Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040 Fan Fiction / Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction / Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Clash of the Playboys! ❯ The... Uh... Story! ( One-Shot )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

DISCLAIMER: Hoo boy, here we go... I DO NOT own Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040, Martian Successor Nadesico, Legend of Zelda, Pokemon, Dragon Ball Z, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Cowboy Bebop, Hamtaro, Sorcerer Hunters, Sailor Moon, Trigun, Fushigi Yûgi, "Can't Buy Me Love" by the Beatles, and pretty much everything else in this crazy messed-up fan fic! WHEW!

PART ONE: THE MANLY MATCH IN MANGATOWN!

A terrifying growl shot through the air as the mass of steel and blood raised its head, gnashing its terrible teeth. The Boomers had all fused together now, blocking the entranceway to the building and trapping them inside.
Leon gritted his teeth. It looked bad... The odds were against them... But Leon McNichol liked it that way. The tan-skinned, black-eyed man with the dark gray buzz-cut hair cocked his gun, and fired two shots into the metallic mass, causing it to screech like a raging bull that's just been used to make Rocky Mountain oysters. (Ooh... graphic.)
"Ooh... What are we gonna do?" wailed Nene Romanova, clasping her hands together anxiously. "The Boomers are completely blocking the doorway!"
His angry-set face like a slab of stone, AD Police Chief Nicholas Roland snarled, and pointed back the way they came. "Come on! We're gonna have to find another way out!"
Priss Asagiri lead the way, as the group raced back. She gasped, seeing the solid wall of mechanical monsters approaching rapidly behind them... "Let's get moving, everyone! You better stay behind me, cause I ain't stoppin'!"
Leon pulled out his trusty gun and fired three shots. The bullets were absorbed into the wall like water into a roll of paper towels. The Boomers were getting closer... Suddenly...
"It's a dead-end!" shrieked Director Yano, spinning around.
This was it! The Boomers raised into the air, shooting out tentacles to devour their human prey, when all of a sudden...

"CUT!"
A bell rang across the set, and all of the actors took a deep breath. What had before been a massive wall of monstrous Boomers slumped down into a pile of rubber and animatronics. Lights clicked on all over, and Mickey the sound effects guy set down his paperback copy of Imitating Horrible Monster Calls For Fun And Profit, and chugged down an entire bottle of Vicks sore-throat spray.
Everyone in Studio 5 began clapping wildly, and the actors took a bow.
"Great job everyone! That's enough for today... We'll wrap it up tomorrow, and do the scene where Sylia hijacks a helicopter!" the director shouted, clapping his hands. "THAT'LL be fun!"
"Towel!" Leon grunted, as a towel boy ran up to him, gasping for breath.
"You did a wonderful job today, Mr. McNichol!" the boy (who mysteriously resembled Ash Ketchum of Pokemon fame) said, smiling beatifically.
"Thanks, Ash." Leon replied cheerfully. "So, when are you getting to work again on Pokemon: The Movie Five... Thousand?"
"Ah, we're shooting again in two weeks." Ash said impatiently, waving his hands. "But I needed some money before then... Brock said if I skipped out on rent again, he was just going to just throw a fit!"
"Too bad... Well, good luck." Leon nodded, taking a paper cup full of coffee off of a tray.
"See ya, Leon!" Ash waved, racing off to Priss, who HATED having to wait for her towel.

Yep... That's right, Anime-Fans! I hate to break it to you but all of your favorite shows and series, movies and OVAs, are none other but 100%, genuine FICTION! I know it's hard, but you're just going to have to get over it... There, there now, you're just going to have to believe it until this story is over. There never was a Moon Kingdom, nor will there ever be Gundams or Aestivalis... The world never will fall into such disarray that only a team of children and their digital monsters can save it... And those adorable Ham-Hams that we love with all our hearts and souls are paid $5000 an hour to have their big adventures.
The Anime Industry is a big business in Mangatown, where this little story takes place... Oh, don't tell me you've never heard of Mangatown! It's two miles due east of Toontown, just south of the Digital World.
Well anyway, let me tell you a little about this quaint little community... The whole town is illustrated in colorful, Japanese style, as would be expected. And everyone in town either speaks with their mouths not in sync with their words, or in Japanese with colorful and useful subtitles appearing down below them.
Mangatown is a place where the human body can be stretched, shrunken, mutated, or in other words, "super-deformed" at anytime. It's a place where no matter how high the cliff is that you jump off of, you'll always land on your feet. And it's the place where no group of friends or coworkers is complete without a cute, cuddly mascot.
As I said before, Anime is a big industry in Mangatown. Countless numbers of characters from series new and old, good and bad live there, acting out the story lines for the series in front of the rolling cameras. Not to say that some series aren't based on real characters and real places... But even those are carefully dramatized and planned out for production in front of the cameras.
The good news is that most of the characters in this story are exactly who you think they are... To go for realism, the directors like to use the same characters that were involved in a series idea for the actors when they make the story into an anime. It's just the plot lines that are totally screwed up.
For example, have you heard of a little show called Dragon Ball, or any of its spin-offs, Dragon Ball Z or GT? It's about a hero named Goku who goes on a search for the 7 Dragon Balls that will grant any wish, and he has to battle hundreds of other really powerful warriors to get them, right? WRONG!
The actual story is that Goku was an average college-aged guy who lost the keys to his apartment at a party late one night after having a bit too much to drink, and... Oh, but that's not important to the story.
Because our story doesn't take place in the big studios of Mangatown... It takes place in a cute little coffee shop, known as "Jet's Jazzy Java". Owned and operated by former Cowboy Bebop star Jet Black, this joint was one of the most popular after-work hangouts for the citizens of Mangatown. And it's a good thing too, because if it weren't as popular as it was, Leon McNichol wouldn't have gone there after work this fateful Friday night, and this story wouldn't have taken place. But it was, he did, and well... Here we are!

