Fan Fiction ❯ My Adventures With a Crazed Elf-Man ❯ Annoying the Elf and the Mines of Moria ( Chapter 2 )

OMG!!!! I never expected that much feedback for only ONE chapter!!!! I love you guys SOOO much!!!! Ya'll are the bestest readers/ reviewers a girl could ask for!!!! I just want you to know that you ROCK MY SOX!!! The fox in sox says you rox. So, ummm…. Yeah. I'm a little stressed right now, so I'm gonna be a bit random. I have a ton of schoolwork and my family and a good friend are stuck in Florida. There's a hurricane headed there, the fourth in six weeks. I'm a little bit more than worried.

Music: Evanescence, their album "Fallen". "Tourniquet" is the song.

DISCLAIMER: We've been over this before. Two words: NOT MINE! I'm no J.R.R. Tolkien here. I'm just me.

REVIEWS

Alohi Luana: I was wondering if you'd read this. You got a detention? For laughing at my story? Man, when I read that, I felt so guilty! Damn Plot Bunny. And, I'm here to serve and provide laughter. -bows- I hope you survive! I still feel really bad. And snort-laughing? Like Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality? LoL. That's wild. I like Elfish insults. They're SO awesome! Thanks a million for the review! YOU'RE MY FAVORITIST READER!!! Not his sexy elf ears! NOOOOOOO!!!!

SeaStar: Thanks for the review! And yeah, as soon as I find my FotR video, yes, more from the movie. I'm using the books as a guideline for the moment.

Angel113: Thanks!

Nenfea: Sorry, didn't mean to offend! And Legolas isn't that girly. He's (dundundunduuuun!) CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!! Thanks for the `luvvlyful' review! And, yes, I'm evil.

DeeAurora: Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed! Hope you like this chappie, if you read this chappie!

hamilton: Thanks for the lovely, rambling review. Very excellent points, all of them. And all are 100% true. Your review made me laugh so freaking hard! You have no idea… Don't apologize, there's nothing wrong with rambling, I should know. Tee hee! Anywho, I like your e-mail address. Abso-bloody-lutely hilarious. I like to laugh, and you, my friend, are a master on the first try! Please, I beg of you, drop another review by! Enjoy!

Mary4angelus: Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it! Hope this chappie's up to your standards! I'm updating, no need for anger and violence… Hope you like!

Silver-maple-song: OoO. Pretty s/n. Me likey! Thanks for reviewing, and I'm truly happy you enjoyed the last chappie. THANKS!!!

The Two Best Friends: FINALLY, somebody (or somebodies) agree with me!! MORE LEGGY LOVERS, WOOHOO! Glad you liked it. XD!!

GamaFox: Thanks for the review! Very amusing. Are there two of you? Glad you found it that humorous! Zira- Same thing! Thanks a million!

Nilimade: Thanks for the review.

YOU MUST READ!!!!!!! V (that's supposed to be an arrow. Hehehe.)

WARNING: I CAN'T FIND MY LOTR VIDEOS, SO UNTIL I DO I'M GONNA WING IT AND USE THE BOOKS AND WHAT I REMEMBER!!! THANKS FOR YOUR ATTENTION!!!! ALSO, WHATEVER I CAN FIND WITH GOOGLE!!!

I screwed up last chappie. I'm backtracking and the mistakes have been fixed. So sue me. Not literally, all I have is… we-ell… MY BRAIN! Which isn't worth much really, unless you're getting a brain-transplant and don't mind being completely insane. Mistakes and thoughts are in italics. Oh yeah, forget the falling asleep part last chappie. My bad! It was afternoon, so I'm up and at 'em.

Chapter Two

Annoying the Elf and Entering the Mines

"If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they're not, I would say we were taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome," Gimli said.

"No, Gimli, I would not take the road through Moria unless I had no other choice." The wizard stared at the dwarf in an unnerving manner. Glad I'm not on the receiving end of it.

"Spies of Saruman! The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras," Gandalf said.

"No, duh, genius!" I grumbled under my breath. Legolas scowled at me, and I scowled right back. Evil elf. He's on top of me (hee hee! Compromising position) and weighs a ton! As if my body wasn't sore from dance class yesterday, let's add a male elf. Grrr… I thought Middle Earth was supposed to be fun.

He - finally - got up and walked back to the fire. "I suppose you could've told us this," he said to me.

