Bubblegum Crisis Fan Fiction / Gundam Wing Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction ❯ The New Celebrity Jeopardy ❯ Night 2: Priss, Ryoko, and Ace Ventura ( Chapter 2 )

DISCLAIMER: In first chapter.

(Music starts, lights go up and Alex Trebek goes to his podium, looking extremely unhappy.)

ALEX: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Again I'm going to strongly suggest you viewers at home change the channel, but before you do that let's look at the scores. Our returning champion Priss, from Bubblegum Crisis, hasn't been so lucky this time, with a bottom score of negative $9000.

PRISS: F*** you Trebek! F*** you! I'll kill you, you shithead!

ALEX: Ms. Priss if you could please refrain from using vulgar language. It's not my fault that you're a complete idiot. In the lead is Tenchi Muyo star Ryoko, with zero, which is the result of not even attempting to answer any of the questions.

RYOKO: I have to do anything to win, Alex, because I'll do anything to impress my dear Tenchi!

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko, you're supposed to be playing for charity.

RYOKO: And that is my charity, Alex. Winning Tenchi's heart! Ahhhhh….

ALEX: Okay… And in second place with negative $2000 is Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

ACE: Spank you, Alex, spank you. It may seem like I'm in deep shit, but this is only the beginning. If I can track down a stolen bottlenose dolphin with ease I'm sure your little game is a cakewalk.

ALEX: It's interesting, Mr. Ventura, that you can find a stolen dolphin but you can't name the President on the one-dollar bill.

ACE: So I got mixed up with the guy on the twenty-dollar bill, John F. Kennedy.

ALEX: Better luck to all of you in the next round. Let's have a look at the categories. And they are:

*Potent Potables

*Japanese Animation

*Associates

*Puppies

*Colors that end in -reen

*The Number 2

*World Geography

and finally

*Household Appliances

Those are the categories, please note that motorcycles is not a category. Understand everyone, Ms. Priss, motorcycles is not a category.

PRISS: Son of a bitch.

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko, the board is yours, so please pick a category.

RYOKO: Mmmmm…

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko?

RYOKO: (dreamily) Ahhh…Tenchi, Tenchi, my dearest Tenchi. When I win all this money we can finally be together.

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko!

RYOKO: What?

ALEX: You were supposed to pick a category but you were too busy drooling all over yourself.

RYOKO: What do you care?

ALEX:… Alright then, Mr. Ventura you're in second place so you pick a category.

ACE: Perky! I'll take Ass-o-nitis for 400.

ALEX:… That's Associates, Mr. Ventura. Associates for 400, and the answer is: This ABC show features several associates involved in the practice of law.

(Priss and Ace draw blank stares, Ryoko stares dreamily into space.)

ALEX: This ABC show features several associates involved in the practice of Law. The practice of law.

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Ventura?

ACE: What is "My Wife and Kids."

ALEX: No.

(buzz, buzz, buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko, you only need to press the buzzer once…Ms. Ryoko?

RYOKO: (startled and slightly angry) Yeah? Whaddaya want?

ALEX:… You rang in-several times, as a matter of fact.

RYOKO: I did? Oh, I guess I did. Well, it was probably because I was daydreaming about me and Tenchi, and how as soon as I got him away from that god-awful Princess, one of the first things I'd do is grab his…

ALEX: I think we've all heard enough, Ms. Ryoko. You have an extremely disturbing mind.

PRISS: Oh don't give us that shit, Trebek! We all know what a pervert you are!

ALEX: What are you talking about?

PRISS: Oh, you know.

ALEX:… No, I don't.

ACE: Oh, yes, I believe you do Trebekkie!

ALEX: Whatever. The answer was "The Practice." Mr. Ventura, the board is still yours, so pick another one.

ACE: Super! I'll take The Number 2 for 500.

ALEX: Ok, The Number 2. Now in this category, all the answers are related to the number 2, so whenever I read the answer just say the number 2. Understand?

(All except Ryoko nod)

Well, Ms. Ryoko doesn't seem to, since she's apparently off in la-la land, but no matter. The Number 2 for 500. And the answer is: This is the number of eyes you have.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Priss.

PRISS: So you're seriously telling me the assholes who produce the thing didn't make any categories for motorcycles?

ALEX: No Ms. Priss! Someone else, please.

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Ventura.

ACE: What is the number 8.

