Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ A Fistful Of Omake ❯ What If Toltiir Raised Ranma? ( Chapter 12 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

0MAKE-----------------

"Put your money where your mouth is, that's all I'm saying," said Fleece.

"ME?!" Toltiir held a paw against his chest. "Impersonate Genma? Are you sure you want to lay that challenge down?"

"You're the one who stated that 'almost anyone would be a more acceptable father than Genma' weren't you?" Fleece studied the cat with a smirk on her face.

"Actually, no, I didn't. Still... the idea has *some* merit." Toltiir blurred and there were suddenly two cats. Another blur and one of the cats looked sort of like Genma.

"Are you supposed to be Genma Saotome?" Nabiki asked in a dry voice. "Genma doesn't wear plaid, much less a kilt..."

"Artistic license."

"..or have rippling muscles..."

"He thinks he does."

"...nor does he have that much hair..."

"Force of habit."

"...and he certainly doesn't play the bagpipe."

Toltiir-genma sagged a little. "No bagpipe?"

Fleece shook her head.

"Well phooey." The bagpipe and Scottish ceremonial outfit was replaced by a dingy, formerly white, gi. "The difference is, *I* can make this look good."

"Right..." Fleece shook her head. "Now... what *are* you doing?"

"Genma" was sitting back in a recliner, a wall screen TV in front of him, clicking a remote control while munching on a bag of Unryuu-brand BBQ Pork Rinds (tm).

The other, more feline looking, Toltiir answered. "Looking for a timeline that's suitably dark and nasty and no fun."

"Got it," said the Genma version. "See, it's one of those multiple crossover thingies, and Crystal Tokyo dies a nasty horrible death when the Swarm come in and destroy everything. So..."

--------------

Queen Serenity, formerly a girl named Usagi, dropped unconscious and dying - she'd thrown everything she had into the battle. Nothing had worked.

Sailor Pluto panted slightly, watching as the energy-beings known as The Swarm entered the Palace. Everything that could be done had been done, every force that could be brought to bear had been. In the first thirty minutes since the Swarm had entered the solar system, fifteen billion people had died. Including all the Inner Senshi.

"Now if you look to the right, you'll see the burning remains of Crystal Tokyo," said a black furred cat walking on his hind legs and holding a tall pennant in one hand. The pennant read "Temporal Tours".

"Who? What? Where?" Sailor Pluto wasn't quite ready for this.

"Oh, excuse me, my business card." The cat handed Sailor Pluto a card and placed another in the mouth of the fallen Serenity.

"'Toltiir, former god of Chaos, Elder god of Mischief,'" read the red-eyed Senshi.

"Now my deal, SetSunny, is quite simple," Toltiir waved a paw. The Swarm, millions of energy absorbing creatures a dozen times more powerful individually than an Eternal form Senshi, abruptly turned into koosh balls. "I *could* respect the sanctity of the timeline and not do anything, leaving the Swarm to extinguish all life in this solar system."

Sailor Pluto blinked as she realized one of the semi-transparent beings had apparently made it as far as this room, as a koosh ball had just dropped from the ceiling. "O-kaaay." The Senshi of Time was still feeling a little numb. She was alive, and her Queen was alive, so she was listening.

The cat abruptly became a labcoated individual with wild hair. Setsuna immediately recognized Christopher Lloyd's character from "Back To The Future." "Or I could just accept that this is an unhappy ending and make an alteration. The K'Tee, you see, are a nonsentient lifeform - about as intelligent as a bee when you consider 'em as individuals. Hive structure - in a manner of speaking - so a full Swarm is about as intelligent as a pack of wolves."

"Ah," said the Guardian Of The Gate Of Time as she listened, aware that the Queen was also conscious and listening now.

"The Swarm developed in the furnace of a galactic core," continued the professor. "Any force used against them will be absorbed. They are drawn to forces of Order, and the more powerful and regulated, the more they're drawn to it. So, in any universe where there is a Swarm and the sort of heavily regulated Crystal Tokyo you've built here, they'll swarm right over you."

"All my citizens, all those people." Serenity drew herself up. "What must we do?"

"Simple," said the Professor, materializing a blackboard and scribbling on it. " A little less predictibility and a twist in the past. I prescribe a Chaos Factor. This will keep your own forces stronger and provide a degree of defense."

"No, Crystal Tokyo must be..." Sailor Pluto slumped. "Never mind."

Another blur and the professor changed to a circa 1965 California surfer boy. "Like, dudes, check out the window. That's, like, the present-future we be talkin' about as a possible. If ya think it's something ya can deal with, then just give me permission to engage an Inner Senshi to a guy named Ranma Saotome."

"You have *this* level of power," said Setsuna Meiou, gesturing outside at the crowded plaza. "Why not just do it?"

The surfer grinned and shrugged. "Hey, it's *your* timeline. Might as well ask permission."

"If it would benefit the people," said Serenity as she listened to distant music carried to the window on the breeze, "I would engage *all* the Senshi to this man."

