Digimon Fan Fiction / Pokemon Fan Fiction / Pokemon Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Around The Anime Horn ❯ Opening Day ( Chapter 1 )

AROUND THE ANIME HORN

A/N: "Around The Anime Horn" is my debut on mediaminer.org. For those that don't know, this fanfic is based on a show on the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) where the "Around the Horn" czar (scorekeeper) Max Kellerman hosts an all out banterfest between four panelists that are actually some of the top sports columnists in the nation. To prevent the arguments from going to far, Max uses mute buttons to keep the players in check. One half-hour of bantering will lead up to an eventual winner out of the four. That person will get 15 seconds to say what they want.

The only three things I am doing differently are replacing the host with a character of non-anime, replacing the sports columnists with anime stars, and its not just about sports. Remember, I own nothing.

Without further adieu… let the nonstop party begin!

Day 1: Opening Day (Recorded January 27, 2003)

Imagine yourself at the TV screen. You see what appears to be a humanoid version of the PBS character Arthur Read. The only difference is that he appears to look like he is in his mid-teens (we'll say 15) and he is standing in front of a desk with some notes, joysticks, and buttons. He is also ahead of four fiberoptic screens, only Read is the only person we see as he delivers his opening message.

Arthur Read: These four things I know are true. Yes, its Opening Day at the guilty pleasure. If you get sick, you can't really put your head between your knees. If you see someone on the how you know, do NOT call in, and I am Art Read. This is Around The Anime Horn!

(10-second intro plays)

Voice Over: This is Around The Anime Horn: The show of competitive banter. Now Arthur Read!

Read: This is the guilty pleasure circus, and I am the ringmaster. Let's now introduce our Anime superstars from across the country.

From left to right, we see from Yu-Gi-Oh! It is Seto Kaiba, from Digimon Frontier it is Kouichi Kimura, from Pokemon: Master Quest it is Ash Ketcham, and from Digimon Adventure 02 it is Daisuke Motomiya. Read introduces the quintet and goes over the rules.

Read: Our panelists will be judged on a P.S.I. system.

Point of view

Style

Information

In the first two rounds, for your O.K. answers, you get one point, for good answers, you get two points, and for great answers, you get three points. For any worthless answers, a contestant gets a MUTE meaning a loss of five points. At the end of the second and fourth rounds we will eliminate the player with the lowest point total. Its like figure skating judging without the support of the Russians. Let's begin!

Voice Over: It's the Opening Remarks!

Read: Our first opening remark is Jerry Springer. The talk show host of the show of the same name has decided to throw his name in the hat of being a potential U.S. Senator for the state of Ohio. His show was recently voted the worst of all time and Springer was a former mayor of Cincinnati. The question is with Springer's reputation, what changes do you think could occur as a result of his election? Around the Horn to Seto Kaiba.

Kaiba: As a proud Jewishman and refugee of the Holocaust, I think that Springer will fight against the mistreatment of Jews (two points given) and also fight against possible war with Iraq.

Motomiya: Oh! Come off it Kaiba! Look, Springer came from the laughingstock of the Big Ten, Northwestern (three points given), he hired the head writer of the Weekly World News to spice up ratings, and if I know Jerry, he'd probably hire bodyguard Steve Wilkos as his personal assistant (another three points given).

Kimura: I feel you, Davis, but you left out the fact that he was known by a first name basis by the prostitutes of Cincinnati (MUTE, because it was only one prostitute, at -5)

Read: Well yes Kouichi, but you left out the fact that it was just one prostitute. But here is one for Ash. Do you think that because of the popularity of Springer, it could be an advantage to his campaign chances?

Ketcham: Well, I don't think it will hurt him that much at all. And if you have been paying attention to the television and variety programs this week, you'll see that he has made appearances on "Who's Line" and "Hollywood Squares" to bolster his potential campaign. (two points given; on the board with 2)

Kaiba and Motomiya want a crack at what to say next. This gives Davis his first MUTE of the day sending him to one point.

Read: Go on, Kaiba.

Kaiba: I just want to add on to what Kimura said. Because Jerry told people about this matter, it might have ruined his marriage, but he was praised for his honesty. (Two points given; now at 4) We might actually see a real life "Mister Sterling" if he can bring that attitude to Capitol Hill.

Kimura: What I have been trying to say is that with a past like Springer's past, we have been dealt quite the low-power defense card. (Three points given for his Yu-Gi-Oh! remark; now at -2) But if Springer is elected into an office of the federal government, I believe that he will be received like any other new Senator. And Kaiba, if Springer is going to fight something, it might be conditions that his daughter had. (two points given; now at 0)

(horn blares)

Read: Ash, you have the last word.

