Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Lights ❯ Change Hurts Sometimes ( Chapter 2 )

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! and make no monetary profit off this fanfiction whatsoever. But that's only to be expected... ; )

Notes: Okay, lesson learned - no accent marks for me.

 

 

 

Chapter 2 - Change Hurts Sometimes

 

 

The door of the small cafe opened, revealing two soaked figures behind. The two newcomers immediately found a table they could sit at, completely ignoring the few customers who already were in the warm interior, and each of them ordered a drink - one a cup of tea and the other one of coffee.

 

They sat across the small table meant just for two in silence. An observer would never recognize if they were friends or enemies - maybe because none of these terms applied.

 

Malik tried to look anywhere but at the white-haired beauty opposite of him, which wasn't an easy task to accomplish - there was something drawing him to the one he knew only by name. Ryou was so secretive, so quiet...it was unnerving. Malik had been battling with himself to appear calm ever since the moment he had seen Ryou behind the railing, and he was starting to lose his self-control now. The Egyptian looked at his hands folded in his lap and wasn't the slightest bit surprised when he found out they were shaking. I guess it's only natural for me to be upset today... he thought.

 

Malik was satisfied with himself for managing to convince Ryou to remain among the living...and even more angry with himself for not being able to do anything else for the other now.

 

I wonder how much damage has been done to him. He seems to be hurting pretty much inside...maybe he's traumatized from something, that I could understand... Malik couldn't help but feel sorry for the other teen, especially when he had an inexplicable feeling they had something in common, that he might be the only one who could understand Ryou and offer him a helping hand.

 

Malik was shaken out of his musings when the waitress brought him the cup filled with dark, strong coffee. Exactly what I need, he said to himself, and carefully took a sip of the hot liquid, finally allowing himself to glance at Ryou, who was absently throwing a lump of sugar into his own drink, obviously lost in thought.

 

He's probably afraid of showing his emotions even to himself, just like I am... Malik concluded indefinitely. What's his reason for this? The Egyptian was getting almost desperate. If only he wasn't so reserved...heh, I'm the one to talk!

 

Realizing such hesitation wasn't going to get them anywhere, Malik decided to make the first - and hopefully not the last - move, but Ryou beat him to it.

 

“I still don't know why I listened to you,” he said suddenly, locking his gaze with the Egyptian, searching for something. This one sentence was exclaimed in barely a whisper, but it hit Malik like a gunshot. Not receiving any answer, Ryou continued, “Maybe you're just good with words...but what if there's another reason?”

 

Malik didn't know what to say. It seemed like Ryou was thinking aloud, or letting some parts of his uncertain assumptions slip, as if he wanted an explanation...but Malik wasn't able to find any. He wasn't even sure how he had persuaded Ryou not to jump, he had just known better than to patronize the suicidal one.

 

“You look quite collected for someone who was on the verge of killing himself less than half an hour ago,” the Egyptian stated instead. In his mind he added, I'm certainly more affected!

 

“Maybe that's because I never was really alive,” Ryou replied sternly. Malik was yet again frightened - what the other had so cynically said reminded him of himself in some way...

 

“Well, don't blame me for not helping you. I can't do anything if you don't tell me what's wrong in the first place!” Malik complained.

 

Ryou just stared at him for a few seconds, then asked, “Can't you find anything else to waste your time with, instead of me?” Was it hurt in his voice? Was it anxiety? Malik tensed. What are you saying...?

 

“No one has ever...cared about me,” Ryou stated a bit less harshly, apparently taking notice of the other's expression, but all of a sudden, he raised his voice to the point of being heard in the whole cafe. “And then you just show up, tell me to stay alive, and I obey, as if I wanted to!” A few people looked in Ryou's direction, but then busied themselves with their own matters again. Malik sighed.

 

“I said it once and I'll say it again - I don't believe you really want to die,” the Egyptian repeated himself in almost a whisper, watching Ryou with those entrancing eyes. “Don't ask me why, I just have this feeling and there's nothing I can do about it,” he finished.

 

Ryou didn't respond, and averted his suddenly timid gaze to the table, seeking refuge from further conversation in drinking his tea. He looked so fragile now...

 

Malik understood one thing, at the very least - Ryou was trying to return to the resigned condition he must have been in for a very long time, and somehow it didn't work now... But much to his surprise, it didn't work for either of them, no matter how much they tried.

