Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ "This Can't Be Happening!" ❯ Chaoutzu ( Chapter 2 )

Legal disclaimer: Dragonball and the characters belong to Toriyama and whoever else owns the copyrights.

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Chaotzu cheerily floated into the classroom. The message that Tien had written was tucked safely in his rear pants pocket. He could not believe that the school called to ask him to substitute. Finally, people recognized his expertise. He set up his equipment and surveyed the students. The tiny warrior had never seen a more depressed bunch of sixty people. Oh, well. Maybe his course will cheer them up.

"Class, I will be your instructor today. My name is Chaotzu. The syllabus says that we are to learn about bird nutrition. I think that you will be pleasantly surprised by what I have for you."

"Will it involve any neck wringing?" inquired one nervous and bleary-eyed student.

"No, no. Why would we want to wring their precious necks? Sounds like something Vegeta would do, but I wouldn't. That's silly, not to mention gruesome," chirped the tiniest warrior.

The students exhaled with relief. So, the floating instructor disagreed with the morbid Lord Vegeta. Thank goodness. And he had such a harmless child-like voice. Many students picked up their books and moved toward the front of the classroom. Some even settled in the first row.

"Let's get started, shall we? First, we need to prepare the ingredients for them. I found that grinding up the food into a mash helps with digestion and releases the most flavor."

Their colorful instructor pulled out an apple and a cupful of pine nuts from his bag and expertly chopped them into small chunks before putting them into a food processor to pulverize. The students gasped. The tiny hands moved with the skill of a surgeon's.

"I like to add garlic to the mixture. I'm a firm believer that garlic can cure most sicknesses. So always add a little bit. You don't want to add too much because they might cause tummy aches," Chaotzu warned.

The students nodded and scribbled furiously in their notebooks. Yes, they had heard of that.

A student raised his hand. "Could you go over a list of ingredients?"

"Why it's very simple. Fowl are versatile. They do well with any fruits, vegetables, seeds, and herbs. As long as you don't overwhelm them by adding too much together, then you can't go wrong. I like to limit my mix to three things. And don't forget berries. Berries are yummy." The cute instructor rubbed his tiny tummy for effect.

Pens glided across papers as these aspiring veterinarians jotted down the Professor's tips. Every little bit of information would help with their upcoming exams.

Chaotzu loaded the creamed mixture into a small syringe. He replaced the large-bore metal tip back onto the syringe.

"Sir, shouldn't the tip be rubber so it can flex and not damage the animal?"

"Oh, I tried that, but it didn't work so well for me. I get more control with this metal tip. But if you can use rubber, then go right ahead. We want our chicks nice and full."

More nods to the professor.

"Now, let's address the little ones."

The class leaned forward with anticipation. The tiny professor had brought chicks to do a live feeding demonstration!

Chaotzu removed his babies from their covered container and held up a plucked pigeon.

"AAAAAHHHH!"

"OOOOHH!"

"What the hell?!"

Chaotzu giggled. "I always get that reaction whenever I do this. Surprise! It's not the same boring stuffed chicken or turkey." He giggled some more, pleased with his creativity. "The reason you don't want to wring the neck is that you want to preserve the integrity of the bird for full flavor. You slit the neck and drain the blood." The ghostly pale instructor inserted a thumb into the neck to demonstrate the clean slit. The head of the dead animal wobbled back and forth atop his thumb.

The classmates looked at each other in horror. Of course Professor Chaotzu would know Lord Vegeta. They came from the same nightmare.

The scary clown continued with the lesson. "Most people don't want to see a plated squab with its head and feet still attached. So, you remove them." He grabbed his favorite cleaver and WHACK WHACK WHACK... In his zeal, a piece flew off the chopping board. Chaotzu floated over to the hapless student and retrieved the wayward head from the student's lap.

"Thank you for catching it." The tiny butcher bowed politely in gratitude.

The young man trembled uncontrollably. He blinked back tears and concentrated on keeping the rest of himself dry.

The sadistic little man with too much rouge proceeded to finish chopping off the feet and heads of the rest of the squabs. Several students retched and ran for the door. The professor shrugged.

"Now, I think that it's wasteful to throw away the heads. The feet, just toss them. But collect the heads in a pot, add a little butter, and brown them over medium heat. Then add some water and boil to create a most wonderful stock for soups and sauces."

The remaining students sat with their mouths agape.

Chaoutzu smiled at the apparently salivating audience. He held his pot of squab heads and looked around in confusion. "Excuse me, but where are the burners?"

"W-w-we don't have burners in this classroom. It's just a lecture hall. The burners are in the lab."

"In the lab? Why would a culinary school have a lab?" He pulled out the note from his pocket. "Is this 1010 Nikki Street?"

"Yes, it is. But the Culinary Institute is across the street at 1001 Nikki Street."

"Oh." With a quick apology, the disappointed warrior quickly gathered his belongings and floated out the door. He had already wasted enough time and ingredients no thanks to a certain roommate and his dyslexic third eye.

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Next: Piccolo could not believe this.

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FoodTV is my favorite network.

Thanks for the reviews and tips.

I'm not 100% sure about that codeine therapy, either, but it sounded right.