The surfer looked startled for a moment then laughed. "Oh, I can definitely work with that."

-----------

Genma tossed the little boy into the pit. He hadn't been able to read the waterlogged manual that well. Ne-something had to be in the pit. After some contemplation and looking around, he'd been able to gather up hundreds of hungry "nezu" - rats. Starving them and keeping them for several days in a pit, Genma had at last been ready to teach his son this invincible technique.

"AAAAAAAAA! Daddy! They're biting me!"

Genma sighed. What a weak little child he was to train. "Stop whining like a little girl!"

"Aaaaaa-***"

Toltiir frowned. This was decidedly *not* funny. Which would never do, obviously. No. Not even vaguely. How to correct this, that was the question. Something subtle and tasteful. Ah, there we go. Perfect.

Genma blinked as a black cat ran around him, counter clockwise, thirteen times, while some music box played "Pop Goes The Weasel" in the background. He had barely touched that bottle of sake, so this was *most* peculiar.

*WHAM!*

Genma picked himself up, wondering how in the world a grand piano had landed on top of him. It was a good thing he was a tough martial artist or that could have done serious damage to him!

*CLANG!*

Blinking rapidly, Genma looked at the large metal weight labelled "3 tons" which he had just barely managed to avoid. "This means something." He looked around and could see no sign of that black cat. He glanced up. "EEEP!"

"THOOM!"

Genma began to run, which actually saved him from having Sputnik (or a reasonable facscimile) slamming into his head at high speeds. As it was it created a crater which freed the rats, who naturally fled.

A black cat wearing a cheerleader outfit stood atop a roof, waving pom-poms. "G-E-N-M-A, who the heck gives a hey! Go Genma, Go Genma. The further the better. Thank you." The little pom-poms got thrown away. "Okay. Next."

--------

The little girl looked down shyly, not sure of what she was supposed to do. She'd just come in to visit her mother at work, and she'd found herself ushered into this room with a heavily injured boy.

Said boy looked with his one unbandaged eye at the little girl blushing and fidgeting, who had just handed him a flower. What he was supposed to do with a flower he had no idea. The girl, however, was really nice. "Cute."

Ami blushed even further.

The man outside the room held a finger in front of his lips, and motioned for the lady doctor to follow him to nearby. "You know, poor Ranma could use someone to read to him while his injuries heal. That sort of thing. They seem to get along well."

"You just recovered your son from this thief, I'd think you'd want to spend more time with him yourself," Kumori Mizuno said with a raised eyebrow.

"I think it will take me some time to establish certain legal matters, apparently this false 'Genma Saotome' has ties to the Yakuza. Poor Ranma." The man loosened his tie and scribbled out a check. "Of course, you'll be reimbursed in full for the time your daughter spends with him."

"I'm sorry, but Ami..." Kumori's eyes widened as she noticed the figures on the check he was offering her. "hah?!"

"Of course, I'll make it out to her college fund if you prefer," the man smiled and placed the check in her hands. "My poor son, being horribly abused by that foul imposter, is going to need tutoring and some social instruction before he can come home."

Doctor Mizuno finally dragged her eyes off the numbers to look at the account the check was drawn from. Her knees momentarily sagged. "You're..."

"Please, Doctor. Those of my social standing dislike publicity and the sort of scandal this could cause. Will you assist me in this regard?"

The pediatrician nodded, a little numb.

The man smiled as he looked back at the room. "They get along very well. Hmmmm. By the way, Doctor, since they *do* get along fairly well, perhaps an arrangement should be made."

----------

Toltiir, currently disguised as a dashing young bank CEO with ties to the Imperial Family, flicked a set of keys up into the air and let them hang an extra moment or two in midair before catching them.

So far, things had progressed fairly well.

Ranma's injuries had been fairly extensive, and convincing him that Genma had not been his real father had been fairly easy and not requiring magic. Well, the convincing him part. Especially with the help of both Ami and her mother. People *wanted* to believe that a child's own father wasn't responsible for this.

One week with Ranma and Ami getting along *wonderfully* before one Doctor Kumori Mizuno had gone along with the engagement of her daughter Ami to Ranma Saotome.

Three days had been required for one Makoto Kino to fixate on her sempai. Her father had little problem with the marriage contract, especially as there was a rider on it that Makoto herself could invalidate it when she reached sixteen.

A similar arrangement with a Mr and Mrs Aino had taken two days and a display of wealth. They wanted their little girl (given to theatrics and poor grades even at this age) to be taken care of. Little Minako did seem to get along with little Ranma, so why not?

Toltiir considered Haruka Ten'ou, currently enrolled in a school in Yokohama, and Michiru Kaioh in Chiba. Difficult, but a little wheeling and dealing with the parents had gotten the papers drawn up.

Ukyo Kuonji, even simpler. Though ten years of vengeance and that sort of thing didn't strike the Elder god of mischief as being particularly humorous. So, another open-ended marriage contract, and the dowry was paid to her father who could then use the funds to open a bigger restaurant.

