InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Odds n Ends: General Audience ❯ Naraku Makes a Wish ( Chapter 7 )

Disclaimer: The characters of InuYasha are not mine, they are property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Yomiuri TV, Sunrise, and Viz. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

 

Genre: Humor, Silly, Snarky

Warning: Language and mention of sex

Rated: PG13

Characters: Sess-gumi and Inu-gumi, Naraku

Type: Crack!fic

 

=#= Naraku Makes A Wish =#=

 

Naraku held the glass jewel between finger and thumb, admiring the dark sluggish swirl of miasma that tainted its virgin purity. Through the orb the candlelight was sullen and twisted, a dark grey black that was neither light nor darkness but a misty mixture of the two.

Pleased by the final accomplishment of all his goals, he allowed himself a moment to gloat before he bid the jewel grant him his wish. At last, after all the opposition that had stood in his way, he, Naraku, was at last triumphant. Despite the best efforts of the wolf, the dogs, the fox, the cat, the mikos, the monk and the slayer, he had won. He had rid himself of both Kikyou and his cursed preoccupation with her.

He had conquered all.

He was free.

There was only one thing left to do.

With a smug smirk, Naraku wished for the jewel to make him the most powerful being in all the land. There was a small audible pop, and the tinkling sound of glass as the Shikon no Tama shattered into a zillion grains of sand.

 

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Tensaiga gave an impatient jerk in its sheath and began pulling Sesshoumaru towards the group of his brother's followers. He arrived to a chorus of Inuyasha's curses, watching with interest as the hanyou flung Tessaiga—sheath and all—as far as he could throw it. He and his small group joined Inuyasha's as they all stared at Tessaiga, watching it determinedly rattle its way out of its sheath. There was a mixture of awe and horror on everyone's faces as the sword flop about like a fish on land, screaming obscenities at all of them in a high pitched voice that was remarkably like Naraku's.

“$#%#@ hanyou!! #@$@%$#%$ miko!! ^&$(*^#&* dog demon!!!”

There was a very long silence, which was broken only by the stifled giggles of Shippo.

“#@$@#$@# kitsune!! How DARE you mock ME!! I am the most powerful being in all the land!! FEAR ME!!!”

The sword tripled its antics as it morphed into its full length, sunlight flashing off of its sides as it aggressively flipped its way across the ground towards them. One by one, Kagome's, Sango's, and Miroku's laughter joined Shippo's as the reality of their fearsome enemy's plight gradually sunk in.

“It's not funny!” Inuyasha growled angrily. “That's MY sword!”

With doggie ears pinned back against his skull, he made a dash within reach and snatched up the hilt in both hands.

“Filthy hanyou!!” Naraku screeched, “How DARE you fondle me so familiarly!!”

Black lightening crackled along Inuyasha's hands and arms until he was forced to drop the hilt. The sword let out an evil cackle that sounded like a pissed off chipmunk.

“Kukukuku! That's right!” Naraku purred with triumph. “Just try that again, stupid #$@!$#@!!”

As Inuyasha fell back with a hiss of pain, looking down at his scorched hands, Naraku continued his gloating.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” the sword snickered, punctuating each laugh with a somersaulting flip in the air. “I am the most evil, the most powerful, the most—eep!”

Naraku's tirade stuttered to a halt as Sesshoumaru's hand wrapped around the hilt.

“Ah—” Kagome and Sango exclaimed collectively.

“Wait!” Miroku called out a warning.

“Sesshoumaru-sama!” Rin and Jaken cried worriedly.

“You can't—” Inuyasha protested instantly.

“Unhand me you over sized pea brained monster!” Naraku squeaked vehemently, “The LAST thing this Naraku wants is for YOU to touch me THERE!!”

Black lightening danced around the fur at the base of the hilt, but spread no further as if it hit an invisible barrier. The entire length of the sword vibrated with the strength of Naraku's fury, but all of his efforts were impotent against Sesshoumaru's grip.

“Bitches,” Sesshoumaru growled back menacingly. “Who do you think I am?!”

“@#$@#%!! Stupid f'ing $#%%#!! $#%#$—”

Naraku's string of profanities fell silent as Sesshoumaru used his youki to deliver a proverbial slap to the blade.

“You will be respectful to your master,” Sesshoumaru decreed with quiet malice.

“Master?! MASTER?!?!” Naraku howled, “This Naraku will NEVER serve YOU!!”