Ketcham: If any of you are old enough to remember, that was the original premise of the show until Dominick came in with his TV trash motive. The original Jerry Springer Show was based on political issues and the people we point and stare at with a "Final Thought" at the end. (two points given; now at 4)

Read: If you want my opinion, I say good luck Jerry, but it could be hard considering his past and present. Next topic! It has been nearly a week since the Ohio High School Athletic Commission declared that Gloria James, his mother, did not violate LeBron's amateur status by taking out a loan to give James a HUMMER H2 for his eighteenth birthday. The question is, given a specific timeframe such as a day, week, or month, when do you think LeBron's close calls will get the best of the high school phenom. Around the Horn to Kouichi Kimura.

Kimura: Now I know this for a fact. You wanted me to give you a timeframe? I'll give you three letters N-O-W! (three points given; now at 3) LeBron right now can have any contractual obligations with any product or service, but this young man has to obligate himself to staying healthy and playing great ball or everything will go away that fast.

Motomiya: You know, I was quoted once, as saying that Gloria James is a genius for taking out that loan and I will stand behind my word. (one point given; now at two) When it comes to a timetable, I'll say within the week, the Ohio HS Athletic Commission will watch this guy like a hawk for any and all false moves, and trust me, the will catch him, no pun intended. (three points given; now at 5)

Ketcham: Hey, speaking of the devil, (immediately given three points; now at 7) but seriously, with all the things he was able to get away with now, I think that he won't be caught and will play the rest of the season filled with much controversy, but James will get away with it scot-free.

Kaiba (with some sarcasm): Look Ash, I think your hat is cutting off the circulation to your brain (two points given; now at 6). If you think for one second that James won't be caught, then you're fooling yourself. I say within the next two months, James' amateur status no longer exists because of a mistake he made.

The other three panelist are about to chime in with their remarks, but Read wants to give his remark.

Read: You know, you all make good points with the exception of Ash (takes off one point; now to six). With Ohio looking at him so closely, it will be hard to run away from their long arm like a Steve McQueen or an '03 Bonnie & Clyde. But this one is for Davis. If is amateur status is taken away, it is not expected to ruin his chances of going to the NBA as the first pick overall, but tell me who will be affected because of his decisions?

Ketcham: Well I feel…(gets a MUTE; down to 1)

Read: I said Davis.

Motomiya: This is an easy one. The entire school of Saint Vincent-Saint Mary will look at James as the Benedict Arnold of the 21st Century. But I also expect that to all go away when LeBron gets his first contract from the team that drafts him first overall. (three points given; now at 8)

Kimura: Well, I'm not sure that he will be labeled as a traitor by anyone at SVSM but every female at that school is going to want to have his child (only one point given; now at 4).

Ketcham: Come on Kouichi! You realize that nobody has babies the old fashioned way anymore? And speaking of genes, maybe LeBron should strike a deal with Clonaid and donate his sperm so we can have more prodigies like him! (three points given; now at 4)

Kaiba: Do you realize what you are saying? If he did that, he would probably still lose his eligibility. And we would be singing the praises of Bridgitte Blossier and Rael. Yuck! (three points given; now at 9)

(horn blares)

Read: All I have to say is that one of his favorite items are throwback jerseys. If these companies find his weakness, his eligibility goes bye-bye. That was the horn and the end of the opening remarks. We'll use it or lose it next!

After the first round, here are the scores:

Seto Kaiba: 9 points

Kouichi Kimura: 4 points

Ash Ketcham: 4 points

Daisuke Motomiya: 8 points

Voice Over: Use It… Or Lose It!

Art Read: You heard the voice over! We give our panelists topics and they tell us if they'd use it or lose it. First topic! It's the Disney Channel and over the last 17 months, Disney has debuted three alleged hit series, The Proud Family, Kim Possible, and That's So Raven. Disney pulling out all the stops to give people reasons to watch their programming, do you use it or lose it, Kaiba?

Kaiba: I use it because they seem to be doing a lot better than the people that write my check, AOL Time Warner. Besides, I find their scripts to be for a more mature audience that can understand the material and can decipher the jokes. (two points given; now at 11).