"Actually, yes. I know exactly what you're gonna say, do, and who wins. If I'd remembered, I could've told you about the birds and crossing Caradhras. Why don't we go through the mines and miss out on a bunch of freezing, snow, and `foul voices on the air'," I spat. Can you say, mood swing? "We may even miss out on a whole bunch of brainwashing, Saruman, and Valar only knows what else!" Damn elf. He's getting my blood pressure up… Just think Evanescence, swimming pools, Daniel Radcliffe, skipping through a field of flowers, anything to calm down… Screw this! I want my Advil!

"Dammit, give me my backpack please! I need my CD player!" I told Gimli ever-so-nicely. He scurried off to get the big teal thing, and set it at my feet. "Can you untie me for a sec? I just want to get set up with my music, nothing more."

He quickly untied the ropes, with outbursts from Legolas ("NO! Don't do that!", "This is an unwise decision, dwarf!", "Only briefly", etc., etc.).

I put on my headphones, set it to repeat-the-whole-thing-repeatedly, and jammed to Evanescence. I didn't even notice the ropes being put back on, or when I started singing.

"… In my field of paper flowers,

And candy clouds of lullaby.

I lie inside myself for hours

And watch my purple sky fly over me…"

My knight in shining armor (the elf) stared at me and to the three watching this little soap opera said, "I'm the Master Singer. No one out-sings the Master." He said it so I could hear too.

"Dude," I replied, "this song beats any of your elf ones. I win that one. Also, I've never heard you sing and I'm pretty damn good. I win again. There's a new master in the house, and you're lookin' at her."

He stopped, shoulders stiffened, and turned to me. "What did you say?" he grated out.

I nearly peed my pants from contained laughter. Another mood swing has occurred. "You heard me, elf-boy."

"I challenge you to a - "

"Leggy, baby, just say `You're on.' That's all I need. And it's not longwinded either." OH! Score for me. Sam pulled out a pan and scratched something on it. I think he's keeping score of most insults-that-hit-home. I think I'm winning… YAY!

"Pft!" was all he said before launching into a - you guessed it - longwinded, but pretty, elfin song. When he finished, he looked to me and said smugly, "Your turn."

"Smug drunk monkey face," I muttered. Then, I sang "Break Away" by Kelly Clarkson. It's my favorite.

"Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window

Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I Would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Want to feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean

Get on board a fast train
Travel on an airplane
Far away, and break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging with revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me
But gotta keep movin' on, movin' on, fly away
Break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away

Break away
Break away..."

"There you go. Judges?" I called.

Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, Frodo, and Pippin wrote a name down and gave the papers to Sam. He flipped through them, making two stacks.

"Two for Legolas, two for The Girl - "

"My name is Sylwyn!" I cried. (That's my elvish name).

" - and one for The MVFA?" Sam finished reading. "Pippin, what's this MVFA dribble?"

"I dunno…" Pip muttered. "I" just felt like it…"

My ears had perked up. "MVFA, you say? OMG did she visit you?"

"Maybe…"

"Just say `yes' or `no'! She's my friend! I created her! I AM HER MAKER! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"YES!" he cried.

And that's the story of how Pippin became my friend.

"We tied?" Legolas muttered. "We tied? We tied. That - and I tied? Impossible! I am the master. But her name does mean `faerie music', so maybe… NO! I don't understand! I'm the master! By the Valar…"

"Looks like the Master has met his match. And his Mistress, in a totally non-sexual way. I am the Musical Mistress at my school. Bow down before me!" (A/n: I wish! That would totally rock though…)

"Why are you constantly bothering me?" he whined.

"Come, we must try to cross Caradhras! Let us depart!" Gandalf cried.

Gimli picked up my backpack and got in line behind the wizard, who I just noticed wasn't White yet. The elf ended up pulling my tether, making me almost last. When there were flurries of snow and several hundred feet between me and the nice, normal-altitude-level ground I heard Aragorn yell, "Boromir!"

I turned and saw Big B stoop and pick something up. I knew what was happening, and heard the scene play in my mind.

"It's a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over such a small thing. Such a small thing…"

"Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo!" Aragorn looked frantic - desperate almost.

"As you wish, I care not…" He handed the Ring to Frodo and turned back to our line.

That was when the wind started whispering.

"There is a foul voice on the air!" Legolas said, right on cue.

"Thank you Captain Obvious!" I shouted over our good old pal Saruman's voice. "It's Saruman!" Gandalf and I yelled.

"He's trying to bring down the mountain. Gandalf, we must turn back!" Aragorn said. I was quiet this time, because Legolas' glare was so intense.

"No!"

"Gandalf, the counter-spell ain't gonna work! We have to leave now, unless you want us to all get buried and freeze to almost-death!" I had to get the damn wizard to listen. Jebus, don't I have futuristic immunity?