Leon strolled into Triple-J, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket and a big grin on his face, when he caught sight of his group of buddies at a table in the far corner. He made his way over, greeting everyone he met.
"Hey, Leon! I haven't seen you around lately! How ya been, man?"
"Hey, Vash, I'm just fine, thanks!"
"Ooh, Leon... HE'S SO CUTE! How about we share a cappuccino, Leo?"
"Sorry, Sailor V, the guys are here now! Maybe some other time, OK?"
"Pi-pi, Pikachu!"
"Yo, Pikachu! Keep it shockin', bud!"
At last, he reached the table where his five closest friends sat.
"What's been keeping you, Leon?" asked Touga Kiryuu, casually sipping from his double latté. The President of Ohtori Academy had taken the day off, and had just put down his current issue of the "Bishonen Bugle". He was a tall, leggy redhead, with long, lavish hair and sharp eyes that made pretty much every girl who met him scream with enthusiasm. He wore a neat white Ohtori boy's uniform, with a Rose Signet ring on his left ring finger.
"Ah, you know, the usual..." Leon shrugged, sliding in between Touga and a seemingly empty chair.
"The endless supply of babes hanging off of your arm?" Nagare Akatsuki chuckled, pushing his long black hair behind his ears. "I never have a problem with that..." Akatsuki, the chairman of Nergal Enterprises, never usually mingled with poor people, but today he had decided to take a break from Puttin' on the Ritz and just hang with the guys. He had narrow black eyes and shiny black hair that hung down to his chin. He wore a tidy red Nergal military uniform, with silver and black shoulder pads.
Carrot Glace, a hopelessly perverted Sorcerer Hunter with spiky black hair and black eyes began snickering immaturely. "Why? Because you're UGLY?" He covered his mouth with his hands and giggled uncontrollably, thoroughly pleased with his little joke. Carrot was dressed in a rather sloppy brown tank top, with white pants and raggedy bracers wrapped around his wrists.
"No, because I pay them off," Akatsuki said, annoyed. "Not only am I drop-dead gorgeous, I'm the chairman and CEO of a multibillion-dollar organization..."
"Baby, you're a rich man," a tiny voice cut in from the seemingly empty chair. "But ain't that only on your show, baby?"
"Of course not!" Akatsuki said impatiently, waving his hands. "I really am the CEO of Nergal! They just needed someone to play him on Nadesico, so who better to do it than the mind-numbingly-handsome actual CEO of the company?"
Not often seen in Mangatown was an old friend of Touga's, a certain video game hero named Link. He's your typical blond-haired blue-eyed cutie-pie; all decked out in a green tunic tied with a belt and matching hat, with a pair of white tights underneath. "Ooh, rich and handsome. Big deal," he groaned, shaking his head. "How many women do you usually get, Nagare?"
"3 or 4." Akatsuki replied. "At a time. They come in waves."
"Yeah? Well I've been paired up with every single woman in the Legend of Zelda series at least twice!" Link boasted, thumping his chest with his fist.
"And a few of the men too, right?" Touga chuckled, staring mystically through his luxurious man-hair.
Link turned completely red and choked on his coffee.
"I wouldn't talk if I were you, Touga," the tiny voice cut in again. "After all, you do work with Akio Ohtori. He gets around more than that scary car of his that drives itself, baby... If ya know what I mean... Heh heh..."
Leon, Carrot, Akatsuki and Link burst out laughing as Touga turned almost as red as his hair. "Oh, shut up Stan!" he snapped. "Why do we even let you sit with us anyway?"
"What? I'm a playboy too, baby!"
"You're also a hamster," Touga argued.
There was a moment of silence, and the tiny voice let out a shrill yell, "Carrot, put me up on the table!"
The young Sorcerer Hunter shrugged, and lifted the tiny tan and brown striped Ham-Ham up on the table, where he started shaking his maracas angrily and screaming. "Yeah, so what if I'm a hamster? I have the soul of a true playboy, baby, unlike the rest of you you, you furless sissy-mary weenie-pants losers!"
"Why, Stan! You've cut me deep..." Touga said solemnly. "We all know that out of the six of us, I'm the one who gets the most action..."
"Your kitten doesn't count as a date, Touga." Leon chuckled.
Akatsuki started laughing hysterically. "Look who's talking, Mr. Desperate! Don't you have a scene where you make out with Priss while she's wearing a Hardsuit helmet?"
"That's only in my show!" Leon protested angrily. "And besides Priss, I've got a million other girls who love me! Shiori at the Lonesome Dove, Sandra at the Blue Moon..."
"Those are waitresses, you idiot!" Link snapped.
"If we're talkin' hours on the job, guys, then I'M definitely the winner! I'm babe-hunter 24/7/365!" Carrot boasted. "And incidentally, 24 is the number of girls I've done the wild thing with, 7 is the number of girls who offered to marry me, and 365 is the total number of girls I've ever..."
"Carrot, you big liar! You've been with fewer girls than Rat-Boy has fingers! THREE!" Touga groaned, rolling his eyes.
"THAT'S DEROGATORY AND INSULTING!" Stan shrieked. "I should have you arrested for slander! I AM A HAMSTER, BABY, NOT A RAT!"
Suddenly the six of them burst out into angry screams, nasty insults, and even nastier swear words as the rest of the coffee shop patrons stared at them confusedly.
From the kitchen there came the clashing of pots and pans, and a huge man with a black beard and a metal left arm appeared, wearing a frilly pink apron. "Aw man, not THESE guys again!" he groaned, jumping over the bar and stepping slowly towards the table.
"YOU STUPID LYING %&^#, YOU'RE SUCH AN..."
"... IDIOT TO THINK THAT ANY WOMAN WOULD BE..."
"...INTERESTED IN A DEFINITIVE MORON LIKE YOU..."
"...I WAS A WOMAN, I'D RUN AWAY FROM YOU..."
"... YOU LOUD-MOUTHED, BOOGER-NOSED RAT-BOY..."
"I'M A HAMSTER, NOT A RAT YOU JERK..."
"Hey boys, I'm gonna have to ask that you keep it down."
Leon and the others froze in mid sentence, each of them reaching for one of the other's necks.
"Now seriously, you're causing a scene!" Jet scolded. "You're scaring customers away! Now please, don't make me talk to you again."
Akatsuki sighed loudly, and stood up. "You know what, my good man... You're absolutely right. It was wrong of us to make such a scene in this fine establishment you've got going here, and we should be ashamed... Listen... To make it up to you, I'm buying drinks for the whole café!"
Everyone gasped and burst into applause. Akatsuki took a bow, and pulled out his checkbook, which was, in fact, thicker than most English dictionaries.
"That'll be $199.99, sir." Jet said proudly, as Akatsuki filled out the check. He ripped it off carefully and handed it to Jet, leaning over near his ear.
"By the way..." Akatsuki said in a softer voice. "Would it be possible to..." the murmuring of the crowd cut off the rest of his sentence.
Jet listened carefully, and then raised his eyebrows. He frowned angrily, and pushed Akatsuki down into his chair again. "No, sir, you CANNOT order arsenic to be laced in with your friend's coffee!"
He turned on a dime and stomped angrily back into the kitchen. The other five glared at Akatsuki with looks of pure venom. He shrugged. "What?"

Half an hour later, the argument had toned down, but the six of them still glared angrily back and forth at each other from over their coffee mugs. Akatsuki was grumbling especially loud, at how he'd lost 200 bucks and hadn't even got so much as a drop of rat poison in his friend's drinks (To which Stan got extremely offended and almost started the whole riot again).
"... Y'know what I think?" Link said as loudly as he dared to, wiping the foam off of his upper lip, "I think that we should prove once and for all which one of us is the ultimate playboy."
"How so?" asked Touga.
"A contest!" Akatsuki cried, clapping his hands. "Oh goody, goody, that's perfect!"
"Hey, yeah! We're all studs here, and we should all be able to prove our worth on the battlefield of BABES!" Carrot proclaimed.
"For once, the little pervert is right." Leon nodded. "We've got to PROVE our worth as manly studs!"
"But how are we gonna do that, baby?" asked Stan.
"Easy... Let's make a solemn vow that we won't flirt with anybody... And the one who goes the longest without a date is the biggest loser, and the one who gets a date first wins the contest!" Link finished, smiling proudly.
Akatsuki frowned, and scratched his chin. "Hmm... Nah. Too Seinfeld."
They sat in silence for a moment, carefully considering each and every option that passed through their little heads.
"All right..." Leon said suddenly. "Let's all dress up like women, and the first one to get a date with a woman, even though we're dressed like women ourselves, wins the contest!" He clapped his hands enthusiastically. "Ooh, that'd be GREAT! I'd win for sure!"
The other five stared at him.
Stan shook his head. "I'm gonna pretend we didn't hear that."
Akatsuki grinned. "I've got it. We each pick a girl, take her on a date, and then at the end we have the girls interviewed, and the one who took their girl on the nicest date wins the contest!"
"Well THAT'S no fair!" cried Touga. "Akatsuki, you're filthy rich. You could literally buy your girlfriend the moon!"
Akatsuki shrugged. "Hey, it was just a suggestion."
"We take the first gorgeous Ham-babe we see, and we show her our spectacular dance moves, and the one she's most impressed with wins!" Stan shouted triumphantly.
The other five shook their heads quickly. "NO WAY! No hamsters, Stan!" Leon scolded.
"OK then!" Carrot piped up, now excited. "Let's pick one woman in this café... Any woman... And the one of us who gets a date with her first wins the contest! 50 bucks each! The winner takes all!"
They all thought for a moment, and then nodded enthusiastically.
"Perfect. Great job, Carrot!" Touga said, patting him on the back.
"And since I made it up, I get to pick the girl!" Carrot giggled immaturely, looking around the café. "OOOH MAN, this is gonna be hard... Now if they were naked it'd be easier..."
"How about that one?" Link insinuated, pointing to a redheaded girl in a police hat and extremely skimpy clothes.
"NOOOOO!" Carrot shrieked, terrified. "Not Chocolate! Definitely not!"
"There ya go, baby, right there!" Stan suggested, pointing to a cute hamster with blue bows in her hair. "Oh yeah baby, Bijou's the one!"
"NO HAMSTERS!" Leon cried, pounding his fist on the table.
"How about that one?" asked Touga, pointing to a girl in a boy's outfit with pink hair. "What a babe..."
"You know Utena personally Touga, you cheater." Akatsuki whined. "Pick her, pick her!" He was pointing at a young woman in a military uniform with bright blue hair.
"Yurika is DEFINITELY out of the question." Leon groaned. "Why don't you all hush and just let Carrot pick?"
Carrot studied the femmes in the café as carefully as if they'd been history textbooks on finals week... Each one who passed through his line of vision made his face changed... From horror to deep thought, to bliss, to extreme bliss, to a scowl, to a grin... Finally, his face dropped into a grin, complete with drool. "There she is..." he whispered excitedly.
"Who?" the other five demanded. "Where? Which?"
"That one at the bar... With the long blue hair... In that SEXY outfit..." Carrot practically squealed.
He was pointing at a skinny, very pretty girl seated at the bar. She had long, silky purple hair that hung down her back, and was wearing an outfit straight out of ancient China. Her eyes were light brown, and they seemed to twinkle with laughter. The girl sipped her mocha latté quietly, and looked around at all the autographed pictures on the walls.
The other five smiled, apparently pleased. "Ooh yeah, she's pretty..." Link commented. "Good choice."
"Yes... she's quite a filly..." chuckled Akatsuki.
"Yeah baby, she's perfect!" Stan cried, shaking his maracas. "I couldn't have picked better myself!"
"Now... who's gonna go first?" said Carrot slowly, scratching his head.
"Let me go first!" Stan cried, jumping up and down.
"YOU?" Touga groaned. "She's probably afraid of rats! If you go first, you'll scare her off, Stan!"
"I'M A HAMSTER!" Stan growled. "And just for that comment, I'm going first, whether you like it or not, baby! Now outta the way!"
Touga set his hand on the table, and gently set the little hamster on the floor.

