Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction ❯ Goku's Cooking Tips ❯ Episode Six ( Chapter 6 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: ultravegeta 
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 238 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 04.23.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 1.9K | Visits: 238 | Status: Work In Progress
(cut to Goku in fetish wear and a baseball cap)
Goku - Hello again folks! And welcome to yet another (and very delayed) installment of 'Goku's Bondage Hour'! Today we'll be-- Eh? Uh, sorry folks, I'm just now being informed by my producer that this is in fact a cooking show, and has nothing whatsoever to do with BDSM...Wow, that's embarrassing...Uh, tell you all what, I'm just going to leave for a moment and then I'll be right back, okay? (leaves quickly)
(silence)
Goku - (strangling the producer with the bondage outfit) HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES EH!-- Oh! I'm back! Heh...Anywho, as I'm sure you already know, as we last left off I was hit by a renegade dump-truck after chasing after my wonderfully crafted, and extremely expensive top-hat!
Director - Expensive? (starts laughing) That thing was like made of velcro and from the dollar store!
Goku - DO NOT BADMOUTH MY HAT! (takes a deep breath) It deserves more respect than that! Anyways, enough of this bloomin' nonsense! Just to recap what's happened in the meantime, I managed to gather a full crew for filming my show in the afterlife, using a bunch of ogres from HELL--
Funimation Dork - (paints over the word so that it reads HFIL) Yoink!
Goku - ...Yeah...And anyways, I've somehow managed to broadcast to the real world, so lets get going shall we? (walks over to the 'ghost' counter) Now, since baloney doesn't exist in the ghost-world, which I so harshly learned when I first arrived here (baloney withdrawal is a BITCH!), we'll be using the next best thing: spectral slices! I don't know what the hell they are, and I don't know how well they'll work, but hey, it's like the old saying goes, if life gives you lemons, you just squirt lemon juice back in its eyes! (smiles)
Director - Eh, I don't think that's how the say--
Goku - Now then, using this 'mysterious ghost meat', we'll be making a absolutely scrumptious and fat-free 'Spectral Souffle' today! Now the first thing you want to do is get your hands on some top-quality ghost coldcuts, some flour,
eggs, sugar, milk, and butter, and place them all in a spectral cooking dish. Or, if you don't have one of those,
I guess a regular 'Earthly' cooking pan will suffice! Then, you just shove it in your oven and let it bake for 30 minutes before removing. Now, I know what your thinking: Goku, don't you usually make some sort of meal instead of just a simple desert? Well, I understand where you're coming from, but the answer is NO! And don't you ever talk back to me like that again, or so help me God I'll haunt you for the rest of your life! Now then, where was I? Oh yes,
the oven! You'll want to set the oven's heat to the highest possible preset; in the afterlife, that'll be 'Hell's Bowels', and in the real world I think it'll be something along the lines of 'Maximum' or something; I don't know!
(loud ding)
Goku - And it's ready! Now, the perfect side dish to go along with this delectable desert is a generous helping of my own personal 'Astral Cream'! Now, I guess if you don't have access to the afterlife, you'll have to substitute this with regular cream, but you'll be missing out! Now, over here we don't have to worry about calories or fat, or any of that nonsense, so excuse for a moment while I indulge myself in my psychotic food related fantasies! (dives head first into a bucket of fat and cream)
Voice - If you'd like to be an audience-member for a live taping of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour', just come on down to 'Son Studios' on Snake-Way! Or, if you're still alive, just hang yourself and let God do the rest! (winks)
Director - You know, after working on this show for two years, eternal damnation doesn't sound that bad.
Goku - (covered in fat) Alright, and I'm done! Now that we're finished cooking, all that's left is for me to hold my usual dinner party and see how it fares with my guests! Now I know what you're wondering: Goku, your dead, how can you have your normal party? Well folks, I've thought long and thoroughly about this. Firstly I tried to have all of my usual guests murdered so that they could join me over here in the otherworld, but that didn't go over to well, so I've just decided to rely on a close friend of mine to wish me back using the Dragonballs!
