Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ C'est la vi ❯ Une ( Chapter 1 )

Sorry all. I got sick of reading all those popped-out-of-a-cloning-machine B/V fics, and decided to satirize (I just couldn't take it any more!). Reviews are welcome; flames will be dealt with. ;-)

Sexual tension was in the air... Among other things.

A ceramic plate flew past Vegeta's ear and shattered against the cabinet behind him, soon followed by a glass cup and a Spork. He smirked. This was just too much fun. "Is that the best you can do? You haven't even hit me yet!"

"You dirty, no-good, smelly, disgusting, mother--" Bulma ranted continuously as she ran out of dinnerware and grabbed the fruit dish off the table, chucking the contents at her adversary's head one by one, then tossing the empty bowl Frisbee-style. "If you don't start treating me with a little respect, I won't cook your food or fix the gravity room for you or anything!"

"Well, considering your mother's the one that does all the food preparation and your father does the repairs to the gravity room, that threat really doesn't amount to that much," he spoke as his smirk deepened (if that's at all possible).

Bulma melted into a warm little puddle of goo (figuratively speaking, of course) and watched as he grinned like an idiot--he was so fricking handsome, though his personality certainly left something to be desired--then walked forward, forcing her to back away from him till she hit the wall and could go no further. "You stupid murderous Frieza-loving monkey, that intimidation shit won't work on me," she lied.

Suddenly, Vegeta started crying.

"Uuuh... What're you doing? You worked for Frieza for 20 years, you're letting a little angry comment of mine get to you?"

"No," he sniffed, pouting all the while. "I'm just trying to rake up some vulnerability points while convincing you that I have emotions, however latent they may be. Is it working?"

The said warm little puddle of goo formerly known as Bulma somehow managed to melt even more; tears came to her eyes as she thought of all the horrible atrocities he'd had to live through, how that had made him into the misunderstood and misguided... Okay, enough of that shit.

So she put her arms around him in an attempt to ward off the demons eating at his soul, turning his heart into the cold-- I thought I said enough of that shit! Jesus H. Christmas!

Anyhow, Vegeta soon regained his senses enough to sweep Bulma off her feet (literally) and head towards the bedroom. "Wait!" she screeched, loud enough that he was forced to drop her in order to cover his ears. Standing back up, "I'm still with Yamcha! I can't cheat on him! That's against the rules!"

He rolled his eyes and handed her the portable phone.

"Good idea." She hit speed dial and waited for about five rings until someone finally picked up.

"Hulloh?" a giggling, female voice answered.

"Hi, is uh, Yamcha there?"

"Yamcha? Yamcha..." there was the sound of a hand covering the receiver, slightly muffling the conversation on the other end. "Ooh, so THAT's his name! Yeah, I was wondering about that."

"Is he there?"

"Huh, oh, yeah, here he is," the girl said, then a male voice came on.

"Hel--Britney, get off! Hello? Mandy, let go of my--"

Ooh, kinky...

Sick of listening to that crap and the disturbling mental images they put forth in her mind's eye, Bulma cut in, "Hey there Yamcha, did I call at a bad time?"

"Bulma! Hi! I was just... Er... Yeah... Um... Why ya calling?"

"No reason, just wanted to break up, is all."

"Oh. Okay. Seeya later then."

"Toodles," she replied and hung up so she wouldn't have to listen to the weird orgy shit going on over there.

"Ready now?" a certain Saiyan prince asked.

Jumping back into his arms, "Yup."

So they ran at the speed of light to the nearest bedroom (that came with soundproof walls, that is). Just as they were about to bang, Vegeta stopped. "Wait. There's something you should know. If we do this, we'll be bonded and therefore will be together forever, and any other guy who so much as looks at you with get a Gallic Gun straight up his ass. Oh, and we get to like, share minds and shit."

"Are you fucking with me?" she asked, then paused to rearrange her words to fit only one meaning. "Are you out of your mind? Stuck with the likes of you till I kick off? What demented planet of child molesters did you come from? We don't even love each other yet, we're just about to do the nasty because we're horny and sexual promiscuity is accepted worldwide! Bonding, my ass..." With that, she jumped off the bed and stalked out the door.

Vegeta pouted for a few minutes, then yanked what looked like a pen out of his back pocket. It was apparent that the pen was really no pen at all when it unfolded into one of those Tenchi Muyo-style laptop computers. Cool shit. He clicked on an icon and a little options menu popped up, with a list of buttons labeled Verbal Sparring, Exploded GR, Love Advice from Kakkarot, etc. He went to the one that said That Bonding Shit and clicked it from "on" to "off." He then hit "OK", folded the computer back up into a pen, replaced it in his pocket, and went in search of Bulma.

She was in her room, muttering choice obscenities you can't say on television, when he walked in, and she reacted by throwing some heavy objects at his head, yelling, "Oh no you don't, there is no way in hell I'm sharing a mind with the likes of you, so you can just forget about it, Mr. Hot Pants!"

"Screw That Bonding Shit, I was just teasing."

"Oh," she replied, dropping the sawed-off shotgun. "Well then. What're we waiting for?"

For hours after that, strange thumping noises could be heard coming from the general direction of a certain Capsule Corporation compound.

Finis.

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*stereotypical evil laugh* Ok, now's the time for you to hit that little "Review" button down there and say something. Here, I'll even give you some prefabricated reviews, just copy and paste: "This is the greatest story I've ever read in my entire existence!!! You are GOD!!! When I grow up I want to be just like you!" or "Wow. Cool. Beats the hell out of anything I'VE written," or "You are a very demented person. I can't believe they let you take a computer into your little room with the white padded walls. They didn't let me…" Thank you, g'bye now!