PART TWO- STAN'S STRUGGLE!

"Here's the absolutely irresistible Ham-hunk, making his way across the coffee shop to hang with the girl of his dreams!" Stan said to himself, as he made his way across the floor, his head held high and his maracas at his side. "Yeah baby, if only my sister could see me now!"
Now, it was only about a 10-yard walk from the table to the barstool where the Mystery Woman was sitting, but remember, Stan is only about 10 centimeters tall. In the time that it would take one of the other guys to make their way over, the little hamster was only about 2 feet away from the spot on the floor where he'd been set down.
"Yeah baby, now only a little longer until you meet the Ham of your dreams, my Mystery Woman!" he called proudly.
Back at the table, the other five were watching smugly as Stan made his way across the floor.
"Think he's gonna do it?" asked Link.
"Of course not! He's a HAMSTER! The chick is a HUMAN! Why would she go for Stan when she could go for one of us hunks?" Akatsuki snickered.
"I still say she's gonna freak out and run," Touga snorted.
"I bet you 20 bucks he can't make it to the girl before she leaves." Leon grinned, waving a bill in front of Carrot's face.
"You're on, Leon!" Carrot challenged. "I know my little buddy will be just fine, and when he gets there, he's gonna do a heck of a lot better than you, you stupid..."
SPLAT!
The five of them immediately stopped conversation, and peered down at the floor.
All they could see was Gateau of the Sorcerer Hunters, staring down at a dazed lump of fur that he had just stepped on. "Um... oops."
"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED STAN!" shrieked Carrot, leaping up and shoving Gateau out of the way. "GATEAU, YOU MEATHEAD!"
"Hey, it's not my fault he wasn't watching where he was going!" Gateau said, smirking. He suddenly turned his attention to the table, and raced over to Touga. "Oh... BEAUTIFUL... You're a beautiful woman, my darling..."
"I'm a man, you repulsive musclebrain!"
Carrot, meanwhile, had scooped up his little chum and was poking him. "Stan, little buddy! SPEAK TO ME!"
No response.
"BREEEEATHE! BREEEATHE, YOU FOOL! BREEEAAATHE!" Carrot shrieked, pushing on Stan's chest. The little hamster showed no signs of life. "NOOO!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm a man, you idiot!"
"... A man, huh? Ooh, kinky..."
"WHAAT?!"
"That which is beautiful transcends the sexes... Touga..."
"Oh no, PLEASE don't..."
Gateau ripped off his shirt and flexed his gigantic muscles. "LOOK AT MEEEE!"
Touga covered his eyes. "AGH, GO AWAY!"
"LIIIIFE!" Carrot screamed dramatically, waving his free hand in the air. "DO YOU HEAR ME? LIIIIFE TO THIS HAMSTER!"
Jet stomped out of the back of the café. "All right, that's it you six! WHAT did I tell you before, you... you... yoooouuu? HEY! No shirt, no shoes, no service, buster!" Jet cried, grabbing Gateau by the ear. "Get outta here!"
"OUCH! OUCH! Hey, watch my beautiful ears!" Gateau snapped, as Jet dragged him to the entrance and threw him out.
Carrot, who had burst into tears, smirked bravely, and pushed Stan's chin back and opened his mouth. "I MUST DO WHAT I MUST DO!
Leon, Link and Akatsuki gasped. "Oh Carrot, no, DON'T-"
Too late.
Suddenly, Stan's eyes fluttered open, and he let out a little shriek. "AGH-"
Carrot was just as surprised. "AGHH-ULP!"
All five onlookers gasped in shock as Carrot practically inhaled the hamster, who was screaming in terror.
Carrot stumbled around for a moment, pounding his chest with his fist and trying to cough. From inside his throat, the screams of a hamster were audible.
"What... WHADDA WE DO?!" screamed Akatsuki, clutching his face in shock.
"Here, I'll fix it!" Leon cried triumphantly, standing up and punching Carrot in the stomach.
Carrot turned blue and grunted in agony.
"Not like that, you idiot! You're supposed to do CPR!" Link snapped.
"No, you mean RICE!" Akatsuki argued. "Rest, Ice, Compression and... uh... and..."
Carrot's eyes rolled back in his head as he wobbled over to the table and scrawled something out on a napkin with a pencil, both of which just happened to be lying there. Then he handed the napkin to Touga, and collapsed unconscious.
"'Someone get behind me and do that move where you hug me and squeeze real tight,'" Touga read.
"OH!" Link screeched, dragging Carrot off the floor and giving him the Heimlich maneuver.
Carrot coughed up Stan, who shot out and smacked into the table. He was followed shortly by Carrot himself, whom collapsed and landed, banging his head on the table, tipping it over and sending both of them as well as a bunch of caramel mocha lattés to the floor.

Twenty minutes later, Carrot and Stan had both been bandaged up, and the café was quiet once again.
"Man, I can't believe you idiots." Stan grumbled, brushing the spit out of his fur with a tiny comb. "I'm glad I wasn't the one choking!"
"Oh, shut up, Stan." Touga snapped, filing his nails. "At least you weren't being hit on by that... that... that... GUY!"
"Sorry Touga, I was too busy being choked upon." Stan retorted. "Sorry 'bout that, Carrot my man."
"S'OK." Carrot whispered. He was feeling a little hoarse, and he kept coughing up ginger hamster hairballs. "I'm sure it wasn't much better for you."
"Yeah, do the world a favor and eat a Tic-Tac once in a while, baby." Stan groaned. Carrot apparently wasn't listening. He stuck out his tongue, to reveal a tiny green maraca, which he removed, wiped off on a napkin, and handed to Stan.
"So, the HEIMLICH is when you get up behind them and hug them real tight, and CPR is what you do when they're unconscious without a pulse..." Link said to no one in particular. "So then, what's RICE?"
"A white grain that you steam, fry, or use in puddings, the most commonly eaten food in all the world," Leon answered.
"No, it's some kind of medical thingy. It's what you do for... SPRAINS, I think it is... It stands for Rest, Ice, Compression... And..." Akatsuki muttered. "And... Er..."
"'Er'? What's that?" asked Link.
"NOT 'ER', you stupid idiot! It's... Uh... Let me think... Oh, screw it. I don't care." Akatsuki said impatiently, waving his hand.
"Well at least the chick is still there!" Leon pointed out, motioning to the Mystery Woman, who was still seated at the bar. "She's the one who called the ambulance."
"Well... I believe that a true playboy NEVER needs medical attention!" Akatsuki snorted. "As I will prove to you now. It's my turn to go! Watch and learn, you rookies!"

