart, threatening to consume me. The words were gone for the moment, replaced by an aching need to let new sounds escape; whimpers, cries and howls lurked in my throat now, pushed from behind by the growing darkness of an endless wound.

 

Slowly, she let my chin go and encircled me with her arms, leaning her head to my chest, as though she would fill the void growing there. But she couldn't fill it. As Kikyou used Kagome's arms to hold me, I felt the aloneness I'd always felt with her. We had been drawn to each other because we understood each other's loneliness… but we'd never been able to fill the space within the other. We had been alone, together.

 

I heard her sob against me and a barrier came down as the grief poured out of me. I dropped my face into her dark hair and let the tears flow into it, relaxing my body against the bonds holding me, crying silently with her for all that was no longer there to lose.

 

I don't know how long we stayed like that, her arms around me and my cheek resting against her hair. It seemed like forever, but I'm sure it was only a few minutes. When she finally pulled away to look up at me again, I felt exhausted and hollow, still alone, hanging on the tree.

 

“Kikyou?” I looked onto the moonlight playing in her eyes and tried to understand who I saw looking back.

 

“I will go now,” her voice was sad, but there was a finality to it, a weariness. “InuYasha,” she moved in until I felt her breath on my chin and tilted to it. “Whatever life you choose, you have my blessing.” Her lips met mine again, but this kiss did not have the passion in it from before. It was equally soft, but the light pressure of her lips, the fact that they did not part - these things bespoke of a pulling away rather than coming together. It was like the first kiss with Kikyou, lifeless and sad. I had no more tears, so I let our lips touch until we were done.

 

As she pulled away again, I looked down on her face to see Kagome staring back at me. It was definitely her, the shift in her mood as clear as a cloud revealing the sun. She looked a little confused, but not hurt.

 

“Kagome, are you okay?” I asked, just to be sure.

 

“Yes,” she looked into my eyes, as though searching for something, “she's gone, except for a little part of her that was always mine.” I saw a tear fall again, this one clearly hers. “She thanked me.” She blinked back more tears and opened her mouth to say more but didn't. Instead she just leaned into me, holding me and crying a single, simple sob against my chest, a sound that broke my heart with a sorrow I shared. I felt it; Kikyou was truly gone now and I was alone, together, with Kagome.

 

She felt soft against me and I wanted to hold her so that we could comfort each other, but I still couldn't move against the arrows, couldn't reach her. Looking down on her head below my chin, I needed to touch her, and suddenly the arrows' restraints became an unbearable barrier, walling me off, holding me back. The arrows, along with the sorrow and frustration combined to tap into a new well of anger inside me then, a fury against the arrows pinning me and this damnable tree that still held hostage a piece of my soul. Before I knew it the anger came out of me with an animalistic growl that sounded demonic even to my ears. My body made a groaning effort to break free, unintentionally pushing Kagome away as she leaned against me.

 

She moved back and looked skittish suddenly, the deep rumble of my roar against her ear having frightened her. Seeing her unease, I began to worry that she had misunderstood my anger, and maybe even what had happened between us before Kikyou had left.

 

“InuYasha...” her eyes would not meet mine and she looked at the arrows holding me fast, “I know you're angry that Kikyou's gone…” No, that's not it. I could tell that she was trying to decide whether to release me or not. The fear in her eyes was like another arrow piercing my chest, another wound to carry within me. I felt desperate to tell her - what? I had to remind myself that this wasn't about what I wanted, but about my duty, to Kikyou - and to her. Suddenly, there were no words. No words…

 

She continued to look uncomfortable and I had to do something, to show her she was no less than Kikyou to me, even if I couldn't say the words. “Kagome.” I twisted my head and tried to catch her eye, being unable to catch her face with my hand the way I wanted to. She looked at me, timidly, turning away as though she might run if I made a sudden move. “Wait.” I didn't like the growing uncertainty in her eyes. “Come here, Kagome.”

 

I lowered my head down until my mouth brushed her hair. Her face turned tentatively to me, stopping when our noses touched. I brought my mouth to hers gently, trying to tell her without the words. Her lips were soft, as before, but she didn't press herself to me, her kiss was lighter and I felt her eyelashes flutter lightly against my cheek. She was still afraid. The restraints bound me still, but now the arrows were the least of them. So many silences, so many missed opportunities and words unsaid, all passed by because part of me remained stuck to this tree, dead and frozen in time. All my anger swelled up and then dissipated again at the lightness of her touch. I felt defeated in my inability to break through to her, to make her understand. A great sadness grew in me, expanding with each feathery brush of our lips. She pulled away and I dropped my head again.

 

The words were suddenly there and I wasn't even aware that I had spoken them, as I withdrew again into my loneliness.

 

“Kagome, forgive me.”

 

I heard a small gasp as she sucked in her breath and I raised my eyes to see hers wide before me, full of surprise.

