Bubblegum Crisis Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The New Celebrity Jeopardy ❯ Night 3: Priss, Ryoko, and Eric Cartman ( Chapter 3 )

DISCLAIMER: In the first chapter.

(Music starts, Alex Trebek goes to his podium-looking very unhappy.)

ALEX: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we continue I'd like to sincerely apologize for Mr. Eric Cartman's comments about "the blackies."

CARTMAN: Well, Mr. Trebek I was merely stating a fact that…

ALEX: Mr. Cartman, please restrain yourself. Now let's look at the scores. Eric Cartman of TV's "South Park" is tied with returning player Priss, both at zero. I guess that's pretty fitting, since you both seem to be made for each other.

PRISS AND CARTMAN: Shut the f*** up, Trebek!

ALEX: I rest my case. Also returning is Tenchi Muyo's Ryoko, in the lead with $7. How she got such an odd number is anyone's guess.

RYOKO: Oh, I've got my ways cutie-pie. (giggles and blows Alex a kiss)

ALEX: (sweating) Well then,…uh, let's have a look at the categories. And they are:

*Potent Potables

*Greece

*Famous Ted Turners

*Game Shows

*The Theater-that means plays.

*Is this a hat?

*Latin America

and finally

*European Socialism

uh, I think we need to change that to

*Zoos.

Good luck to all of you. Mr. Cartman, the board is yours and please, please try to refrain from uttering any racial slurs this time.

CARTMAN: Ok asshole, I'll take Greece for 800.

ALEX: And the answer is: In ancient times, this famous leader of Greece is credited to its modern day position of prominence.

(buzz)

ALEX: (surprised) Mr. Cartman?

CARTMAN: Who is John Travolta.

ALEX: … No.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Priss.

PRISS: The kid's right, dumbass!

ALEX: No, he's not.

CARTMAN: Yes I am! I know for a fact that John Travolta played the lead guy in the movie! And because of that, Greece is the most popular goddamned play in the entire f***ing world!

ALEX: … You're thinking of "Grease," the musical. That's something completely different. This is Greece the country.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko.

RYOKO: Who is Emperor Azusa!

ALEX: No. The correct answer is Pericles. Pericles led the rise of Greece-the country, not "Grease" the play. That would be under theater. Mr. Cartman, the board is still yours.

CARTMAN: I'll take Latin America for 400.

ALEX: You're sure?

CARTMAN: Of course I'm sure you f***ing dumbass mustachioed fag!

ALEX: And I thought dealing with Ms. Priss was painful.

PRISS: I heard that Trebek! F*** you!

ALEX: Whatever! Latin America for 400. And the answer is: This Communist dictator has ruled Cuba since 1959.

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Cartman?

CARTMAN: Yeah, I got a question. Are we talking about Cuba the musical or Cuba the country?

ALEX:…Cuba the country.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko.

RYOKO: Who is Kagato.

ALEX:…No, Ms. Ryoko. I wasn't aware that your arch-nemesis was a Communist.

RYOKO: What's a Communist?

ALEX: (sighs) Someone else, please.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Priss?

PRISS: Uh, isn't he the guy who's got a dozen different motorcycles?

ALEX: No, and I'd like to let you know that because of you I absolutely hate motorcycles now.

PRISS: Kiss my ass, Trebek.

ALEX: Time's up. The correct answer was Fidel Castro. Mr. Cartman, the…what are doing with that guitar?

CARTMAN: (signing and playing guitar) I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs, without Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame!

ALEX:… Whatever you say, Mr. Cartman. I'll give the board to Ms. Ryoko.

RYOKO: Ooo, thank you Alex! I'll take Famous Ted Turners for 500.

ALEX: And the answer is: This Ted Turner is the founder and owner of a multibillion dollar media empire. He also owns the Atlanta Braves. He gave the UN a very fat check about a year ago. Ms. Ryoko, three of the shows you star in air on one of his cable TV stations, so you should know this. His first name is Ted. His last name is Turner. His full name is Ted Turner. So somebody please say Ted Turner.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko.

RYOKO: Who is Rupert Murdoch.

ALEX: No it is not Rupert Murdoch! Are you a complete idiot?

(Ryoko scowls with fury. She then disappears then reappears in front of Alex's podium. In a flash she raises her fist and brings it down on-through-Alex's podium, splitting it in half, then grabs Alex by the collar and brings him up to her face.)

RYOKO: (menacingly) Come again, Alex? I think you need to change your attitude, pal! Otherwise, I'll make sure you fit evenly with both sides of your podium!

CARTMAN: Man, somebody's got a bad case of PMS!

PRISS: Keep that up and you'll find out she's not the only one, you f***ing little fat bastard!

CARTMAN: Hey! I'm not fat! I'm just big boned!

(Ryoko teleports back to her podium-and again looks cheerful and sweet as a bird.)

ALEX: (Extremely shaken up) Ok, then…uh, why don't we go to Final Jeopardy. For Final Jeopardy, why don't we have you put down a letter, any letter.

(Music starts. All write quickly and put pens away just as music ends.)

ALEX: And times up (shoots glance at Ryoko)…unless of course you need more time, Ms. Ryoko, …eh heh.

RYOKO: Oh I'm perfectly fine, Alex. Thank you-ya jerk!

ALEX: Alright then, let's take a look at some of your answers. Ms. Priss wrote: (screen shows a picture of a hand giving the finger)…I don't think that's a letter. And your wager was: "In case you didn't notice, this is for you Trebek!" Ms. Priss, I don't have anything to say to you that hasn't been said before.

PRISS: Trebek, you're a real, serious, big-time f***ing…

ALEX: Asshole. Yes, I know. Now moving onto Mr. Cartman, who seems to be munching on something, he put down: nothing. And he wagered: nothing.

CARTMAN: Huh? What the hell's going on? I got distracted eating these Cheesy Poofs. Is this game over yet?

ALEX: Yes, Mr. Cartman, and you lost.

CARTMAN: Goddamnit!

ALEX: And finally Ms. Ryoko, she answered: "D." Very good, Ms. Ryoko. And you're wager was: "For Death, if you don't watch it Trebek!"

(Ryoko ignites her beam saber and growls)

ALEX: Well, that about wraps it up for Celebrity Jeopardy, and once again I've managed to become blood enemies with one of the contestants. Good night everyone!