PART THREE: AKATSUKI'S ATTEMPT

Akatsuki stood up from the table, and reached into his pockets. "Let's see... Wallet... Check! Platinum credit card... Check! Checks... Affirmative! And gigantic wad of cash... Check!"
He wiped the hair out of his eyes and strolled over to the Mystery Woman, putting on a suave grin. He took a seat in the empty stool next to the Mystery Woman, and smiled, complete with tooth-sparkle.
"Why hello there, my fantastic femme fatale..." Akatsuki said smoothly, placing a hand on her shoulder. "And how are you this beautiful evening?"
The Mystery Woman took one look at Akatsuki, raised her eyebrows, and gently removed his hand, setting down on the bar. "And who might you be?"
"Nagare Akatsuki, proud CHAIRMAN AND CEO of Nergal Enterprises, a MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION." Akatsuki replied, placing unnatural accents on the words involving money.
"Oh, you don't say?" Mystery Woman replied crossly, turning away from him and sipping her latté.
"Yes... I don't... Oh, I mean, I DO! Yes, of course I am... There's almost no mistaking the CEO of Nergal... Did I mention that it was a MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION?"
"Yes, you did," Mystery Woman grunted.
From the corner, Carrot was audible, scribbling down things on the same napkin as before and reading them out loud. "Femme... Fatale... Billion dollars..."
Akatsuki chuckled and pulled out his giant wad of cash, pulling out a few crisp $100 bills and placing them on the bar. "Bartender... A smooth, creamy and delicious mocha java, please... And one for the lady,"
"I hate mocha," Mystery Woman said abruptly.
"Then a mocha for myself, and whatever the lady wants." Akatsuki corrected.
Jet nodded, pulled out two cups, and set to making the drinks, keeping a careful eye on Akatsuki at all times.
"Oh, and don't worry about payment..." Akatsuki said, winking. "I'll just use these crisp, brand-new $100 bills... You know, CEOs of MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATIONS tend to keep a healthy supply of them on hand at all times... And please, keep the change, my good man. I'll pay for the lady from now on..."
Jet rolled his eyes and placed both bills in his apron pocket.
"Pay... for... lady..." Carrot mumbled, scribbling on the napkin.

Back at the table, all five of the others were watching Akatsuki carefully.
"Jeez, what a dork." Leon grunted, shaking his head. "He'd be doing a lot better if he'd stop screaming 'MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR CORPORATION'..."
"OK, watch this... Now he's gonna show off his money some more by... Oh MAN, can you even believe it?" Link burst out laughing.
"Did he just make a paper fan out of cash and give it to her?" Touga said in disbelief.
"And now he's folding origami swans out of cash and leaving them in her lap when she's not looking!" Stan howled with laughter.
"CASH..." Carrot murmured, taking another napkin and scribbling on it with his pencil. "VERY good idea..."

Mystery Woman stared in disbelief at Akatsuki, who was now folding a model of the Eiffel Tower out of $50 bills.
"Have you ever been to Paris, my sweet? It's a beautiful city, but even its beauty does not compare to yours... I'll take you there sometime, you know... I can afford it, even though it's a VERY, VERY EXPENSIVE CITY... Only one night in the finest Parisian hotel can cost thousands of dollars... Unlike all the cheap two dollar motels they have around HERE." Akatsuki yammered on, folding a tiny French flag out of money and setting it atop the tower. "There! Oh, it's perfect! Now where's my camera... Oh dear! I dropped it down below the bar and it's dark, so I can't see! No problem, then!"
He pulled out a $20 bill and lit it on fire, holding it into the darkness below the bar. "Now let's see... Where did that camera go...? Oops! I can't concentrate on my search when I have a full nose..."
"Oh, say he's not honestly..." Link mumbled, as Akatsuki did honestly blow his nose with a $20.
"... One night... two dollar motel..." Carrot added to the napkin.
Finally Mystery Woman stood up, and placed her hands on her hips. "Excuse me?" she called crossly to Akatsuki, who was busily burning more bills in search of his imaginary camera.
"Yes, my sweet?" Akatsuki asked, grinning.
"Do you honestly think that you're going to impress me by blowing your nose with money?" she screeched, clenching her fists.
"Uh... yes...?" he said nervously.
"Well for your information, Mister Rich Guy, I think you're shallow and stupid to think that I'd only be impressed by your money!"
"Did I mention I'm the CEO of..."
"YES, YES, YES ALREADY, ABOUT 20 FREAKIN' TIMES!" Mystery Woman shrieked, picking up Akatsuki by the back of his underwear and lifting him a full 3 feet in the air.
"OWOWOWOWOWOWIE!" Akatsuki squealed, his face turning red and contorting into a hideously pained expression.
"And also for your information... MISTER RICH GUY... I DON'T CARE TOO MUCH FOR MONEY!" Mystery Woman barked, getting right up in Akatsuki's face. "Cause' money can't buy me love!"
"Can't... Buy... Me... Love!" Carrot said, still taking notes on his napkin.
"LOOOVE?" added Sailor Venus, sitting conveniently nearby.
"CAN'T BUY ME LOVE!" Mystery Woman concluded. "UNDERSTAND?"
"YES MA'AM," he squeaked, a full 3 octaves higher than normal.
"Now get your solid gold heiny out of here, and see if you can fix your underpants with all those $20s you seem so desperate to get rid of!" she snapped, tossing him aside as if he'd been a snotty tissue... Er, in this case, a snotty $20 bill.
There was a great thud as the gazillionaire hit the ground, and several smaller thuds as his friends raced over to him.
"Nagare? Nagare, are you all right?" gasped Link.
"WHOA, MAN! That's was hilarious, baby!" Stan howled, slapping his little knees.
"She threw you out like a sack of dirty diapers... LINED WITH MONEY!" Carrot hooted, still in a raspy voice. Then he grabbed the napkin, and wrote down a few more notes. "Dirty diapers... thrown out..."
Leon was laughing too hard to say anything. Touga extended a hand to Akatsuki, who stood up, and put on a weird face. "How are you feeling?" he asked.
"I'VE BEEN BETTER," Akatsuki said in a high-pitched squeaky voice. "NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME... I NEED TO USE THE LITTLE BOYS ROOM..."

The Mystery Woman giggled playfully, handing Jet another dollar as he whipped up another cappuccino for her. Meanwhile, from the table in the corner, six men watched in absolute awe.
"She's STILL there!" Leon whistled, shaking his head. "Wow. Usually, most women will run away after just one real big jerk hits on them..."
"Well excuuuuuuuse me! How was I supposed to know that she wasn't IMPRESSED by my sprawling acres of financial security?" Akatsuki snapped, stirring his drink with a pouting expression stuck on his face. "Most women are..."
"Well Akatsuki, my friend..." Carrot said, standing up and cracking his knuckles, "That's why you have to have a backup plan... Now, poor playboys... Such as myself... We have to rely on our intelligence and charms alone to attract the members of the opposite sex!"
"Pardon me Carrot, but I've never met a woman who found it charming when a perverted little man raced up to her and glomped her, screaming 'WOMAN, WOMAN, WOMAN'." Touga said snootily.
Carrot turned his nose up. "What do you know, Touga? You all should just sit back and relax, and watch the master at work!"

PART FOUR: CARROT'S CRUSADE

Slicking back his hopelessly messy hair, Carrot threw his head back and walked over towards the barstool where Mystery Girl sat, still talking to Jet.
"Dead man walking." Akatsuki whispered to Link, who nodded approvingly.
"If she got mad at you for thinking she was only interested in MONEY, she's gonna murder Carrot! He only wants girls for the... Uh... You know." Link replied.
Carrot slid into the empty stool next to Mystery Woman, spinning it around a few times and leaning on the counter sophisticatedly. "A tall coffee, please..." he said, in a voice completely out of character. "Black."
"That's JET, if you please," Jet grumbled pulling out a tall cup.
"Ah, no, you misunderstood me, my good man. I meant I want a black coffee."
"Buddy, I grind all the beans myself, no matter what you order you'll get a Black coffee."
"... No cream, no sugar," the Mystery Woman interrupted, watching Carrot with a look of intrigue.
"OH! Of course," Jet nodded.
Carrot began blushing furiously, and he let out a high pitched giggle. "Why thank you."
"You're welcome," Mystery Woman replied, turning back to her drink.
With shaky hands, Carrot dug into his pocket, pulling out a rumpled napkin with words scribbled all over it. He scanned over it quickly, and then nodded triumphantly, turning back to Mystery Woman. "So... Get behind me and do that move where you hug me and squeeze real tight..." he said in a suggestive tone.
Mystery Woman gasped in shock, and turned to him. "EXCUSE ME?"
"What? OOPS! I mean... I mean..." Carrot squeaked, quickly reading off of the napkin. "Ah... Two dollars for one night with you in a cheap motel, baby..."
Her eyes narrowed into slits, and she squeezed her cup so hard it crumpled.
"NO! I mean... what I mean is... er... then throw you out like a sack of dirty diapers... WAIT! I DON'T MEAN THAT!" he shrieked, leaping out of his stool and backing away.
The woman let out a growl and threw her crumpled cup at him with the force and accuracy of a Major League pitcher. As it bounced off of his forehead (almost knocking him to the ground), she pointed at him and screamed, "LISTEN PAL, you've got SOME NERVE telling me you'd pay two dollars for a night with me in a cheap motel before throwing me out like a sack of dirty diapers! I should tear you limb from limb!"
"Could you... please... not do that?" Carrot giggled nervously, pulling on his collar. "Gulp..."
"Any last words before I pound you?" she sneered.
"Err... Heh heh..." Carrot gulped, frantically looking over the napkin. "Oh... Y'know what?"
With this, he ripped the napkin into shreds and threw it on the ground, pointing at his friends. "Screw you guys! I'M DOIN' IT MY WAY!"
And he turned to the Mystery Woman, placed his hands on his hips, and screamed, "YEAH BABY! LET'S DO THE WILD THING! YOU'LL HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE!"
... Followed by a loud crash as he glomped the poor woman, sending them both to the floor.

