Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ Gensomaden Excel ❯ Chapter 1

The secret underground headquarters of ACROSS had seen better days. Part of the problem was that the electricity had been shut off and they were still in negotiations with supporting cast members (They had just gotten past allowing the union a ramen break.) but the biggest problem of all was Senior Agent Excel Excel who had recently punctured a water pipe in an attempt to fix everything. Yes, now the ACROSS headquarters seemed to be a warped version of an indoor swimming pool than a headquarters for global conquest. Lord Ilpalazzo stood wringing out his robe as Excel did the only thing she could do. Panic.

"Oh no! Excel did not know that this high-powered drill would poke holes into the water system! Now the super secret headquarters of ACROSS is filling up with water and poor Lord Ilpalazzo's clothes will get all wet and he'll have to take them off to dry them and...Excel cannot say what she would really like to see because this is not some dirty, hentai lemon story although the rating and the disclaimer have not happened yet. Excel supposes that she could say the rating but water keeps seeping into Excel's mouth," Excel said as she floated on her back.

"Very well then. I shall say it. Ah-hem. By the power temporarily given to me I, Lord Ilpalazzo hereby claim this fic to be not over a R rating (younger audiences may find things objectionable and may want to hide their innocent eyes) and state that the author does not know...erm own any of the character that have appeared or will appear late on in this story although I do wonder what has taken this author's sanity....And anyone that says differently must be insane as well. Now that that's all said and done, Excel? Excel?" Lord Ilpalazzo inquired as Excel drifted by babbling about plastic monkeys. "Excel!!!"

"Yes Lord Ilpalazzo?" Excel asked as she stood up and saluted. Lord Ilpalazzo cleared his throat and leaned forward slightly in his chair.

"I have a new assignment for you. Take the Inter-Dimensional Anime Changer Thingie and seek out a person with lots of patience. I am sure they will have the skills worth of our cause."

"Excel will check into it right away!"

She pressed a button and Ilpalazzo shielded his eyes as a bright light flashed then sighed at the knowledge that Excel was gone.

"Now to call a plumber," he said as he picked up a telephone that floated nearby.

*************************************************************

"Hey Hakkai, how much longer 'til the next town?" Goku asked and Gojyo kicked him.

"You stupid monkey, you already asked that five minutes ago," he said as Goku pushed him.

"Stop calling me a monkey you perverted cockroach!"

"So how much farther is it?" Sanzo inquired and Hakkai smiled.

"At least two hours, I'm afraid," he replied as a brilliant flash of light shone out from a cluster of nearby trees.

"What the hell was that?" Gojyo asked, his cigarette hanging from his mouth in shock.

"A shooting star?" Goku asked then moaned in pain when Gojyo kicked him.

"You moron. Those only come out at night."

"Do you think we should check it out, Sanzo?" Hakkai inquired and Sanzo glanced at him.

"It's not our job to check out every single strange happening," he replied. "Let's just go. It's not our problem."

"What about a woman in strange clothes?" Gojyo asked and Sanzo pointed his gun at him.

"If you say another stupid thing, I'll kill you."

"I'm afraid that I must agree with Gojyo," Hakkai said and Sanzo looked at him.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because there is an oddly dressed woman in our way."

Sanzo looked up to see Excel waving frantically in their direction.

"Hey, she's not that bad looking," Gojyo commented.

"Let's go. We don't have time for this," Sanzo muttered.

"Excuse me. Excuse me! Excel is lost. Do you know where the nearest town is?" she asked and Hakkai politely smiled.

"As a matter of fact, we're on our way to the next town. You're more than welcome to join us," Hakkai said and Sanzo glared at him.

"You can sit with me," Gojyo said and Goku glared at him.

"There's no room back here, Gojyo," Goku hissed.

"So we'll make room. You're small, Goku. You don't take up a lot of space."

"Why don't you move? You're thin enough."

"She could sit on my lap."

"Let's just go," Sanzo muttered.

"She could sit up here with us. I believe there's plenty of room up here," Hakkai said and Gojyo leaned forward.