(meanwhile)
Krillin - Dragonballs, please bring my friend Goku back to l-- Wait a minute...Is this what I really want? On second thoughts, I am kind of hungry right now, and I never really did like Goku THAT much...especially his crappy cooking...In fact, I am kind of peckish for a grilled cheese! Hmmm, grilled cheese or Goku? Grilled cheese or Goku...
(long silence)
Shenron - What will it be?
Krillin - GIMME A GRILLED CHEESE!
(back in the afterlife)
Goku - Yep, any second now...(looks at his watch) Come on you no-nose, rat-faced midget fu--
(We're sorry, but we're experiencing some techincal difficulties right now! 'Goku's Ghastly Cooking Tips Hour' will return shortly.)
Goku's Voice in the Background - When I get my hands on that little deformed bugger, I'm gonna take my fist and go Super Saiyan on his fat a--
(And now we're back!)
Goku - Hello again everyone. Well, unlike how I had planned things, my 'former' friend, Krillin, decided that having a cheese sandwich was more important than reviving his life long buddy for the show! So, I somehow managed to talk my way into being revived for just 20 minutes so that I can proceed with my dinner party. See you there! (vanishes)
(moments later at Goku's house)
Goku - (suddenly appears) And I'm back! And now, we'll-- Oh, well hello there Krillin!
Krillin - (nervously) Uh...H-- Hey there bud!...
Goku - Surprised to see me?
Krillin - A...A bit...(swallows heavily)
Goku - Enjoy that sandwich of yours?
Krillin - Uh...I-- I think I'm gonna...leave now--
Goku - Can we turn the camera's off for a sec?
Krillin - No-- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T--
(the screen goes black)
Voice - 'Goku's Spooky Cooking Tips Hour' is brought to you by Doctor Heindlich's Rectal Cream! Now in three different delicious flavours!
Fast Voiceover - Do not ingest at all costs.
(back to the show)
(cut to Goku smearing scoldingly hot grilled cheese all over Krillin)
Goku - YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE CHEESE NOW YA LITTLE BAST-- (see's that he's back on) Oh! (quickly walks away from Krillin innocently)
Krillin - (twitching on the floor in a pool of melted cheese)
Goku - Heh! And I guess we're back! It'd be nice if for once my Director could tell me this, but hey! I guess that's what you get when you hire someone who's only got a high-school education, eh Mr. Director!
Director - Goku, you never even passed Kindergarten...
Goku - I--...(starts tearing up)
Director - Aw, come on now, don't cry!
Goku - (starts wimpering)
Director - Come on, I'll give you this baloney-cicle if you stop!
Goku - Agghhhhh-- Baloney-Cicle! GIMME THAT! (grabs the baloney popcicle violently and sucks it down) Ahhhhh,
sweet, sweet mystery meat...I can already feel my arteries clogging back up!
Vegeta - Kakarot, can we get this thing over already! My ass is starting to kill me on these blasted metallic chairs of yours!
Goku - Hahahahahaha, oh Vegeta! (slaps Vegeta across the back of the head so hard that both of his eyes pop out of their sockets)
Vegeta - (spurting blood from his face)...
Goku - Alrighty then! Now, unfortunately for us, the people in the afterlife didn't permit me to bring my 'ghostly' food back into the real world (Ghost bylaws), so I, being the genius that I am, smuggled it here!
Chichi - ...Smuggled?...
Goku - That's right! Be right back! (runs off into the bathroom)
(silence)
(loud flatulent noises)
Goku - Almost out!
Chichi + Gohan + Vegeta + Krillin - (puke violently)
Author - God, I'm never gonna hear the end of it for this. (starts writing his 'will')
Goku - (emerges from the bathroom holding his dinner on a large platter) Dinner is served! Eh? What's the matter with everyone? You all look like you've seen a ghost! Ah-- Hahahahaha, a ghost! Get it! It's so funny because I.
because I was a...a...yeah...
