Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ All of Me ❯ All of Me ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

All of Me

Notes: This is my first ever, and hopefully successful, songfic. This will be a Kagura centric fic so if you don't like the character, or the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence then please save yourself the trouble of flaming me by not reading this fic. Warning there be a few moments of OOC since I haven't read all of the manga or seen any of the anime so please bear with me. I do not own Fruit Basket or "My Immortal" so please don't sue. Thanks for reading and enjoy ^_^

Sitting down on the curved seat of the swing I lift my eyes from its' preoccupation with the dirt ground to become level with the world around me. It is a small playground, not too far from the Souma family complex, which is where I should be since it will be night soon; but for now I just want to stand, or rather sit and think about things. I can feel a small smile cross my lips as I recall that I only have a few months at the junior college before I can finally graduate. I can hardly wait to go out on my own, maybe even leave Japan for a while, but I am kind of hesitant of leaving because that would mean that I would have to get permission from Akito to leave.

I am so tried of being here

Chills crawl down my spine as I remember all the acts of violence that he has inflicted on my cousins over the years.

Would he be mad at me if I were to leave? I don't see why he would want me to stay though. I am not important like Hatori or Shigure, now as valuable to him as Yuki. So there should be no reason why he wouldn't allow me to leave Japan. However, if nothing else, living under Akito's rule has taught me that the our `God' is very dangerous and unpredictable.

Suppressed by all of my childish fears.

My hands lightly grasp the cool metal chains of the swing; I push my feet back and forth to give me just enough momentum to rise a few inches above the ground. A cold autumn breeze arises to run its' phantom fingers through my hair. I want to go higher and faster. I pick up my feet, kicking up dirt as I try to rise. A short giggle bursts from my lips as I slowly arise only to descend back then to rise. I don't think that I'll ever become too old to enjoy playing on the swings. No, this is one joy that I intend to keep and guard with my life just like my Kyo, I'll never give this up.

Suddenly my heart sinks back towards the ground along side the swing.

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave

I shake my head, trying to ward off the feelings that I know are going to come. First they stir just below the surface, tiny pinpricks of discomfort; but steadily they grow and intensify until it feels like I can hardly breathe. It has been several months now, but it still hurts, so much so that at times I wish I were dead or wish him dead. I try to brush these thoughts aside but it is a futile effort and it is made worse by the fact that I know what is to come. Oh why can't I just forget him!? Why can't I just erase all of these useless feelings!? Why can't the memory of him just leave me in peace?

Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

He is so much happier without me interfering, I can see it in the way he acts, he is becoming less harsh against others and he smiles a lot more, more than even when we were kids. He is happy. So why am I not happy for him? Is it because I am not the one who gets him to smile? That I am missing out on being near him, to talk to him the way I want to instead of the normal possessive rage that overtakes me? Yes, I am miserable because I can still see him from a distance but it is like I am on the inside looking out or maybe it is that he is inside and I am the one locked outside.

These wounds won't seem to heal

There are times that I want to scream at her, "He's mine! I don't care what you feel for him, he is mine and he has always been mine! You don't deserve him!" But just when I approach her with those words on my mind I stop myself because of the beautiful light that I see in her eyes. The brilliant shine of a girl in love; I should know since I have seen it reflected back at me when I would catch my reflection in the mirror when I was thinking about Kyo. Then I feel horrible, so ashamed of my venomous thoughts. I don't feel worthy to even be around them even if I just think those awful things.

This pain is just too real

Next comes the eating doubt that maybe Kyo never liked me because I was never pretty enough for him, or smart, or sweet enough. False hope springs up from this doubt, because I imagine what would happen if I could change, if I could become prettier, smarter, and kinder. Maybe, I wonder, maybe he can finally love me if I could do those things. But then I realize that yes I can do all those things, that I can become a different person just for him but no matter how hard I try there is one thing that I'll never be in his eyes.

Her.

Then the cycle begins all over again until I can bottle it all up and find something to distract my mind with something else.

There is just too much that time cannot erase.

For months I have kept all of these thoughts and feelings locked away inside of me. It is not that I am too paranoid to trust anyone with my secrets, but I would hate to think what Kyo would think of me if he knew that I was still hanging on to him all this time. It was all right to love him for years when we were kids because she wasn't in the picture yet; I had a right to my fantasies but now that she is his love while I am abandoned I don't even have the right to claim him as mine. He would think me pathetic if I were to just march over the Shigure's right now and hug him, boldly declaring my love for him especially in front of her. Amazing how just a few short months can change a one-sided love that has been building for years.

That is what hurts the most. Kyo and I have been friends for years; since we were little kids, we both practice martial arts together under the same teacher, and we even share the burden of the curse. I loved him before they even met. It should be me by his side, me who should experience my last years as a child with, me who should become an adult alongside him. It should be me. But even with all of my love, time, and devotion.it isn't me who will be by his side forever and it will never be.

When you cried I'd wipe away all your tears.

