Crimson Dust: The Re-re-re-write^^

By Sakura no Tenshii and Aoi Jade

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'Fear is the parent of cruelty.'-Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Chichi

There he goes again...

Lately that's all he seems to be doing. Blathering away to nobody.

He looks like he's having a grand old time of it, too. I hear him heatedly mumbling to himself, and I see his wild gesticulations, but as usual, nobody is there.

I want to go over and ask what the hell is the matter with him now, but then I quickly remind myself that I don't care.

And why should I? He does his thing and I do mine. And never the 'tween shall meet.

We used to be so close...

Things fall apart, however.

Then again...nothing seems to be the same since the boys left home.

Gohan...Goten...now those are two I haven't thought about in a while. I don't know why, I guess it's because they haven't come over that often. Gohan has his family and job and Goten is off at college.

Neither of them have the time for us any more. I can respect that. They've both become capable young men, able to take charge of their own lives.

Of course I miss them! But...with the way Goku has been acting lately, I really don't think I'd want them over here.

He's been doing it for about ten months now. Talking to himself. Arguing, even. Usually the latter.

Sometimes I'd wake up to find him vehemently swearing and muttering to himself while in the kitchen, using language I never thought my husband KNEW, let alone would ever use.

I was scared, sure, but I figured, 'Hey, Goku's a strong man. I'm sure whatever this is, he can deal with it on his own. If he needs me, he'll ask for my help.'

He never did.

It got worse over the next three or four months. Occasionally he'd go into a complete frenzy, hollering at the top of his lungs and beating his head with his fists.

I knew that was the time for me to step in. It didn't matter if he wanted my help or not. Something told me that if I didn't do something, I would lose the man I loved for sure.

I really didn't know what to do, since this was the first time anything like this had happened. So I started out by just asking Goku what was wrong, and just trying to get to talk it out with me.

No success with that. No matter how hard I tried, he'd simply 'lock up'. I couldn't get anything out of him.

After a while I just stopped asking him about it, since he'd only answer, 'What does it matter to you?', which I suppose was better than nothing at all, which was what I was getting before.

However, this eventually decayed into the 'dreaded silent treatment' again, even when I'd ask him any question about the simplest matters.

We don't talk at all now.... connections between us are completely shattered.

I was always afraid that if the boys came over and saw him like...that...it would not only lead to a lot of questions that I couldn't answer, but Goku probably just wouldn't answer, seeing as how he is...

And then what?

How do I explain?

Should I even try to?

He just seems like...I don't know...like he wants to shut himself away from the entire world. Especially me.

I think he feels the same way I do about our marriage. It's slowly but surely coming apart at the seams and he and I both know it, but neither of us will take the time to sew it back together again.

It's like a quilt, which you know is too worn and damaged to be of any use. You don't want to throw it away though, since there are a lot of memories held within the fabric.

You keep promising yourself that one day, you're going to sit down and fix it. Since after all, under all the dirt and grime, there are only a few tears and holes that need to be patched up, when you look at it close enough.

You keep saying, 'One day... I'll do it. And everything will be all right again. One day...'

But 'one day' never comes.

Do I love him still?

I don't know.

Does he still love me?

I don't know. And the more I ponder it, the less I care.

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Goku

I heard it again, a cold, sinister drawl emanating from the back of my mind. It sounded much like my voice, only harsher, and with a certain bitter egotism that made it all the more frightening. He had been calling to me for years, but I had always been able to push him back into the inner caverns of my awareness. That was, until a few months ago.

~Why not be done with it? You and I both know these pitiful weaklings are not worthy to lay claim to this world, let alone to even exist in the first place!~

'No! You're wrong! They have their place!' I screamed to the voice inside my mind. How could I make him understand?…"They're-"

~What? Useful? Valuable members of your little cadre? Don't make me laugh! And don't get me started on the other 6 billion buffle-brained dolts that claim residence on this rock! How many times have you saved them from certain annihilation, only to have your accomplishments gone un-rewarded? ~

"It's not about the admiration! I do it because it's my duty to protect this world!"

~But you weren't sent to protect this planet! You were sent to destroy it! Or rather, I was. But when you fell and hit your head on that damnable rock, I was shoved into the inner recesses of your mind, and out came your simpering idiot mentality!~

". I know who and what I am....but that doesn't mean I have to act like it by destroying those weaker than myself! If you call that being weak, then I guess I am."

~ You really are pathetic!~ he whispered fiercely. ~Well, you can't hide your heritage forever you know. You cant just forget where you've came from all together...it's impossible to get rid of me... ~

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Chichi

Goku's movements are getting more and more frantic. It looks like he's trying to ward off something, but I can't see what it is. I wonder if he even knows I'm watching him?

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Goku

~I'm still in awe that at least you haven't left that harpy of a wife. But then, human behavior(and you consider yourself human, don't you?) has always baffled me.~

"The reason why we are still together is because we still love each other! We're trying to find a way to fix things between us."

~Hmm...Could have fooled me. She doesn't seem to be interested, and neither do you. How long has it been since she last invited you into her bedroom? Please excuse me for asking, but I do tend to lose track of time very easily, being trapped in the vast wasteland that is your mind, dear sir.~

"What??" I was shocked and appalled by his insinuation. I had always hated that about him. He knew exactly what to say to 'get a rise out of me' as it were. I answered back, "That's really none of your business! It doesn't really matter about that anyway. We still care for each other, and we will find a way to make things work again!"

