InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Incomplete ❯ Chapter 31 ( Chapter 31 )

Kagome submerged her body in the hot spring's sulphur scented water and allowed her tears to mix with the droplets of perspiration clinging to her cheeks. She'd never felt so helpless, so heartbroken, in her entire life. The impossible had happened - Sesshomaru was gone.

Wrapping her arms around knees she hugged them tight to her body and let out a shuddering sigh.

He died trying to save me. He died because he loved me even though I'm human.

She stifled a sob that tried to force its way out.

Sesshomaru…I miss you so much.

The worst part was that not only had she lost her mate, she'd lost Rin and Jaken too. She hadn't seen nor heard any word of them since that night when the guards attacked.

For all I know they could be dead too, she realized with a fresh pang of sadness.

Even though she'd only been with them a short time, the curious girl and her imp sidekick had quickly endeared themselves to her and become part of her feudal family. Horrific scenarios of Rin being tossed into the woods and left for dead, just as she'd been, tortured her daily.

Sesshomaru, Rin and Jaken… She'd grown to love them all and in one night they'd been taken from her. It was as if a part of her body she didn't even know she possessed had been torn away.

It was easy to lose track of time in the hot spring's steamy waters. She'd been soaking for countless minutes or hours before Inuyasha come down the path to check on her. He'd been so good to her, so patient and attentive... It was obvious he still loved her which made it all the more painful to listen to his soothing words of comfort.

She didn't deserve his comfort. She didn't deserve anything from him. But he remained dutifully by her side, getting her food and holding her when she woke up screaming in the middle of the night.

Didn't he realize that his kindness would only make it more painful for both of them in the end?

As Kagome tried furiously to wipe all traces of tears from her cheeks her mind flashed back to their discussion days earlier.

"Inuyasha! What have you done?"

"I became human."

He said it so calmly it was as if he was explaining why he chose to wear a red haori instead of a blue or green one. She could only gape at him in muted shock. Why would he become human after all this time? Hadn't his entire goal during their quest to find the Shikon Jewel been to become a full demon?

When she asked him as much he'd merely shrugged.

"Becoming a full demon meant that I would lose everyone I cared about. Without you, Sango and Miroku and the others I'm nothing. It'd be worthless to become a full demon if it meant I ended up alone."

"But why? Why would you do it?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he'd said, taking her hands in his. "I did it for us, Kagome. I want you to be mine. I want to start a life with you here."

She'd stared at him in wide-eyed silence. 'Oh god, how am I supposed to tell him?'

Trying to side-step his comment she vocalised one of the many pressing questions making the rounds in her mind.

"What about Kikyo? What does she think of all this?"

She did her best to keep the bitter tone out of her voice but it emerged anyways. The pain of betrayal caused in part by the dead miko still stung sharp. She could still remember what it felt like to have her arrow forced through her chest.

"Kikyo's gone," he'd admitted quietly. "She disappeared with the Shikon Jewel when she used it to change me into a human."

He shook his head as if to shake off her memory and fisted his hand against his thigh. His voice was strong when he spoke, "I buried her a long time ago. You're the one I want to be with Kagome. I tried to tell you before you left but you never gave me the chance. That night I spent with Kikyo… It only proved to me that what I wanted had nothing to do with her."

Kagome turned away from the warmth and love shining for her in his eyes and tried to hide her face. She couldn't bear to see it. His human heart had softened his attitude and his words as well. She felt shameful and dirty, like she'd used him somehow.

'If I'd known all of this before, would I still have left?' she asked herself.

`Probably,' she admitted without hesitation. She would never regret going with Sesshomaru, but the guilt threatened to eat her alive. Why did he have to love her so much? Why did he have to be so kind to her after what she'd done to him?

Kagome hid her face, refusing to speak any more. After several moments of waiting patiently, Inuyasha had finally conceded defeat and moved to the corner of the hut where he slept on guard as always.

She cried herself to sleep that night, and every night afterwards, her dreams haunted by images of the man she loved dying before her eyes.