Now things were getting more *interesting*.

--------

Cologne sat back, having her afternoon tea, looking across the practice field and wishing that something less boring would occur. The problem with living this long was that you tended to see it all, and ennui was a constant battle.

"Great Grandmama," piped a perky purple-haired five year old, "do you want more tea?!"

*SPLURSH!*

The now-soaked girl sniffled and put the tea tray down. "...I thought you liked my tea..."

Cologne stared. The boy was nothing special. Well, he had a strong chi. The "Japanese businessman" accompanying him was something else altogether and the first sight of him had caused her to spit tea all over her great (great great) granddaughter.

Another Elder, Cologne's most persistant thorn/opposer, had obviously detected the same thing. As it was a *male*, she responded in her usual fashion. Bi Dea attacked with a blow that should have been instantly fatal. She was moving faster than could be followed by normal eyes, registering only as a blur even to Cologne who could emulate that speed herself.

Bi Dea, a 250 year old Amazon Elder, abruptly ceased to be. Cologne twitched slightly, ignoring Shampoo, as she noted the presence of a baby bawling its lungs out in the shade of a nearby tree. Going quickly to it, and around the Being, Cologne determined that this was a baby *boy* and that he had the same color eyes and hair as Be Dea had possessed. The thin tree was of the same wood as Be Dea's elder staff had been.

Cologne's eyes swiveled back to the strangers and she felt a lurch in her stomach as she noticed the two talking to Shampoo.

Across the distance, the man looked up and seemed to shimmer briefly. For a brief moment Cologne saw the man wearing a pair of winged sandals, a battered hat, and the snake-wrapped staff. Though her tribe had not been Greek, she knew of their legends and immediately placed a name to the Being. (She didn't know that Toltiir had impersonated Hermes a few times, and vice versa (mainly at parties) and that Toltiir was not actually the Greek messenger.) Hermes Trismegus, aka Mercury.

Cologne managed a forced and twitching smile. What do you do when a being capable of annihilating your entire village with an eyetwitch comes visiting? Be very very very *very* polite, of course.

---------

"So, what to do about the engagement between Ranma and Shampoo?" Toltiir smiled at the old woman.

"She can't be engaged to him," said Cologne as politely as possible. "He hasn't defeated her in combat."

"AHHH! Okay, Shampoo give up."

Cologne winced and looked outside to see where the boy had pinned Shampoo in an impromptu wrestling match. "Uhm, well... "

"Look, Cologne, do you mind if I call you Cologne?" The sometimes-cat said with a shake of his head. "If you honestly don't want Shampoo to be engaged to Ranma, that's fine."

"Good," sighed Cologne with relief. "No offense, but the Greek pantheon has never struck me as a particularly stable group."

Toltiir shrugged. "Most of the playwrights and historians were agnostics or atheists if you recall. They tended to slant things their own way. Hebe, for example, can be a real party animal - not that this ever came out in any of their dramas. Athena is much less stuck up and formal than you'd think, and Ares has recently mellowed out quite a bit."

"I... see..."

"Though I *really* want there to be a relationship between Ranma and Shampoo," continued the mischievous Elder. "They get along fairly well. Better than Mousse and Shampoo."

Cologne admitted that was so, but was still looking to distance herself from the Being.

"Rival with a grudge? Nah, too likely to turn Dark and Brooding. I don't care for Dark and Brooding. Besides, if he has *any* sort of connection to Shampoo, Mousse will be out for blood. Sister and Brother maybe? Nah, that's been done too often. Best friend and buddy? It's a possibility..." Hermes tapped his fingers briefly on the table, thinking and checking neighboring timelines. He didn't want to duplicate anything too much.

"Awww! What you do that for?"

Toltiir and Cologne blinked and as one turned to where Shampoo was flipping an enraged Mousse off and Ranma was wiping his mouth.

"Shampoo, did you give the Kiss Of Marriage to that boy?" Cologne knew she wouldn't like the answer.

"No, Great Grandmama."

Sigh of relief from Cologne.

"Tried to but I messed up." Shampoo went on to explain exactly *what* she had done wrong. Though her voice trailed off when she realized her Great Grandmother was twitching.

--------

Soun Tendo flipped through the mail half-heartedly. Bill, bill, bill, collection notice, postcard from the wife who had dumped him for another woman, bill, flyer for a new laundromat and sake bar, bill, bill, odd letter.

Focussing on the odd and official looking letter, Soun slit it open before he could settle down with the postcard and bawl his head off.

"Dear Mister Soun Tendo,

"Congratulations!
You and your family have won an all expense paid trip to Northwestern China!
Simply call this toll free number to confirm and make the schedule for a week in rustic China touring some of the lesser known sights. Great bargains. Great food. Great opportunities.
Henshin Tours"

Soun smiled. Just the thing for everyone to get out of the house and maybe begin to put their lives together again!