~Really? Haven't you seen the way she stares at you when we have our little 'chats'? She already thinks you're crazy. It's just a matter of time before she takes off for good. And frankly, I say not to let the door hit her on the way out!~

I saw Chichi standing by the clothesline, watching me intently.

When she noticed me looking at her, she quickly pretended to busy herself with the sheets. I turned away from her, but still kept her in the corner of my eyesight. When she was confident that I was no longer watching her, she peeked out from the sheets and went back to studying me.

~See what I mean? She believes you to be quite mad.~

I wanted to shut him up, block him out of my mind, but I knew that it was impossible.

He knew it as well.

~ So, you want to shut me up, huh? As if you could possibly wrap barbed wire around your mind to keep me out..' He paused, then sighs. ~Now there's a thought...your brain encased in barbed wire...Ooh...pointy...~

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Chichi

I don't get what's happening to either me or him.

I don't understand why, whenever I look at him, I get this growing sense of unease.

He used to be my protector, my friend...my lover...

Now I can't even look at him without this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I want to reach out to him, but I know that he'll just push me away again. I don't know if I can handle it any more.

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Goku

"You're sick...you know that?" I closed my eyes, once again trying to force him back further into my mind, with no luck.

~I know. That's what makes me so charming.~ He chuckled, making a hideous cackling noise. It was full of malevolence, spite, and just flat out cruelty that it sends shivers up my spine. Since it is right inside my skull, it is amplified tenfold.

I screamed, as I have done many times before, not being able to bear such a repulsive sound echoing throughout my head.

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Chichi

I look from behind the sheets on the clothes line, hearing Goku yell.

He's doing it again...it always follows the same pattern. First he whispers...then he shouts...then he screams.

And he looks at me. The way his eyes...plead for me...

He wants my help, I know. But something keeps him from opening up towards me.

I just don't know what to do.

I want to go to him...

But I'm afraid.

Afraid of what?

Maybe nothing.

Maybe everything.

I don't know...

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Goku

As the ghastly sound of his laughter died away from my mind, so too did my frenzied screams die from the air around me.

~Are you done?~ he said. I think I could detect the faintest hint of exasperation in his voice. ~If you keep that up, the woman really will send you to the nut house!~

I managed to calm myself down, but was not able to come up with a suitable retort for my unwanted mental occupant. The best I could come up with was "Shut up, you," and even that took a few moments of intense thought.

~Heh. Once again, dear boy, your sparkling wit astounds me.~

I didn't answer to that one, either. I only prayed he didn't start laughing again.

I paused, waiting for yet another barrage of insults and threats.

A minute passed, then five, then ten.

Still nothing.

He must have gone back to wherever he makes his home in the back of my mind, most likely tiring of his little games. I'm glad, but I know that he will come back, as he always does.

He can't get rid of me, nor I him. Therefore, he's determined to make my life a living hell.

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Next day:

Chichi

I've had enough. I'm tired of wondering if my husband has had a nervous breakdown, and whether he'll tear the house down and take me with it.

I have to get him professional help.

I don't know how Goku will take to therapy, but anything's better than seeing him run off at the mouth to no one. He's just starting to scare me…

Now, it's not like I actually care(it's sad, but every time I say that, it comes easier. The words don't choke in my throat like they used to…), but still and all...

The question is, how do I convince him to go?

We've never been big on doctors of any kind. We never needed them. Every time someone got hurt, relief was just a senzu away. But I know this is the sort of thing that a senzu bean WON'T cure.

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I look over at him, sitting at the table. He looks like he's in some kind of daze. Finally, I swallow up whatever worry I have about him being angry and walk over to him. "Goku?" I ask, sitting down next to him. He doesn't answer.

"Goku?" I ask again, slightly louder, placing my hand on his shoulder. He jumps and looks at me, shocked that I had touched him.

"What?" he asks, his voice sounding more than a little on edge. This was definitely not like him. His eyebrow twitches a little.

I look him over, and he definitely does not look well. I lower my eyes. "You know...I was thinking..." I say, keeping my eyes glued to my lap. "Maybe...you should look into-" I pause, raise my eyes, then finally get up the courage to speak my mind, " -seeing a professional...you know, for your…problem?"

"What?" he spits. "Like a shrink?"

" 'Shrink', is such an ugly word. I mean...a psychiatrist."

"So you do think I'm crazy," Goku mutters. He starts to rise from the table, but I gently grab hold of his arm and pull him back into his seat.

"I'm not calling you crazy," I whisper. " I-I-I...I just think you need to get it looked into, is all."

"Why do you care, anyway?" he asks, glaring at me. It's weird how no matter how many times I see that look in his eyes or hear that skeptical tone in his voice, it still hurts me a little to think he doesn't completely trust me.

I'm not even sure how to answer that question. Why DO I care?

I think I still love him, and he loves me. But why does he hurt me like this? Why do I hurt him?

Maybe it's time for some explanations.

"Goku," I start, ready to spill everything I've been bottling up for the past months. Why I love him. Why I don't. Why I care. Why I don't. "I..."