 

Regardless of everything that had happened in the past afternoon, neither Ryou nor Malik said a word, they both just finished their drinks, each of them lost in his own mind. The rain outside was getting lighter each minute, until it stopped altogether, giving the people an opportunity to leave their shelters.

 

“I think I have to go,” Ryou said in a strained tone of voice that sounded as if the speaker was making himself hide all of the feelings he couldn't handle. “T-thanks for taking your time,” he stuttered in an attempt at politeness. Why do I feel so weak now? Ryou wondered while talking. Why can't I just walk away like everyone else would?

 

“I don't think you should be alone right now,” Malik stated with no pretense in his words.

 

“Your point...?” Ryou inquired, avoiding the subject as much as possible, but Malik wasn't fooled this time.

 

“Just that I don't want to see your shattered body under the bridge tomorrow for a change.” As cruel and blunt as that proclamation was, it could also be very true eventually - and the Egyptian wasn't going to take any chances, for some reason he refused to let Ryou give up on his life. Malik was pleased with the disturbed expression flashing in these sad brown eyes for a fleeting moment...before Ryou spoke up once again.

 

“I wouldn't do it tomorrow, don't worry,” the whitenette said in a quiet voice, so tormented one that it hurt the listener's ears even at such a low volume. Ryou didn't take any heed and continued, “It's my birthday today...”

 

It took Malik a while to gather his courage to say as casually as he could, with a hint of irony, “A great day to die, really.”

 

Now it was Ryou who lost his composure, but stopped before letting it show...having a strange impression Malik had noticed anyway. He shrugged it off sceptically as he said, “Well, I can't ban you from accompanying me, but I really have no idea what you're trying to prove. You wouldn't listen even if I told you to leave me alone anyway, so why should I try?”

 

“Okay,” Malik replied, relieved that he still had some time left with the other. “Just let me say one thing - I would listen to what you have to say, so don't go all accusing on me.” Getting no response, he stood up, Ryou doing the same on the other side of the table. Soon they were back on the street.

 

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*

 

Silence fell on the two yet again. It was no wonder - both Malik and Ryou had so much to ponder on that they retreated inside themselves, trying to make sense of today's unusual events.

 

Am I glad I met him? Ryou mused. He is special somehow, I admit, but still... It was clear even to Ryou himself now that he was in big denial. Malik was obviously trying to help, and not only that - he was understanding, although it was limited thanks to Ryou's silence. And he was remarkably good looking, too...Ryou shook his head lightly. No, I can't just open up to him like this...he's pretty reserved himself! I don't know a thing about him, let alone his intentions-

 

“Ryou?” The said one snapped his head up, making himself focus on the outside world.

 

“Yes?” Wait...did he just call me...

 

“Do you mind if I use your first name? It fits you better...” Malik exclaimed, looking at the other not just with interest, but also a bit pleadingly.

 

“Sure, if you'd like to...I don't really care,” Ryou retorted. That, however, was a lie. Ryou did care, very much so. What did he mean by that? And why?! He glanced at the Egyptian again, this time being careful not to be caught off guard. Malik seemed to be thinking about something as well, but Ryou didn't dare ask what about.

 

“And how old are you, anyway?” Malik asked again after a few seconds, startling Ryou not for the first time.

 

“Eighteen,” the white-haired youth replied before he could stop himself and regretting it instantly. The Egyptian smiled, apparently glad for this small act of collaboration.

 

“And you?” Ryou wanted to know before his boldness dissolved into thin air.

 

“I'll be eighteen in December,” Malik said. “Not much of a difference, don't you think?”

 

More minutes of quiet walking side by side, although Ryou was leading the way - it was his home they were headed to, after all. He could still tell Malik to stop following him, but he wasn't sure if he wanted the lavender-eyed one to.

 

I don't think he's a criminal or anything... Ryou confessed to himself. In a way, I like him - he has something in common with me - but what if...what if...

 

He didn't have time to finish this thought yet again, because he heard the Egyptian stating matter-of-factly, “You still haven't told me why you wanted to commit suicide. I don't wanna force you to, but sharing your pain might help you...”

 

“Why are you so interested?” Ryou answered with a question.

 

“I don't know, either. There's something special about you,” Malik responded truthfully. He didn't exactly know why Ryou was so attractive for him, aside from appearance. He didn't even bother with denying it - the white-haired boy was just incredible and there was no crime in admitting how beautiful-looking he was, at least. But there's much more to him than that, I'm sure. I want to know him better... I want to mean something to him... Malik mused bitterly. It was almost painful for him to be beside Ryou, yet so far away from his heart, still a stranger in his world.