ALEX:…No. And Ms. Ryoko obviously isn't going to try to answer this one, so the correct answer is two. You have two eyes, Mr. Ventura.

ACE: You're sure?

ALEX: I'm positive Mr. Ventura. Only spiders have eight eyes.

ACE: How do you know that I don't?

ALEX: I'm sure that you don't, Mr. Ventura. As much as I hate it I think we have to give control of the board to Ms. Priss.

PRISS: Glad you came to your senses asshole! I'll take motorcycles for 300.

(Alex's face falls, pulls out a canteen of liquor and swishes some down)

ALEX: Let's just go with World Geography for 300. And the answer is: The country of South Africa is located on this continent.

(buzz)

ALEX: Yes Ms. Priss?

PRISS: What is Indonesia.

ALEX: No.

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. …Ventura's butt.

(Ace has moved into his famous "talking butt" position.)

ACE: How can you say I don't have eight eyes, Alex, when I'm able to talk to you like this?

ALEX: Well, Mr. Ventura, it's a complicated process called making a jackass out of yourself. Do you have an answer or don't you, Mr. Ventura?

ACE: (singing) Ass-hole no meno, o sana mea…

ALEX: Time's up. The answer was Africa. South Africa is located in Africa. And unfortunately that means the board still belongs to Ms. Priss.

ACE: (out of his "talking butt" position and speaking to Priss) Hey, go with Ass-o-nitis! It's a fabulous category.

ALEX: That's Associates, Mr. Ventura. Besides, under the rules Ms. Priss is supposed to choose the category. Of course, considering her previous choices, I think we should go with Japanese Animation. Ms. Ryoko, if you're done with your perverted fantasies you'll want to pay attention to this.

RYOKO: Oh, don't worry cutie-pie I'm done…for now. (smiles sadistically)

ALEX: Okay…that was frightening. Anyway, Japanese Animation for 400. And the answer is: In the series "Dragonball," "Dragonball Z" and "Dragonball GT," these seven objects would summon the eternal dragon.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Priss?

PRISS: What is a wireless cell phone.

ALEX: No.

(buzz)

ALEX: Ms. Ryoko, finally answering?

RYOKO: Yes! What are my wonderful, brave Tenchi's Light-Hawk Wings!

ALEX: No, Ms. Ryoko. Wrong series.

(buzz)

ALEX: Mr. Ventura?

ACE: Shhh! Not now Alex! I'm trying to make the mating call of the Norwegian Black Hornet. There's a $60,000 reward for it!

ALEX: You do that, Mr. Ventura. The correct answer was the Dragonballs. Ms. Ryoko, the board is yours.

RYOKO: I'll take Japanese Animation for 600.

ALEX: And the answer is: This multiversed Anime franchise mainly revolves around a teenage boy and the six alien women that live with him.

(Ace continues to buzz to call for the hornet, and none answer. Priss and Alex begin to stare at Ryoko as she just stands there.)

ALEX: It mainly revolves around a teenage boy and the six alien women that live with him. Ms. Ryoko, I strongly suggest that you try to answer this one.

RYOKO: I don't know! What is Pokemon.

ALEX: …Ok, I think that means it's time for Final Jeopardy. The category is…(reads card) here let's make it easy for you. Put down a TV show, any TV show.

(Music begins. Priss and Ryoko busily write away while Ace continues to use his buzzer to call the hornet.)

ALEX: And time's up. Let's see what you put down. Ms. Priss wrote: "Trebek sucks," and you wagered: "Burn in hell you f***er!" Why am I not surprised by this? Now let's see what Ms. Ryoko put down. She answered: "I love Tenchi," and she wagered: (her screen shows a picture of her and Tenchi engaged in… an adult activity) Now, that is simply uncalled for!

RYOKO: Hey, don't freak out about it Alex! Besides, everyone knows you do the same thing with men!

ALEX: (turning red) I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that. And Mr. Ventura is still trying to catch the Norwegian Black Hornet and…

ACE: No need to, Alex. I found it. Here she comes…oh God she's gonna dive bomb us! Hit the decks!

(All duck as a fairly large hornet swoops down and starts to buzz around, then begins to circle Ace.)

ACE: (getting up) Aaaaaahhhh!!! (starts running around waving his arms) It's in my hair! It's in my hair!

ALEX: That concludes Celebrity Jeopardy. Now, somebody grab a can of Raid and help Mr. Ventura. Good night!