Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Intangible ❯ When It Rains, It Pours ( Chapter 10 )

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.Ten.

It was an ugly day following our mission. The skies were grey and thunder rumbled in the distance. I was buried under my bed sheets, long having grown immune to my mother's screams of disapproval. I didn't give a damn about schoolwork or facing anyone for that matter. I wanted to stay hidden forever.

But of course, when did I ever get what I want?

It was about halfway past noon when I decided to drag myself out of bed. When I looked in the mirror, I was a wreck. I had barely gotten any sleep the night before from nightmares and my arms and shoulders were decorated by a score of bruises and bumps. Thank God mom never saw me like this or else she would have gone into a temper tantrum. These were minor injuries, though. The main thing bugging me was my stomach and head. I was hungry but I really didn't care to eat because the splitting migraine I had. Insomnia was a curse and for someone like me, who usually gets his full night's rest, it was even worse.

How I managed through that day I'll never know, but I do know that somehow I had managed to crawl my way over to Kuwabara's house where I just sacked out on his couch. Oh, he was mad. In fact he was downright pissed off at me for intruding him on his "personal time." He had to study for a test or something like that; I didn't really pay much attention. It was only when he commented on Kurama did my ears perk up. And even then I felt a pain stabbing me in my stomach-guilt, the worst feeling of them all.

"Shizuru called Kurama's mom after I told her everything that happened. She made up the excuse that he was going to stay over here for a few days to help me out with a survey at school."

I praised Shizuru for her oh-so clever mind. We definitely didn't want Shiori to go into panic mode at finding out that the supposedly good friend of her son beat him to near death now would we? I couldn't even smile at my sarcasm. All I wanted was to see Kurama, apologize, maybe let him or Hiei rough me up a bit, and bury my head in the sand again.

"Do you know where he is, Urameshi?"

"Do I look like I know the places Hiei haunts?"

I was bitter and being extremely harsh. Kuwabara stared at me for a moment before shrugging. "Hey, I was just wondering; you don't need to bite my head off," he retorted with more calmness than I expected from him.

I glanced at him before placing my hands over my face. "You saw me didn't you? Or at least some of it? Did you see how…crazy I was?" I inquired. The psychic's face haunted my dreams. In them I was still a prisoner within my own mind and everyone was the victim. It was enough to make me toss and turn all night long helplessly.

"God, will you stop putting yourself down? It wasn't your fault, Yusuke! That crazy ass punk was controlling you. Even Hiei wouldn't have been able to fight him off and he has that weird third eye thing, too!"

You had to smile at Kuwabara's condolence. He was a dimwit but he always spoke straight from the heart. It warmed me up a little to have such a good friend. But blaming myself was one of the things I was best at doing. It's not a healthy habit, and I know that, but I can't stop it. And in this case, I really did feel that I deserved to take the blame.

"You want to go and look for them?"

I hadn't realized my silence during Kuwabara's speech. It was only when he looked at me sharply did I slowly take in what he said. I nearly laughed. Somehow I had managed to get Kuwabara to feel sorry for me. It was usually the other way around in our relationship. And this idea just made me grow sadder. Was I that pathetic-looking that even Kuwabara, the oblivious fool that he is, was able to notice and actually sympathize with me? I looked at him and tried to smile, but it didn't quite make it and I instead just nodded wordlessly.

"Hey, sis, we're going out!" he called out as he grabbed his jacket.

"What about that test, Kuwabara?" shouted back Shizuru. I could imagine the cross look on her face.

Kuwabara winked at me. "We're going to look for Hiei and Kurama! I think that's more important than a test, don't you think?" he replied as he dragged me out the door before Shizuru could say anything else.

As I said before it was a dark day. Nothing more could suit my mood. The smell of rain was in the air and I waited in anticipation as Kuwabara and I walked down the streets, trying to locate Hiei and Kurama's signatures. My mind was barely even on the search. I was too busy getting lost in a swirl of painful memories.

You really are useless, detective. Look how easily I controlled you. Perhaps all that strength really is just physical. But as you can see, in this situation, physical strength is not an advantage.

I narrowed my eyes and shuddered involuntarily as I dug my hands deeper into my pockets. The same voice of the controller echoed across my head, like some kind of endless taunting. I could barely stand it and just wanted to crash my head into a brick wall a thousand times to drive it away. Kuwabara had walked ahead of me, following on some small lead he received while I lagged behind. The skies had begun to flash lightning and I felt a drop on my head. I looked up and slowed my pace even further to just take in everything I saw. The grey sky, the brief strike of lighting, the rumbling thunder, the cold and stiff air, and the emptiness of the streets. I cherished these things more than anything else during this moment.

I was far from my usual cheery self as you can tell. I seldom ever got this serious and depressed about anything. But it was Kurama. A while ago, if I had done this to Keiko, I probably would have turned into this as well-this crazed, somewhat suicidal persona of Urameshi Yusuke. However, since Kurama has in a way taken the place of Keiko, I was like this now. I hated it and after a lot of recollection, I pray that I never turn into this morbid character ever again. But for that day, and the days following it, I was lost in darkness and nothing could bring me out, not even Kurama-but that's a little later.

Kuwabara had led us to Genkai's temple. I was a bit surprised at how I never assumed to look in this place since it was probably the only place in the Ningenkai where Hiei felt comfortable. It was here that I could sense Hiei's youki, and catch a faint glimmer of Kurama's as well. My heart fell at this.

It's your fault, detective.

