Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Learning to Stand ❯ Truth, Lies, and Belief ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter 4: Truth, Lies and Belief

For the next week I immersed myself in the scroll. The woman who had written it made no mention of how she was able to write, let alone in ancient Chinese. It was slow going; I had to constantly refer back to various references to make sure I had the right character and the ink was so faded in places I was never completely sure if some of them were accurate. I only saw Isuzu-san in class. Often she was staring off into space and I made a mental note to ask her about her notes. I didn't want to lose my closest friend in the university because she failed her classes.

The next Saturday she knocked on my door, again at 11. I was so intent on `the project' that I didn't even hear her at first.

"Isuzu-san?"

"What are you doing? Didn't you hear me knocking?" she stalked into the room, wrinkling her nose at the disarray around her. "Don't you ever clean up your room?"

"I was working on the scroll."

"And?"

"She's an interesting girl, whoever she is. She was a servant in the household. Don't know how she knew how to write, but I'm not even close to halfway finished deciphering the characters. Would you like to see what I've got so far?"

"Sure." I handed her a single sheet of paper. "This is it?!"

"Um, yeah. It's not exactly an instantaneous process." She handed the single sheet back to me.

"I'll wait. I'd rather read it all at once instead of in dribs and drabs. Why don't you take a break?" I looked at her. She was once again dressed in a revealing outfit.

"Do you want to go to lunch again?"

"I was actually thinking about cleaning this sty." I laughed; I couldn't help it. Her look of disgust was priceless. It was messy.

"Okay." I stood up, stretched and got to work. In a half hour it was spotless.

"Guess that didn't take long. Want to go to lunch now?" she asked. I nodded. We went to the same café. She seemed preoccupied as she nibbled on the appetizer.

"What's up?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing I guess. I'm just a little distracted."

"By Hatsuharu-san?" She straightened at his name, her eyes snapping. "That's better. I wondered what was up with you this week. You seemed kind of spacey. What's going on between you two anyway?" I could see that she was fighting an internal battle as she stared into her teacup. I just watched the emotions play over her face: resentment, love, worry, fear, and finally determination. She looked at me and sighed.

"I guess I can tell you. He and I used to go out. I broke up with him about two years ago."

"But you still love him." I made it a statement.

"Yes. I still love him." The thought seemed to sadden her.

"And he still loves you." I was sure of it. Her head shot up again.

"I don't know about that. He did once; I know he still cares about me. But I don't think he loves me like that anymore. I killed that love."

"Why?"

"I had to. I couldn't let him be hurt by being with me. And he would have been hurt."

"Are you so sure of that?" She nodded. "Didn't you trust him?" She glared at my question.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well," I thought carefully about what to say next. "I've read a lot of different books on love. Everything I've read leads me to two conclusions: love is the greatest thing in the world. It's also the hardest thing in the world."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's easy to love someone, isn't it? It's harder to believe they love you as much as you love them. Why didn't you have faith in the depth of his love for you?"

"I…did. I just don't want to ever see him hurt. If I killed that love, that's nothing compared to what might have happened if I hadn't. He's a favorite and I'm…not. I'm not worthy of being loved by anyone, especially him."

"Is that why you're doing this?" She nodded.

"Maybe, one day, I can be worthy of loving him. And I can be worthy of his love. Right now, though, I'm nothing."

"What do you mean?" Our food was served, but we were so wrapped up in our conversation we didn't notice.

"My parents didn't love me. I thought they did. They went through the motions of loving me for eleven years. And then one day, they just stopped playing House and told me the truth: that I was a monster and they couldn't love me. It was the first time I truly felt…cursed. After that, I wanted to hold on to the fantasy, you know? But the more I tried, the more he hit me and she did nothing. It went like that for two years. They were really careful not to hit my arms, legs, or face. Just below the collarbone and above the thighs. When everybody found out they took me out of my parents' house and I moved in with Kagura's family. I was almost 14 then."

I just looked at her, stunned. I knew something bad had happened to her, but I never guessed this. I tried to absorb what I was hearing as she continued.

"And there was Hatsuharu. He helped me to come out of my shell. It hurt. I didn't want to love him, but somehow I just did. I knew I wasn't worthy of loving him. He's so gentle and kind. He knows what to say and how to say it. He sees so much more than people think he does. He still sees right through me. Even though I tried to distance myself from him, he hasn't given up. He still pursues me. I can't stand it! How can I protect him if I can't detach myself from him?"

"Maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you should try facing whatever it is together."

She considered my words for a minute then shook her head. "It wouldn't work. We had to keep our relationship a secret because we knew we shouldn't be together."

"But you love each other-"

"Sometimes there's something that loves one more than the other. Like I said, he's a favorite and I'm not. He's loved and I'm not. I've never been loved like he has. I could never be loved like he is."

"Stop it. Now you're wallowing. Isuzu-san is worthy of love. Especially Hatsuharu-san's love. I hope someday you'll see that." I looked down at the table. "Ano, when did our food get here?" She looked at me like I had lost my wits.

"You're strange, you know that?" I laughed at her.

"I'm happy that Isuzu-san has told me more about herself. I wish that she had had a happier childhood, but if she had she wouldn't be the Isuzu-san before me today, ne? Everything that's happened to you and everything you've done has made you who you are. And I like you. And I'm very hungry." I gave her a sad puppy look and she laughed and picked up her chopsticks.

"Well, then, we should eat. Even though it's cold."

"It's still good. And I'm too hungry to care. Ittadekimasu!"