 

“For what, InuYasha?” her voice was barely a whisper and she glanced away, afraid to look in my eyes. I looked away too.

 

“For everything.” I had no idea where these words were coming from, but I didn't have the strength anymore to stop them. “For letting a part of myself die on this tree, along with Kikyou.” She looked at me then, and I saw a tear brim and sparkle, hovering above her cheek.

 

“So that's it?” Her tears were starting to fall, “You're going with her after all?”

 

Her words sent a jolt through me as I realized that's exactly what I was doing, continuing to die here on the tree, giving myself up to it and her memory. With this understanding a new surge of energy rushed through me. I didn't want to die that living death anymore. Kikyou was gone and I was still here. I looked at Kagome, understanding now that her question was as freeing as if she'd pulled the arrow out of my chest all over again. The question begged an answer, and for the first time in my life the answer was clear.

 

“No.” I felt my jaw set against those visions that had kept me bound to the tree, of duty unto death and revenge for a life no longer living. The visions faded quickly as her question revealed them as promises that no longer needed to be kept. “I don't want that… anymore…”

 

“What do you want now, InuYasha?” She sounded sad, afraid of the words she expected me to utter.

 

I swallowed past a tightness in my throat. In the silence we looked at each other, and I saw Kagome clearly looking back at me, no trace of Kikyou left behind. As though a veil had been lifted, in her eyes I saw all the things I did want and that could still be mine - joy, laughter and forgiveness. They'd been in her all this time, at my side, and even as I'd known this, I found that somehow I'd forgotten. Looking at her now, feeling free to want those things, to want life, a new lightness opened up inside me, a space to accept my desires. And one desire surged strongly into me then, the desire to live and to be together, no longer alone. The desire for her.

 

At that moment the tree at my back released that last piece of my soul, returning it to me.

 

Her question hung unanswered between us, and as I looked at her the words began to flood my being, ready to be said. I lowered my head, reaching for her again, but full of a new energy. “Kagome, come here.” She inched toward me. “Come closer.” I breathed against her hair but I still couldn't reach her. “Closer.” She moved into me, holding her breath; I could feel her heartbeat against my chest and excitement filled me as she pressed against my body. My heart pounding against hers, my mouth brushed her ear and I whispered, “I want Kagome.” Her heart sped to send tremors through me, reverberations that didn't skim the surface the way they had earlier, but ran through the length of me, stirring things long dormant. She didn't move. “Kagome,” I nuzzled her ear, pushing my cheek and nose against her, trying to tell her I needed her mouth. “Kiss me.” I pressed my lips to her cheek as she began to turn to me. “Please.”

 

This time when our lips met a fire ignited in me, burning from deep in my being and warming all my blood as it raced through me, pounding in my ears and blushing into my cheeks. I sensed her body's response as her mouth opened to mine, a hungry motion of her tongue probing into me, running over my fangs and drawing me into her. She pulled herself into me, wrapping me in her embrace, making me aware of every curve, pressing into me until my response was unmistakable between us. A groan rolled up out of my chest, communicating a need and a want that was simple and deep and so full of life.

 

She pulled her head away, keeping an arm around me and I knew the look on her face was one I'd take to my grave, happy, tearful and confused.

 

“InuYasha,” she still sounded uncertain, but she didn't move away. “What do you mean? Do you really want to be with me?” She fingered her suikan as if to wonder if I still saw Kikyou when I looked at her.

 

“Yes,” I tried to put all the truth I felt in my heart into my eyes, looking into hers, “that's what I mean.” She was quiet for a moment, searching my eyes. “Kagome,” my heart began beating faster, “what do you want?” She blinked and it occurred to me I'd never asked her this question before, afraid I couldn't give her myself if that was what she asked. But now I was only afraid that she wouldn't ask it of me.

 

“Only what I've ever wanted,” she repeated her words from earlier. “You.”

 

My heart leapt as she reached her hands up to my face and pulled me down into another kiss, one that brought with it all the unspoken needs we'd both been harboring through our long journey together and I felt more waves of desire roll in to wash the earlier sadness away. The lightness I'd felt opening in me continued to grow with the teasing motions of her tongue and the soft movements of her hands as she caressed my neck and smoothed my hair. My body responded with even more strength to the longings rushing through me and I torqued my shoulders, straining against the arrows binding me. Now that I had freed my heart I needed to free my body.

 

She pulled away a little as she watched me struggle, and the last traces of her fear and sadness appeared to melt away. “Now what do you want?” she asked, with the slightest crinkle of a smile on her lips. I frowned at her, annoyed that she found my predicament amusing.

 

“I want you to let me down,” I said. “Now that I finally figured out what I want, I want it!”

 

She laughed, and I frowned at her again, hoping the look on my face would encourage her to release me.