To make a long (and incredibly graphic with violence) story short, half an hour later, Carrot had rejoined the others at the table, with a black eye, half a box of Kleenex stuffed up his bleeding nose, and an IV on a hanger leaking steadily into his left arm. For some reason, however, he was giggling quietly to himself. And he started full out laughing whenever one of the three remaining survivors in the contest mentioned the Mystery Girl.
"Poor Carrot... She knocked out whatever sense he had, baby..." Stan said sadly, shaking his head and patting Carrot's hand.
"Well, have heart everyone... That's how you DO NOT pick up a woman." Link chuckled.
"... I don't think we should do this anymore." Leon said quickly. "Two of us have already been seriously injured... That's twice for Carrot now...And even though Akatsuki was already sort of a tight... um... end- no human person should ever have to endure a wedgie of that size."
Akatsuki threw him a look from over the rim of his cup. "What's the matter Leon? SCARED?"
"Of course I'm not scared!" Leon snapped, slamming his own drink down on the table. "It's just... I don't know if it's worth it anymore! We may have finally met our match- the woman that no playboy, no matter how charming, can get!"
"Oh, don't worry about it Leon," Touga said calmly. "Let's face it... Carrot was doomed before we even started. He's not even a real playboy... He's just a stupid pervert who WISHES he was one."
"And as for Mystery Woman, I think that this is a GOOD sign!" Link said triumphantly. "This woman is our equal in every way, shape, and form!"
"You can say that again..." Carrot murmured, giggling to himself.
"She's just playing hard to get, that's all!" Akatsuki assured Leon. "In fact... Now that the pain in my bum has ceased, I think I'll go try again..."
"No way, Richie Rich." Leon warned, standing up. "Let the rest of us have a turn!"
"Are you going to go, Leon?" asked Stan. "Hey, be careful man..."
"Don't worry!" Leon chuckled. "After all, I used to be a cop... And chicks dig a man in uniform!"
With this comment, Carrot burst into uncontrollable howls of laughter, slapping his knees with his un-IV-stricken arm and gasping for breath.
"I think he's up for another sedative, baby." Stan whispered to Link.

PART FIVE: LEON MCNICHOL'S MISFORTUNE

If you were to assume that Mystery Woman was still clueless about what our six playboy friends were up to, you'd be wrong. For our Mystery Woman was indeed a woman of the world, and she was quite aware that something fishy was going on between those six weirdoes over in the corner.
So that's why she wasn't at all surprised when Leon strolled over and had a seat at the stool next to her. He quietly ordered a drink, and began staring at her, grinning suavely.
She tried to ignore him at first, but after a while it was impossible. So our Mystery Woman cleared her throat, and began to speak. "Why..."
Leon interrupted her. "'Why is this handsome, strong, and all-around wonderful man flirting with me?' That's what you were about to ask, right?"
She raised her eyebrows. "Um... actually, I..."
"Well, there's no need to, because I'll go ahead and tell you anyway. I think you're quite an impressive woman. I mean, look at your record so far tonight. You've been the cause of three of my friends' injuries... And one of the times, it was because he was so mesmerized by your beauty that he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. I think that's mighty impressive."
"You think it's impressive that I..." she stammered, before Leon cut her off again.
"Well as I was about to say, my name is Leon McNichol... I'm an actor now, but I used to be a member of the AD Police. I like motorcycles, taking long walks by the freeway, and chasing down beautiful girls such as you in my patrol car. My favorite foods are squid jerky and donuts, and my favorite movie of all time is Sixteen Candles..."
"Um, I never really..."
"I believe that love and justice are the most important things in life, and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder... Well, my fair lady... The beholder has seen you..."
"That's a good strategy, actually," Link commented from over at the table. "Talk so much that she doesn't have a chance to tell you no."
"... My average grade point average... That's a bit redundant, isn't it? Ah, well my GPA is high school was 1.9... I was never very book-smart, but I joined the athletic team and I... Oh, which team, you say? All of them, actually... I don't like to brag, but as my second grade physical education teacher Ms. Mackeroy told me, I..."

TEN MINUTES LATER...

"... Was always a happy child, even though I was big for my age... As you can see, I'm still fairly big, and some kids on my street used to make fun of me for it... Don't worry though, I got back at them and I threw them all in a dumpster, and they never made fun of me again... I see them on the streets sometimes, and they're still afraid of me... Heh heh heh... OH! But enough about me, what's you name, gorgeous?"
Meticulously annoyed by now, Mystery Woman scowled and extended a hand to shake Leon's own. "Hi, I'm Unable To Get A Word In Edgewise."
"Oh, what a beautiful name, Miss Edgewise, and it suits you so..." Leon immediately paused. "Huh?"
"GOOD LORD MAN, I've heard more entertaining speeches on COURT TV!" Mystery Woman snapped, standing up angrily. "ARE YOU ALL THAT YOU CAN TALK ABOUT? JEEZ! Do you realize that we've... sorry, YOU'VE been talking for 15 minutes already and I haven't said so much as a complete sentence?"
"Well... no." Leon shrugged.
"You're the most self-absorbed idiot ever to walk the face of the earth, Officer Leon McNichol, Age 25, Birthdate August 6th, Sign Leo, and Airplane Seat Preference WINDOW!" she growled. "And I suggest you go away and leave me alone before I have to do the same thing to you that I did to your stupid little friend over there!"
Carrot started laughing uncontrollably again, while the rest of Leon's friends were motioning frantically for him to come back.
"Oh... I see..." Leon said, hanging his head sadly. "I'm sorry, Miss Edgewise... But you see... I'm very insecure... I've never been good with people who aren't cops, and I'm especially bad at communicating with women... I shoot off on a personal tangent, and I start talking uncontrollably about myself, and I can't stop until..."
With a great groan, Mystery Woman stood up and with a great display of strength lifted Leon over her shoulders, carrying him towards the doorway to the men and women's restrooms. She pushed open the women's room door, tossed Leon inside, and followed him, gently closing the door.
Through the coffee shop there echoed the sounds of a splash, then of someone grunting and screaming, then of a toilet flushing.
Seconds later, Mystery Woman emerged, her sleeves rolled up. She unwrinkled them, took a deep breath, checked her watch, and then had a seat at the same stool again.
And seconds after that, Leon emerged from the restroom, his entire head and shoulders soaking wet with what we can only assume was potty water. "So... I'll call you?" he called to Mystery Woman, wringing out his leather jacket.

"So... Stan and Leon... what's worse? Carrot Spit or Potty Water?" Akatsuki snickered, as Jet walked away with their new drink orders.
Neither answered, they just grumbled angrily.
"Stupid..." Leon muttered to himself. He now had a towel wrapped around his shoulders.
"Well, that's what you get for being so self-centered, Leon..." Touga chided, chuckling under his breath.
"It's not my fault I'm shy!" Leon shot back. "And I don't see you going over there, you long-haired show-off!"
"A true playboy is neither shy nor self-centered," Link said wisely, twiddling his thumbs. "He is not afraid to get right up close and personal with his target girl, and tell her how it is..."
Carrot, who had since regained his senses (at least partially), took a deep breath and fiddled around with his IV tube. "Well... I'M not going over there again! That woman is even scarier than Tira or Chocolate!"
"I'm not going again either!" Leon said quickly. "I'm gonna stick with my one true love from now on... Priss Asagiri! And you guys had better not tell her that I ever joined this stupid contest, neither!"
"Good man, Leon. Wimp out before it gets too intense!" Stan grinned. "Leave Mystery Woman to us big boys, we can handle her!"
"The same way you handled Gateau's foot?" Link teased, poking Stan in the back.
"Hey man, that wasn't my fault. Next time, I'm gonna actually get over there and next time, I'm gonna knock her socks off!" Stan said triumphantly, with a shake of his maracas for extra pizzazz.
With this comment, Carrot once again burst out laughing uncontrollably, unable to catch his breath again until Akatsuki injected another dose of sedative into his IV.
"What's so freakin' funny, Carrot?" Leon demanded. "Why do you keep laughing like that?"
"Yeah, it's getting sort of creepy!" Akatsuki added.
Carrot caught himself, and began giggling more quietly. "Oh... nothing... just ignore me... SNORT... So... who's going next to take on Mystery... GIRL? BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Touga stood up bravely, pushing his luxurious man-hair back behind his ear. "I'll go," he said in his usual manner (extremely suave to the point of suggestiveness). "It's time that a real and true playboy showed you fools how it's done... By the time this night is over, Mystery Girl shall be in my arms!"
Carrot pounded his fist on the table and buried his face in his other hand to stop laughing.
Touga snorted and ignored him. "Watch and learn, little boys..."