Vegeta - (popping his eyes back into place) Kakarott, if you think that I'm going to eat something that you just passed through your bowels-- let alone something you cooked, you're crazy!
Goku - (chuckling) Well, you don't really have a choice there Vegie!
Vegeta - Wha-- (looks down and see's that he's somehow suddenly strapped to the chair) WHAT THE-- WHAT'S THIS!
Goku - Hehehehehe, it's a litte something called a 'comical twist'!
Vegeta - GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (shoots the Author a death glare)
Author - Hey, don't look at me.
Vegeta - Kakarott...
Author - I'll-- I'll go crazy on your ass!...Yeah, that's right...Homie!
Goku - Now anyways, let's start the dinner already! Now, since I, and I'm sure you, already know, my guests aren't very fond of eating any of the food I cook. So, for that very reason, I had this large and ridiculously complex feeding machine built to do the work for them!
Gohan - Dad, who the hell would build something as insane as that!
Goku - Oh, a old friend of mine...
Devil - I'll be expecting your soul tomorrow Goku!
Goku - Yeah, yeah, yeah...Anywho, let's go! (flips the machine's switch)
(the huge feeding machine power up and starts violently shoving metallic pikes covered in food into the guests mouths; breaking all over their teeth and jaws in the process)
Goku - (delicately eating his meal with fancy utensils) Enjoying your meals?
(everyone is screaming in agony)
Goku - Good! And now to fetch the cream! (bends over)
(suddenly, everyone starts to float around and do crazy exorcist crap)
Goku - Uh-- Oh crap! I knew I forgot something! Folks at home, it seems that I forgot the most important ghost rule of them all: never feed your guests with live souls! Oh well, live and learn, eh?
Bulma - (walking on the ceiling)
Vegeta - (crawling down the stairs backwards)
Gohan - (spinning his head around and puking bile)
Goku - And that concludes today's episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Join me next week in Hell as I make my soon to be famous, 'Satans Flambee'! TA TA!
Priest - (holding a cross against Vegeta) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
Goku - Hello again folks! And welcome to yet another (and very delayed) installment of 'Goku's Bondage Hour'! Today we'll be-- Eh? Uh, sorry folks, I'm just now being informed by my producer that this is in fact a cooking show, and has nothing whatsoever to do with BDSM...Wow, that's embarrassing...Uh, tell you all what, I'm just going to leave for a moment and then I'll be right back, okay? (leaves quickly)
(silence)
Goku - (strangling the producer with the bondage outfit) HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES EH!-- Oh! I'm back! Heh...Anywho, as I'm sure you already know, as we last left off I was hit by a renegade dump-truck after chasing after my wonderfully crafted, and extremely expensive top-hat!
Director - Expensive? (starts laughing) That thing was like made of velcro and from the dollar store!
Goku - DO NOT BADMOUTH MY HAT! (takes a deep breath) It deserves more respect than that! Anyways, enough of this bloomin' nonsense! Just to recap what's happened in the meantime, I managed to gather a full crew for filming my show in the afterlife, using a bunch of ogres from HELL--
Funimation Dork - (paints over the word so that it reads HFIL) Yoink!
Goku - ...Yeah...And anyways, I've somehow managed to broadcast to the real world, so lets get going shall we? (walks over to the 'ghost' counter) Now, since baloney doesn't exist in the ghost-world, which I so harshly learned when I first arrived here (baloney withdrawal is a BITCH!), we'll be using the next best thing: spectral slices! I don't know what the hell they are, and I don't know how well they'll work, but hey, it's like the old saying goes, if life gives you lemons, you just squirt lemon juice back in its eyes! (smiles)
Director - Eh, I don't think that's how the say--
Goku - Now then, using this 'mysterious ghost meat', we'll be making a absolutely scrumptious and fat-free 'Spectral Souffle' today! Now the first thing you want to do is get your hands on some top-quality ghost coldcuts, some flour,
eggs, sugar, milk, and butter, and place them all in a spectral cooking dish. Or, if you don't have one of those,
I guess a regular 'Earthly' cooking pan will suffice! Then, you just shove it in your oven and let it bake for 30 minutes before removing. Now, I know what your thinking: Goku, don't you usually make some sort of meal instead of just a simple desert? Well, I understand where you're coming from, but the answer is NO! And don't you ever talk back to me like that again, or so help me God I'll haunt you for the rest of your life! Now then, where was I? Oh yes,
the oven! You'll want to set the oven's heat to the highest possible preset; in the afterlife, that'll be 'Hell's Bowels', and in the real world I think it'll be something along the lines of 'Maximum' or something; I don't know!