I can't say it.

How do I explain everything? He should know, both why and how, but it's still hard.

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Goku

I heard that maniacal laughter fill my head again. Then came his voice. ~Oh, sure.~ he sneers, ~I told you, didn't I? She does think you're crazy.~

He laughed again, the sound tearing through my mind and echoing louder than it ever did before.

I looked down at Chichi, trying to not show any sign of someone talking to me, knowing it would only make the situation worse at this point. ~Go on Goku...answer me, you know that she already knows....you might as well go ahead and tell her all about how you have a 'lunatic' taking up residence in your brain.~

He chuckled, making that horrible noise again. ~This would have never happened if you would have just destroyed this rock like I said.~

I closed my eyes, forcing him back as far as I can. Surprisingly enough, he seemed to leave by himself, but his demonic cackle was still ringing in my ears.

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Chichi

I look up at Goku, and I see that he has his eyes closed tightly. He looks like he is putting all his energy into willing something away from him. I don't think he realizes I am still in the room, because he starts to chant, "Out, get out," over and over. As he did so, his eyes shut tighter, and he looks to be in terrible pain.

He clenches his fists until his nails dug into the palms of his hands and draw blood. This continues for about 5 minutes, until he finally opens his eyes. I gaze into his eyes, and am shocked by what I see. Gone is the gentle, fun-loving man I had fallen in love with. Now I only see utter misery and weariness.

"Goku?" I murmur, my voice sounding unusually low. "Are you...what just happened?" I'm almost afraid to ask. He looks so tired, as if he is going to collapse. I had never seen him like this before.

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Goku

I couldn't do it any more. I had to find a way to rid myself of his presence.

For all intents and purposes, he was the reason why my life with Chichi was the way it was. Having the boys gone was only a small part. If it weren't for him, we could still have reconciled.

I wasn't able to get close to her, since he was so unpredictable. There's no telling what he might have done, either to me or Chichi . I didn't even know what his ultimate goal for me is, only that it couldn't be good.

So I put a wall around my emotions, just to make sure that Chichi wouldn't try to get too close to me and possibly bring about his fury.

I did it for her safety.

I'm still terribly sorry for what I've done to her, but it was the only way.

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Chichi was staring at me, and for the first time in months, I saw genuine concern in her eyes.

But then as quickly as I noticed it, it was gone.

She placed one hand on her hip, and wagged the index finger of her other hand at me, like a stern older sister would.

'Now you see! That's what I'm talking about! Here you are acting like a fool while I'm here wondering if you've gone off the deep end or not!'

I simply sat there and looked at her. I really had nothing to say. I couldn't tell her what was truly going on, since she wouldn't have believed me.

I let her ramble on for a while longer about how much grief I've put her through, and that she's not even sure why she even cares, then finally stopped her with a resolute, "All right. I'll go."

"I work my-you'll go??" she asked

"Yes, I'll go." I said weakly , surprising even myself by how fatigued I sounded. "You're right. There is something wrong with me. I admit it. I don't know what it is," I lie(odd how lies seemed to come easier and easier to me then), "but hopefully this therapist can help me find out and make it go away."

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Chichi

I slouch down in my chair, relieved but also stunned. I know my mouth is wide open. But, I would have never thought that Goku would give in so easily.

He turns around and heads into his room. "Goku....?" I ask, standing up again. He turns and looks at me, his face still covered with that distant look. "What?" He asks, blinking slowly. I looked down at my feet and took a deep breath, "N-nothing." I shake my head, not wanting to turn the moment into something overly emotional.

I look up at him and murmur, "Goodnight."

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Goku

I stood there for a moment, looking at Chi Chi's face. I saw that same look of kindness and concern coming back to it, like before. I could tell she knew that I saw it, because she turned and quickly headed into her room soon after.

I smiled slightly, the first time I had smiled in a while, as I turned and walked back into my room.

~Aww...wasn't that the perfect little scene...~

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I froze, his voice echoing through my mind.

~So...you're going to the loony bin after all... And by your own design! You are even more wretched than I thought!~

"It's not the 'loony bin', it's therapy!" I shot back.

~Loony bin, therapy, they're all the same. The woman thinks you're nuts, and you're actually starting to buy into it!~

"I don't think I'm crazy, it's just-" I stopped myself just in time.

~Just what? What are you planning to do, you miserable little worm? Tell me!~ His voice never raised above the mocking whisper I was accustomed to, but the tone changed to one of fury and-dare I say it?- fear.

"Oh ho! Getting nervous, are we?" I had done it! I had finally struck a nerve with him!

~Of course not! Nothing you could possibly say or do can phase me in the slightest! I was just...interested, that's all.~ Even as he said this, I could hear the tension in his voice.

~Anyway, it's not like it's going to help you out any. I told you, we're together forever! Unless...is this only to improve your relations with the bitch enough so you can get her in the sack again?~

I stopped myself from responding to that latest verbal jab.

"I'd like it very much if you were to go away now, please." I asked politely. I knew it wouldn't work, but it never hurts to try...

He only laughed at me again, but the sound did not reverberate in my head as much as usual.

Finally it died down into silence.