Kagome turned away from the shoreline at the sound of water splashing and tried to cover her nakedness. When she felt Inuyasha's arms wrap around her from behind she closed her eyes sadly but didn't try to fight him. Silent sobs racked her body as he held her close. Bending his head, he placed a soft kiss against her shoulder and rested his chin atop it.

"I hate seeing you cry Kagome," he whispered softly in her ear before tilting his head to rest against hers. His arms tightened to support her.

"Tell me what I can do. I want to help."

Kagome took in one shuddering breath after another. Her body felt weak and paralyzed in his embrace. It hurt. His kindness, his touch; she felt raw to the point where even his words hurt.

I'm not strong enough to survive this alone, she thought to herself. Not strong enough by a long shot.

She just wanted it all to disappear - the heartache, the tears, the empty longing that felt like a hole carved into her chest. She couldn't endure it any longer.

"Please Inuyasha," she whispered, her voice half pleading, half sobbing, "Make the pain go away. I can't anymore… I just want to be numb."

At her words, Inuyasha turned her by the shoulders to face him. It made his heart ache to see the hurt swimming in her gaze. Those beautiful chocolate orbs were never meant to hold such pain. He wanted to take it all away but didn't know how. Human emotions were still new to him and more often than naught, he found himself fumbling his way through them.

Caressing her face gently with one hand, he used the other to pull her in close and placed a soft, chaste kiss against her lips. She offered him no resistance despite the tears that leaked down her cheeks.

She felt like she was lost at sea, her body being tossed back and forth by the tumultuous waves. He was the only one who could keep her from drowning. She clung to him desperately, hoping against all hope that he could save her. She wanted so badly to be saved.

With a small smile, Inuyasha lifted her into his arms and carried her to the snow covered bank. His kisses were tender and patient, a pleasant distraction from the constant, throbbing pain in her chest.

Her self-loathing all consuming, she closed her eyes and pictured herself making love to Sesshomaru. She envisioned his powerful arm wrapped around her, the heat of his kiss, the warm glow of his demonic aura as it surrounded her.

She pictured his lips on hers, his hand pulling her in close….

A shudder ran through Inuyasha before he collapsed on top of her, breathless. She pressed her hands into his back, clutching desperately to the warmth of his body and the feeling of his breaths whispering across her skin.

A cold shiver jetted down her spine that had nothing to do with the blanket of snow pillowed beneath her. She smiled sadly when he whispered ardently that he loved her in her ear. She could feel his heart beating strong and hopeful in his chest and her own felt dead in comparison.

After a few tender kisses, he left her alone on the bank of the hot spring to finish her bath. Sitting up, she curled her legs into her chest and rested her chin on her knees. Her eyes gazed unseeingly at the dark waters that'd regained their glass like smoothness.

She'd felt nothing. Inuyasha had made love to her for the first time and she hadn't felt one ounce of emotion, not a single stirring inside her heart. Had Sesshomaru possessed her so completely that it was impossible for her to ever love another?

Inuyasha is going to hate me, she thought with quiet regret. But Sesshomaru will loathe me even more if he ever finds out.

As though in a trance, she slipped silently beneath the water's surface and began to methodically wash the scent of Inuyasha's love making off of her body. Her guilt made her paranoid and she eyed the trees warily, half expecting Sesshomaru to walk out from behind them.

She almost managed to convince herself that he would come for her…almost. Despite the lingering hope that kept her waking up each morning, her heart knew better. It felt leaden inside her chest; a decaying black cancer that grew where something vibrant and alive had once been.

She scrubbed every inch of her body until it was pink and raw and then finally collapsed against a rocky ledge. No matter how much she scrubbed, not matter how much soap she used, she still felt dirty.

She'd betrayed the man she loved, polluting herself right down to her very soul. There was no way to clean that kind of mark. She tried to remind herself that Sesshomaru was dead, that it was okay for her to move on, but in her fragile state she couldn't understand reason.

Reaching a hand over her shoulder she traced the crescent moon scar that shone in the moonlight. Originally she'd admired it, loving it for what it represented. Now it acted as a daily reminder of what she'd lost and could never have again.

Sesshomaru…I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.