-------

Toltiir dusted his hands off. Jusenkyo had been *so* boring. Spring Of Drowned Girl? Ho hum. Spring Of Drowned Panda? Borrring. Spring Of Drowned Piglet? Been there, done that. Spring Of Drowned Cat? Dull, dull, dull. Spring Of Drowned Carp? Absolutely no fun *there*.

While he had thought about the possibilities, he'd idly altered the composition of the planet Uranus to 75% alcohol/15% fruit juice/10% water, with repercussions that were not immediately obvious. One of the proto moons orbitting that planet was altered to solidly frozen whipped cream at the same time.

After a long session (altering slightly to appear as a generic paint-spattered French artist), of "tweaking" the Cursed Springs, Toltiir was ready. A new template here, merging templates there, switching things around thus and so. He wasn't quite satisfied with the results, but nothing better had suddenly occurred to him.

Spring Of Drowned Catgirl had been a nod to Bast and that Grey fellow, irresistable in its way.

There were a lot of "mythological being" springs now. A few endangered species, and Panda had been altered to Hyperfertile Female Panda just to be nice. Certainly it would make the World Wildlife types happier.

Still, Toltiir knew that restraint was *not* one of his usual qualities and he couldn't restrain himself to such tiny little things constantly. He needed to do some Mischief with a capital M.

Genma was out there still. He'd apparently learned that the Widdershins Death From Above curse would only affect him if he were alone and out in the open. For Genma of the "wild and free on the road" lifestyle, this was torture. It didn't matter too much though, Toltiir had other fish to fry.

An idea occurred. In imitation of the human fashion, Toltiir snapped his fingers. Unfortunately this managed to turn Herb of the Musk Dynasty female mentally as well as physically, as well as inflicting a doubly unfortunate desire upon her to start reading romance novels (whatever *they* were). Which would unfortunately keep Herb and her two lieutenants from ever seeking the Unlocking Kettle.

Toltiir's idea was simple. Convince the poor boy that his father had died, come back and possessed a bank manager, then was returning to the grave and would be back later.

What was needed was something to keep the child occupied until he'd worked the large-scale mischief out of his system again.

Ah, just the thing!

The man held his hand out with thumb and pinky extended, then placed the thumb against one ear and the pinky in front of his mouth. A ringing noise echoed off the canyon walls a few moments later.

"Bast? Toltiir. Yeah, can you show up in this timeline for a little while? No, just a few days a week for a year. Use an Avatar or something. What's in it for you? Well, you know that 'Cat Fist Fury' timeline you're having fun with? I'll leave it alone. Good, good. I knew I could count on you."

Hanging up the "phone", the Elder smirked, and began dialing another number. "Hey, Ptah? You know that timeline you've been working on? Yeah, the one you were trying to keep secret from me. Have *I* got a deal for you..."

----ten years later----

Genma looked nervously around. Not that there was anything unusual in this behavior.

For five years he had lived like a troll under a bridge, getting water and food from the river underneath while waiting for someone to come by that could accompany him. It was because he had been stuck underneath that bridge that he had come to realize that one of the rats he'd thrown into the pit had actually been a kappa who had cursed him. For what he had no idea.

However, just in case, he had apologized to any rats or black cats he happened to see.

Finally he had managed to tag along with this boy with a bandana. A mutually beneficial relationship. As long as he stuck close to Ryouga Hibiki, nothing fell on him. Ryouga benefitted from his direction, both in finding places and in martial arts training. Ranma might be dead, but the school could continue in the Hibiki lad. Genma had even planned on presenting Hibiki as Ranma when the time arrived.

Jusenkyo had rather fouled up that idea.

"Here ya go, Ling Ling," said some gaijin, placing a bundle of bamboo shoots in the chute.

Genma greedily grabbed them, and eyed the opening of the central area of the enclosure. Just because nothing *had* fallen on him didn't mean nothing *would.* He'd grown fairly leery of open areas as a result.

The gaijin looked down at Genma from above, despite the panda ignoring him. "Ya getting some company today, Ling Ling! A *boy* panda."

Genma looked up at the gaijin. Didn't these people know he was Japanese? They should speak Japanese instead of this infernal gabbling in English or Chinese.

--------

The Tendo household was shunned by most of the neighborhood as a center of weirdness unparalleled in the rest of Nerima. Considering that this was Tokyo, and Nerima particularly, this actually had a bit of weight to it.

An angry-sounding hummingbird was a usual visitor at the Tendo place, and this one zipped in the window of the kitchen.

"Oh, hello, Akane. Another bad day at school?" Kasumi splashed hot water on the hummingbird, then handed her sister a bathrobe as the ten inch hummingbird became five foot two inches of naked girl.

"When *isn't* it?" Akane growled as she shrugged the robe into place around her.

"Yuka and Sayuri again?" Kasumi started the next kettle warming. Nabiki would be along shortly, after all.

Akane went into overcute pose and voice. "'But you look so cute like that'! Arrgghh. Some friends they are. That Shiratori girl showed up too. I am *not* a Michelle!"

