Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Intangible ❯ Life In A Shell ( Chapter 11 )

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.Eleven.

That week was the hardest week I ever had to go through. Most of the time I spent my time indoors, sitting in my room and staring out the window. Ironically, we also had the worst weather that week. There was barely a single glimpse of sunlight during the day since autumn was approaching and everything just seemed to fuel my dark mood even more.

I believe my mom at that point began to worry. So I had decided to venture out one day to soothe her concerns. It was strange to be in the outside world again. I had confined myself in the house for three straight days and was beginning to grow very accustomed to it. Then all of the sudden I was out again. Some would say it'd be like taking in a breath of fresh air. For me it was like facing a world that had turned against me. My mind was a blank slate and I closed myself off from everyone. I didn't think much about anything. It was like being…dead. I never knew I had the capability to be so dark and empty; it scares me now to think about it.

I remember it was when I was sitting at a park bench that I received a message from Koenma. Usually I hated answering his calls because of that annoying compact case, which made me look utterly ridiculous. But that day, I couldn't have cared less about looking idiotic.

"What?" I asked bluntly into the little communicator.

Koenma's face appeared disgruntled at my rude welcoming, but he nevertheless chose to ignore it. "Yusuke, I have some news about those psychics you dealt with before," he began.

At once, my mind began to close off on everything he said. Psychics. That word brought back too many painful memories. I narrowed my eyes and stared at the tiny screen that held Koenma without actually staring at his face in particular.

Remember me? I'm not gone yet, detective.

That voice came back once again. I had begun to think that I was seriously cursed. And the funny thing was, it didn't matter to me. I didn't care if my mind was taken over. Nobody would really miss me anyway. Sure, the girls would cry and probably Kuwabara as well, but everyone else would get over it. Especially Kurama. I knew he of all people would learn to adjust without me being around. He wasn't like me in that sense. Moving on for me took a long time-and hardly seemed worth the effort most of the time.

"…residue effects lingering on your mind and-Yusuke! Are you even listening?"

"Sure thing," I replied nonchalantly, not even registering Koenma's words. I looked at him for a moment. "I have some things I need to do right now so I'm going to go, all right?" I said before ending the line. I stared at the compact case before crushing it in my hands. I didn't want anything to do with anyone. Never again.

That's the spirit, detective.

I began to walk around aimlessly for a while. I avoided all the crowded places and had even taken a nice sprint to the countryside I visited before. It was funny how I wanted to be alone, yet at the same time, I hated it. Urameshi Yusuke, alone? Quiet? Impossible. But I had managed to achieve quite a few impossibilities already in that day. I disentangled myself from my emotions and let the pain and despair take over. I hid a lot from everyone. I worried more than they could ever imagine, but because I became so adept at concealing it, they naturally assumed I was just being brash and bold. In reality, I analyzed every worse possible situation. Even though my final decisions may have appeared crazy or fueled by incompetence, they were always the results of choosing between life and death.

I hated myself for being unable to cope with my problems like a normal person. Why bury all your feelings, Yusuke? Why not face them like a man or even ask someone for help? I knew one day something would happen that would result in an overload. I just never thought it would be so soon nor be so…sad.

After that little realization, I went back home and isolated myself within my room. Mom wasn't home, so that left me with no one to nag me; I was grateful for that. So I remained sitting at my desk, head rested on folded arms, staring at the wall blankly. I hadn't eaten much at all in the past few days and sleep was pretty much the same story so it left me feeling drained and utterly exhausted. But my thoughts kept me active-active enough to berate myself even further that is. Self-awareness is such a drag sometimes.

Ain't that the truth, detective?

"You could say that again," I murmured to no one.

What would happen if I stayed permanently dead the first time I died? I sometimes wondered about the answer to that question. I would never have met Kurama and Hiei that's for sure. Keiko would be heartbroken, but I knew she would be able to pick up the pieces and move on. Kuwabara…well…at that point we weren't even that close so I'm pretty sure he would have been fine. Mom might have been a different case, though. My death was a huge wakeup call for her. Hell, it was a huge wakeup call for me.