"Stop it," I muttered angrily.

"What?" asked Kuwabara dumbly.

I shook my head and tried to gather my nerves. "Nothing," I murmured back.

Kuwabara raised an eyebrow at me and folded his arms. "Well? Are we going in, huh? We didn't walk around the town for an hour just to go back now, right?" he queried annoyingly.

I focused my eyes on the little temple before walking forward. I felt almost like I was in my dream again, but this time I was definitely in control of my body. I just felt…separated from reality. Kuwabara walked behind me a few paces back, probably since he knew this was more my visit than his. The guy can sometimes surprise you with his sharpness.

As I stepped up the stairs and entered through the doors, a warm and soothing darkness hit me. It was about this time that the sky decided to rain down on me as well. And the droplets of water just washed over my head like a tidal wave. Kuwabara was jumping behind me.

"Get in already, Urameshi! We're getting soaked!" he exclaimed disdainfully before pushing me into the temple.

I numbly stumbled on my feet before regaining my balance. I could see Hiei standing before me, eyes glowing brightly with cold wariness. My own eyes roamed the room and failed to notice any redhead besides Kuwabara behind me. Then I shifted my gaze back on Hiei when he began to talk. His words entered my brain like a slow drawl even though I knew he was speaking normally. I stared at him dumbfoundedly.

"I told you to stay away, Yusuke," he said impassively.

I couldn't respond. I only looked back at him dazedly. "Is he all right?" I asked. The words just fell out of my mouth and I realized then that this what I really cared about. Hiei's wrath may go to hell if I didn't find out about Kurama's condition.

Hiei's eyes darkened yet remained unreadable. I envied this skill of his that he perfected to such a fine point. "You nearly killed him. What do you think?" he replied coldly.

I swallowed a heavy lump in my throat. "Are you all right?" I asked. I didn't know why I questioned Hiei about his health; I knew he was fine. But I had fought against him while I was possessed and a part of me just wanted to make sure that he was okay as well. And it was only after I made this inquiry did I notice the bandages around his arms and under his tank.

Reap what you sow, detective. You caused this, now deal with the consequences.

I bit my lip as Hiei's scrutiny on me intensified. "I'm of no concern to you," he retorted.

Kuwabara bristled behind me. "Will you people just stop being so goddamn cold to each other?! We're all still friends here aren't we?! We just want to see Kurama!" he voiced out.

Hiei's eyes flew over to him for a moment. "I never said you couldn't, idiot-just Yusuke," he replied.

His words should have stung me, but I expected them. Half of me wanted to fight back, but the other half just felt like scampering away into a dark corner. That half was winning.

Coward. Weak-minded. How did you ever survive for so long?

"'Che, you do not deserve him, Yusuke."

I looked at Hiei and he bore his eyes straight into me. A glimmer of emotion flashed across his face-something that I couldn't identify. Hiei is usually never this hard to read, but for some reason I couldn't catch a single idea of what he was thinking that moment. He hid himself perfectly and that shell of his never broke. Mine had already shattered.

"I just wanted…"

Unworthy of living, that's what you are, detective. What have you done to deserve your title?

"I just…"

No wonder your friends are so impatient with you. You're hardly worth anyone's time.

"I'm sorry. You're right. I should just go."

My voice came out as a whisper and I felt the threat of tears in the corners of my eyes. I didn't want to see how Hiei or Kuwabara reacted to my words. Then a brief shuffling of feet was sounded and familiar presence washed over me. I looked up to see Kurama stand by the wall, leaning on it with his hand and staring back at me with those intense, emerald eyes of his. I couldn't stand to be under that gaze anymore.

Run away, detective. It's what you're best at isn't it?

"I'm sorry, Kurama. I won't be in your way again," I said hoarsely as I looked back at him one last time before turning around and fleeing from the temple.

I heard Kuwabara's muffled cries and the silence after him. Kurama hadn't said anything-he only looked at me with the same eyes as Hiei-distant and unreadable. I really had made the right choice in leaving then. The rain outside had escalated to a full-blown storm and I welcomed in the torrents that hit my body mercilessly. I ran and ran until I was no longer in the city, but in some quiet and empty countryside. The solitude was welcoming and I embraced it fully.

I finally lied down amidst a field of tall grass and let the water run over me. It was deafening and similar to drowning, save I could I still breathe. I closed my eyes to the lightning-streaked sky and allowed my emotions to run freely. I didn't deserve Kurama. I had known that from the start. I didn't deserve Keiko either, yet she loved me with all her heart for some reason or another. Why did I always hurt those whom I cared for? Was it a curse? Ever since Keiko and I parted ways, I knew I was destined for loneliness. I had tried to fight it, but it seems like I was wrapped up in its course again. Hiei could take much better care of Kurama than I could-hell, he already had. I was just the outsider now. Kurama had what he sought out for. I was no longer needed.

Weakling. Go away where no one has to be tainted by your filth.

I was ready to finally start listening to the voice inside my head.

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TBC

I'm so wicked. And I'm really getting fond of these cliffhangers. :D Well, the update was sooner this time round due to some sudden inspiration and lovely music. And before anyone goes and tries to kill me, yes, this is a Yusuke/Kurama fic even if this chapter may make it seem otherwise. :P

I love angst. And I love writing it on behalf of Yusuke. He's so fun to mess with, but I began to feel a bit sorry for him in this part. There's more to come, too. This story is taking on a more serious note in the next couple of parts. (Yusuke just can't stop beating himself up.)