~Fine. I'm in a generous mood today. Besides, you aren't as much fun as you usually are. But don't get too comfy, I'll be back. I want to see what idiotic plans you're cooking up. I'll need a good laugh after spending enough time in the trash bin that is your brain.~

His voice faded out into nothingness. But, like always, I knew not to expect the peace to last for long.

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The Next Morning:

I awoke from a surprisingly peaceful sleep. I guess he WAS in a 'generous mood' as he said. I walked out in the kitchen and looked at Chichi. She was silent, same as she was every morning. I cleared my throat, trying to get her attention. She looked over at me, and I gave her a weak smile.

She didn't return it.

'You made the appointment for 8:30, right?' I asked.

Chichi only grunted in assent, then turned back to the table.

"Well, guess I'll get going then. I'll...see you...this afternoon." I made no move to kiss her, nor she to kiss me.

She grunted again, keeping her eyes on a vase of wilted roses on the table.

I took one last lingering look at my wife, then headed out the door.

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I chose the air car, since it was a more discreet mode of transportation than flying. After all, it wouldn't have been very tactful of me to enter the Satan City Psychiatric Clinic by floating in through a third-story window, now would it?

I arrived at the Psychiatric Clinic and sighed, climbing out of the car. I was a little nervous about going in....mostly because I knew they would think I was crazy...But I thought, if it meant I can get this damned beast out of my head, so be it.

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I sat in the room inside the clinic, looking around at my surroundings, until I heard the door creak open. I almost jumped at the sound of the therapist's voice. "Mr. Son?"

I looked over at the entrance to see a rather attractive woman standing in front of me. She wore blue dress pants and a navy blue blazer. Her cherry-colored hair was arranged in a bun at the nape of her neck, and a pair of horn rimmed glasses dangled around her neck.

Ye-yes?" I asked, standing up to shake her hand.

"I'm Doctor Rosencroist." she said, putting her glasses on, then shaking my hand. " But, you can call me Doctor R., if you want."

She smiled politely, then led me into her office. It was small, but not cramped. Lots of antiques which must have cost a tidy sum to acquire. I guessed that meant she had a pretty large clientele, since she could apparently afford such costly furnishings.

The walls were covered with Doctor Rosencroist's numerous degrees in psychology. Well, at least she knows what she's doing…

A small couch sat in front of me, against the east wall of the office. Doctor Rosencroist motioned for me to lay down on it. I did so and faced the doctor. She looked me over carefully, her eyes roaming over every inch of my face. I could tell she was sizing me up, making a general assessment of my emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

I thought, Oh, you're going to have a field day with me, sister…

Neither of us spoke for a few minutes, while she was taking in every aspect of my appearance and occasionally making a note or two in her pad.

In truth, the silence was deafening.

"From what your wife tells me, you've been having...episodes...?" she asked finally.

I nodded, thinking, Yeah, that's putting it mildly.

I still remained silent for a moment, collecting my thoughts, and silently praying to Kami that he didn't make another of his grand appearances.

She was the first to speak. "Now, your wife-Chichi, isn't it?-has told me that you've been hearing and responding to non-existent voices for the past few months, and she's worried that this may eventually evolve into more 'aggressive' behavior.

Aggressive? Me? To Chichi? Never!

"Doctor," I interjected, "I would never, in a million years, think of harming Chichi!"

She scribbled a few more notes into her pad and nodded a little. "That may be, Mr. Son, but the mind can work in mysterious ways. I'm certain YOU don't wish to do harm to your wife, but that doesn't mean that the other parts of your conscious and subconscious bear those same feelings. For all we know, those very portions of your psyche could lash out, without you even knowing it."

I didn't say anything for a moment. After all, he most likely would do something to Chichi if he could take complete control of me. After a few moments of silence, Doctor Rosencroist got the idea and moved on. "Now then." she said, "Tell me about these 'voices' you've been hearing...do you think they're coming from something that has happened to you in your past? Do you recognize any of the voices as one of your family members that has passed away or something to that effect?"

I sighed and shook my head slightly. "No...I really don't know any of my family members.....and...I'm not quite sure if I can say he's from my past...more like my background..."

Doctor R. raised an eyebrow at this, "Your background? What do you mean by that?"

I sighed again, knowing how hard it would be to tell her about where I came from, but....after all, it seemed like the ONLY way to solve my quote un-quote, 'problem'

"Well, you probably won't believe this, but I am not actually from your world. My true name is Kakarott, and I am what is known as a Saiyajin, which is a nearly extinct species of powerful alien beings." I spoke calmly and earnestly, but expecting that when I was finished, she would either laugh me off or kick me out of her office altogether.

The doctor gazed at me strangely(which I knew would happen) and re-adjusted her glasses. "I...see..." she said, "Now...how long have you thought that you were a 'Saiyajin'?"

I looked at her and shook my head again, "I don't 'think' I'm a Saiyajin, I AM one-" I stopped and looked at her. I knew that this was making the entire situation worse.

"All right. Tell me more about these 'Saiyajin', as you call them."

"The Saiyajin are a warrior race, known for their excellent fighting skills-" I quieted myself down again when I noticed Doctor R. giving me that odd look once more.

She glanced at her notes and nodded again. "Your wife told me that you were a 'fighter'. Now that I think of it, your name does sound familiar. Aren't you the Goku Son who won the World Martial Arts Tournament ?"