"Losto Caradharas, sedho, hodo, nuitho I 'ruith!" (Sleep Caradhras, be still, lie still, hold your wrath!)

"Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë! Nai yarvaxëa rasselya taltuva ñotto-carinnar!" (Wake up cruel Redhorn! May your bloodstained horn fall upon the enemy's head!) Saruman countered.

"And cue the avalanche," I said, very disgruntled.

"We must get off the mountain, make for the Gap of Rohan, or take the West Road to my city…" Boromir said, after we all surfaced.

"I'm with Big B. It'll be warmer, drier, happier…" I said. Finally, someone sees sense! Get off the freaking mountain! That's a great plan. I wish I'd thought of it before. Oh, wait I DID!

"The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard!" Aragorn cried. Oh yeah…

"If we cannot pass over the mountain, let us go under it. Let us go through the Mines of Moria," my Homey D-Dawg said.

I could just hear Saruman's lines right then. The mines have a nice elvish (I think) name. Khazad-Dûm… very dark, pretty, mysterious…

"Let the Ring Bearer decide," Gandalf said.

"We will go through the mines…" Frodo said hesitantly.

I began preparing for the sadness that lay ahead. Gandalf is cool! I actually respect him! He's, like, the only one on this version of Earth that I admire for wisdom - besides Elrond. If I meet him, I have to get him to say "Mister Anderson." Tee hee…

"So be it…"

AT THE WALLS OF MORIA

"The walls of Moria," Gimli and I said together. The Immortal-I-Got-Beat-By-A-Human-Girl Elfman shot me another dirty look. I batted my eyelashes. He rolled his eyes. The hobbits watched our antics with amusement. Except Pippin, he and Merry over-dramatically imitated us.

"Oh Legolas! I love you!" Pip said.

"Oh Sylwyn! I hate you!" Merry said.

"I want to marry you, my elfin love!"

"I want to run away, hide in a hole, and never see day again rather than marry you!"

"I'll find you and be your sunlight!"

"NO! Anything but that!"

The elf and I looked at each other, and burst out laughing. Frodo looked slightly nauseous, but mostly entertained. Sam was by Bill, the pony (a/n: it's in the books) and sniggered slightly. Aragorn and Boromir rolled their eyes, and Gandalf was peeved.

"Ithilden! It mirrors only starlight and moonlight…" The moon shone brightly on the doors, the clouds on either side giving it a slightly menacing look. That's strange, I always feel comfy under the moon, but now I feel… jittery. "It reads: `The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, Friend, and enter.'"

"What do you suppose that means?" Merry asked.

"It's quite simple. If you're a friend, you speak the password and the doors will open."

Gandalf tried the Open Door spell in several different tongues, including Sindarin, Quenya, and many more I don't know. I don't even speak those two up there. I just memorized a little (mostly insults) of the web. I found in my backpack earlier an English-Elvish Dictionary. Wonder how that got there... I watched all this in complete pleasure. A wizard didn't get the riddle! I only knew of it because J.R.R. Tolkien said it was there.

I heard one of the hobbits - Pippin, I think - chucking rocks in the water.

"Do not disturb the water," Aragorn hissed. The plopping sounds stopped.

"Hey, Gandalf. What's the Elvish word for `friend'?"

"Mel-lon." The doors opened and I was grinning smugly. The Fellowship and the Extra (ME!) walked cautiously inside.

"Soon, Mr. Elf, you will experience the fabled hospitality of the dwarves: roaring fires, red meat off the bone… This, my friend, is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine! A mine!" Gimli boasted.

To Legolas I said, "Dwarves are really modest, aren't they?" I saw him smile before turning away.

CRUNCH! Yells sounded after a small - infinitesimal - pause. "This is no mine!" Boromir yelled. "It's a tomb!"

"NO! It's a field of flowers we must skip across singing "Tra-la-la!" Of course it's a tomb! Those are a dead things bones!" I cried sarcastically.

Gimli yelled something along the lines of NO, or he was screaming at my flower suggestion. My little leash-tugging elf knelt down to examine arrows. "Goblins," he said.

"SHH! Don't say that! The walls have ears," I whispered.

"We make for the Gap of Rohan! We should never have come here. Now get out, get out!" Big B said.

"Who died and made you King of the Friggin World?" I asked as I was dragged from the - the - the deathly messy place.

"AAAHHH!" Frodo screamed as he was grabbed and flung around in the air. It looked like he was a rag doll, from my angle and the way he was moving - seemingly limbless.

"Get off him!" Sam cried, hacking at the slimy green-grey tentacle.

"Into the mines!" Gimli yelled.