 

“Who says you always get what you want?” The look in her eye was mischievous. Instead of reaching for the arrows, she pressed up against me, kissing me deeply again and I forgot all about my bindings and kissed her just as deeply in return. Her hands ran across my chest and up into my hair, sending shots of excitement racing through me as she touched me.

 

“Hey, what are you doing?” I sounded angry as she pulled away, but it occurred to me that maybe I should shut up and enjoy this surprising turn of events, and the anger dissipated more with every stroke of her hands.

 

“Just playing.” A new tone in her voice promised more enjoyable times ahead, and the look in her eye left little doubt that she wanted me to relax and play along. I felt her hands filter through my hair and her fingers creep up to pet my hanyou ears as they flicked, instinctively trying to get away. She laughed. “Did I ever tell you that I climbed up here and touched your ears when I first saw you on this tree?”

 

“No,” I laughed back, relaxing finally, “but I'm not surprised. I think that's when I started to wake up. The only thing I remember about being asleep all those years was something bothering my ear.” We smiled at each other and she kissed me again.

 

I realized that this was exactly why I wanted Kagome. Kikyou had been a wonderful and deep woman, as Kagome could be, but she was never playful. As I let a smile curve my lips, I began to appreciate the choice I was making, and to revel in the life and love I saw looking back at me in her eyes.

 

“Kagome, I want to hug you so badly right now. Will you please let me off this tree?”

 

She smiled and reached up to kiss me lightly. Her eyes were beautiful and happy, shining in the moon's silver glow as she stepped back to look over the arrows. Steadying herself by holding onto my waist, she reached to release the arrows one by one, dropping them to the ground. The fabric began to loosen and my body grew heavy, finally succumbing to the pull of gravity. I felt weak as my weight came onto the tree root next to her, and I shook my hands a little to help the blood flow through them before I wrapped her in a hug that brought us fully together. She felt light and delicate in my arms, the most precious thing I'd ever held so close.

 

I scooped her up and jumped to the ground, kissing her again before her feet even touched the earth. Finally able to touch her, I couldn't stop my hands from running over her face, hair and body, feeling her and pulling her to me with a new strength and desire. I think I lost my heart in that kiss because when it was over and I looked into the shadows of her eyes, I knew that I was at that moment on the precipice, caught in the act of falling off - all the way into love with her.

 

She wrapped herself around me and I rested my cheek against her hair, enjoying her warmth in my arms, the sound of our hearts beating together and the exiting new stirrings between us. But when she pulled away again I saw Kagome looking at me through the trappings of Kikyou and it made me uncomfortable.

 

“What is it?” She looked searchingly into my eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed and I knew she was starting to worry, wondering if I had any doubts. But if anything could wipe away the residual thoughts of Kikyou that pulled at me, it was now Kagome.

 

“Here.” I walked around behind her and began to work the tie loose that bound her hair. It came off easily and I completed my circle around her, reaching my hands beneath her silky waves to drape them over her shoulders as she smiled up at me. I took her face in my hands and kissed her again. “Better,” I said, smiling.

 

“InuYasha…” she began, until I lifted her hand to lay the hair band across her open palm.

 

“Kagome… I'm not letting you go.” As I hugged her again, a little bit of sadness came to me, resurfacing with the thought of Kikyou. Feeling it needed to be acknowledged, I laid my cheek against Kagome's hair and listened to her heart beating against mine. Finally, the last words that remained unsaid came to me and I released them.

 

“Kikyou is dead. Her soul is at peace, and she's left us to each other. I've grieved her for so long…” The final words hung in my throat; I took a deep breath.

 

“Tonight, I let her go.”

 

+++++++++++

 

We didn't return to the others that night, wanting to be together before resuming the hunt again in the morning. Instead, we slept under the Go-Shinboku, nestled between its roots and wrapped in my suikan. I woke to see the morning sun filtering through the canopy of its branches, Kagome pressed close to me and breathing softly against my skin. I watched the sunlight glisten off the dew dotting the grass and let my gaze follow its path up into the branches spreading out above us, to where the leaves danced lightly in the early morning breeze. As I enjoyed the warmth of the early morning sun in the light playing across our bodies, I had the strangest feeling that the tree shared my joy.

 

We were together, not alone, at last.

 

The End

 

 

End Notes: Since the very first chapter of the InuYasha manga that I read, I've been struck by the symbolism of InuYasha frozen in time on the tree, waiting for his Princess Charming to release him. And much as I'm (clearly) an Inu-Kag shipper, I have a deep and abiding respect for Kikyou and the role she's played in both InuYasha's present life and Kagome's past life. I wrote a poem, Requiem for Kikyou, that helped me pay homage to her character, but there was still more that needed to be said. This fic scratched a bunch of itches for me to explore that visual, emotional and soul imagery that I revel in at the core the InuYasha story. Thanks for reading if you got this far and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!