"If you want company up there, take Goku. I'll have the whole back seat free for that cute woman," he said.

"You can have her," Sanzo muttered.

"Miss, you are welcomed to sit in the back. Goku, come on up here," Hakkai said and Excel clapped her hands.

"Oh thank you, thank you! Excel is very grateful to you," she said as Goku climbed out of the back grumbling as Gojyo helped Excel in. He watched her climb in the back of the jeep and smiled.

"Shouldn't someone watch Gojyo?" Goku asked.

"He'll be okay. If he gets out of line, I'll kill him," Sanzo said.

"Why are you all picking on me?" Gojyo asked and Goku grinned.

"'cause it's so easy."

"It's easier with you, dumb ass."

"Let's not offend our beautiful passenger now," Hakkai said and Gojyo leaned forward.

"So where do you live?" he asked and Excel scratched her head.

"Well, actually Excel does not live anywhere close to here. You see, Excel is on a secret mission," Excel said and Goku turned around.

"What kind of mission?" he asked.

"If it's a secret, she can't tell you moron," Gojyo said and Excel sighed.

"Well first, Excel must find a religious type person. At least that is what Excel thinks she is supposed to find," Excel said.

"Well you're in luck. We've got a priest with us," Goku said then yelped as Sanzo smacked him on the head with his fan.

"What sort of problem do you have? I might be able to help you out," Gojyo said and Excel looked at him.

"Really? Oh Excel would be so grateful if you could help her out!" she cried. She embraced him and Gojyo grinned. With as simple as she seemed to be, he might actually be able to score before the night was over. "Hey wait a second, who's the star of this story? Excel does not want to turn this into a slash story. Excel is not quite ready to be in slashes with strange anime men."

"Then let me introduce myself. Sha. Sha Gojyo," Gojyo said and Excel looked confused. Sha? What kind of name is that? Oh damn it! Excel forgot again. Excel is going to think now, which is why there are no little quotation thingies over what Excel is saying because she isn't saying, she is thinking. Now what was Excel thinking about? Sha. Sha Gojyo. Oh that's right. That is not his first name. That is his LAST name. Last names are said first in Japanese. Gojyo is his first name, not Sha. Excel is so stupid. She forgot how Japanese people do their names. She is also a Japanese character but her name is easy to remember.

"So what is your mission?" Gojyo asked as Sanzo lit a cigarette.

"I don't do confessionals," he muttered and Goku looked at him.

"What's a confessional?" he asked.

"I'll tell you when we get to town, Goku," Hakkai said and Excel shook her head.

"Excel does not need confessions. She has nothing to hide," she said and Gojyo took her hand.

"Well if you ever have anything you want me to talk about, come find me. I'm sort of Sanzo's assistant," he said.

"Say what?!" Sanzo demanded as he pointed his gun at Gojyo.

"All right, all right. Don't get so upset. Geez."

"That is a cute toy gun the priest has. Do you all protect him?" Excel asked and Goku looked back at her.

"Why? He can take care of himself," Goku said.

"Do you need some protection?" Gojyo asked as he moved closer to her.

"Well Excel supposes that since she is not a regular in this anime and she has no clue what the plot for this anime is, it is safe to say that yes, she may need some protection," Excel said and Gojyo grinned.

"Well then, at the next town, shall we discuss my fees? Goku what the hell are you doing back here?!" Gojyo demanded.

"I think there might be some leftovers back here," Goku replied as he crawled around in the back of the jeep. "I'm so damned hungry. I don't think I'll make it to the next town."

"Hey monkey, we're almost at the town so can you forget about your stomach for a damned second? I'm trying to do something important here," Gojyo said.

"What's so important about girls? Unless of course, cooking. Can you cook?"

"Excel is afraid that she cannot cook very well," Excel confessed.

"Hey, maybe Hakkai can teach you how to cook," Goku said and Gojyo glared at him.

"We'll discuss this later. I'm busy right now."

"Yeah, busy making an ass of yourself."

"What did you say?! You're going to pay for that, monkey!"

"I'm not a monkey, you perverted cockroach!"

