| "For the Love of the Game" Reviews/Comments [ 19 ] |
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Title: yo
Reviewed By: Pink Raine [MediaMiner Member] On: April 10, 2007 11:56 CDT
Comment/Review:
hey it's pretty good so far. i like the pace of it. one thing though. please don't make it so hikaru spends his drunk nights having sex with waya and isumi. that would just kill it. although i can see you making it like that. authors seem to love doing that.
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Title: So Delicious!
Reviewed By: anessa On: August 13, 2006 16:25 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Yup! I lurve it! so much, I still can't beleive the fourth chappie isn't finished yet! Damn! I really LOVE this fic, the writing style is great, so is the plot, what more could you ask for?_? please update soon ^_^e-mail to reply or not. [anessavanella@aim.com]
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Title: MeLaiya
Reviewed By: MeLaiya [MediaMiner Member] On: June 10, 2006 16:30 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I so loved this, you have got to update and I really do mean soon.
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Reviewed By: yugyam5 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 09, 2006 10:16 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I really like it. I do hope that you will continue to write in such a good way. Keep up the excellent work!!!
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Reviewed By: Anaki Of The Blood Wolves [MediaMiner Member] On: January 15, 2006 16:11 CST
Comment/Review:
I couldn't stop reading this for even a second, it's so well written and I love it, update soon, can't wait for the next chappie!
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Reviewed By: TsukiyomiX [MediaMiner Member] On: October 26, 2005 15:27 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Nice fanfic. Its really really good. I think it is very interesting and I hope you update soon!
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Title: FFRG Review Chapter 3 (Part 2)
Reviewed By: LadyLark [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2005 09:54 CDT
Comment/Review:
These are the good things that I noticed. Because rereading what I wrote, it sounds like I am being overly harsh. I really think you have a great story here. Your grammar and spelling are very well done, which is why I can notice other more subtle things. I like how you slowly lead up to a relationship between character and don't feel the need to throw them in bed together just cause you can. I love your characterization. These are some of the best future characters that I have seen portrayed in fanfiction. You do need to work a little on background and slipping it into the story so that the reader doesn't feel confused. And as I have mentioned a couple of times, your opening descriptions need work. Once you get moving the descriptions tighten up and fit in better but it seems like when you start writing, that you are getting warmed up for the first paragraphs or so. I am looking forward to reading more of your works. And thank you for submitting to FFRG. Again if you have any questions or comments you can contact me.
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Title: FFRG Review Chapter 3 (part 1)
Reviewed By: LadyLark [MediaMiner Member] On: July 28, 2005 09:48 CDT
Comment/Review:
Interesting chapter. Like the last chapter, I noticed it got stronger as the chapter progressed. The opening paragraphs seemed bulky and overly awkward. This is really noticible in the sentence about the alarm clock. I would consider rewording things a little, maybe even changing the set up so that it opens with an action as opposed to a description. You do a very good job of expressing characterization with dialogue and once you get moving your descriptions flow better. Halo is correct that you should spell out numbers under 100 in text. There were five instances of this in this chapter, if you wanted to know. Secondly, you may or may not want to consider your use of Japanese in the story. You don't use it very often so when you do it stands out. The honorifics are fine, but it is something you may want to look at. Shindou was very in character this chapter as was Touya (well until he got drunk). Waya seemed a little off this time. It may be his uncofortableness with Touya or it may be the topics of conversation but something felt not quite right. I loved your overly annoying girl. Her blatantly subtle attempts at trying to interest Shindou were amusing. I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. One minor thing, I thought that Long Island Ice Teas only had 5 liqours in them (Gin, Rum, Vodka, Triple Sec, & Tequila) and Sour mix with a splash of Pepsi. Not a big thing, but something the drunk in me noticed.
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Title: FFARG Review Ch 2
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: July 23, 2005 18:37 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting this piece to FFARG. Your chapter was an enjoyable read and flowed quite well. I enjoyed how you explored the feelings of Hikaru and Akira as well as Waya and Isumi. The change from the formal to the familiar was handled beautifully and I liked how you showed Hikaru's unease at finally being allowed to call Akira by his first name. You show the change in their relationship wonderfully through this. And while you do have a beautifully written chapter there were a few things that caught my eye in this chapter that Lark did not touch upon. When you mention the "5 minutes" deal it's best to use the alphebetical version of the number when writing prose. Also, I noticed you tend to jump between refering to a character by their last name and their first name. It's best to decide on how you're going to call a character in a story and stick with it through the entire story. Finally, I wondered throughout this chapter if Akira and Hikaru lived in the same building or not considering the large difference in furnishings each one had. All in all you have a wonderful chapter that helps to build things for your overall plot beautifully. I enjoyed reading the banter between characters and the look into their home lives and thoughts and feelings about one another. You did a great job with this piece. Once again thank you for submitting to FFARG.