Oh, dear. I can see where she's going with this, I thought. But I had to answer her.

"Yes...yes I am."

"Uh huh. Would you say you...like to fight...Mr. Son?" She posed this query to me in a tone that was genuinely inquisitive, but also had a slight challenge to it.

"Well...I guess so. But it's not that I fight just for the sake of fighting...I also have a duty to fulfill."

"And what duty would that be?"

I'm a member of the Earth's Special Forces." Now why did I say that??

"The...what now?" she asked.

I sighed again(that must have been the fiftieth time that day) and started to explain.

"The Earth's Special Forces. We are a very elite group of what most people would deem 'superheroes'. All of us have our own unique special powers and attacks, with which we fight any major threat to the Earth's peace."

"Like the...X-men?" she inquired.

I shook my head exasperatedly. "No, not like the X-men. We're all martial artists, but we've learned to tap into our ki-"

"And what is this 'ki' you speak of? It wouldn't happen to be some sort of illegal substance, would it?"

Oh, great. Now she thinks I'm a dope fiend. How to remedy this situation?…

"No no no!! Ki is sort of like the energy that flows within all of us. Through proper training, I and my comrades have learned to channel that energy and use it to manipulate our surroundings."

She gave me that odd eyebrow-raise once more. I thought, Yep, she's thinking I'm a certifiable nut job, all right. All I need is for her to give me the stamp on my hand saying it.

"And who gave you this...training?" Doctor R. asked.

"Master Roshi did. He's a hermit who lives on an island in the middle of the ocean with his talking turtle named…Turtle. My friend Krillin, who is also a member of the Special Forces, and his wife, Android 18, also live there."

"A hermit… who lives on an island with a talking turtle… and gives special martial arts training…" Doctor R. repeated, writing it down in her notebook, "And....your friend is...married to...an android." She said, glancing over at me.

I nodded, "It's not as strange as you might think. You see, Doctor Gero, one of the past threats to the Earth, he created her to destroy me, but, she changed her ways after Cell was destroyed..." I stopped for a second and actually listened to what I was saying. With everything that had happened I really couldn't blame the Doctor for thinking I was going mad.

I see...." She said, laying her notebook on her lap, "Well, Mr. Son, I'd say you do have quite an...interesting...life."

It's interesting all right....

The Doctor cleared her throat and looked over at me, "Well, now that's covered, I think maybe we can try to figure out what is making you hear these voices."

"Do you have any idea as to who it is speaking to you?" she asked.

"It's my other half....well, my 'Saiyajin' half , also known as Kakarott. He's angry because I'm not behaving like a Saiyajin should, or so he feels. All my life, I've been helping people and constantly saving the Earth from destruction, and he doesn't like that much." I chuckled bitterly. "He's mad that I'm assisting the Earth and it's people, when, in his mind, I should be obliterating it. Literally." I finished.

"You're supposed to be...destroying....the Earth?" She asked, raising her eyebrows again.

"Yes, well, that is, I WAS, when I was sent here as a infant. But I sort of banged my head-"

"Ah!" Doctor R. exclaimed. "You DID hit your head! That may be the cause of your mental instability!" She scribbled in her pad excitedly and murmured. "Possible concussion-Go on, Mr. Son. You were saying?"

"I banged my head up when I was little and forgot my mission. That's another thing he's mad about. He's the person-Saiyajin, rather-I was supposed to be, but instead I'm a nice guy. He hates nice."

She shrugged off that last comment and asked, "Has...Kakarott...ever suggested that you do harm to yourself or anyone in your family, or any of your friends?" Once again, she raised her eyebrow.

I thought that was becoming something of a pattern with her...

I thought for a moment, then answered, "Not really. He doesn't like Chichi much, but he's never said I should do anything...you know...to her. Just the whole 'blow up the planet' thing."

Doctor R. shook her head and took her glasses off.

"Well Mr. Son, in all my years of being a psychoanalyst...I have never heard of a case like yours."

Don't I know it. Sigmund Freud would have loads of fun with my medulla oblongata. But…I don't think that's what she means…

"But..." She continued, "I think I have an answer to your problem."

I listened attentively. After all, this was my last resort.

She read over her notes once more and began, "It seems to me...that these voices-"

"There's just one, Doctor." I pointed out.

She nodded inattentively."-are low-grade psychotic episodes." she finished.

In other words, she didn't believe me either. I should have known...

"Psychosis is a type of mental disorder in which the patient experiences a degree of mental degradation and subsequent withdrawal from reality. They can range from mild to profound, mild requiring a lesser amount of care than the more severe cases. Since you don't seem to be physically acting out the more...violent portions of your fantasies, I don't think medication will be necessary as of yet."

"The main thing to do for now is try and realize that you are a human being, and forget about this far-fetched notion of you being some sort of extraterrestrial creature. That will make things a lot easier."

I looked at her, this time MY eyebrows raised. That's what you think....

Really..." I said, knowing that there wasn't much confidence in my voice.

She looked at me thoughtfully. "I think we'll probably have to dig a lot deeper to find the root of your other delusions. So what I'm going to do is set up a series of appointments for you to see me three times a month. However, if you find...Kakarott...getting too loud for you to go about your everyday activities, or if he does suggest that you harm yourself or anyone you care about, give me a call and I'll start you on some mild anti-psychotics. We'll just play it by ear from there, ok?"