"So miss, where do you come from?" Hakkai inquired as Excel crawled closer to the back of his seat so that she could hear him better. Gojyo watched her with interest as Goku kept insulting and hitting him. Goku stopped and looked at the strange expression on Gojyo's face.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked as Gojyo lit a cigarette.

"Yup. That's just what I want tonight," Gojyo said. "Tonight is going to be fun."

Hey! Just where is this fic going?!! Excel think she should know, writer person. What kind of show is Excel in anyway? Is this a hentai show? Excel's contract does not allow her to make appearances in hentai and icky tentacle shows so if this is one of them, the writer of this fic is going to be in big trouble! If this gets any worse, Excel may be forced to call her agent!

"There's the town. I'm looking forward to getting away from you guys," Sanzo said.

"Come on, is our company that bad, Sanzo?" Hakkai inquired.

"When I constantly have to be with you guys, I tend to look forward to my time alone."

"Well I have no problem with leaving you alone. I've got my own plans," Gojyo said as he leaned forward and grinned at Excel.

Excel is thinking again. Excel believes that this one is not that bad looking but what would Lord Ilpalazzo think? Oh Lord Ilpalazzo, what should I do? When will this damned strike end so Excel can get back to her own show?

"Excel? Excel?" a voice said and Excel looked around.

"Where is that voice coming from? Where has everyone else gone? Is this a solitary scene?" Excel asked.

"Excel!"

Excel glanced up at the sun to see a ghostly image of Lord Ilpalazzo. She blinked her eyes in an attempt to make sure the apparition was actually there.

"You are not supposed to be here, Lord Ilpalazzo," Excel said and Ilpalazzo coughed.

"Yes well, I temporarily incarcerated the author to make this point," he said.

"And what is that point, Lord Ilpalazzo?"

"You must do everything you can to complete your mission. Even if you have to make personal sacrifices. Now I must leave you. The author is returning and I do not want to be here when he arrives."

"Personal sacrifice? Lord Ilpalazzo, you don't mean...?!"

"Ah there's an inn," Hakkai said as he drove the jeep down the street. He pulled the jeep to a stop and everyone climbed out. Gojyo helped Excel out of the back and grinned at her.

"Let me know if you feel like having some company tonight," he said and followed the others into the inn.

Excel stood outside of the inn for a moment in confusion. She then heard the cry of a small animal and watched in shock as the jeep transformed into a dragon. Hakkai stepped out of the inn as the dragon landed on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Hakuryuu. I did not mean to forget you. Aren't you coming inside, miss?" he inquired and Excel looked at him.

"Excel is not sure that she should go inside. She is afraid of what might happen," she said and Hakkai smiled.

"Gojyo is a gentleman. He won't do it if the woman is not consenting. You do have money for a room, do you not?"

"Money? Well....Excel must confess that she does not have any money."

"Well that settles it, then. You can stay with me," Gojyo said as he leaned against the door. "Sanzo can pay for it with his card."

"I don't think Sanzo will be in the mood to pay for the young woman, Gojyo," Hakkai said as Gojyo threw his cigarette butt onto the ground.

"He wants to get away from us, right? So he's gonna spring for separate rooms. He doesn't have to know that I'm doubling up."

"There's one problem with that," Sanzo grumbled and Gojyo started in shock. "Your loud voice carries. I heard everything you said. If you want to take that woman in with you, you're going to have to pay for the room yourself."

"Fine. Then you buy my cigarettes when you get yours," Gojyo said as Sanzo turned away.

"You buy your own damned cigarettes. I want nothing to do with the lot of you until morning and if you try to enter my room, I'll kill you."

"He does not sound much like a priest," Excel commented and Hakkai smiled.

"That is true but he was chosen to be a Sanzo," he said.

"You mean that's not his name?"

"That is his name. He took it when he took over his master's position. He is one of the five high priest Sanzos."

"We'll continue the history lesson later, Hakkai. Come on, I'm sure you're hungry," Gojyo said as he reached for Excel's hand.

"Excel must admit that she is very hungry. She has not had anything to eat in a really long time," Excel said.

"Then let's go to the dining room."