(loud ding)
Goku - And it's ready! Now, the perfect side dish to go along with this delectable desert is a generous helping of my own personal 'Astral Cream'! Now, I guess if you don't have access to the afterlife, you'll have to substitute this with regular cream, but you'll be missing out! Now, over here we don't have to worry about calories or fat, or any of that nonsense, so excuse for a moment while I indulge myself in my psychotic food related fantasies! (dives head first into a bucket of fat and cream)
Voice - If you'd like to be an audience-member for a live taping of 'Goku's Cooking Tips Hour', just come on down to 'Son Studios' on Snake-Way! Or, if you're still alive, just hang yourself and let God do the rest! (winks)
Director - You know, after working on this show for two years, eternal damnation doesn't sound that bad.
Goku - (covered in fat) Alright, and I'm done! Now that we're finished cooking, all that's left is for me to hold my usual dinner party and see how it fares with my guests! Now I know what you're wondering: Goku, your dead, how can you have your normal party? Well folks, I've thought long and thoroughly about this. Firstly I tried to have all of my usual guests murdered so that they could join me over here in the otherworld, but that didn't go over to well, so I've just decided to rely on a close friend of mine to wish me back using the Dragonballs!
(meanwhile)
Krillin - Dragonballs, please bring my friend Goku back to l-- Wait a minute...Is this what I really want? On second thoughts, I am kind of hungry right now, and I never really did like Goku THAT much...especially his crappy cooking...In fact, I am kind of peckish for a grilled cheese! Hmmm, grilled cheese or Goku? Grilled cheese or Goku...
(long silence)
Shenron - What will it be?
Krillin - GIMME A GRILLED CHEESE!
(back in the afterlife)
Goku - Yep, any second now...(looks at his watch) Come on you no-nose, rat-faced midget fu--
(We're sorry, but we're experiencing some techincal difficulties right now! 'Goku's Ghastly Cooking Tips Hour' will return shortly.)
Goku's Voice in the Background - When I get my hands on that little deformed bugger, I'm gonna take my fist and go Super Saiyan on his fat a--
(And now we're back!)
Goku - Hello again everyone. Well, unlike how I had planned things, my 'former' friend, Krillin, decided that having a cheese sandwich was more important than reviving his life long buddy for the show! So, I somehow managed to talk my way into being revived for just 20 minutes so that I can proceed with my dinner party. See you there! (vanishes)
(moments later at Goku's house)
Goku - (suddenly appears) And I'm back! And now, we'll-- Oh, well hello there Krillin!
Krillin - (nervously) Uh...H-- Hey there bud!...
Goku - Surprised to see me?
Krillin - A...A bit...(swallows heavily)
Goku - Enjoy that sandwich of yours?
Krillin - Uh...I-- I think I'm gonna...leave now--
Goku - Can we turn the camera's off for a sec?
Krillin - No-- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T--
(the screen goes black)
Voice - 'Goku's Spooky Cooking Tips Hour' is brought to you by Doctor Heindlich's Rectal Cream! Now in three different delicious flavours!
Fast Voiceover - Do not ingest at all costs.