I blinked slowly and stood up, "Alright." I said, as she walked me to the door, "I'll give it a try."

She was dead wrong about me, sure, but I still figured there must be SOMETHING she could do.

After all, that was her job, right?

She smiled at me, "I'm sure you'll be fine Mr. Son." she said, "Just give me a call if you need me."

I nodded quickly and left.

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I walked out of the Clinic and out to where I had parked the air car, all the while thinking to myself, as I had done quite often lately. I really didn't know what to tell Chichi....after all....she thought I was crazy too no doubt, there was no use trying to explain it to her. Explaining it to the therapist was hard enough.

As I made my way back home, I kept on thinking about what Doctor R. said. If I hadn't been...what I was...and lived a life that most think could only happen in fantasy novels, I would think I was crazy too....but, I knew for a fact that NONE of this could have been 'a figment of my imagination' like the doctor had assumed, seeing as how I actually lived out those adventures.

I took my time getting home, after all, I was in no real hurry. Chichi wouldn't be waiting up for me like she used to.

At least, I thought she wouldn't. When I finally did get home, she was still sitting at the kitchen table, only this time reading one of her books. I wasn't planning on saying anything, but, I knew she would ask me how everything went.

She looked up as I closed the door. "Well?" she asked, putting her book down.

I looked at her and shrugged slightly, "She wants to see me back in about a week....says it's all in my head." That was all I said before walking into my room. Sure, I felt bad about brushing her question off like that, but, I really didn't feel like telling another person about what was going on, even if it was my wife.

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Chichi

So I'm sitting here, looking into Goku's room, somehow knowing that there was more said at the therapist's than ,'it's all in your head.'

Well, if Goku didn't want to tell me, why should I care? I just sent him to the damned place to make sure he wasn't about to go Norman Bates on me.

I know I should up and leave. I even ask myself, why do I stay? Every rational part of me screams that I should walk out and never look back.

It's not just the fact that I know the love is gone from our marriage, it's that disturbing feeling of unease I get whenever I look at Goku. Each day, it seems to get stronger. I know that he would never hurt me, at least that's what I tell myself. But deep down, I just don't know anymore.

Now, you think, isn't that reason enough to just up and go? But the thing is, I CAN'T leave. I'm not able to explain why. I just can't. Something seems to be holding me to this house, to him.

From the first moment I saw Goku, I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He had everything I wanted in a man. Compassionate, dedicated, handsome, and courageous. Sure, he wasn't the brightest apple in the bunch, but that didn't matter to me.

When we finally got married, I thought everything in my life was finally perfect. While not a storybook wedding(the ceremony was at the World Martial Arts Tournament), it still felt like things were falling into place.

We were finally going to settle down and raise a family together. No more gallivanting across the planet hunting down Dragonballs. No more fighting 'villains' and worrying if we'd ever make it back home again.

Things were going to be nice and normal.

Well, I was certainly wrong about that, now wasn't I?

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That Night...

Chichi

I can't sleep.

I've been laying here for hours, tossing and turning to find a comfortable position.

Occasionally, my hand strays to what used to be Goku's side of the bed.

I try laying flat on my back, arms and legs flayed one either side of my body. I feel a little bit more comfortable, but my arm still is on 'Goku's' side.

The sheets are so cold…

The tears instantly spring to my eyes, but I have not the pride to let them fall.

I just keep telling myself, 'This is the way he wants it; so this is the way it has to be.'

I won't cry for him any more. I can't cry for him.

He's definitely not crying for me…

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Goku

I felt myself drifting between the veil of sleep and the harsh exterior of reality.

True, sleep has not come often, and when it does, it usually brings what feels like hours of painful memories relived in dark dreams.

But rarely, very rarely, I am able to escape into a dreamless slumber that brings with it the total oblivion to the outside world that I crave so desperately.

As I tried to focus my mind on sleeping...I can't help thinking of Chichi...after all, she was only a few rooms away. Even though I knew that she had lost her feelings for me, mostly if not entirely...I still felt like I wanted to be close to her.

I knew she would only push me away like so many times before. Then again, with my 'episodes' as the doctor called them, I guess I couldn't blame her for not wanting to get too close to me.

It's only fair…I've done it to her too many times. I wish that I could explain why I do the things I do, but it would only lead to too many questions and conflicts.

Some of the connections between us were completely gone, but I could still feel what she was feeling in some cases, though.

Therefore, I knew that there was a glimmer of hope(however small it was) that I could make things right again...

"Kami, please. If you hear me...just let things be all right between Chichi and me again. " I often murmured this prayer more to myself than any so-called 'higher power'. Sometimes, I wonder if perhaps a wish to the Eternal Dragon would help. But then, I really wouldn't know how to phrase it correctly, and Shenlon, being the exacting type, probably wouldn't get it correct. So If I asked to be rid of him, not only would he be gone, but the entire part of my mind that he inhabits.

I really would have 'lost my mind' then, wouldn't I?

I have often damned my heritage for being what it is, and myself for being a part of that horrid race.

Perhaps...If I were to make a wish to Shenlon...I could wish myself human? There haven't been any major threats to the earth since Majin Buu, and even if there were, I have faith that the other Z-fighters could handle it.