 

Ryou hadn't said anything yet; he was too astounded. We're thinking practically the same of each other... How can that be? This was getting more and more intriguing, more worth the effort to hold back fears and give the other a chance. Malik is surely different from myself, he has some self-esteem...and many other things I lack, I don't even know them all...but still, we have something in common...why do I keep thinking so?! That's just foolish...

 

Then it dawned on Ryou that Malik was staring right into his own eyes...and it hurt both of them when their gazes met. For a split second, they saw what was haunting the other - some of these things or feelings were the same, some different in a way - however, before they could comprehend it all properly, their eyes were fixed somewhere else. The fleeting moment of stunned compassion was over, leaving both participants even more confused.

 

Malik was, once more, the first to break the uncomfortable silence. “Well...it might appear strange, but I want you to be alright... I'll probably never be okay myself, but you don't deserve sadness that's strong enough to make you want to die. That's all I can be sure about so far.”

 

Ryou was speechless, frozen with sheer amazement. A part of him, the one that was still in the state of forced paralysis, registered he should be angry with the Egyptian for talking as if he knew him, but the part of Ryou that was beginning to feel urged him to say something else, something far more important.

 

“Malik, what...what...” He had no idea how to form this question. There were so many things he wanted to know about the one who had seemed to be so stoic and confident at first, but just on the surface. Still, Malik trusted Ryou already, at least a little - otherwise he wouldn't have even vaguely revealed the existence of his own, apparently also serious issues. Issues...was it even the right word?

 

I don't understand this at all! This one fact was returning to Ryou's consciousness over and over again. Does he also want me to help him, or is he just faking it to get close? But still, why...?

 

“I won't throw my own problems at you,” Malik stated, convinced it would only fuel Ryou's depression. “That would only make everything worse than it already is, from what I've observed.”

 

Ryou couldn't bring himself to object aloud, but he didn't agree with what the Egyptian had just said at all. Telling someone about your pain might help you, too...it's what you want me to do, right? Am I not worth knowing? Is that it?

 

Although Ryou now understood exactly what it was like for Malik to want to help and be unable to do so, he didn't act on it and made no move to make the communication between them better. He just resumed walking towards the apartment building that had never been a real home to him, hearing the other youth's footsteps somewhere to his left.

 

What is it that draws us closer and forces us apart at the same time? Ryou wondered. They were already nearing his living place, the time of their meeting was expiring so fast... Despite Ryou's insecurity about Malik's plans, he couldn't bring himself to order the other to leave now, before the mysterious Egyptian came to know where his apartment was situated. Not even a block left...

 

Malik was currently extremely nervous, it was difficult for him to stay quiet and not interrogate Ryou more. Never knew I was this talkative, he scolded himself. Ryou surely is something... He was afraid of the moment they would have to separate, and well aware of their small chance of one more coincidental encounter. But what if this was meant to be?

 

“How far is it to where you live, Ryou?” Malik caught himself asking all of a sudden. It was too late when he realized he should have kept his silence instead of coming up with this kind of question. “Of course, if you don't want to tell me, I understand...” he added sheepishly.

 

“No, I don't think it's a good idea to tell you,” Ryou answered promptly, in a strict voice that must have eliminated Malik's already shrunken confidence. The Egyptian's facial expression was priceless. Ryou couldn't take it at all and finished his proclamation in an entirely different fashion. “...since I can show you now!”

 

As soon as Malik overcame his disappointment and got the joke, he shoot a small glare at Ryou and tilted his head upwards to find out what the house looked like. From what could be seen outside, the walls were beige with an undertone of soft yellow and the windows were quite large, with polished glass reflecting the clouds roaming the sky. Every flat was equipped with a balcony, which were all clean, some even decorated with flowers planted in pots of varying sizes. In other words, the whole building appeared to be a safe, comfortable place to live. I'm not used to this...

 

“Looks really nice,” Malik said, aiming his gaze at his quiet companion again. “Which balcony is yours?”

 

Ryou looked up, a little unsure - he had never felt any need to search for his apartment while standing down on the street, but he would do his best for the Egyptian's sake. “Well...that one,” he replied, pointing to a balcony that was most likely located on the seventh floor.

 

“Hmm...” Malik nodded with a sound of acknowledgment. I thought so. There were neither plants nor any decorations on the outside part of Ryou's apartment, just a chair and a cabinet. It was evident that Ryou didn't care about his surroundings much, either.