(back to the show)
(cut to Goku smearing scoldingly hot grilled cheese all over Krillin)
Goku - YEAH, HOW DO YOU LIKE CHEESE NOW YA LITTLE BAST-- (see's that he's back on) Oh! (quickly walks away from Krillin innocently)
Krillin - (twitching on the floor in a pool of melted cheese)
Goku - Heh! And I guess we're back! It'd be nice if for once my Director could tell me this, but hey! I guess that's what you get when you hire someone who's only got a high-school education, eh Mr. Director!
Director - Goku, you never even passed Kindergarten...
Goku - I--...(starts tearing up)
Director - Aw, come on now, don't cry!
Goku - (starts wimpering)
Director - Come on, I'll give you this baloney-cicle if you stop!
Goku - Agghhhhh-- Baloney-Cicle! GIMME THAT! (grabs the baloney popcicle violently and sucks it down) Ahhhhh,
sweet, sweet mystery meat...I can already feel my arteries clogging back up!
Vegeta - Kakarot, can we get this thing over already! My ass is starting to kill me on these blasted metallic chairs of yours!
Goku - Hahahahahaha, oh Vegeta! (slaps Vegeta across the back of the head so hard that both of his eyes pop out of their sockets)
Vegeta - (spurting blood from his face)...
Goku - Alrighty then! Now, unfortunately for us, the people in the afterlife didn't permit me to bring my 'ghostly' food back into the real world (Ghost bylaws), so I, being the genius that I am, smuggled it here!
Chichi - ...Smuggled?...
Goku - That's right! Be right back! (runs off into the bathroom)
(silence)
(loud flatulent noises)
Goku - Almost out!
Chichi + Gohan + Vegeta + Krillin - (puke violently)
Author - God, I'm never gonna hear the end of it for this. (starts writing his 'will')
Goku - (emerges from the bathroom holding his dinner on a large platter) Dinner is served! Eh? What's the matter with everyone? You all look like you've seen a ghost! Ah-- Hahahahaha, a ghost! Get it! It's so funny because I.
because I was a...a...yeah...
Vegeta - (popping his eyes back into place) Kakarott, if you think that I'm going to eat something that you just passed through your bowels-- let alone something you cooked, you're crazy!
Goku - (chuckling) Well, you don't really have a choice there Vegie!
Vegeta - Wha-- (looks down and see's that he's somehow suddenly strapped to the chair) WHAT THE-- WHAT'S THIS!
Goku - Hehehehehe, it's a litte something called a 'comical twist'!
Vegeta - GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (shoots the Author a death glare)
Author - Hey, don't look at me.
Vegeta - Kakarott...
Author - I'll-- I'll go crazy on your ass!...Yeah, that's right...Homie!
Goku - Now anyways, let's start the dinner already! Now, since I, and I'm sure you, already know, my guests aren't very fond of eating any of the food I cook. So, for that very reason, I had this large and ridiculously complex feeding machine built to do the work for them!
Gohan - Dad, who the hell would build something as insane as that!
Goku - Oh, a old friend of mine...
Devil - I'll be expecting your soul tomorrow Goku!
Goku - Yeah, yeah, yeah...Anywho, let's go! (flips the machine's switch)
(the huge feeding machine power up and starts violently shoving metallic pikes covered in food into the guests mouths; breaking all over their teeth and jaws in the process)
Goku - (delicately eating his meal with fancy utensils) Enjoying your meals?
(everyone is screaming in agony)
Goku - Good! And now to fetch the cream! (bends over)
(suddenly, everyone starts to float around and do crazy exorcist crap)
Goku - Uh-- Oh crap! I knew I forgot something! Folks at home, it seems that I forgot the most important ghost rule of them all: never feed your guests with live souls! Oh well, live and learn, eh?
Bulma - (walking on the ceiling)
Vegeta - (crawling down the stairs backwards)
Gohan - (spinning his head around and puking bile)
Goku - And that concludes today's episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! Join me next week in Hell as I make my soon to be famous, 'Satans Flambee'! TA TA!
Priest - (holding a cross against Vegeta) THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!