But...would that get rid of my main problem? Or would HE still be inside me, and just take advantage of my new persona?

If it were to work, the other Z-fighters would be shocked, of course. But I'd still be me, wouldn't I? Just not as powerful. I know that Chichi loved me even as I was(does she still?) but in my heart of hearts, I knew she always was a bit afraid of me and my strength.

So if I WERE human...she wouldn't be scared of me anymore, right? I'd still love her and protect her as best I could from common enemies, but there would be no need for me to stick my nose into affairs of a global nature.

I probably should weigh the pros and cons of the situation a bit more carefully, but from what I can see...there are no cons.

I've lived as a human for most of my life...why not go all the way?

It'll fix things between Chichi and I. She'll love me again. That's all I'm concerned about.

It's amazing how far two people can feel from one another, even though they live under the same roof. Just being apart emotionally from her these past 9 months have really made me realize how much I love her...and need her.

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Next Day:

Chichi

I think I've been throwing myself into my work a bit more than usual. I read somewhere that when people lose family or friends, they tend to over compensate by working harder than usual, to get their minds off of the fact that their loved one is gone.

Goku is still here in flesh, but I feel like he's thousands of miles away.

It's the same routine day after day. Cook, wash, mop, and dust. When we were still...talking...I at least would complain about his bad habits, so that broke up some of the tedium. During the first few months of our falling out, I bemoaned the fact that I didn't have anyone to speak to, except myself. Now, however, my work is my refuge.

I still talk to myself from time to time, but that's normal. It's when you answer your own questions you know you've gone off the deep end.

I cook for him, but we don't eat together. I take my meals in my room and just leave the remainder on the stove.

We see as little of each other as possible. I'm not sure if we've subconsciously learned each other's schedules and know how to avoid one another, but it seems like very rarely are we in the same room at the same time.

I turn around to get a dustpan, and see Goku gazing at me. He still looks tired, but I believe I see something in his eyes that I hadn't seen in the longest time: he looks like he actually wants to open up and let me back into his heart...

My breath catches in my throat, just from the shock of seeing him. He smiles at me warmly, another gesture I have not seen in a long time. "Umm...Chichi?" he asks. "There's something I need to say to you." He walks over and hugs me tightly. I try to protest, but he hushes me. "Now Chichi, you're going to listen to me. I know things haven't been the best between us for a long time, but I' m just here to say that I'm sorry. Sorry for how I've treated you for the past months, but even more sorry for how our life together has always been. I know I could have done so much more for you. Instead, I've been wrapped up in things that...I see now...really shouldn't have concerned me. I had a wife and family of my own, and that should have been my main concern. Not flying off and fighting bad guys."

Goku continues, "But there's one thing I need to know: do you want to make things work?" All through his speech, my eyes are glued to my feet.

I'm not sure I even want to look at him, no matter how moving his little soliloquy is. "Chichi. Honey. Look me in the eyes. Just say you don't love me anymore, and I'll leave. You'll be free to go where you want, when you want, and to do as you please."

"Look at me, Chichi. "Goku repeats softly. I raise my eyes to his and gaze into them for a moment. Those eyes…the eyes of the man I had fallen in love with…and was threatening to fall in love with again.

NO!!!

I can't!!

I can't be hurt again!

But I want you so much!

Do I?

Can I?

Should I?

Will I?

Why?

Why do you do these things to me?

"Well?" Goku asks. So many thoughts and memories are flying through my mind.

The moment we met.

Our adventures together.

Our wedding...and wedding night.

Gohan's birth.

Goku's death at the hands of Cell, and the utter sense of shock and loss that ran through my system, in the knowledge that, this time, he wasn't coming back...

I look down at my feet again.

"Goku...I just don't know! I want to love you, I really do! But I just don't think I can anymore! I'm scared for you, and of you! I want things to be the way they were, but can they?"

There. I had said it. How he takes it is another matter.

"I...see..."he says. "So, is that a yes or a no?"

How can he possibly make me decide with just a yes or a no? I love him, but yet I hate him! I need him, but at the same time I want him as far away from me as possible?

Now how can I just put all those feelings into a simple monosyllabic answer?

I look him in the face again; his eyes are brimming with tears.

I've gone and made him cry…I've never seen Goku cry!

I mustn't let this get to me, though. I must remain rational at all costs.

When I finally calm myself down enough to respond, and not have it cluttered by silly emotional responses, I say "Goku…you say you want a yes or a no from me, and that will determine whether you leave me or stay. So…my answer is-"

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I feel my answer stick in my throat as I look up at Goku's face. Tears are still in his eyes...and he is making no effort to hide them.

Finally opening my mouth to speak, nothing comes out but an odd sort of squeaking noise..

"I..." I finally sputter, "No…the answer is no…" I break away from his arms and turn my back to him. I want to burst into tears...but I can't. Something is keeping me from showing any emotion.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper, closing my eyes, "I'm sorry Goku." I murmur again, turning into my room and closing the door.

Did I do…the right thing?

For him?

For me?

Something falls to the floor outside my door with a dull thump. Opening the door just a crack, I see Goku on his knees, trembling wildly; his shoulders are shaking with sobs that he valiantly struggles to suppress.