"Legolas!" Aragorn said. My elf (my crush has not been terminated, just lying dormant, waiting for the perfect chance to strike…) got out his bow and arrows and shot the thing and it died and we walked into the mines and here's what happens.

"Into the mines!" Gandalf was screaming. That sounds so funny now. Hahaha!

"We all rushed in (even Frodo cos Willy the Watcher didn't eat him) just in the nick of time. Willy (as I dubbed him the first time I read the books) tore the cherry trees from the ground after slamming the doors shut. The closest exit was barricaded.

"Curse you, Willy the Watcher! Curse you!" I screamed, walking around - to the full length of my leash - kicking stuff and muttering nonsensically under my breath for five minutes. The elf laughed after I stated, "I never should've fed you or nurtured you or clothed you or gave you a roof over your head you damn nail file! I'll get you back for that scratch, you mark my words." To the rest of the group I said, "And that is why you never go to Tatooine for toothpaste." I think they think it's a fact that I'm crazy. Like lock-me-in-a-rubber-room-with-sedatives-and-a-straight-jacket-guards-posted -at-the-door insane. Actually, come to think of it (yes, my brain functions in that way) Legolas was silently chortling the whole time.

We traveled through Moria nothing exciting, except Gollum stalking us, happened until the fourth and final day. We found Balin's tomb. Yup, complete with skeletons, rubble, debris, stench, and a book that would waste lots of time and tell a scary bedtime story.

Gandalf read what he could, and only served to enforce my beliefs of him having a demented childhood. He's a loony, wohohoh he's a loony. Talkin' about that loony of not-mine! I thought. I really need to cut back on Miss Congeniality. It's a favorite.

I snapped out of it when Gandalf snapped, "Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity." Hehe, Gandalf Snaps. Get it? I giggled, earning a strange look or nine.

Then drums started, followed by lots and lots of voices speaking gibberish. Legolas quickly untied my, handed me one of his knives, and shoved me behind a big pile of rubble. I amused myself by singing commercial themes for `Oh So Yummy, Goody Goody Gandalf Snaps' sold at a Krogers near you. Okay, so maybe I'm a little on the insane side…

"Orcs!" Legolas cried.

"Hey, Boromir and Aragorn and whoever else is trying to block the door - they have a troll, lots of arrows, and a helluva big advantage. And believe you me they're gonna use all of them before we get our asses outta here!" I called, still fighting the giggles.

"Thanks for that!" Boromir said, in a strained voice. You don't even wanna know where my mind went after that. Let's just say, the giggles were renewed. I heard the arrows whiz by and Big B jump back, shocked.

"You're welcome!" came my cheerful, singsong voice. I heard Gandalf mutter, "Thank the Valar I never married."

"Stay back! Stay close to Gandalf!" Aragorn son of Arathorn called.

"They have a Cave Troll!" Big B said, in annoyance.

"No, duh!" Guess who. First two out of three don't count.

"Let them come! There is one dwarf yet in Moria that still draws breath." Gimli was on top of Balin's coffin/ tomb thingy holding his ax menacingly. He's my Homey D-Dawg.

Cave Trolls, orcs, me in hiding killing the ones who come behind me little nook, yelling screaming, wishing for Advil, big BANGS! every so often, yadayadayada. No, this is an everyday occurrence. And you?

Oh! This is the part where the bad guys run away!

"Frodo? Frodo!" Sam cried. The Miracle Doctor says, `He's faking it! Just dump some water over him!'

"AAAHHH!!" Frodo screamed. Wait… he's not supposed to do that.

"What the bugger is your problem? Follow your God given lines! Hobbits! That one (Frodo) can't get a simple scene right! Hey, why are you all wet?"

"I was unconscious until someone threw water all over me!" Oh, little hobbit man's getting a bit feisty.

"Don't look at me! I was just over there thinking about how you were faking it and the cure was throwing water on you." Realization sunk in. "I didn't mean to!"

Silence.

"Okay, let's leave before our nice green friends come back," I said chipperly, grabbing my bag in the process. "Lead the way, Mon Capitan!"

"To the bridge of Khazad-Dûm!" Mithrandir said. Yep, I know another word for `Gandalf'… Snaps. LoL.

LOTS OF RUNNING, EXERTION, AND BEING SURROUNDED BY ORCS LATER

"What is this new devilry?" Big B asked.

"It's a bird… It's a plane… It's a…" I said.

"It's a Balrog; a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!" Mithrandir said. Hmmm… Mithrandir Mangoes. It has a nice ring to it. "Lead them on Aragorn. The bridge is near. Do as I say! Swords are of no more use here." The orcsies were gone, and we were running.