 

While Malik was lost in his thoughts once again, Ryou got an idea he found very irresponsible and maybe even crazy, but for some unknown reason not wrong. Without contemplation, for he knew he would decide against voicing this offer, he blurted out as formally as he could, “Would you like to pay me a short visit?”

 

As soon as these few words reached Malik's ears, he twitched, tearing his gaze from the house in front of which they were standing. “You want me to?” he almost demanded in a surprised tone. I must have heard incorrectly...

 

Ryou looked at the ground, shying away. Stupid! he yelled at himself angrily. There was only one thing he could say now, “I-if you're not interested- “

 

“Of course I am!” Malik interrupted in the most impolite way possible, but Ryou wasn't going to complain. Instead, his angelic face lit up in the first smile in...I have no clue how long!

 

“I'll find my keys, then...just a minute!” Ryou muttered hurriedly, one of his hands already searching his pocket. Where did I put-

 

“Ryou?” Malik spoke up. He was feeling horrible for the unexpectedly sad tone of his voice, and for his realization, which had caused him to talk that way. When he had so excitedly accepted Ryou's offer, he had been paying no attention to one crucial weather condition - it was getting quite dark...

 

Ryou's eyes came to contact with the Egyptian's and saw that something was not as it should be at this moment. No, not again...! The brown-eyed boy thought desperately. However, his plea was unheard.

 

“I have to go now...I'm sorry.” That was it. Malik's apology was genuine without a doubt, but

it still had enough power to shatter all the security Ryou had gained thanks to the mysterious stranger.

 

Ryou heard himself say, “It's alright,” but he was sure it wasn't. He didn't even ask why Malik had to leave so suddenly, he already had hundreds of unpleasant theories swimming in his head. One of them was the hardest to cope with. He's probably going to see his girlfriend... Ryou wasn't sure why this one thought was hurting him so much...it just was, and the pain was close to unbearable.

 

“I guess it's goodbye,” Ryou said in his usual calm voice, the one he had been practicing for long years. He didn't notice how sad Malik's eyes were right now - in fact, he wasn't looking into them purposefully. He only waited for the Egyptian's farewell.

 

“Goodbye,” Malik managed to say without letting his feelings overwhelm him - he had to keep his balance, at least this forced one. However, there was something he wanted to tell Ryou, as long as he had the opportunity. “And don't forget me.”

 

Ryou turned to the main gate of his house, unable to look at the beautiful Egyptian anymore - he was positive he would collapse. Malik could only watch the white-haired one unlocking the door and reluctantly stepping inside, time and darkness falling all around forgotten for the time being.

 

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*

 

After a quiet way upstairs, Ryou went to the balcony he had watched with Malik just a short while ago. He was pleased somehow that he could still see the tall, lean figure walking away in the dusk...but that was by no means the only feeling he had.

 

Still keeping himself in the artificial tranquility, Ryou sauntered to the bathroom where he did his evening washing routine...the same thing he did every day...and yet...

 

Ryou registered the tension in his own mind, even though he was still doing his best to block it out as he changed into his pajamas again and slumped into the bed - and this was when he lost control over himself completely, guilt attacking him first.

 

“How could I just let him go?!”

 

Tears began to well in Ryou's dark, yet innocent eyes...fell to his cheeks, staining the soft skin with the liquid form of sorrow...then dripped from his face onto the sheets... All the barriers Ryou had built up around and even inside of himself crumbled, becoming one useless heap of broken rules and restrictions, leaving his sensitive core with no protection from the searing anguish.

 

Ryou continued to shake violently as the forbidden emotions he had locked away so long ago finally escaped their imprisonment.

 

...it hurts...

 

The only comfort he had was to curl up under the blanket like he did each and every night...and he finally came to realize how insufficient it was. Ryou's silvery hair clung to the wet spots on his skin as he buried his head in the pillow, sobbing helplessly, the muffled sound echoing in the cold, darkened room.

 

Although Ryou was feeling worse than ever now that his pain and sadness assaulted him full force, he was proud of himself for being able to face it after so many years of hiding. He was truly proud of himself for the first time in his entire life.

 

T-this wasn't an ordinary day...after all...

 

Today, Ryou had made a memory he would cherish forever, keep it deep inside and never let it fade, no matter how much he would miss the one who had done so much to him in such a short time.

 

I will remember you, Malik...

 

And Ryou, who had never let any heartfelt emotion affect him before, cried himself to sleep.

 

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*