Crossover Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Reason And Accountability ❯ You Think You Had It Tough? ( Chapter 38 )

“Why are we here, weird guy?” complained Ikari Shinji from his seat at the conference table. This was actually my club room, with several of the tables laid out in a semi-circle, student chairs from the stack, and me in the middle. I’d abducted these famous anime characters to Chiba for this conference between them. It was not going smoothly.

Asuka kicked Ikari in the leg, again. I’d healed her eyeball and fixed her broken bones, but she was still pretty ticked off about that whole coma scene in the hospital.

“Um, I must agree. I was in the middle of a painting,” reminded Ayato. He was actually smeared with several shades of blue, some brown, and yellow. Probably another painting of the woman beside him. Haruka was hugging his arm between her small boobs adoringly.

“Haruka, can you stop that?” he pleaded.

“I waited fifteen years for my chance to rescue you from that time bubble, and you called me old. Now I’m not old anymore and the war is over. Get with making babies with me already!” she demanded winsomely. The trouble with de-aging Haruka Shitow is she was still herself inside, and she was READY. I opened up the pharmacy bag and extracted a big economy box of condoms, then placed it in front of her. She stared, mouth open, then smiled.

“Well, I guess we could practice a few times. So why are we still here?” she asked me, a wink of gratitude. I chose not to notice her hard nipples under the thin yellow summer dress. They lived in Okinawa, where it was warm most of the year. 

Zaimokuza kept his mouth shut, though his phone was recording the entire meeting. This was valuable characterization for his novels. None of this antique language. There were actual mecha pilots. Famous ones.

“Did you want to comment on Ikari-san’s complaints about piloting giant robots?” I asked Ayato.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I was just a student on my way home when the city was attacked. Buildings fell on people and people died. Tokyo-3 had retractable buildings and lots of warning and very few people died during the various attacks. Us? I had to kill my best friends. The girl with a crush on me. The guy I played soccer with. I killed them all to win the right to turn my girlfriend back and reformat the entire world. You? You turned the world into red goo. That’s no kind of hardship or success from what I can see,” Ayato admitted, as politely as he could. Asuka kicked Ikari in the leg again.

“Ibuki, Shuunsuke, and Aoyama. Do you have any comments regarding the hardships of mecha piloting?” These were the Dai-Guard pilot team.

“Uh, yeah. I noticed you went on and on about being stuck with an umbilical cable. We had that too. And it takes three pilots to operate our robot. None of this fancy emotion drive.”

“Synchronization. And it hurts when the robot gets hurt,” complained Ikari.

“Whatever. Did you get your pay docked when you used your weapons? We did. You mentioned getting arrested once after an angel fight? That happened to us several times. We had to bulldoze a hundred parked cars that caught on fire, and the insurance company is still docking my pay two years later. You said the missile trucks and tanks were useless against the angels? Same here, but we had to coordinate with the JSDF to keep our funding. And we had to be transported around Japan to fight our Hexagon monsters. They turned up all over the place. Umm. Speaking of, what happened to that woman you arrived with?” asked Shuunsuke. Trust the accountant to notice.

“She took her boyfriend and went to her suite,” I explained. It was across the street from the campus, actually, but Soubu is downtown Chiba, pretty much. Lots of things are close.  

“I hear music?” Haruka said after a moment.

“That’s not the suite. Oh no. That’s the music room,” I cringed.

“They’re being polite, for once,” ground out Asuka. “That was MY Kaji.” She kicked Ikari in the leg again, as if this was his fault.

“Polite?” asked Haruka. There was a warbling yell from Misato louder than the music, that drifted down in pitch after a long moment. Ayato blushed with shame.

“Yes. Like that,” sighed Ikari. “She’s been like that ever since you healed her that one morning, and again after the nuclear mecha incident. Most people die horribly after that many rads, but you just fixed her.”

“Misato deserves better than a horrible death. After second impact, she was badly wounded. How is your sister, by the way?” I asked him. He cringed.

“She discovered the Club Scene. She has no shame at all. Most people can’t wear spandex and body paint in public, much less dance like that. So much jiggling,” he complained, extremely embarrassed. I considered Rei’s figure, and how I’d healed her hormone levels and metabolism. No more blank doll face. Suddenly she’s got feelings, emotions, all sorts of things she’s never felt before. That is probably the most terrifying club girl ever. Particularly since she can create those octagon shields when she feels like it.

