Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Frivolous Lovers ❯ Chapter 4

Frivolous Lovers

Gensomaden Saiyuki

Chapter Four

"You seemed troubled today. A penny for your thoughts...?"

Somewhat startled, Gojyo looked up. As always, Hakkai's expression was a blend of concern and interest, those sharp eyes flickering to him before glancing back to his papers. Forcing his aching muscles to contract and his form to relax, with effort, a ghost of a smile appeared in stead of the frown. He reached across the table and snatched his pack of cigarettes, careful to look anywhere but into the windows of Hakkai's green eyes, where he intuitively knew they would trap him into their depths. He didn't seem to be that attentive on Gojyo's profile, however, with his curiosity half-enticed into the morning papers. With a little shake of the pack, a cigarette popped out - and it was the last one too - he let it dangle between his fingers, absently making a mental note to replenish his stock. The morning succulence seeped into their hotel quarters, the contented stillness lying down upon them like a thick blanket.

"You'd need more than a penny," Gojyo yawned, and rubbed his eyes. Muffled yells and shouts drifted through the walls - it seemed like it was coming from next door - and he mentally blocked it out. "Don't people have anything better to do at this hour?" he muttered under his breath. Out loud, he said," Got a crick in my neck. Really can't sleep last night. What did they put under there, bricks?"

Gojyo's head slumped on the cool marble of the table, toying with the florescent lamp, the glow still burning brightly after a chilly night, its flames flickering, lashing out, before settling down with the ease of a quill. "It is fucking cold in here, Hakuryuu's busy snoring away, Sanzo and the idiot monkey are playing silly games with each other in their rooms," Gojyo complained. "Why can't we drag our asses outta here? Do you feel like an old scrooge? I know I do." Hakkai smiled dimly but didn't say anything. The feeling of warmth flooded Gojyo's head, as it continually did after a shamelessly satisfying session of studying his companion's handsome profile : the familiar stirring in his groin thrusting all judgment into the depths of abyss, every inch of skin screaming out for a kiss, a touch. The gratifying capture of Cho Hakkai, unguarded. Momentarily flustered, he reached for his lighter, lit his forgotten cigarette, and took a drag.

"We can't leave here unless we're sure Goku's recovered from his ordeal," Hakkai returned without looking away from the papers. "I'd like to take a walk around town too, but Goku's blackout is... rather alarming, don't you think? A mere shower of rain? Goku could manage much more than that." Raising his eyebrows, Gojyo looked at the man sitting across him, and for a moment, something hurtled through him, and he couldn't quite put a finger to it. Hakkai was busy skimming through the papers, his eyes shifting left and right - there was nothing out of the ordinary save the little formality Hakkai's tone chose to implement.

Hakkai was never formal with him.

Ever.

"You need to get out more, instead of worrying about others."

Hakkai didn't say anything.

"It's a perfect chance for us to stroll around town," Gojyo tried again. "If you keep this up, you're gonna fall over sooner or later."

"I suspect that's going to happen very soon... especially when you have Sanzo in... there."

That was hovering dangerously into unwanted issues.

Gojyo's attention was full now. "Considering Sanzo is the quite the last... I would've tended to him immediately, since there was no need for Sanzo to, but I seemed to have dozed off yesterday," Hakkai said lightly - his shaking fingers said otherwise. "I should thank him. The problem is... he hadn't left the room since yesterday, when he carried Goku over. It makes me... worry."

Gojyo automatically reached for Hakkai's hand. Just as their fingers touched, Hakkai quickly pulled away as if his skin were burnt.

... what?

"You have nothing to worry about," Gojyo answered slowly, still staring at the place where Hakkai's hand was before.

Something's wrong.

The leisureliness pranced out of those green eyes, replaced by something much more imperceptible. Hakkai set down the papers. "Only you would think so." Hakkai's smile was delicate - the barricade, the proficiently mask of ice that belied the optimism that made up the man's disposition; it was a despicable look, it was the only despicable look the man could attain, and it was far alarming than the tantrums of the man Sanzo himself. It revealed and betrayed nothing, and sometimes, it birthed the feeling of anxiety inside of Gojyo that simply wanted nothing more than gaiety to return back to its place. Only very few times were Hakkai's veiled side shown its fangs, however, Gojyo had never been a prey to it. Gojyo's unease was written across his face, spread itself out before Hakkai, read like an open book.

"And I have every reason to think so too," Hakkai shook his head for a moment, as if he wanted to shake his thoughts away. A pause, and Hakkai stood, straightening his form, obstructing the sunlight's radiance shimmering through the smooth glass, his silhouette carved onto the floor panels. "But yesterday... when I was sleeping..."

Gojyo's heart began to pound.

No, it's not possible.

He would've objected - but he didn't.

He was asleep. I knew he was asleep.

So what's troubling him?

Hakkai...

Hakkai stood before Gojyo, staring down at him. Again, Gojyo wished there was a possibility of imprinting feelings - any emotions - to those flat features. It didn't suit Hakkai well. It would never suit him well. Especially his eyes : They were blaming him for something.

Yeah, I'm to blame.

You're blaming me for... that time, right?

When I had him in my arms, and you on my lips.

I wondered when you're gonna get around to it.

Blaming me... but anything's better than this.

Don't just stand there!

"What's the matter, Hakkai?" Gojyo drawled lazily, the edges of his lips crinkling into a lopsided smile. "It's not like you to be this quiet. If you're... pissed about something, then have the guts to yell it to my face."

He seemed to struggle for words. Gojyo took that moment to snuff his cigarette onto the ashtray, conveniently across him, displaying his indifference. He held the upper hand, at least for now, the mask of surliness seeping into place. They were actors, on a stage, uttering lines that didn't hold a candle to what was authentic. Hakkai must know he was perched treacherously on thin ice, and that Gojyo was willing to be bound with him down that fall.