Boromir almost fell off when we reached the stairs-that-suddenly-end. My elf pulled him back and leapt over himself, and steadied Gandalf when he landed.

They all jumped, even Gimli, and I was the only one left. "Come on!" Legolas urged.

I couldn't - I can't - I'm afraid of being on a rickety staircase over a never-ending pit of blackness. I shook my head, petrified.

"She's scared," Sam said. "Even we managed that."

Thanks for that. What a great confidence booster.

"Come on, Sylwyn!" my elf said again.

"I can't."

He growled in frustration. All of a sudden, his eyes lit up. "I'll give you kisses if you get over here!"

"Okay!" I said cheerfully. "Hang on." I unzipped my backpack and - somehow - pulled a small wooden bridge out. Don't ask how it got there, cos I don't know. I just remembered reading a fic with a magic backpack and BOOM, inspiration struck. I set the bridge across, walked calmly to them, and replaced it. To Legolas I held out my hand. "Where're my Kisses?" He stooped down and tried to peck my forehead, but I shoved him away. "Not that kind of Kisses! Chocolate Hershey's Kisses! I want chocolate now!"

"We must leave," he said exasperated. Arrows were raining down on us, funny I didn't notice before with my keen observation skills.

"Over the bridge! Go on," Gandalf shouted. We filed across single file and watched Gandalf face of with the Balrog. Hey! Balrog Bran! Tee hee…

"You cannot pass!" Mithrandir hollered. He had out his sword and staff, looking very much like an old withered tree that refused to uproot during a tempest. How noble and brave and heroistic and… and absolutely INSANE!!

"Gandalf!" Frodo called.

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Anor. Dark Fire shall not avail you, Flame of Udûn. Go back to the Shadow. You shall not pass!"

He brought down his staff and the bridge broke. Everyone cheered as the Balrog fell, me the only somber one. A flaming cat-of-nine-tails whip like things shot up from the pit and wrapped around Gandalf's ankle and dragged him to the edge. He barely managed to grab hold and say, "Fly, you fools!"

Boromir had to keep hold of Frodo who was frantic with panic. Some are crying, others serious. Aragorn looked at me angrily. After we were outside, on the borders of Lorien, he turned to me and said, "You knew this would happen and yet did nothing to stop it from coming! Why?"

"Because if I told you, you'd do something to change the future. It might have affected your future decision, the outcome of the war, Frodo's fate - the entire event chain! If I did that, then Middle Earth would've changed drastically and you wouldn't know what to do. In a way, I'm responsible for the future." He glared and stalked off, but I caught up and told him, "But I can tell you this - he comes back with a few… new surprises." Aragorn's smile was relieved.

"Legolas, get them up," my friend - no, companion said.

"Give them a moment, for pity's sake!" Boromir cried.

"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs. We must reach the woods of Lothlorien… Come Gimli, Legolas. Get them up. On your feet, Sam. Frodo. Frodo?"

We ran across a stream and through woods, winding our way around trees. "Stay close, young hobbits. They say a powerful sorceress lives in these woods, an elf witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell…"

Cue mystical voice in Frodo's head…

"…and are never seen again," my dwarf friend finished.

And again with Her voice in Frodo's head... I fell into silent giggles at Gimli's next line.

"Well, here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the nose of a fox." An arrow was positioned in front of his nose and he went cross-eyed.

"The dwarf breathes so loud we could've shot him in the dark," Haldir said.

Gimli growled.

"Haldir!" I charged forward and hugged him. "Yay! Now I've done almost everything! Thank you! How are you, ol' buddy, ol' pal?"

"I don't even know you!" he exclaimed.

"That's the beauty of it! I met someone new, you met someone new… And that's what makes the world - go - round!"

"The child frightens me," he said to Legolas who pulled me away. Hey, at least he doesn't hate me anymore!

"I still hate you," he murmured.

"Love ya, too, babe," I said.

"Haldir o Lórien. Henion aníron, boe ammen i dulu lîn. Boe ammen veriad lîn," Aragorn said. (Haldir of Lorien. We desire your help. We need your protection.)

"Aragorn, these woods are perilous. We should go back…" Gimli said nervously. I nudged him, grinning manically.

"You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back. Come, she is waiting," my `buddy, ol' pal' said.

We walked farther into the woods, closer and closer to Galadriel and her powers… I was scared witless.

It's 3 A.M. I'm going to sleep nighty night! Please review. Is it too fast, too slow, too long, too short, too…? Please, let me know.

Luv ya,

Sylwyn