Digimon Fan Fiction ❯ Fine Art ❯ Muddled Musings ( Chapter 6 )

Dai has PMS! Geez, sure seems that way. This was a very difficult chapter to write about; depression isn't understandable. So, I apologize for its crappiness.

Dai: When are me and Ken going to hook up?

Ken: I haven't even been in the story yet!

Hehe... I'm getting around to it guys. ^^

Dai: Why are you smiling?

Ken: I hate to think about what she has planned.

Dai: Heh. It better include lots of sex.

Ken: Dai!

Oh it does... it does....

Actually, I have no clue. Onto the story!

~*~

"The bell will ring shortly. Please bring your drawings to the front of the class."

Misono's voice woke my from my daydreams and I shook myself back to reality. Huh? I gulped and looked at my blank sheet of paper. Crap.

I had to do something.

But what?

I couldn't draw Ken. I just couldn't. "Crap." I mumbled under my breath. "Just plain old crap." My mind was blank; the only thing I was capable of doing was sweating. Crap.

Think! I ordered myself. Think of something!

Nothing.

And then the bell rang.

Crap.

If I was a girl, I probably would have broken down and cried. I felt as if I had a giant weight on my shoulders, and that I was trapped.

Desperate, I moved my pencil down to the paper. But my hand stopped and I couldn't make myself draw anything.

"Daisuke?"

I blinked, my mind cloudy, as if I had woken up from a dream. Someone had said my name...

"Daisuke? That's your name, right?"

Frowning deeply, I nodded, not looking up.

"The other children have left already, don't you have lunch now?"

Finally, I lifted my head. Misono stood in front of my desk, clutching papers to her chest. She had a death grip on them, as if they'd protect her. Protect her from what? I wondered absently. From me?

Silently, I rose to my feet. "Uh, sorry ma'am. I just... I wasn't able to..." I held out the white sheet of paper. "It hasn't been a good day."

For some reason, Misono relaxed and gave me a bashful smile. "It's okay Daisuke," she said, her voice soft. "I understand. Sometimes, things just don't work."

"Yeah," I didn't feel like having a conversation, so I grabbed my bag and stepped towards the door. She didn't understand. How could she? With a polite bow, I backed out into the hallway, hating her for her assumption and me for my weakness.

~~~

No matter how hard I tried not to, I kept thinking about Ken.

"I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay." I chanted as I flew down the hall. "I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay." Every step reassured me of my heterosexuality, and by the time I reached my locker, I was thoroughly convinced that not only was I strait, but also a major stud.

Feeling better, I slammed my locker shut and strolled towards lunch.

"Hello Daisuke, was art class any better today?"

I turned around. Koushiro, a friendly smile on his face, gave me a quick wave.

I smiled back. "No," I said cheerfully, "It sucked ass."

"I see." Koushiro dropped his smile. "It's understandable though. I have a theory about the..."

I built my mental wall up and blocked his words from entering my head. The last thing I wanted to hear was one of Koushiro's infamous theories of life. Nodding dumbly, I daydreamed of winning soccer matches and Hikari.

Hikari.

I was so totally straight.

"...And so I wrote it as a thirty paged thesis paper, but my teacher refused to accept as the art project."

Alarms went off, waking me up. Finally, Koushiro had finished his story. "Yeah." I chose a word that could be interpreted in any way. "Well, I have to go to lunch."

"Enjoy your meal." Koushiro smiled again and disappeared down the hall.

I ran a hand through my hair. "I thought he'd never shut up," I told Chibimon.

"I like Koushiro."

"Yeah, I do too. But not when I'm hungry."

"Where does he go?" Chibimon poked his head out my bag. "How come he doesn't eat with us."

"He has some kind of smart class thing." I replied with a shrug. "It's a bunch of geeks that group together and say geeky things."

"How come you aren't part of it?"

"Because I'm not a geek." I huffed. I patted his head and gently pushed him back inside my bag. "Because I'm not smart."

Chibimon's answer was lost in the noise as I pushed out of the school and into the sun.

~~~

Wearily I climbed the stairs leading to our apartment. School was draining, and after I returned to the haven of home, I needed a good two hours of rest before I could function again.