Kouichi: If you looked at this from a fans point of view, it is definitely a lose it because people loved the pointless jokes that FOX and Saban did with their version of Digimon. (two points given; now at 6) But I will use it, not because they sign my check, but because these are the same people that did Princess Monoke's dub. (two more points; now at 8)

Ketcham: I will use it. You have to look at these three shows individually. First, The Proud Family is good because it is today's version of The Cosby Show and Good Times, Kim Possible makes me remember the independent heroines of comic books and manga I own (three points given; now at 7), and it's too early to tell for That's So Raven.

Motomiya: I'll lose this because although they are taking on the challenge of producing three quality shows, the Disney Channel appears to be losing to Kids WB! And even, dare I say it, the FOX BOX. (two points given; now at 11)

The only excuse I can give is that we are all getting older.

Read: Not only that, but we are all becoming the wiser to the advertising techniques of the Disney vice. Next topic!

Kaiba: How long did it take you to figure that one out? (gets a MUTE; now at 6)

Read: As long as it took me to MUTE you! Next Topic! The company that owns The Price Is Right, Freemantle Media, announced that on February 5, they would have another primetime special subtitled as The Million-Dollar Challenge. Hey, voice-over, what do you think of Bob's immortality?

Voice Over: Everyone knows that he is second only to Dick Clark in maintaining his looks.

Read: Exactly. The question is, do you use or lose The Price Is Right in primetime, Kouichi?

Kimura: You lose it because if it ain't broke, don't fix it. The Price Is Right is celebrating its 32nd anniversary this year and the only place for Barker is daytime. (two points given; now at 10)

Ketcham: I agree with Kouichi. But he has to remember that Freemantle will only give The Price Is Right a few specials a year without much an overkill on CBS. You lose this. (one point given; now at 8)

Motomiya: You use it because not many people are home to watch The Price Is Right, you make the prizes five times worth what they would be in daytime and you've got yourself a ratings coup. (two points given; now at 13)

Kaiba: I will use it as long as Dian Parkinson or Holly Hallstrom don't try to be contestants (three points given; now at 9) or Rod Roddy has to host in one of those Elton John outfits (another two points given; now 11)

Read: I agree with all of you especially Kaiba. As long as there is no overkill on the primetime specials, something special can be done. Next Topic! Ted Turner, who is the largest shareholder of AOL Time Warner stock decided that he would leave the boardroom as an executive. This was done after the company reported a near 100 billion-dollar loss. The question is what should Ted Turner do now? Use the stock outside of the boardroom or lose it Ash?

Ketcham: If Ted was a madman, he would become a recluse whose main task everyday would be to play darts on a board with Jane Fonda's picture on it. (three points given; now at 11) This leads up to Ted doing the real thing.

Motomiya: Hey Ash, this was the guy that signed your check and gave you and several superstars like you a home. Ted should just buy back the Atlanta Braves and revert his stock into cold hard cash. (two points given; now at 15)

Kaiba: Ted should go on a buying frenzy. The first thing he can do is buy the Ottawa Senators and buy back the Atlanta franchises he owned and send them to other places in the United States. (two points given; now 13)

Kimura: Maybe Ted should buy back his networks (CNN, TNT, TBS,CN) and make that sale of CNN to Disney so that ABC can ruin that like they do everything else. This is spoken from experience. They'll probably turn it into the Wonderful world of Who Cares News. (three points given; now at 13)

Read: Yes. Spoken from the experience of Kouichi Kimura. That's kind of scary. Next Topic! After Super Bowl XXXVII, people who weren't working tomorrow sat down to Jimmy Kimmel Live at 12:05et. The question is how would you describe ABC's desperate attempt of breaking into late night in one word? Would you use it or lose it Davis?

Motomiya: I'll lose it and the one word is Disney. (one point given; now at 16)

Kaiba: I'll lose it and my one word is monotone. (two points given; now at 15)

Kimura: I'll use it and my one word is paycheck (three points; now at 16)

Ketcham: I'll use it for the moment and my one word is procrastination (three points given; now at 14)

(horn blares)

Read: Great opinions by all of you and my one word is elimination, which is what we are going to do to Ash Ketcham right now!

Ash waves goodbye to the panel and host. His picture is replaced by what you would normally see in a yearbook when a student did not have a picture taken.

Read: there goes Ash, we will do Selected Response next!

A commercial break is taken and at the end the voice over opens with a recap.

Voice Over: This is Around The Anime Horn and after two rounds, here's how they stand!

Seto Kaiba: 15

Kouichi Kimura: 16

Daisuke Motomiya: 16

And Ash Ketcham had to leave for another public appearance!

And now, its selected response!

