Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ "This Can't Be Happening!" ❯ Vegeta ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I know nothing of veterinary school. All that I know comes from Animal Planet.

Legal disclaimer: Dragonball and the characters belong to Toriyama and whoever else owns the copyrights. Inspired by Gary Larson's Farside.

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"All right, class," Gohan addressed his students. "Remember that some of the faculty and I will be at the Southwest Veterinary Conference next week. Your written boards are still on schedule, so keep up with your studies. And yes, you will be getting substitute teachers, so be nice to them." Gohan had no doubt that his students would behave. They were, after all, destined to be professionals.

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The ninety students settled into their seats, awaiting their substitute teacher. Each stared at the wall clock, hoping for a no-show. As the clock hit the hour mark, the professor confidently strutted into the classroom.

Although diminutive, the shock of flame-shaped black hair and scowl gave him the appearance of a larger menace.

He held up the syllabus. "This lecture will involve dealing with injuries, diseases, and sickness. I am Professor Vegeta. You may call me Professor, Sir, or Lord Vegeta. What I say is law. I am the expert, otherwise, they would not be paying me to instruct you."

Vegeta opened the text to the page marked by his predecessor.

"All right. Question one: What should you do if a horse breaks its leg? You, fat boy in the third row, answer me."

The indignant student huffed. He wasn't fat, just big-boned with a slight glandular problem and a weakness for fried foods.

"First, you stabilize the leg with a splint, sedate the animal, and wrap it in a cast. During healing time, the horse should be placed in a harness in a pool of water to exercise his legs for strength and prevent atrophy of the muscles." The big-boned fellow smiled smugly.

"Wrong! Anyone else have a better answer?"

The class looked around and murmured to each other. According to the latest edition of Equine Husbandry, that was a pretty darn good condensed version of fixing a horse's broken leg.

Vegeta finally lost his patience when no one volunteered another answer. "You blast it!"

The students looked at each other and stared back at the professor. Was this guy joking? They could not tell from his dour expression. A student raised her hand.

"What is it," Professor Vegeta demanded.

"You can't blast it, Sir. We don't do that here. We have other means to take care of a horse's broken leg."

Vegeta sighed. He had forgotten about this weak, undeveloped society. "Fine, I amend the treatment."

The class relaxed. So, their teacher did have a sense of humor, although a very sick one.

Vegeta continued, "I forgot about your primitive ways. You shoot it."

Silence.

"Good. Absorb the information. Now, question two: What do you give a horse for a cough? You, unkempt girl with stringy hair, answer it."

The slighted student spoke boldly, as this was an easy question. "You prescribe a cough suppressant with codeine for seven days."

"No. Who else has an answer?" Vegeta's gaze pierced the room. No one raised a hand.

"You shoot it. Why is this so hard for you people? Are you all idiots? Of course you are."

So the lecture continued in the same bizarre vein.

Blindness: shoot it.

Arthritis: shoot it.

Split hoof: shoot it.

Loses a shoe: shoot it.

The more sensitive students left the room to cry. The rest sat in disbelief, hoping that the nightmare would soon end.

Eventually, the topic changed to treating the smaller domestics.

"What do you do for a cat with a broken leg? You, sniveling in the back row with bottle-rim glasses."

"Uh, *sniff* you...you...shoot it?" replied the distraught one.

"With what," the professor asked.

"A *sniff* b-b-bullet?" came the reply.

Vegeta sneered. "No!"

No? Hope rose like a mist in the classroom. This was a dream.

His highness proceeded. "You use a needle and shoot it with a cocktail of barbiturates to euthanize it. Shoot it with a bullet, how absurd."

Fresh tears poured forth from the gallery. The professor seemed oblivious.

So it progressed.

Dog with swollen anal sac: euthanasia

Hamster with overgrown incisors: euthanasia

Iguana with salmonella: euthanasia

Parrot with nasal discharge: wring neck

Finch with broken wing: squeeze neck.

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The lecture mercifully came to a close. Boxes of facial tissues littered the aisles.

Professor Vegeta quizzed his students one last time. "So what have you learned? If an animal is sick or injured, what would you do?"

"Shoot it, euthanize it, wring its neck, Lord Vegeta," came the morose replies in unison.

"Goood," crooned the Saiyan. "I have taught you well."

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Next: Chaotzu cheerily floated into the room.