I tumbled into my front hallway. Gathering the last bit of my energy, I dragged myself into my kitchen and fell into a chair.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Chibimon scurry into my room. His timing had been perfect, a moment later the harpy known as Jun appeared.

"When's your next soccer game?"

"Get me a cookie and I'll tell you."

Jun groaned. "Fine," she complied with a furious frown. She grabbed a cookie from an open box and chucked it at my head. "So? When is it?"

"Sunday." I stuffed the cookie into my mouth. "Why?" I asked, spitting cookie crumbs onto the table. I brushed them onto the floor, swallowed my snack and wiped my mouth. Feeling a bit re-energized; I was ready to torture my sister.

Jun shrugged. "I figured that if Takeru went, Yama might go too."

I shook my head. "He hardly ever comes to my games." I said, my energy deflating again. "At least, not the ones on Sundays. He and Hikari always go out then."

"Oh," Jun sighed. "Damn."

"Yeah."

My sister stood up. "Nevermind then." With a small wave, she returned to her room.

I sat alone at my kitchen table in silence, trying to piece together my reality.

~~~

"It's like I'm just watching a movie or something." I explained to my Digimon. "Like I'm not really living my life, I'm only watching it." I was sprawled on my bedroom floor, drawing little pictures of me on my math homework.

"That's weird."

"Yeah." I added my goggles to my sketch. "It's been a weird few days, though."

"How so?"

"Well," I drew in the flames on my jacket, "I think that I might not like Hikari the way I used to."

Chibimon tapped his cheek thoughtfully. "That's good then, isn't it? She's going out with Takeru now, so maybe you're beginning to let her go."

"I guess."

"Has anything else been bothering you?"

"Geez," I rolled my eyes, "What are you, my therapist?"

Chibimon looked hurt. "I'm just trying to help you Daisuke."

I knew he was. But I didn't understand what was going on myself, how could he? Even if I did understand, I didn't ant him to know. What if I was changing? What if I changed into something bad? He could leave me.

Chibimon hugged my arm. "I love you Daisuke; you can tell me anything."

"Yeah." I said as I crumbled my homework. "I know."

~~~

"Daisuke, are you doing your homework?" My mother banged on my locked door, "Or are you just goofing off?"

"The first one." I yelled back.

"Good." My mother believed my lie and left me in peace.

Chibimon frowned. "You're not doing your homework Daisuke," he said quietly. "Are you?"

"Nope." I grinned. "I'm drawing a picture, wanna see it?"

"Yes!" Chibimon clapped his tiny hands. "Let me see it!"

I turned my notebook around. "It's Taichi playing soccer," I told him, using my pencil as a pointer. "See? And that's me in the background."

Chibimon 's mouth dropped open. "Wow Daisuke..." He breathed. "It looks so real... It's really good. It's better than good."

Damn, he didn't need to lie about it. I pulled my notebook back, embarrassed and injured. Damn. Just damn. He said that I could tell him anything. Bastard. I knew that I wasn't good at anything. That I'd amount to nothing in life. By lying, he only proved that I couldn't trust him. That he'd rather pretend than face my feeling, than face me. "Yeah, I'm a regular de Vinci," I scoffed, "I'm the best damned artist to walk the goddamn planet Earth since-"

"I meant it Daisuke." Chibimon whispered.

"Don't give me that crap." I rolled my eyes and turned away. The whole world was against me.

"Daisuke!" Chibimon's voice grew even softer. "What's wrong with you?"

What the hell was wrong with me? Suddenly I was smacked by my actions. Chibimon was bravely fighting back his tears, his lower lip quivering. I had taken my anger out on him, on my only true friend in the world. I gathered him in my arms, murmuring an apology.

"Why... are... acting so... strange?" Chibimon asked between quiet sobs.

"I don't know buddy," I said, nuzzling his fuzzy head with my chin. "I'm all screwed up. Nothing's like it used to be."

"Are you still mad at me Daisuke? I really... liked your picture. I wasn't lying."

"I know that, and I'm sorry I yelled at you." Why had I snapped? I couldn't remember it exactly; the past was blurred with tears.

Chibimon was silent for a long time. "Will you draw me sometime?"

I laughed and my body relaxed. "You bet."