Art Read: Here is an original game that cannot be seen on Around The Horn, this is Selected Response where our three remaining panelists must choose between three envelopes that have one question in them each. The panelists must answer the question to the best of their ability in only ten seconds. Whoever gave the best response wins the majority of a 14-point spread. (First place gets seven points, second place, four and third place, three) Kaiba, as the panelist with the lowest score, please select between envelope A, B, or C to give to Davis.

Kaiba: I'll pick envelope B.

Read: In envelope B, we have the subject of Saturday Night Live and the question is, which SNL alumni has had the best career outside of Lorne Michaels' creation? We will start with Daisuke Motomiya. You have 10 seconds and your time starts now.

Motomiya: He was one of the pioneers of making us laugh until we went all over ourselves. Even though he started out as second banana to Nick Nolte, it was Eddie Murphy who had the better career and better sex life.

Read: I won't comment, but good answer Davis! All right Kaiba, ten seconds and your time starts now.

Kaiba: I think that for overall talent, you can't beat Adam Sandler. The Chanukah Song was made world famous and with the exception of movies where he doesn't sing, he has had the more well rounded career.

Read: Very fact filled and I do like the Chanukah Song and a good book for bed. We won't go into details. Ok Kouichi, 10 seconds and your time starts now.

Kimura: Your both wrong because only Steve Martin is recognized as one of the original nighttime players and is the only one that has taken a serious step into both romantic comedies and dramas.

Read: Yeah, that is true, but all of these guys have made it to doing dramas at one point or another. Murphy laid down a path for many African-Americans at the time and only made his best films in the 80s and early to mid-90s. Sandler is only great when he sings. I'm giving the seven points to Kaiba, giving him 22, four points to Motomiya, giving him 20 and three points to Kimura, giving him 19. Kouichi, since you are now last, you have your choice of either A or C. Which one?

Kimura: I'll take envelope A.

Read: In envelope A, the subject is Formula 1 racing and the question is, with the recent changes to the F1 rulebook that were expected to make F1 less cost-driven over the next four years, who benefits at the start of the British Grand Prix at Silverstone when these changes are made? We will start with Seto Kaiba who has ten seconds that start right now.

Kaiba: I really think that the teams that have worked hard with the tire suppliers and have new power like BAR, McLaren, Jaguar and Jordan will have exceedingly better years than in 2002. Also look for Renault to come on stronger.

Read: Kimura, ten seconds and they start right now.

Kimura: This is exactly what Ferrari didn't want to happen. They are the George Steinbrenner of motor sports and the FIA is like MLB. Any decision they make spells bad news for someone and this is expected to be protested on death's ear.

Read: Motomiya, you have ten seconds right now.

Motomiya: If you look at this from the point of view of the FIA, you will see that they had lost two teams in the last twelve months and that if nothing else was done, more teams would become insolvent. The best team would be BAR next year.

Read: You all make great points, but Kouichi never even answered the question. Motomiya wins the seven points giving him 27 for that solid answer, Kaiba gets four points, giving him 26, and Kouichi gets the ants share of three points sending him to 22. Envelope C talks about affirmative action, and the question is, now that this issue is being debated in court, do you feel that the admission of people for any position by race should be kept confidential or do minority students need this edge to help in an admissions process? We will start with Kouichi Kimura who has ten seconds that start right now.

Kimura: Unfortunately, I feel that affirmative action is still necessary in a society that is mainly being run by fifty-something white men that still feel that they rule the world. I think with Bush's influence, his case could be upheld.

Read: Motomiya, you have ten seconds now.

Motomiya: Maybe Bush can get some things turned over to his favor, but certainly, he won't be able to eliminate affirmative action, but have the Department of Education review each school's admission process to keep minorities from getting too much of an advantage.

Read: Kaiba, you have ten seconds on affirmative action starting now.

Kaiba: Affirmative Action will of course last, but with every issue that goes to Capitol Hill, there are questions such as what will happen to quotas and how will the admissions process be changed to be more of a representation of the United States. This issue is far from over.

Read: Kaiba, it almost seemed as if you described Affirmative Action rather than its faults. Kouichi had the best point, so he gets the lion's share of seven points, sending him to 29, Motomiya gets four points, sending him to 31, and Kaiba gets three, now giving him 29. That's it for Selected Response, Pop Quiz is next!

After Round three, the scores are:

Seto Kaiba: 29

Kouichi Kimura: 29

Daisuke Motomiya: 31

We're Back to Around The Anime Horn!

Voice Over: It's a Pop Quiz!