PART SIX: TOUGA'S TRIAL

Touga was best known for his role as Student Council President and class playboy in the renowned series "Revolutionary Girl Utena". That lead to his scholarship to the REAL Ohtori Academy, which opened soon after the anime became a hit. Being the ultra sexy super pretty boy that he was, in no time at all he had earned a reputation as a playboy almost identical to that of his alter ego, Touga.
Those were some pretty good credentials, Touga said to himself. So what girl could resist him?
At last, he reached the fateful empty stool beside Mystery Girl. He whirled into the chair and leaned against the counter, admiring the Rose Signet ring on his hand. "Spectacular..." he whispered.
Mystery Woman, hearing someone else in the seat that she had come to know as "The Idiot Chair", turned around quickly, finding herself face-to-face with the hunkiest bit of bishonen in the entire coffee shop. "Oh?" she replied. "Yes... It is rather nice," she said, without so much as a hint of sincerity.
"Oh, you mean this? My dear, I wasn't talking about the ring... I was talking about you." Touga said, smiling that perfect smile of his. His eyes sparkled, and he leaned in to the counter. "My good man... Could I please get two caramel lattés? Stirred, not shaken... Iced, not hot... In a chilled cup, not frozen... With two of those... curly little straws..."
Jet raised his eyebrows and nodded, setting to work on the drinks.
Mystery Woman stared at Touga in shock, as he brushed his man-hair out of his eyes again and faced her only slightly. "Yes... It's hard not to notice such a beautiful woman sitting in this dreary little coffee shop... You're like the first sunbeam that hits the stained-glass window on a cloudy day... The only... rose, if you excuse my redundancy..." he continued, pulling the red rose out of his pocket and setting it gently on the bar in front of her, "...in the garden of weeds..."
Mystery Woman let out a great sigh, shaking her head. Did he have to make it so blatantly obvious that he had rehearsed these words a million times before?
"You're a playboy, aren't you?" she asked bluntly, bursting Touga's bubble as quickly as it had formed.
"Excuse me?" Touga replied, a bit stunned.
"You know... The kind of guy who can get any girl he wants whenever he wants, because all the girls love him? A 'mack-daddy', if you excuse my crudeness?" Mystery Woman said in an annoyed tone.
"Oh, no, my dear... I assure you, that I only have eyes for you..."
"OK, now you're not being poetic, you're just being unoriginal." Mystery Woman sighed. She chuckled to herself, and then narrowed her eyes at Touga. "I can't believe how pathetic you are."
Touga looked absolutely shocked. "Er..."
She patted him on the shoulder. "You're so insecure with yourself, you result to being a playboy to make others like you. You think that the number of girls you can get determines your social rank or class. You don't even consider that maybe, just maybe, your friends respect you for who you are and not for how many girls you can get."
He threw back his head. "Why, I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Have you ever had more than one date with a girl EVER in your life?" Mystery Woman asked.
"Uh... no." Touga answered, looking around as if he had guessed the answer.
"You should really try a monogamous relationship sometime, instead of being a playboy. I mean, think about it!" Mystery Woman said gently, putting her arm over Touga's shoulder and pointing up in the air as if there was something to look at. "Can't you just imagine it? One person and one person only who receives all your love... And all of their love and affection is heading back right to you!"
"R-r-really?" asked Touga, stuttering. "But if you have lots of girlfriends..."
"Oh, who needs lots of girlfriends when you could have just one?" cooed Mystery Woman, pinching his cheeks. "Just think... If you have just one girlfriend, then you have one person who will still love you, no matter what kind of stupid things you do and no matter what kind of annoying habits you may have..."
"There are people like that?" gasped Touga in disbelief. "I thought only my kitten..."
"Oh, EVERYONE is like that if you get to know them well enough!" Mystery Woman practically shouted. "They'll never judge you or make fun of you, and of course they'll never, ever stray away... Because you'll love them just as much, won't you, won't you JUST? And besides that, there are a million other reasons to have only one girlfriend! For example, if you have more than one, then there's no way you could ever..."

TEN MINUTES LATER...

"...And besides that, if you do that you'll get arrested... But monogamy is completely within the law! And remember that if you have a monogamous relationship, then someday, you can get married! And then the happiness doesn't EVER have to end! Doesn't that sound wonderful?"
"IT DOES, IT DOES!" Touga squealed.
"So will you try it?" asked Mystery Woman suspiciously.
"OH, I WILL, I WILL!" Touga cried triumphantly, tears coming to his eyes. "Oh, thank you Mystery Woman! You... you've changed my life! FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, TOUGA KIRYUU IS A NEW MAN! I PROMISE, I'LL NEVER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF GIRLS BECAUSE I CAN EVER AGAIN!"
"Atta boy!" Mystery Woman cheered. "Now go! Find your true love! Today is the first day of the rest of your life, Touga Kiryuu!"
"Oh, YES, YES, YES!" Touga wailed, racing back to the table where his friends were.
Mystery Woman smiled smugly and took a sip from her curly straw. "Oh baby... I am SO... GOOD!" She paused. "And he is SO GULLIBLE!"

"Oh, guess what guys? MY PLAYBOYING DAYS ARE OVER! Mystery Woman told me that if I have just one girlfriend, I'd get a million times the love that I would get from 10 girlfriends! And about a million other things! I don't know why anyone would want to playboy after hearing all the benefits of a loving, understanding monogamous relationship! You guys should honestly come over and hear about this, it's wonderful!"
The other five just stared at him with blank, clueless expressions.
"What? Why are you looking at me that way?" asked Touga. "Isn't it great? Now I know that it's all right for me to have only one girlfriend and still remain in a high social position at school!"
"... Touga, are you drunk?" asked Akatsuki seriously.
"I'm only drunk with the TRUTH!" Touga gasped poetically, staring up at the sky. "At last, my fears have been conquered, and a new me can step forth happily! Oh, JOY TO THE REVOLUTION!"
And with that, he raced off to the restroom to look in the mirror at the new man he had become... Or... maybe he had to pee. I don't know; I'm not into writing bathroom scenes.

It was now 8:00. One hour until the coffee shop would close, and the whole place was still buzzing with activity. And amazingly, Mystery Woman was STILL sitting at the bar, in the same place that she had been for almost 3 hours now.
And even more amazingly, our six heroes were STILL sitting at their table, ordering drink after drink after drink... You'd think that they'd be tired of coffee by now... Or that they'd at least have to pee really badly. But nope, these six hardy souls were still at it, plotting a way to win the heart of Mystery Girl and $50 from each of the other five.
Except for Touga, whose enlightenment about the wonders of monogamy was still fresh in his mind. He was instead plotting out the steps to providing a perfect date for two on a napkin.
And except for Leon, who wasn't willing to risk getting his favorite Harley-Davidson leather jacket dumped in the potty again.
Oh, and except for Carrot, who was in too frail a condition to hobble over to Mystery Woman and try again. Not that he'd want to, that is. Because every time her name was mentioned, he'd start laughing uncontrollably again.
And except for Akatsuki, the memory of his atomic wedgie still haunting him.
Now there was only one guy left to go... Link stood up, adjusted his pants, and took a deep breath. "Well... Wish me luck, you guys," he said proudly, tipping his hat to them. "And then there was one..."
"Hey man, I told you, I'm going back out there, baby!" Stan shouted triumphantly.
"Sorry Stan, my man, but this is it." Link assured him, tapping the little hamster on the head. "There's only one of us left... And it looks like it's me."
"Thank you, Lord Stater, King of the Obvious." Akatsuki mumbled.
"Oh Akatsuki, you're just jealous that my underwear is still in place..." Link grinned, winking at him. "Now... I'll see you all when I get back, but then I'll have to leave... Ya see, Mystery Woman and I will be going on a hot date..."
He made sure that his sword and shield were in place (... He was carrying WEAPONS, you sickos!), and he strolled off to greet the Mystery Woman, who was leading the pack with a score of 5 to 0.
"He's doomed," whispered Leon to Carrot. "She's gonna have his head on a plate!"
Carrot snorted and burst out laughing once again.
Akatsuki reached for the switch to pump more sedatives into Carrot's IV, but Stan held out his little paw and shook his head. "No, man... Just let it go..."