“Well, now you get to be the respectable sibling. Try and cope,” I suggested. Ikari gave me a dour look.

“And a big brother. Dad and Doctor Akagi announced she’s pregnant. Do I have you to thank for that?” Ikari asked me. I grinned.

“I healed her on the elevator that one time. Less work than Misato, but the cosmetic repair and hormones to reactivate her fertility? Priceless. Just think, you can corrupt your sibling or raise them to be a saint, either of which will drive your father bonkers.”

“Huh… that’s… a good point.” Ikari started fantasizing so I left him to it.

“Girls, do you have anything to offer?” I asked them through the video conference. They were in space on their battleship.

“At least you have air. We have to program all the moves using keyboards and scripting language we created from scratch because the original was so terrible. We defended earth from the giant space vag portal out beyond Pluto, where the aliens have been arriving. Something about the gravity well makes their attempts closer in fall apart quickly. We got lucky. But this is nothing like fighting. This is programming under pressure. Get the timing wrong or miss a command letter spelling and we break the robot and die in the vacuum of space when the alien counterattacks. You think defending a nice big city that’s evacuated is tough? Try defending a spaceship the size of a huge building filled with air and people, and any part breaks we either fix or die trying,” their spokes-girl explained.

“Sounds pretty awful. How about you Pilot Tenkawa?” I asked the second screen.

“I’m a cook, dammiiiittt,” complained the pilot. He appeared to be piloting against any mecha again.

“Cook Tenkawa, Second Class, report!” I demanded.

“I’m only answering because you fixed my sense of smell,” he warned me. I sighed.

“Right. Go ahead,” I requested calmly.

“Well, piloting is really scary. I mean, most of you have really huge mecha. Mine is small. It’s a transforming space fighter that turns into a robot that’s around twelve meters tall. Its engines work in space, so you have to learn how vectors work and slowing down using the gyros to help flip the plane around in partial transformation. Its hard work. And I wouldn’t do it if Yurika didn’t beg me. I’d much rather just stay in the kitchen and cook delicious food.”

“Well said,” agreed Ayato. “I never wanted to fight. I wanted to paint. When the war was over and I’d won, I went back to painting.”

“Umm… who are you?” Ikari asked the small Japanese girl. “And where is your skirt?”

“I’m Private Miyafuji, 501st Joint Strike Wing,” said the little girl very seriously.

“She’s my apprentice,” I admitted.

“I am? I mean, you’ll train me?” she asked, super excited, like a puppy. Ears and a tail emerged. It was adorable, and something that startled everyone in the room.

“Only if you can get along with Komachi. If you do, I’ll start training you on advanced healing techniques. Maybe you won’t burn out your mana that way.”

“Are you a mecha pilot?” asked Asuka, taking a break from kicking her bo… Shinji. Give a girl a pearl necklace you better give her a ring.

“I’m a pilot. My aircraft attaches to my legs to let me fly,” the girl explained.

“You have… plane legs?” confirmed Ibuki. She looked very confused and her face was full of disbelief.

“Think of them as a modernized and faster form of a witches’ broom,” I suggested. Miyafuji nodded her head in agreement.

“Yes, like that. My body is the fuselage and my magic is the wings. I fight with magic and my trusty Type 99-2 Kai heavy machinegun.”

“A Kai. I don’t know that model,” I admitted.

“It uses 12.7x99mm ammunition.”

“That’s 50 Browning,” confirmed Asuka. “You can fire that offhand?”

“I’m a witch. We’re very strong,” confirmed little Miyafuji.  

“So long as your mana lasts,” I reminded. Everyone nodded about that limitation.

“So Shinji, there’s someone I wanted to introduce you to,” I began.

“Is it another mecha pilot who had it tougher than I did?” he asked sarcastically.

“No, she’s a musician. Very shy. She’s got a WePipe channel but hides her identity, goes by Bocchi there.”

“Eh? I’ve heard of her,” piped up Yoshiteru.

“I happen to know where she lives,” I explained.

“Are you a stalker?” asked Asuka suspiciously.