"She didn't try to catch Nabiki did she?" Kasumi wasn't alarmed. Nabiki had only been caught twice, and managed to escape on her own. Each time she'd also shredded Azusa's little room.

"No, she actually seems to avoid Nabiki for some reason." Akane shrugged. "Hope I can get my clothes back again. I liked that shirt."

"Well, Ukyo-san will usually get them for you," said Kasumi, thinking of that nice okonomiyaki girl that attended Furinkan. "Or that Gos-san."

"Well, it was Yuka and Sayuri, so I expect they'll have them. Unless Kuno decided to grab 'em." Akane let out a deep breath.

"Well, don't go anywhere. Father has some sort of announcement. Oh, here's Nabiki now."

----------

Soun faced his three daughters over the table. Well, it was two daughters and a velociraptor at that particular moment.

"Uhm, today I learned the location of a 'Ranma Saotome'," began Soun.

"Hsssss?! tk-tk-tk-tk-tk."

Sighing heavily, Kasumi got up to check the pot. Coming back and dumping the contents on the large lizard, she then sat next to the dampened Nabiki.

Nabiki pulled a t-shirt out of nowhere and quickly slipped into it. "Thanks, Kasumi. Like I was saying: As in the 'Ranma Saotome' - Japanese prince of Libya?"

"Hmmm. You mean 'Ranma Saotome' - the streetfighting guy rated in 'Martial Artists Monthly' as one of the top ten martial artists in the world?" Akane frowned thoughtfully. Maybe she could get some lessons from the fellow.

"Oh my," said Kasumi who felt she had to contribute her own comment somehow.

"Oh, you've heard of him?" Soun blinked as two of his daughters rolled their eyes and looked exasperated.

"The martial artist hero who went into Libya for a streetfight, was set upon by darn near the entire police force, and ended up conquering the nation?" Nabiki shrugged. "Maybe." Actually if it *was* Ranma, Nabiki had to find out how he had done it. People were still not at all sure how that had occurred, including a number of Libyans. How Libya had gone from impoverished nation to world leader in bioengineered trees and crops, as well as having some of the best desalinization and water dispersement technology on the planet, that was equally puzzling. There was no arguing though: Libya was almost entirely covered with farms and the beginnings of forests now.

"The Ranma Saotome who crushed Sagat and thirty two Muay Thai practitioners when they tried to assassinate him in Bangkok last year? BEFORE his bodyguards could react? And then brushed the entire incident off as 'a light workout'?" Akane made a face as she set a magazine out. "Obnoxious braggart, but yeah I've heard of him."

"Oh my," said Kasumi, noting that the magazine had fallen open to a creased page revealing a young man who was tightly muscled and currently shirtless. "Oh dear, oh my."

"I was being sarcastic, Akane," Nabiki informed her sister.

"May I borrow this magazine, Akane?"

Akane nodded absently to Kasumi. "So what's the deal, Dad?"

Soun drew himself up, trying to look dignified. "When I was training under He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named..."

"You mean Happosai?"

"Don't say that name!!" Soun looked around wildly for a moment. "Nabiki, you know better. In any case my fellow initiate and sufferer was named Genma Saotome. He promised that his son Ranma would marry one of my daughters."

"...hubba hubba..."

Nabiki glanced over at Kasumi and wondered if maybe her elder sister had been spending too much time in the house lately. "Waitaminute. You're saying that one of us is honor bound to marry *Ranma*?!"

"Yes, so we're going to plan a little trip."

Three winces. Remembering the *last* little trip they'd taken.

"Maybe we shouldn't," said Akane. "After all one decent splash and we've got some major problems."

"Not to mention the security around him is likely to be fairly tight." Nabiki sighed. Pity though. She'd love a chance at living in opulent luxury. Preferably in an area where cold water was nowhere to be found.

"Don't worry," said Soun Tendo. "I know what I'm doing."

"Now I'm worried."

"You said it, Kasumi." "Amen, sis."

-------

Ranma sneezed.

"Maybe is just allergies," suggested Shampoo hopefully.

"Lord Ranma, our neighbors are invading! Tanks are coming across our Southern border."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Ranma quite sincerely to the young soldier. Aside from the fact that it made a mess, sooner or later there would be casualties. "Go to Standby. Send out Atsuko." Amazing how tipping over tanks made them essentially useless.

Cologne tsked. "It's not like them to try the same tactics over and over again. It must be a diversion."

"Confirmed," said the soldier, listening to her commlink. "Multiple invasion points. Jets and helicopters. Ground troops as well."

Ranma winced. "Fine. Looks like we'll have to invade *them* to get some peace." At this rate he'd be glad when Usagi got her act together and he could retire.

--------

Ten years on the road had made Ranma a lot of friends and acquaintances, also contacts and those who would later rally to his banner. Some of whom were at the very least "unusual" by local standards, ranging to "downright alien" considering some of the worlds he'd visited.

Some of these had come to Ranma's assistance for no better reason than what they deemed a good cause.

"Red Group, lock S-Foils in attack position."

There were those who had been looking for a home.