The first death. Why did you ever come back? Everything would have been better if you stayed dead. Instead, you cause all this pain and suffering for your friends. You know what I mean.

"I have caused a lot of pain," I whispered. Every important mission we had taken on required risks. I can count all the times I've managed to screw up and cause everyone a whole lot of hell. I was never fit to be a leader. That was more so Kurama's role. I was just someone with a loud mouth.

"Isolation from oneself. Isolation from everyone else. This is my solution."

These were words I never thought I would say. But when I said them, they felt so good. Yes, this was my answer. This was the only way I could keep from hurting anyone else-and myself. I would remain cold and distant. Nothing could touch me. No one could touch me. I wouldn't have to be blaming myself all the time now. I shivered involuntarily at the thought. It sounded too good to be true.

My, my, I think you've got it, detective.

I closed my eyes and buried my face in my arms. A slow smile made its way onto my face. I remember thinking to myself if this was right-to become numb to everything. But then I remembered Hiei's words.

"I really don't deserve him. I've caused everyone so much pain. What could I hope to deserve?"

So I allowed myself to stop caring. Stop caring about mom, stop caring about Keiko, stop caring about everyone-especially Kurama. All at once a sort of comforting coldness washed over me, and I embraced it with open arms.

That a boy, detective. Bury yourself until you are no more. No one cares. You don't care.

"Yusuke!"

I barely turned my head and saw Botan floating outside my window on her oar. I stared at her for a while as she threw me a frantic look. I stood up slowly and opened the window to let her in. She immediately pounced on top of me.

"Come on, Yusuke! We've been trying to find you for hours! I would never have thought you to be spending your day at home. There's something you need to know. Koenma's gathered the others at Genkai's temple so let's go now!"

She dragged me onto her oar and didn't even wait for me to respond as we flew off. I wasn't even remotely interested in what Koenma had to say. Not caring was so much easier than anything else I had ever done. When Genkai's temple flashed into view, I stared at it dully. Flashes of my encounter with Hiei flew across my mind, but I didn't allow it to get the best of me. I remained unfeeling. They were merely memories now.

So the man can be taught.

Koenma looked less than pleased when we arrived. "Yusuke, how dare you just end our conversation so abruptly like that?" he inquired sharply in his teenage form.

"Sorry," I said numbly.

He looked about ready to speak when he stopped and looked at me incredulously. "Wait…" he began, eyeing me carefully. He then sighed deeply. "It's begun," he muttered quietly.

I only tilted my head to the side. I then noticed that everyone else was staring at me intensely. Kuwabara, Hiei, and Kurama. Botan looked torn. Genkai was watching me with her emotionless eyes as usual, and I didn't even try to read her mind. Finally, I blinked slowly and looked back at Koenma.

"What?" I asked.

Koenma frowned and crossed his arms. "This is most troublesome. Yusuke, the psychic that controlled you, his powers left a lingering effect on your mind. A part of him is still imprinted in your mind and it will probably try to take over you-dominate your personality as I should say," he said slowly.

Seemingly dangerous words, yet they made no impact on me. I blinked once and placed a hand on my hip casually. "Okay," I replied calmly. "So what do we do?"

Just then I heard someone move behind me. I turned around and saw Kuwabara baring his fist at me. "Dammit, Urameshi, don't you care?" he asked harshly. "Just before you were all whiny about how you hated being controlled and now you're all cool about it? What's wrong with you?"

"I'm still me," I retorted indifferently.

Kuwabara grabbed me by the collar forcefully. "No, you're not! I can feel him! He's in your mind and he's taking control!" he exclaimed.

"Like I said before, what do we do about it?"

Kuwabara looked ready to pummel me to the ground before he let go of me and shook his head. He then raised a finger at Koenma accusingly. "You! We have to bring back Urameshi," he directed.

Koenma narrowed his eyes. I watched this exchange for several moments.

"Wouldn't Yusuke know if his mind is being taken over?" interjected a new voice-one that still managed to ring a chord inside me.

"He's becoming influenced, Kurama. He's already lost to us," answered Koenma darkly.