“You like Kaji. Eventually Misato is going to be pregnant and he’s going to need a Side Piece, meaning you. Let Shinji have a girlfriend so you don’t have to deal with him anymore. Nobody here is counting on you to repopulate the Earth.”

“I… can live with that,” Asuka admitted. I think she’s too young for it, but try to tell an Eva pilot anything normal and they get very huffy.

“What about us?” asked Ayato and the three Dai-Guard pilots.

“We don’t have Kaiju here, so do what you like. Consider this a vacation. There’s Tokyo Theme Park a couple stops away by monorail over that direction,” I pointed. It was still in Chiba, but what do I care? They nodded at the idea and headed out.

“Come along Shinji. Bring your cello,” I urged. He picked it up from the back of the room.

“I wondered why you got me this,” he said in his more typical quiet voice. When he wasn’t in berserker mode, he was okay to be around. Asuka had gone to peep on Misato and Kaji, probably. I’m not thinking about that scene whatsoever.

We quickly left the school, changing shoes, and boarded the train, then changed trains for Tokyo. We entered the city core and then changed trains again to get out to one of the suburbs. In a city of nearly twenty million people you get a lot of suburbs and districts. We exited onto a smaller commuter line, then a bus, then walked multiple blocks into a general type of neighborhood of houses. I followed the directions on my phone and arrived at a house whose nameplate read Goto. I opened the gate and let Shinji in. I rang the bell.

“Who is it?” asked a tiny person. That would be her sister.

“Is Hitori there? Please tell her that Hikigaya and Ikari-san have come to visit,” I announced. The girl peered at us, then bade us wait in the entryway.

“Hitori! Strange boys to see you!” she called up the stairs. There was no answer. She stormed up the staircase, thumping loudly despite her tiny size, being all of ten years old, probably. She flung open a door.

“Gah! Futari! Don’t barge into my room! I was recording,” said a girls voice.

“There are boys downstairs to see you. Handsome boys. To see you!” little Futari shouted.

“Gah!” replied the older girls voice, followed by muttering. Several minutes elapsed. Then a shy girl’s face peered down the stairwell from the darkness.

“Hitori-san, come down to play!” I called. The face blinked owlishly.

“I don’t know you. Go away!” Hitori responded.

“Oh, come now Bocchi! I want to introduce you to my friend Shinji. He’s come a long way to meet you. He plays the cello. Come on Shinji, step forward so she can see you.”

He did. There was an intake of breath.

“Hello?” he said quietly.

“Did … Ikari Shinji? Is that your real name? You look a lot like him,” she admitted. He looked to me with a question on his face.

“You’re a celebrity here,” I answered truthfully.

“Huh,” he said, then drifted towards the stairs.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“It’s my cello,” he answered.

The following exchange between two of the shyest people in anime history was sort of like watching one of those saccharine romance commercials but in really slow motion. They gradually started talking music together, then played for each other, then recorded a session between electric guitar and cello, because why not? I made them snacks with the help of the little sister, Futari. She was cheered up by the existence of friends for her big sister who’d been on the path of becoming a hikkikomori until recently, after joining Kesshoku Band.

“So you know about her WePipe channel then?” the girl asked.

“Yeah. She’s a minor celebrity. Not as secret as she thinks, but people don’t admit to knowing her identity because we don’t want her to stop playing. Can’t scare her off, after all. It is obvious how shy she is. I saw that one concert she did inside the cardboard box suit. That was hilarious,” I laughed.

“So is that Ikari guy okay? They’ve been up there alone for a while,” she asked.

“If they’re doing something you don’t want to see, let’s just leave them be. You don’t want to scare them apart, do you?” I pointed out. Futari shook her head no.

Some hours later I got to chat with her parents and introduce Shinji to them. He was his usual shy self.

“Got her contact information?” I confirmed. He nodded.

“And you’re going to start apartment hunting? Maybe go to her high school?”

“I saved the world. Do I need a high school diploma?” he asked.

“Not this world, and yes you do. Lectures on Third Impact aren’t going to help you get a job or make a living,” I reminded him. He sighed.

“You’ll look different in a new uniform. Maybe a false name will help, so nobody connects you with your exploits. Try eating better, and work out a little,” I suggested. “Only do it for yourself. I think she likes you the way you are.” He nodded stiffly.

So that was something. Playing matchmaker for the two shyest people in the universe.