PART SEVEN: LINK'S LABOR

So what if the others struck out? Link thought, as he made his way over to the fateful Stool O' Doom. Those stupid anime characters are WAY outta their league!
Mystery Woman groaned to herself as she saw him plunk down into the chair. "Oh jeez..." she whispered, snapping her fingers. "Jet, another latté please, and make it snappy..."
Link threw her a suave look, and grinned stupidly, complete with tooth sparkle. "Well hello there..." he said. "Can I buy you that latté, or are you type who likes to pick up the bill yourself?" He winked.
She rolled her eyes and turned away. "Not another one..." she groaned.
Link continued smiling stupidly, and then he snapped his fingers. "Yo, JET my man! Could I get a latté up in here? The lovely lady and I are very thirsty..."
Jet threw him a confused glare, and handed the latté to the Mystery Girl. Without any hesitation, she splashed the scalding hot coffee in his face.
"OWWW!" he squealed. "That's HOT, YOU MEAN, MEAN LADY!"
"Thank you, Jet," Mystery Woman smiled.
"No problem, Korin..." Jet replied, handing Mystery Woman a new latté.
Link immediately forgot that he had just had a scalding hot cup of coffee dumped in his face, and grinned stupidly again. "Oh... your name is KORIN, is it?" he said, with a loud accent on her name. He turned back to the table where his friends were, and stuck out his tongue.
Korin took a sip of her latté, and then turned to Link with a look of absolute evil on her face. "Look... little elf ... I don't date people of your type."
Link gasped as his eyes got gradually wider. "Huh? Whaddya mean? What's wrong with me?"
"Hey, sorry, but I just don't swing that way," Korin said calmly.
"You... you're saying that you won't date me because I'm an ELF?" Link gaped, looking horrified.
"No," Korin replied nonchalantly, still sipping her latté.
Link looked in deep thought for a moment, and then pointed at Korin, stood up, and screamed, "AAAAHA! YOU'RE RACIST AGAINST VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS, AREN'T YOU?"
Korin raised her eyebrows. "I said no such thing."
"Yes, yes you DID!" Link cried accusingly, "When all the rest of my friends hit on you, you briefly considered them before beating them into a bloody pulp but OH-! Heaven forbid a VIDEO GAME CHARACTER walks into Mangatown, and OH-! Heaven forbid that the Video Game Character LIKES you, you self-righteous anime jerk!"
A chorus of murmurs rose up through the coffee shop, and everyone fell silent, staring at Korin and Link. Korin blushed, but Link continued screaming.
"Well GUESS WHAT, Miss 'I'm Too Good For The Video Game Person'! I DON'T CARE! I hate you too! Yeah, I bet you're JEALOUS!"
"Jealous?" Korin said, in disbelief. "Of course I am, but not because..."
"YEAH, you're jealous because I'M drawn in beautiful and colorful 64-bit 3D graphics and YOU are done 2-dimensionally, with a PENCIL, and MARKERS. You can't handle the 3-Dimensional-ness of a man like me!" Link hissed.
"... I never said I didn't want to date you because you're a video game character. I don't want to date you because you're a WOMAN." Korin shouted over his rantings.
If Link's face was red before, it now turned absolutely magenta. "A WOMAN? A WOMAN?"
"Yes, a woman. I don't date women," Korin said slowly. "Do you understand?"
"I'M NOT A WOMAN! I'm a sexy and well-rendered MAN!" Link cried.
"You're wearing tights." Korin said, as if stating the obvious.
"Hey, they aren't tights! They're LEGGINGS, OK? LEGGINGS! And even if they were tights, plenty of men wear tights! Robin Hood wears tights! All of the Gundam guys wear tights!" Link argued.
"Then how do you explain the earrings?" Korin added.
"Lots of men wear earrings, too!" Link growled.
"Then how do you explain the skirt?" asked Korin. "That is obviously a skirt."
"It's a TUNIC. A TUUUUNIC, do you hear?" Link snapped. "It's tied up with a belt, so it LOOKS like a skirt! But it is NOT A SKIRT!"
"All right, Smart Girl..." Korin said, standing up and going face-to-face with Link, poking him in the chest. "You may be wearing leggings instead of tights... And you're right; lots of men do wear earrings... And it may very well be a tunic tied with a belt instead of a skirt, BUT- BUT, BUT, BUUUUT: If you're a man, then why is your name ZELDA?"
Link's mouth dropped open in absolute shock. His fists clenched in rage, and his face turned a brighter shade of purple than Korin's hair. "Zelda...? ZELDA...? ZELDA!?"
"Yes. Zelda. Aren't you the hero from the Legend of Zelda?" Korin asked innocently.
"Zelda... is the princess!" Link said desperately, his eyes welling up with tears. "I am LINK! NOT ZELDA! WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT? Just because the game is named after Zelda does not mean that the hero must be named Zelda! WAAAAAA!"
And with that, Link burst into inconsolable sobs and raced to the bathroom to cry his eyes out.
Korin blinked confusedly, and scratched her head. "... Oh," she said, shrugging. "OK then. My bad."
And with that, she took her seat at the bar and continued to drink her latté.

Back at the table, the guys were all speechless.
"... Man. Poor Link," Akatsuki said, shaking his head sadly.
"How embarrassing..." Touga shuddered.
"Man... He makes all of the rest of us look like we got off easy!" Leon whistled.
Carrot grunted. "Excuse me?"
"Oh... except for you, Carrot..."
Stan took a deep breath. "Well then... I guess it's my turn again, baby!"
"STAN!" gasped Akatsuki, "How could you be so insensitive? Poor Link has just been involved in a gender-bender!"
Carrot burst out laughing again, slamming his head against the table in mirth.
"It's not funny, Carrot!" Touga warned.
But Carrot was laughing too hard to be stopped, even by Touga.
Stan stood up and dusted himself off. "Well, the way I see it, we've all had a turn now. So why can't I go again?"
"No Stan! That woman is the DEVIL!" gasped Leon. "You're doomed if you go anywhere near her!"
"I disagree," Touga interrupted. "I'm actually quite happy now..."
"Hey man, come on! I didn't even get a chance with her! I got stepped on, remember?" Stan argued. "Please, just let me try one more time?"
The other four looked back and forth at each other, and sighed.
"All right. But let me carry you over there this time, so you won't get stepped on," Touga said.
"All riiiiiight! OK, humans! It's time to see exactly what the Ham-man can do!" Stan whooped, jumping into Touga's hand.