I have always wanted to be there for him. When we were kids I watched over him like an older sister or maybe his mother whom he lost tragically. I wanted to hold him close when he cried so that I could whisper reassurances to him. I wanted to tell him that I was there to protect and love him when no one else would. His sorrow, his anger, his loneliness, and the extra burden of his curse; any and everything I wanted to take from him and carry as my own responsibility.

When you'd scream I would fight away all of your fears.

Even when I was younger I knew that Kyo deserved a better life than the one he was living so I tried to do everything in my power to make him happy; I wanted nothing more than to make him smile. But even when I would try my hardest to please him or help him he would get mad and yell at me. At first his brass nature disturbed me and sometimes caused me to cry myself to sleep especially in these recent years. No matter what I did he never smiled for me. But then she came. And all she has to do to make him smile is to act natural around him and he smiles at her; even I have to admit that when he smiles at her he looks so unbelievably handsome.

And I've held your hand for all of these years.

Sometimes I wonder why it had to be her? Why did it have to be someone outside of our clan? Could it be that he loves her because she isn't apart of the clan, because she doesn't suffer from the curse yet still loves him? Could it be that they are in love because they are worlds apart in differences? So many questions whirl about in my head but it is not my place to solve them. They are together and that is all that should matter. They are happy and I want to be happy for them. But I still can't rid myself of this consuming sorrow.

But you still have all of me

I feel so lost now that I know that he will never be mine. I poured so much of myself into the illusion that he loved me that now I feel so empty. I want it all back but at the same time I want to hold on to these feelings because at times they seem to be the only thing left that I have to remember our times together by.

You used to captive me by your resonating life

I want to remember the days when I would just watch him through the corner of my eye and later giggle on my way home on how clever I was. I want to hold on to those nights were I would fall asleep with a sweet dream of a true confession of love from Kyo. I just wish for one more moment where he could hold my attention captive without me feeling guilty for loving someone who doesn't belong to me. But now I am not even allowed the privilege of fantasy without the eating guilt for loving someone whom now belongs to another.

Now I am bound by the life you left behind.

I still dream about him. But instead of the childish dreams of love and marriage I only see him in my nightmares. These dreams tear at my soul inch by inch with sharpened claws because I can see his face; hear his voice as clear as a bell. But I can't touch him, not even a hug because he is too far in the distance. So I run.

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

I race to catch up with him, hoping to catch him and hold him in my arms at last. The closer I move the further away he seems but I still pursue him. Then he stops long enough for me to catch him only when I reach to embrace him does he move towards her and hugs her instead. And I can hear him say the words that I have longed to hear for years so freely to her. "I love you." It is at this moment that I awake to a scream ripped from my own throat and heartbroken sobs.

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

I pull harder on the metal chain of the swing as I lower my head to look down at the ground. I want to scream at the injustice of it all. I want to laugh at the horrible irony that I still chase after him even if it is only in my dreams. But most of all I want to cry. My heart feels so heavy and yet empty at the same time. Closing my eyes I allow only a few tears to fall. I am mourning both the lost of my childish dreams and the death of the Kyo that I had created in my mind.

The real Kyo is not the person that I have loved. The real Kyo is a human being of flesh, blood, and soul. He and my Kyo are two different people because they love two different people. But now my Kyo is gone. All that is left is the real Kyo and I don't want him even if he was offered on a silver platter to me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

He loves Tohru; the real Kyo never even knew that I existed for anything more than an annoying little girl that followed him around only because she was feeding an insatiable and impatient dream. For once it is I whom is invisible, it is not because I have been forgotten or abandoned because my friends and family still love and care about me; but I can't shake the feeling that I am insignificant to the only person who means the world to me. I can stand right beside him while Tohru could be miles ahead of us and he still wouldn't notice me because he is looking ahead for her.

But though you're still with me

Well, as they say three is a crowd, so I suppose that I have found one more reason for me to leave this place after I graduate. It is impossible for me to stay here without the effect of either interfering with Kyo and Tohru's love or going insane; both options I want to avoid. I arise from the swing just as the sun finally lies down beyond the horizon while night slowly creeps up to take the sky unawares. Turning my head I take one last look at the sky bleeding a vibrant crimson. Now the sky is torn between the light and the dark with the dark winning, but even now there is for hope since the first bright shining star has made its' grand entrance. A bittersweet smile cross my lips as I find the irony in that the first star was the one to receive my nightly prayer that Kyo would one day love me.

I've been alone all along

But even stars can't grant all wishes, so I'll say goodbye to those childish dreams and find something new to long for. Something or maybe someone else to devote my passion to; there is still that consuming fear that might not ever met anyone that I could love as much as I do Kyo. I shake my head, lets' not even go there. What's done is done and if I want my friends to have the happiness they deserve, especially Kyo, then the least I can do is stay out of both of their lives as much as possible. So maybe I won't even wait until I graduate to leave, forget telling my mom and Rin goodbye, forget even asking Akito's permission to leave Japan. I just want to escape, to runaway from these haunting memories and endless sting of emotions that I know are wrong for me to feel. Maybe tonight I'll just take what is left and..

But you still have

Disappear.

All of me