"Vipers, charge weapon systems. Enemy detected at 25 klicks."

There were those who had just been looking for a good fight.

"Nichieju calvary. Amazons, we have TARGETS! Are we gonna let Atsuko have all the fun?" "HELL NO!"

There were those who were tired of their former jobs and existence, and wanted to retire to where they wouldn't face a constant life on the run.

"...today is a good day to die... Better them than me."

There were those who didn't quite fit the local paradigm and mainly just wanted to have fun but would become quite upset at attacks on their new homeland.

"Catgirls, to your power armor!" "Nyowrrr!" "For the Pride!"

Finally, there were the odd ducks. Square pegs in a round world where a kingdom as bizarre as Ranma's actually had places where they were not considered quite so odd or freakish as might be the case in Tokyo or some other location.

"GUYVER!" "Armor Up!" "Hmmmph!" "Isn't there another way to resolve this?" "Are we there yet?" "Mercury" "Mars" "Jupiter" "Venus" "Pluto" "Uranus" "Neptune" "(cough) Saturn" "Moon" "Crystal Power, Make Up!"

The invaders possessed fighter jets, combat helicopters, rifle and explosive toting fanatics, tanks, missiles, and superior numbers. The best weaponry cocaine and other drugs could buy.

The defenders were a motley rag-tag collection of heroes and those who wanted to be heroes.

The battle was amazingly one-sided.

---------

"Ahhhh," said the stewardess, tripping and sending a large ice tea towards a certain set of seats.

"Oh dear!" Kasumi leapt to the right from her seat, rather than become a large mountain gorilla.

"Eeek!" Nabiki went from seated to clinging to the ceiling, which was better than having a velociraptor appear on a crowded airplane.

"Vummmmmmmmmm," vummed the hummingbird named Akane.

"Excuse me, miss, do you have any sugar water?" Kasumi well knew how much energy Akane's hummingbird used up, and her tendency on changing back to drink the stuff in gallon jugs.

"Make it *warm* water," advised Nabiki.

---------

Sailor Moon, aka Usagi Tsukino, was *not* the world's greatest mecha pilot. She lacked the enthusiasm of Rei for high energy weaponry, the finesse of Ami, the combat skills of Makoto, and (thankfully) Minako's tendency to sing "Lynn Minmei" songs while engaging the enemy.

Ranma's father had discovered that the Senshi, despite being a sentai team, did not have any cool color-coded mecha. He had brought in some fellow to develop said mecha over Luna's repeated protests. Said fellow (Grape? Green? Grinch?) was now apparently involved in a relationship with one of the Amazons who looked amazingly like Ami. He *had* however, done as he had been bidden (with lots of encouragement from a group of Amazons who could be twins of the Senshi) and built machines which had created facilities which had designed and built what could only be described as giant robots or mecha. Functioning mecha.

Usagi was currently screaming and running around, her actions copied and translated by the Reflex System to the 60 foot tall giant robot White Lion that she'd affectionately named "Kimba." She was also ignoring Rei's radio commentary about "cowardly lions".

"Maybe we should form Sailor Force?" Ami asked from inside the Blue Owl.

"Only if *you* form the head this time, Ami-chan," said Rei in a hopeful voice from her cockpit inside Red Raven.

"Bwahahahahahaha! Take that, you morons! Feel the power of love!"

"Minako-chan is scary," said more than one of the Sailor Team.

Sailor Venus used her Crescent Beam. Receptors accepted the energy, amplified it a hundred fold, and Orange Tiger's "Crescent Howl" attack dug a thirty mile trench in the desert.

"Sailor Moon, use your Healing Escalation to purify that city, that'll stop all the shooting," advised Blue Owl.

"Right!" White Lion paused long enough to form the attack and bathe the city in white light.

--------

Mohammed stopped exhorting the crowd to destroy the infidels that dared to conquer their neighbor Libya. They hadn't allied themselves with Israel after all. Mainly he stopped because of the strange light.

The crowd went silent too as the white light washed over all of them. Was this some technological trick of the evil satanic Americans and their pagan Christianity?

Mohammed blinked repeatedly. Why had he been whipping the crowd into a frenzy of hate anyway? Didn't all this hate and violence merely feed back upon itself in an endless cycle? And if there weren't an Israel, wouldn't it just go back to being one sect of the Faith killing another sect? Which was odd since the Faithful should try to follow Mohammed's preachings. Let the mountain come to you, patience being a primary virtue.

The crowd grew thoughtful themselves. Why *were* they trying to invade anyway? Libya had never been exactly a particularly wealthy or friendly neighbor.

"So we should be trying to curry favor with our neighbors," advised Mohammed, switching tactics. "Their water purification plants, irrigation equipment, and we could turn our desert into farms. Wouldn't it be fitting to become self-sufficient instead of relying on food being shipped in from outside our nation?"

Muttered murmurs of agreement. Lots of food and water sounded good.