Sesshoumaru merely smiled, pushing the thick length of Naraku back into the discarded sheath.

“NO! NO!” Naraku shrieked with growing panic. “NO! No! You can't do this to MEEEeeeeeeee…”

There was a small click as the sword slid home in the sheath, which was overly loud in the stunned silence.

“Well, guess that takes care of Naraku,” Shippo piped up.

“Miroku?” Sango prompted; and the monk unwrapped his hand, looking with wonder upon his normal palm.

“The Kazanna's gone!” he said as he showed his group of friends. His gaze turned to meet Sango's. Neither of them said anything, but from the way Miroku's eyebrows waggled, mostly everyone had a pretty good idea what those two were thinking. No one made a sound as the pair stammered out hasty excuses and hustled out of sight. It wasn't until the sound of tearing cloth and not so stifled giggles turned into the quieter sounds of flesh against flesh that anyone spoke up.

“Ne, Jaken-sama,” Rin asked with bright, curious dark eyes. “What are they doing?”

Jaken turned an interesting shade of purple and sputtered ineffectively.

“They're making babies,” Shippo said confidently. “Lots of `em!”

“Oh,” Rin puzzled it over for a moment before her face broke into a brilliant, hopeful smile. “Sesshoumaru-sama?”

“Yes Rin?” he replied.

“Someday, will you give Rin lots an' lots of puppies?”

Shippo snickered as the inu taiyoukai gaped, momentarily speechless.

“I want my sword back,” Inuyasha growled, taking advantage of Sesshoumaru's loss of composure to reach for the sword's hilt. The crackle of dark lightening deterred him at the last moment, and Sesshoumaru caught the hanyou's wrist in his fingers.

“Do not touch what is mine,” Sesshoumaru warned.

“But it's mine!” Inuyasha struggled against his brother's hold.

Sesshoumaru smiled smugly. “Not anymore. You cannot handle the evil power of a Naraku infested Tessaiga.”

“But you can?!” he asked skeptically.

“Of course,” Sesshoumaru replied with confidence. “This is fanfiction, after all. There is no RT here to baby you.”

“Fanfiction?!” Inuyasha repeated with a touch of panic. “How did I get HERE?!”

Sesshoumaru smirked evilly. “Same way we all did. Too bad this authoress is not your fangirl. Tessaiga's mine and so is she.”

“For once it's not all about YOU,” Shippo chimed in.

“That sucks,” Inuyasha complained.

“It has its perks,” Shippo replied.

“Yeah, what are those?” Inuyasha ask sullenly.

“Well for one, I bet you can get not only a kiss from Kagome, but go all the way!” Shippo pointed out.

“Really?!” Inuyasha shot back with interest, eying Kagome with a look that made her blush. “#%^&$ I've had erectile dysfunction ever since I drew Tessaiga…so do ya think this `authoress' can cure that too?”

“Sure!” Shippo replied with a snicker. “She can even make you an awesome lover!”

“No shit? Really?!”

“Yep.”

“Keep the damn sword with my love, Sesshoumaru! I'm gonna go get myself laid!” Inuyasha shot out as he snatched up Kagome and disappeared.

“Is that okay?” Jaken asked as he watched the hanyou and the miko leave.

“Sure,” Shippo replied. “After all, it's better to have the good graces of the fanfiction authoress and take what she gives you rather than piss her off.”

“What happens if you piss her off?” Rin asked with wide eyes.

“She slashes you with Jaken,” Shippo replied with a shudder that Sesshoumaru echoed.

“Oh,” Rin replied with big, wary eyes.

“Hey!” Jaken protested. “I resent that!”

“Sorry man,” Shippo replied. “But of everyone, you are THE horny killer.”

“You are,” Sesshoumaru said frankly. “Of everyone I've ever been paired with, and I have done everyone, you are the one I can't get it up for without serious assistance from the writer.”

“Even Inuyasha?” Jaken asked hurtfully.

“Even the hanyou,” Sesshoumaru clarified.

“Nobody loves me!” Jaken wailed as he broke down into tears.

“Poor Jaken-sama!” Rin said as she gave the little green imp a hug. “Rin still loves you!”

“Would you do me?” Jaken asked with wide, pleading, teary eyes.

“Rin doesn't love you like that,” the little girl replied firmly.

Jaken sobbed harder.

 

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