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Reviewed By: Bombayoni [MediaMiner Member] On: July 21, 2005 18:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
Why did Waya give Akira alcohol? Didn't he guess that he doesn't drink and has no tolerance? Oh well. I hope you continue this soon because i'd like to see how Waya dies.
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Reviewed By: currysiek On: July 20, 2005 12:41 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
awww, sweetie, it's really a good fic! i couldn't stop reading it! it's original and amusing. i can't wait to read more!
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Title: AHHH!!
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: July 20, 2005 09:53 CDT
Comment/Review:
"For the Love of the Game" has been an awesome, awesome read. I said this in my other review: I don't know anything about this series really, so I was taken aback when Hikaru and Touya carved for themselves a deep niche within my heart! Your characterizations are deeply endearing. There are, however, a few grammar flaws such as missing commas. Commas are required for direct address, and they should also be used with coordinate conjunctions (like this sentence ^_^). They might also make this story clearer, because you can use them to separate the principle clause from subordinate clauses. If you want a beta-reader, I'm offering right here. ^_^
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Title: YAY!
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: July 20, 2005 09:36 CDT
Comment/Review:
Despite some grammar errors, this was actually a really entertaining story! I only know the vaguest about this series, but enjoyed and could follow along with "For the Love of the Game" easily enough. One of the things I noticed along with the grammar was that some points were confusing. There was this one example in the beginning of the first chapter where it reads something like: "Touya was still ahead. He couldn't seem to catch up." That pronoun "HE" could have gone either way, either Touya or Hikaru. By improving the grammar and clarifying the writing, this story would be even better! All my best wishes to you!
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Title: FFRG review -- Chapter 2 part 2
Reviewed By: LadyLark [MediaMiner Member] On: July 13, 2005 10:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
I think the change to first names was done just right -- they are hesitant and not used to it so are going to slip up and stumble. I liked that you used that. Overall this is still a well written chapter, no grammar errors to yank me out of the story. I think that your first chapter was stronger, but I think that to some degree you are still laying groundwork with this one and groundwork chapters are always hard to write -- the balance between furthering plot and setting the scene so that plot can happen later is a delicate one. I think that a little more backstory could be useful. We've not seen these characters in several years so mentioning some of the changes in either exposition or dialogue is good. Even if it only mentioning in passing, things like "I can't believe that she got married right out of High School!" in regards to Akari. You've done well making Waya/Isumi sound established so I don't think you have to work on that. As I said earlier, This is a very good story. If you have any questions about what I am talking about, you are more than welcome to contact me and I would be happy to elaborate. I love your dialogue, it flows so well and feels natural. This is a great story, but this chapter needs a little polishing to really shine! Sorry for the delay -- if you wish to submit the next chapter go ahead (as a head of FFRG I can allow that).
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Title: FFRG Review Chapter 2
Reviewed By: LadyLark [MediaMiner Member] On: July 13, 2005 10:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
This is still an excellent story. However your opening is a little weak until you get to the the Touya/Shindo match. I understand that you want to show the difference in living arrangements between the two - but I couldn't help but thinking that Touya (even with his winning record) wouldn't make enough to afford what all of the items you described. Also the opening was a little slow. I think you can acheive the same things you want in the decription with dialogue and a short lead-in letting the reader know that they are up for a Go game. The Touya/Shindou discussion was excellent, I could hear the characters speaking which is why the opening paragraphs stood out so much. Moving on...Nice segueway from the go game to the dinner. I liked the establishment of unwritten rules since it is something that does happen. Your Isumi makes a bunch of good points and I like your Waya's cluelessness. It fits. The stuff/letter with Akari seems a little sudden and a bit too neat. A little lead up to it I think would help. Also Akari seems really young to be married and expecting -- maybe a little more info about that as well. I know that this story is not about her, but the letter came a little out of nowhere and had a very strong feeling of "wrapping up loose ends so that I can pair up people" it seemed too conveinent...I'm not sure I am saying that right. But with the whole friendship scene, it really felt that way. You handled Touya's nervousness about Waya's words well.
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