Art Read: Another original of Around The Anime Horn, where our three panelists will have to use their memory as I give them two questions related to parts of today's show! If they get one question right, they earn 4 points, get both questions right and get 8 points, and if you get both questions wrong, you will lose five points (equivalent of a MUTE). We begin from left to right with Seto Kaiba. Kaiba, what city was talk show host Jerry Springer born in?

Kaiba: Scotland.

(buzzer sounds)

Read: The correct answer is London, England. Question two to earn four points: What network has Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Carson Daly hosting late night shows.

Kaiba: NBC

(fanfare sounds)

Read: That is the correct answer and you have a grand total of 33 points! But can it stand up against Kouichi Kimura? Kouichi, what is the full name of the doctor Oprah Winfrey hired in 1998 to do an advice column on her show?

Kimura: Philip C. McGraw

(fanfare sounds)

Read: That is the correct answer! On to question two. What U.S. Supreme Court case overturned Plessy v. Ferguson (1894)?

Kimura: I have no idea.

(buzzer sounds)

Read: The correct answer is Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas (1954). That leaves you with a total of 33 points. On to Daisuke Motomiya's first question. In what year was the first FIA Formula 1 World Championship decided?

Motomiya: 1950

(fanfare sounds)

Read: That was the correct answer! For another four points, what domestic car company owns HUMMER?

Motomiya: General Motors

(fanfare sounds)

Read: That gives Davis a total of 35 points! Our two last place finishers are tied, meaning that we will have to use the five-second tiebreaker to decide who goes to the final round with Davis. Our five-second tiebreaker is soft drinks. In five seconds, PEPSI Blue or Vanilla Coke, which is better? We will start with Kouichi Kimura, five seconds start right now.

Kimura: I pick Vanilla Coke over a carbonated Kool-Aid reject any day of the week.

Read: Kaiba, between Vanilla Coke and PEPSI Blue, who would win. You have five seconds starting now.

Kaiba: I want to reward my curiosity, not punish it! Vanilla Coke hands down!

Read: This is hard, but I think I am making the right decision when I pick Kouichi Kimura!

Kaiba: Oh No!

Read: Oh yes Kaiba. And in the words of something I think Kimura would say, Seto must go-go!

Kaiba is dealt the same fate of Ketcham and is eliminated from the final showdown.

Read: We're down to two and the final showdown is next!

We're back for the final Showdown!

Art Read: It's Showdown time where we have eliminated all point totals to come down to one sixty second argument between Kouichi Kimura and Daisuke Motomiya! So I will spin the wheel of argumentative banter to get us started!

Read spins a small carnival wheel with envelopes in each slot. The wheel stops and lands on an envelope that Read takes out and opens.

Read: The winner of the Showdown gets 15 seconds to say what they want. This one is on Ben and J-Lo's engagement. Tell me how the marriage will end? You have sixty seconds and we will start with Davis this round. Ready? Go!

Motomiya: This will obviously end like the relationship with Puff Daddy, now P-Diddy. Nobody knew what was happening with Chris Judd, but it seems like there is no hope for this one because Jennifer is not a one-man woman.

Kimura: No, I have to disagree with you on this one because with the last two relationships, it appeared like nothing could go wrong. When out in the open, they epitomize the couples we wished we had at that time. It's I Love Lucy and Leave it to Beaver all over again!

Motomiya: No, it won't be because Jennifer is one of those types whose favorite dance is the Bunny Hop because she will hop from one of society's heartthrobs to another. It is sad that our society has now chosen to glorify this behavior.

Kimura: I agree with you, but this has been the longest Jennifer has been with a guy without marrying him besides Sean. This could mean happily ever after for Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.

(horn blares)

Read: I think this is a very easy one to call. The winner of Opening Day is… Daisuke Motomiya! Because of your win, you get 15 seconds to say what you want, starting now.

Motomiya: Going back to Springer wanting to run for U.S. Senator, I find myself laughing at my own words, because I remember all that Springer has and will stand for. He is a true hypocrite at heart and feels like he has been told by God to flaunt the ethical indifferences that we can't. Shame on you, Jerry Springer.

(horn blares)

Read: All right. That's all she wrote folks. We'll see you next week when our panelists will be Yugi Mutou, Tomoki Himi, Brock Slate, and Mimi Tachikawa. For all the Around The Anime Horn crew, I am Arthur Read inviting you back here same time next week. Goodnight!

Please R/R for Day: 2 (February 3,2003) The Panel and Cast Remember Columbia.