Instinctively, I go to him.

Despite the months of carefully crafted illusions of total aversion to one another, he folds into my arms like a child. 'I just...I just can't live with this any more.' I say as gently as possible. 'I know you love me, and I love you too. But...I can't deal with you rejecting me like this. I know you have your reasons. It's just...something tells me that even with all your promises that it'll all be different...better…I know things will continue like they have been."

"Chichi! It won't be like that! I promise!!! Things will change! I love you so much...I'd die without you! Just give me another chance! Please!" My hand goes to the top of his head, and I just sit here, holding him like I held the boys when they were ill.

I manage to calm him down enough to get him off of the floor, shepherd him over to the table and sit him in a chair. However, once there, Goku again gives himself up so completely to sobbing again that the sleeve he had been using as a handkerchief is soaked through.

Grabbing a towel from the sink, I hold it out to him. He takes it and blows his nose as unselfconsciously and as unabashedly as any child would.

"Goku...I'm sorry. This is the way it has to be. I'll give you a choice. Do you want to leave, or do you want me to? Either way, it's obvious that the two of us can't live under one roof together."

"You can't do this!!" Goku replies, in the tone of a toddler who has been thwarted in his pursuit of a plaything. " I need you! What'll I do? You mustn't!! I won't let you!"

"Goku…stop making a spectacle of yourself."

There he finally stops. Amazingly, the tears all seem to dry up, the wracking sobs disappear, and all that is left was the emotional train wreck in front of me.

It never fails. Gentle nagging always does the trick in this sort of situation.

He's not looking his best, but at least I can maybe get some sort of rational response out of him, and not just wails of how much he loved me and why this can't be happening…

"I'll ask you again: do you want to stay here, or are you leaving?" I inquire again.

"…"

Or not.

"Fine…I'm leaving." I sigh in exasperation. "I'll be in my room packing."

I quickly turn back into my room and shut the door once again.

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Goku

I...I don't...understand...

I...told her...I...loved her...

I...needed...her...

So...what...what happened?

Why is she leaving me?

She...I...

Why?

I sat there for a few moments; collecting what few thoughts I could muster.

I just…felt numb all over.

That's what it feels like when you get over the initial shock of having your still-beating heart ripped out of your chest, used as a hockey puck, and then shoved back into the cavity, upside down at that.

She's been my wife for almost 30 years.

She has her share of gray hairs…but she'll always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

My princess…I'm supposed to set her free.

Things aren't supposed to be this way.

That's not how the story goes…

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The good guys always wear white.

The bad guys always wear black and have the funny handlebar mustaches.

Good is always pure, innocent, and uncorrupted.

Good is always good. Good never becomes evil.

When something is evil, you always automatically know it's evil.

Evil is always evil. Evil never becomes good.

The boy always gets the girl.

Nobody ever dies.

There always is a happy ending.

There always is a happy ending.

…

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I wanted to throw myself at Chichi's feet, to beg her forgiveness for anything I did to her in the past, but I knew it was no use.

She was leaving me, and there was nothing I can do.

Crying about it won't help, so what's the point in that?

All the logical arguments in the world won't do anything, even if I brought out flow charts and bar graphs.

I'll have to let her go, even though I don't want to.

Is that right?

It has to be right.

That's how the story goes now…

It still hurts inside, though. It hurts a whole lot.

Have I…hurt you this much…Chichi?

Did it hurt this bad when I ignored you, pushed you aside like you didn't matter?

I did it for you…

That's the excuse they always use.

I did it for you…

I have to face facts. I know…what I did, while it was only for her safety, it still damaged her emotionally.

That is inexcusable.

The truth is…It's never just 'I did it for you'.

There's always something else.

But you never tell them what that 'something else' is, do you?

And when it's too late…

The things you never say or do always come back to bite you on the ass.

There's always something else.

I said I loved her…

Did she hear me?

Of course she did.

Did she care?

That's the question.

There's always something else…

I thought maybe it would be best if she left. I mean, what kind of life did she have? She cooked and cleaned the house day after day, that's about it. That's no living for her. She's a princess, and deserves to be treated like one.

I sure as hell couldn't do it…

Perhaps…I don't want to try.

It would all go wrong, anyway.

It's in my nature.

Why do I bother, anyway?

I love her, sure.

But what else?

There always is something else.

I've never been a proper husband to her. She needs someone who can care for her the way a woman should be cared for, not like she's some little sister who needs to be watched over constantly.

It's always been the safety of the entire universe before looking after the interests of my family.

I know I have a duty to fulfill, but is this truly my destiny?

Anyway, who says I have a duty?

There's no prophecy about me in some moldy old book.

My life hasn't already been written out for me.

And yet…I still act like I have some sort of higher purpose.

Perhaps I do, but then again…maybe I don't.

Are we the dreamers…or merely in another's dream?

To act…or not to act?

To be…or not to be?

What is or isn't?

I don't know why I do half the things I do.

I say it's for the greater good, but do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few all the time?

Can't I be selfish for once?

No, I can't.

It's not in me.

What is?

That's the question.

Is there an answer?

Perhaps…but not here.

Not now.

It's always on the last page of the story.

Whodunit?

We'll find out on the last page.

Why?

There's always something else…

I decided to go and help her pack.

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