PART EIGHT: STAN'S STRUGGLE- THE SEQUEL! -Or- AN EXTRAORDINARY EPILOGUE

Korin, you have to admit, was being remarkably patient with our six heroes. Most women would have just given up and run off after being hit on unsuccessfully even ONCE. But she was a trooper, and she was STILL there, all the way up to what was now going to be the SEVENTH attempt.
Touga gently set Stan down on the bar a little ways from Korin, who looked absolutely exasperated when she saw Touga. Then, Stan gave Touga a salute, and Touga raced back over to the table before Korin could catch him.
Stan walked proudly up to the Girl Formerly Known As Mystery, took a bow, and said in as loud a voice as he could, "Hello my fine, fair lady... My name is Stan, and I... am the Ham of your dreams, baby..."
Korin groaned. "Oh, NO, not a..." But when she turned to look at the Stool O' Doom, no one was there. She looked right, then left, then right again, looking more and more confused each time. "What..."
"Down here, beautiful," Stan called, waving his little arms. "A little to the left... Yeah, that's it."
Korin raised her eyebrows when she saw the tiny ginger and brown hamster waving at her furiously. "What the...?" she gasped.
"Hey, gorgeous!" Stan grinned, winking. "How ya been, sweetie?"
Korin's face was neutral. It was impossible to tell if she was happy, angry, depressed, confused, or whatever. Suddenly, it turned into a face that nobody could mistake for one of absolute adoration.
"AWWWWW! LOOK HOW CUTE YOU ARE, YOU ADORABLE LITTLE THING!" Korin cooed, scooping up Stan and cuddling him next to her cheek. "Aww, you're just PRECIOUS! Look at your little tail, and your little stripes... AWWW! And Stan is such an adorable name, AWWW!"
"Hey, hey, hey, hold it, baby!" Stan cried indignantly. "I am many things, but CUTE is not one of them!"
"Aww, and you keep saying 'baby'! That's so SWEET!" she wailed, scratching Stan's head. "Look at you, you're just so CUTE!"
"No, no, no, baby, you don't understand!" Stan cried, struggling to get out of Korin's grip. "You can't... I mean, I'm not... What I'm trying to do is..."
"Yes?" asked Korin. "Oh, I don't care what it is, you adorable little thing... Just don't say that you want to date me, because I've had a REALLY rough night so far, little guy..."
Stan gulped, and chuckled nervously. "Er... That is..."
Korin's face sank. "Oh NOOO. Not you too!" she wailed. Throwing her hand across her forehead dramatically, she let out a little cry, "What is it with all the JERKS tonight, trying to get a date with me?"
"Well I... I mean... I'm not supposed to..." Stan murmured.
Korin's eyes began to tear up, and she sniffled. "Will you please tell me, Stan? Do you know what's going on?" She put her face extremely close to Stan's, and made a pleading look. "Please?"
"Er, actually..." Stan grinned, blushing like crazy. "My five friends over there and I have a bet going on... To see which one of us is the biggest playboy, man... The winner gets the title and 50 bucks... And the object of the bet was to get a date with you, cause you're so beautiful, baby..."
Korin turned bright red. "They WHAT? And you were competing against them?"
"Um..." Stan squeaked. "What I mean to say is... Oh no, PLEASE don't hurt me..."
Korin stood up, still clutching Stan in her hands. She stomped angrily over to the table where Stan's buddies were sitting, a look of absolute venom on her face.
The four of them immediately shut up (Link was still in the bathroom, crying) and stared at Korin, their eyes getting very big. Each of them smiled hopefully, and clasped their hands together.
"Well..." Korin said angrily, holding up Stan, "Is what this hamster tells me true?"
"What did..." Touga began, but Akatsuki quickly beat him over the head with his fist.
"That's right! We're all madly in love with you, you gorgeous babe! And you can have any one of us that you want, babe!" he said, winking and trying to look sexy.
"NOT THAT!" growled Korin, pulling Stan close to her and cuddling him. "Did you jerks bring this poor little hamster into your stupid perverted contest so that you could rip him out of $50?"
Everyone turned bright red and remained silent, except for Akatsuki, who was still yammering on proudly. "Yeah, that's right! He's hot for you too, you... OW!"
That was Korin, bashing Akatsuki over the head with her fist and knocking him against the table. The whole coffee shop fell silent, and everyone, even Jet, watched in interest at the scene before them.
Then she turned to the rest of them, and they watched in absolute terror, as her face became redder and redder...
"AAAAALL RIGHT, YOU STUPID IDIOTS! LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT HERE! I HATE YOU ALL! YOU'RE ALL STUPID, SELF-CENTERED PLAYBOYS, AND NO GIRL IN HER RIGHT MIND WOULD EVER DATE YOU!" she screeched.
"YES MA'AM!" the four of them screamed, terrified.
"YOU'RE HORRIBLE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO THIS POOR, HELPLESS RODENT!"
"He's a hamster...?" squeaked Touga nervously.
Stan's face had melted into a look of utter infatuation. "She can call me whatever she wants..." he sighed.
"AND I NEVER WANT TO EVER TALK TO ANY OF YOU EVER AGAIN, YOU GOT IT?"
"YES MA'AM!"
"AND ONE MORE THING, I THINK THAT-"
"NURIKO?"
Korin immediately stopped screaming, and spun around towards the door. Standing in the doorway was two young men, around Korin's age.
The first was dressed in ancient Chinese clothing, not unlike Korin, and had long, luxurious black hair that hung down to his mid torso. His black eyes were glittering with worry, and there was a large sword at his belt.
The second had blue hair that stood straight up in the front, and hung down in a long ponytail in the back. He wore a simple white tunic and pants draped with a dark blue cloak, and held a gold staff with bells and rattles tied onto it. His eyes were shut, making their color impossible to tell.
"OHH! Hotohori! Chichiri!" gasped Korin, spinning around and bowing. "What on EARTH took you so long? I've been waiting for you here for over 6 HOURS!"
"Our flight got delayed at the airport, no da?" the blue haired one, called "Chichiri" shrugged.
"I'm sorry we made you wait so long, Nuriko," the one called Hotohori said. "But... shouldn't we be going?"
"We start filming Fushigi Yûgi: The Movie tomorrow at 7, no da? We gotta get a good night's sleep, na no da!" Chichiri grinned. "Say goodbye to your boyfriends."
"They're not my..." Korin began to say, when suddenly Stan interrupted.
"Korin? Why do they keep calling you Nuriko? Isn't your name Korin?" he asked.
"Oh... THAT..." said Korin, blushing profusely. "I'm afraid I haven't been quite honest with you, Stan... You see, Korin is my nickname. But my real name is Nuriko."
"But..." Akatsuki began, very slowly, "But wait... I'm REALLY confused! Could someone please explain what's going on here?"
Nuriko blushed again, and from the table there erupted a swell of uncontrollable laughter.
"CARROT! Now is not the time!" scolded Touga.
"I'm SICK of you just laughing for no reason!" Leon barked. "What in the hell is so funny, and why are you..."
"NURIKO IS A MAN!" Carrot burst out, howling hysterically. "DON'T YOU GET IT? WE'VE BEEN FLIRTING WITH A TRANSVESTITE MAN THE WHOLE TIME!"
The café fell completely silent, except for Nuriko's quiet giggling and Carrot's howls of laughter. Then, every single person in the café burst out into sidesplitting, tear-inducing laughter.
All except for Touga, Akatsuki, Leon, Stan, and Link, who had incidentally appeared from the bathroom with huge splotches under his eyes.
"A... a... A MAN?" Link gasped. He wobbled over to Carrot and grabbed him by the throat. "MYSTERY WOMAN IS A MAN? HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?"
"Since I tackled him!" Carrot guffawed, tears streaming down his face. "I wouldn't have dropped out otherwise... BAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Nuriko blushed. "Oh, don't be too upset boys... I actually thought a few of you were rather cute..." He tickled Touga under the chin as he said this.
"HE'S A GAY MAN?" shrieked Akatsuki and Leon.
"WE WERE FLIRTING WITH A GAY... TRANSVESTITE... MAN?" Touga and Stan choked.
Nuriko grinned. "That's right, sweetie..." He set Stan down on the table, scratching his head some more. "I hope you're not too upset, Stan baby..."
"Oh... um... no... no... trouble at all..." he murmured.
"Well this is just PEACHY!" Leon cried angrily. "All that pain, all that torment, all that embarrassment, for NOTHING! We STILL don't know who the champion playboy is!"
"Well ACTUALLY..." Jet interrupted, jumping over the bar. "Since he got all six of you... One of you twice... Since he got seven come-ons tonight, I would say that Nuriko is the champion playboy."
"WOOHOO!" cheered Nuriko. "I'M SO HAPPY!" Jet held his hand up in the air boxing-style, and Nuriko waved proudly to everyone in sight. "OOOOH, HOTOHORI, AREN'T YOU PROUD OF ME?"
"Fantastic, Nuriko..." Hotohori said calmly, "But I'm afraid I still beat you in the looks department."
"Great job, Nuriko! You were SINGLED-OUT, no da!" Chichiri grinned.
Touga, Leon, Stan, Akatsuki and Link stood completely still, in absolute shock, with their mouths hanging wide open. Carrot was still slapping the table wildly and laughing as hard as he was able to.
"Well..." Touga murmured uncomfortably, as the five of them continued to watch Nuriko celebrating with Hotohori and Chichiri, "Am I to assume that you guys are going to take me up on that offer to explore the joys of monogamy?"
"I'm in," Akatsuki said blankly.
"Me too," Leon nodded.
"Me three, baby," Stan wailed.
"Definitely..." Link muttered.
"Carrot?" asked Touga.
"... AHAHAHAHAHAHA... Ohhh, man... Yeah, sure Touga... Maybe you could MALE me a few pamphlets! BAAAHAHAHA..."
"Oh, SHUT UP Carrot!"

~~~~END~~~~

And the moral of the story IS:

"Playboys NEVER prosper!"