"They are not allies of Israel. They are not allies of the United States. *We* should be their allies," argued Mohammed with passion as he got behind this new concept. "What do we have to win by antagonizing them?"

Mutters became encouraging shouts.

"Each of us could live lives of great wealth compared to what we have now! Instead of destroying, we could be building! These people could be our greatest friends!" Mohammed grew ever more passionate as he thought about the possibilities just irrigating the desert and transforming the arid sand to fertile soil through these newcomer's technological wizardry.

More encouraging shouts answered Mohammed's latest exhortation.

---------

"Sad," said Toltiir from where he watched. Being a being of Chaos (though he preferred Mischief which was Chaos with a few waivers and restrictions) the imposition of such a magnitude of Order was less dark and nasty than allowing the war to continue, but not as amusing as it could have been had things progressed a little further.

Hmmm. Maybe it was time for Sailor Moon's major attacks to develop some weird and occasional side effects.

---------

The Tendo plane debarked at New Tokyo International Airport.

Nabiki stared at signs of a technological level decades ahead of what she'd seen in Tokyo.

Akane wondered where the bathroom was.

Kasumi noted how clean everything was and wondered why Akane was hopping up and down. Oh, that's right. Three gallons of sugar water. "There's a ladies room sign over there, Akane."

*Zoom!*

Soun looked over the video displays and lamented over the fact they had arrived while a war was going on. He looked over the power-armor wearing guards with big guns and disdained the reliance on weapons that these people apparently had.

A tram pulled up and a mechanical voice sounded. "Please identify. This unit is seeking Tendo, Soun & Company."

"Yes, that's me." Soun blinked. Talking couches on wheels. What next?

"Excuse me," said the tram. "If you will take a seat, you're expected at the palace."

"We ARE?!" Nabiki looked quite hopeful at this.

"Yes. Hurry please, we want to get started before the crowds get going." The tram gunned his engine a few times.

The Tendos stowed their baggage and took seats, and the little tram raced off.

A few minutes later the door to the Ladies Room opened and Akane stepped out, only to see no trace of her family. "...what...?!" A flash through the moving crowd showed a golf-cart like vehicle whisking them away.

Akane thought for a few moments. There was no way to catch them on foot. That meant... Akane turned to a nearby water fountain.

*SPLASH!*

A ruby-throated hummingbird zipped off at high speeds in pursuit.

-------

Toltiir was a little amused, as things were at last ready to reach that "test point."

-------

"And over to the right is the guest rooms for foreign dignitaries," said the Tram.

Nabiki had been cataloguing apparent value of her surroundings and at first it had been amusing and a way to pass the time. After the first five minutes the grin had faded from her face and she had begun going into shock. After ten minutes in past the gates of the Palace, Nabiki was quite aware that she was a small little tiny fish in the deepest part of the ocean she'd ever been in. This was *beyond* ostentatious. It was "obscenely wealthy" in the outer segments, and then suddenly was much less so - still extremely wealthy but the furnishings were more comfortable and durable than obviously there for show.

"If you look over to the left you'll find the greenhouses where we're trying to breed a better variety of wheat," continued the Tram.

What this translated to for Nabiki was here was someone so incredibly wealthy that they kept up appearances for those who were awed by such things but the inner circle didn't bother with any show of wealth. They were *beyond* wealth or material concerns. This was so very out of her depth that she wasn't sure what she could do about it.

"The kitchens as you can see are on our right now," explained the Tram.

Nabiki blinked. Kasumi had just stepped off the tram?!

-------

The smells had been irresistable. Fresh baked cinnamon and apples, freshly baked bread and meat pie, the unmistakable aroma of Korean Barbeque somehow not overpowering the other fragrances.

Kasumi had been off the annoying talking tram and through the door before any of the others could react. There she stopped, overcome by the sights before her.

Women and men, dressed in aprons, chattering about things in odd languages, but it was what they were doing that stilled her and brought pangs of envy to her heart.

The entire building was a big kitchen. Regular-sized stations sat beside huge scaled-up versions of regular kitchen equipment. Barbequeing chicken and slices of some red meat on grills, vegetables being juggled and sliced in midair, fish being broiled, pies being made, bread being baked.

And over there... an empty spot. Beckoning her.

"Kasumi? Kasumi? Kasumi! Give me a hand with her, Nabiki." Soun didn't understand why his eldest daughter was standing there trembling.

Nabiki looked at the huge kitchens and had a clue. For Kasumi: cooking was a way to center herself, an activity she enjoyed and practiced as an Art even more fastidiously than Akane practiced Anything Goes. THIS was a challenge and even a dream for her. "Come on, Kasumi."

They had to physically lift Kasumi up and onto the tram.

"Ahem," said the tram as they finally got Kasumi loaded again. "As I was saying on the left is our landing pad for our special... ah, you're in luck. Here's some of our special forces."

Nabiki looked at the various armored vehicles, the soldiers, and the combat mecha and leaned closer to her father. "Dad, if you're still planning on forcing this marriage if they're not going for it, I've got one thing to say. Don't."