I looked at Koenma before I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Kurama staring back into my eyes searchingly. I didn't know what he was looking for and only held a leveled gaze with him. A flash of emotion crossed his face and I briefly wondered what it was before smiting down the feeling. Kurama stepped away from me slowly, eyes shielded.

"There must be a way for us to reach him, Koenma," he said quietly.

"I contacted the psychic, but he said there was nothing we could do. This is something Yusuke has to defeat on his own," replied Koenma.

"Can I go now?" I interrupted.

Both Kurama and Koenma stared at me.

"Idiot, don't be so brash. We're discussing your well-being and the least you can do is stay and listen without complaint," chastised Genkai, looking at me with that infamous glare of hers.

For a second, I felt a brief flash of emotion run through me. "Brash. Yeah, that's me," I murmured before quickly burying my feelings. Dammit. I was supposed to not care anymore.

Patience, detective. It doesn't come so easy, you know. But I can assure you, it'll be worth it in the end.

I steeled myself and looked hard at Koenma. "Call me when you find something," I said before slowly walking away.

At once I felt a hand wrap itself around my wrist, stopping me in my pace. I froze momentarily before turning sideways. Kurama shot me a pleading look. I almost lost my composure again as I studied his eyes, so warm and compassionate-yet when the time was called for, brutal and cold. I wrenched my hand out of his grip.

"See you later," I called out faintly as I walked away.

With my guidance, you will soon experience a world of no pain.

"Show me the way."

I was talking to myself like some kind of crazy man. I should have realized then that there was something seriously wrong with me, but I didn't. Like Koenma said, my mind was being poisoned by the lingering power of the psychic and I was completely oblivious to it. Perhaps, had I been in a better state of mind-had I not felt so guilty about hurting Kurama during the mission-I would have been able to fight it off. But the combination of my guilt, pain, and sorrow proved to be my ultimate downfall. When Urameshi falls, he falls.

I was about halfway to my house when I detected another presence behind me. I didn't even have to look to know who it was. I stopped in my walk abruptly and whirled around.

"I thought you were taking care of Kurama," I said emotionlessly.

Hiei stared at me with that usual blasé attitude of his. But there was definitely something amiss in his eyes-as if he was searching for something that wasn't there. I raised an eyebrow slowly.

"He doesn't need my help anymore; he's strong enough on his own."

A sudden impulse took over me and I felt the presence in my mind make itself known more than ever.

Look at the one before you. Is he not the reason why you were in so much pain? Kill him. Be rid of this nuisance. He admonishes you condescendingly day by day. Is he really a friend?

For a second, I felt a streak of emotion run through me. Hadn't Hiei proved himself to me on more than one occasion already that he was a loyal friend? Hiei remained nonchalant and arrogant because that was a part of his nature. It was ingrained in him and no one could change him-and no one wanted to. Why should I have been so mad?

Idiot. Friends will simply bring you down. You will experience the same kind of pain over and over again. And you will also be the one orchestrating that pain. To estrange yourself from them first is the best way to keep from getting hurt.

And just when I almost fell prey to those words, I stopped. I looked at Hiei again and saw him staring at me intensely. I felt naked under that gaze. Why, I didn't understand. It was only when I spotted that violet iris in the middle of his forehead did I realize the reason for my discomfort.

He's trying to invade your mind. I can only hold him off for so long. You must fight back now!

I blinked several times and moved forward slowly, raising my index finger at Hiei. His eyes widened as I targeted him.

"Back off, Hiei," I warned.

"Are you so weak that you would allow some foreigner take over your mind?" he retorted bitingly.

I felt anger rise within me at the comment. But then I slowly began to understand his words and tone. He was concerned. Hiei, the almighty youkai feared throughout the Makai, was worried about me.

Laughable, isn't it? Amazing how these people can switch sides so quickly. First, they berate you, and then they try to help you. It's already too late for that, though, right, detective?

"Right," I murmured. I began charging up the Rei-Gun until it glowed an eerie cold blue. I aimed it squarely at Hiei's forehead. "Let's get rid of the nuisance," I said quietly before firing.

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TBC

La, la, la… Cliffies are gooooood and oh-so fun. ^_^