--------

By the three got to the Audience Room, each of them had gone into shock. Soun with visions of weapons that could slice and dice him, Nabiki with the knowledge that obscene wealth didn't quite cover the whole picture, and Kasumi with (for the first time in her life) kitchen-envy.

Elsewhere, a panicked hummingbird was being chased at high speeds by a cyborg girl named Atsuko (Nuku Nuku) Natsume. ("Pretty birdie!")

Soun nervously looked around. People in power armor, girls with large guns, a small group of scantily dressed cheerleaders (?!) arguing in the corner, and what looked like large combat mecha out of some anime lined up in a row overlooking this place. Soun was planning what to change and what to keep, and would anyone mind if he just took Ranma away so that Ranma could take over the dojo?

"Welcome," said the young boy on the throne in what could easily pass as a military uniform. "Sorry about the mess but we just had to put down an invasion. Dreadfully inconvenient you know."

"Uhm, yes, we're..." Soun glanced at the women on either side of the throne. There was the one big chair, occupied by Ranma. There were also four chairs, two on either side of Ranma, who had young women occupying them. There was also a pair of empties at the furthest on either side of the pigtailed youth.

"Soun Tendo, right? We've been expecting you," said Ranma apparently completely at ease. "I'd like you to meet Ami Mizuno, Minister of Health." This was a girl who looked slightly embarrassed on Ranma's immediate right. "Shampoo, who is liason to the Chinese Amazon contingent here." This was a purple haired girl wearing a modified Chinese banner dress to the immediate left of Ranma, one who looked suspiciously over the newcomers as if assessing their threat. "Ucchan or Ukyo Kuonji, Okonomiyaki Chef Supreme and my retainer." A girl in blue form-fitting power armor nodded at them, but she wasn't smiling and somehow looked very deadly. "Megumi Morisato, representitive of my Mecha Division." A shorthaired girl absorbed in working her laptop computer absent-mindedly waved. "And lastly we come to Setsuna Meiou, chief of Security." This was a haughty and aristocratic looking woman who also looked slightly amused for some reason.

"Uhm, yes, very nice," absent-mindedly mumbled Soun. "Uhm. Your father and I made an agreement several years ago..."

"...to unite the Tendo and Saotome lines so that Ranma could take over your dojo and carry on the Anything Goes school," interrupted Setsuna, "so that you and Genma could retire and play shogi all day and not incidently bypass certain problems with Japanese inheritance taxes on your property."

"Uhm, yes," Soun allowed. "So my three daughters are: Kasumi, she's 19; Nabiki, she's 17; and Akane, she's 16. Pick anyone you like, she'll be your new fiancee."

"There's only two girls here, Tendo-san," pointed out Ukyo.

*Vuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm* *Whoosh!* That being the sound of a panicked hummingbird racing by with a catgirl android in pursuit.

"Uhm, yes, well." Soun wondered when he'd lost control of this situation.

Ranma sighed and leaned back in his chair. "You *do* realize that the people here regard having multiple wives as a desirable thing and a sign of stability in a ruler? And that I already have a few?"

"A few *WIVES*?!" Soun began to go into outraged father mode.

*CLICK-CLICK!* *SHOOM!* *VEEEP!*

Suddenly realizing that weapons were powered up and pointed at him, Soun banished his Demon Head Attack. "Heh heh."

"I'll give them the chance, if they want it, but I'll find jobs for them around here so that they can get to know the place," said Ranma with a nod. "Oh, we'll arrange for you to return home and if they do decide to stay or go we'll arrange transportation for them."

"...but..." Soun glanced around. It looked like a "take it or leave it" sort of deal and he was unlikely to be able to get a better one. "...all right..."

-------

Toltiir sighed happily. "Well, that was *different* at least."

Bast snorted. "So I see. Kasumi goes to work in the kitchens. Nabiki goes to work in Accounting. Nabiki stays honest because group marriage or not, she has her best chance of a comfortable beyond her wildest dreams life that route. Kasumi finds fulfillment in the kitchens and becomes Assistant Head Chef by the end of the year. Akane and Soun return to Nerima to carry on the Anything Goes school. Meanwhile Ranma goes on to have one of the most self-sufficient and technologically capable nations in the region, with a lunar colony developed before his first kid is born."

"Hotaru is rescued from her Mistress 9 persona," pointed out Toltiir as he fast-forwarded. "Hotaru then joins the rest of the Senshi and ends up getting married to Ranma one night when they're celebrating the nation's first satellite launch. Haruka (who is another one of Ranma's fiancees) finds that highspeed combat mecha are something she can really get into, and Michiru (yet another fiancee) becomes an internationally celebrated musician and artist. Because Haruka and Michiru didn't meet until long after becoming Ranma's fiancees, they plan on double-teaming him in *that* department."

Fleece shook her head. "Poor Ranma. So much suffering. Don't you think that lacked restraint though, Toltiir?"

Toltiir sniffed. "Restraint? I'm not into S&M you know. Mischief's my bag."

============