"We do need to settle something," Hakkai admitted, his tone even. "If I don't get it out, it's bound to eat me alive, sooner or later... until everything's resolved, nothing's going to change." He finally looked at Gojyo straight in the eyes. "But now's not the time for that."

"Not the time?" Gojyo echoed dumbly.

"Just yesterday... or more precisely, last night..."

Gojyo frowned. "What is it?"

"Last night... I heard something... I went out..."

Okay, I know he blames me for screwing Sanzo.

But at least he didn't mention it.

What about Goku?

Stumbling into the room at the most incongruous time?

Hakkai seemed to recover quickly. "I heard something in Goku's room. I didn't think anything of it, since he sometimes has nightmares... well... and yet, it was... somewhat strange."

"Strange?" Gojyo echoed. Even more strange is that Hakkai is actually stammering!"What's so strange about the brat moaning? He's probably jerking off or doing something equally dissolute."

"...he did?" Hakkai asked, looking startled. Gojyo thought he detected a hint of crimson splashed across Hakkai's cheeks, but he wasn't entirely too certain. Of course not. How silly it was, when the man never let anything hassle his poise. Catching Hakkai's face turn into a wonderful shade of red was one of the few things Gojyo would like to do before he turned into a ripe age of forty.

"No, well, not that I've seen him doing it, but it is possible."

"No, that's not it," The man shook his head, looking impatient. "Goku doesn't seem like the type to do... that. It's just that... well...

I found it a little odd that he wasn't in his room last night."

Goku's eyes quivered open against the drowning sounds of falling rain and blinked slowly. For a silent moment, he focused on the extent of drapes on the windows that fluttered soothingly, engaging to him, and his eyes followed their every movements, lifting up to the air enticingly, before drifting back down with the ease of a fallen petal. Rain lashed against the windowpanes, the howls of the chilling wind in the early morning. Turning his head to one side, he brought his hand up, studying the lines of his palm intently.

Forcing himself to sit up, Goku squeezed his eyes shut and then flickered open. He'd had a good night's rest, he realized, and the mist of sleep was still ever circuiting in him. A half-filled glass rested on the bed stand - he reached for it and downed the contents in one gulp. His eyes instinctively drooping, he coiled into a ball, resting his head on the pillows as he let drowsiness overtake him...

...wait.

There was a shadow, leaning against the door.

Mildly disorientated, Goku narrowed his eyes, now fighting against the sleepiness that threatened his wake. That figure, which he was almost entirely sure hadn't been there before, shifted towards ambiguity, moving and hiding with the shadows in the room. The perfect duplication of a statuette, if not for the small, rhythmic rise of the chest, the even movements of breathing - that shadow slithered to the window's borders - staring out perplexedly. His arms crossed with a vague manner of indifference, his head turned to the side, with eyes shimmering with the force of amethyst fire, the cynical, simplicity gaze of a predator that studied the world from the inside, looking out; his head shifted, and was momentarily shrouded with glistening light from the transoms - the familiar serious alignment of the jaw, the brief flash of light blond hair...

Goku sat up straight.

Sanzo.

Oh... that's right...

I fell asleep yesterday... what happened next?

Got a bruise... on my knee... he tripped me. That's right!

And I went on falling asleep.

But what happened after that?

Gently resting back against the pillows but not tearing his eyes away from Sanzo's form, watching him intently with unwavering rigidity - this was rare. The prospect to view Sanzo from an angle like this, in his unfortified state, unruffled, all except for the mask of blankness still etched on his features - being spontaneous and natural, a state that was conceivably forbidden to the eyes of a friend, to the eyes of a stranger.

No.

Goku mentally shook his head. No, it was impossible! Even for the extermination of demons that were carried out, there must've been some sign of emotions, the cruel smile, the genteel demeanor that only he was capable of, the cold irrevocability that was directed to them as well as the people surrounding him... but could that really be considered a moment when that mask had slipped? No, no one could ever be that capable of hiding their emotions so efficiently.

Then again, this was Sanzo.

Just as Sanzo started to turn towards him, Goku's eyes quickly flew shut. He feigned sleep, hoping against hope that Sanzo hadn't noticed - or more likely, chose not to notice, since when was there anything that could slip from the man's uncannily sharp gaze? Goku willed himself to breathe evenly, his eyes closed, resting peacefully, deathly afraid to be caught staring at his guardian - afraid, and dismayed, the feeling of insurgency, like a child whose punishment gained from seeking what he shouldn't be. Goku, very gently, sneaked a peek. Sanzo was staring right at him, his eyes thoughtful and flat, and his heart started to pound. Losing his resolve, Goku's eyes dove shut, unwilling to take that chance. The cold heat of Sanzo's eyes still on him - as intense and cautious, burning into his skin... long enough for Goku to realize that maybe Sanzo really did think he was asleep after all - and the man began to stalk slowly to Goku. Blind panic seized him as he tried mightily to remain immobile as he can ever be, the heat like feathers brushing along his searing skin.

Goku's eyes flew open, and immediately, Sanzo's eyes leapt to meet his, losing its equanimity, like a bird suddenly changing its direction, like a flower that bloomed and suddenly shrunk against the fall of sunlight. He saw a brief flash lurking in Sanzo's eyes - well caught, they laughingly told him - and then it was passed, the usual remoteness slid smoothly back in place, so instantly that he thought he must've imagined it. Something was lost then, at that moment, as the man masked everything in his face with the familiar camouflage of unswerving superiority, a mask of rigid formality.

Standing up, Goku wanted to say that he was all right now, that he didn't want Sanzo to look after him - as much as he wanted to tell Sanzo that a considerable distance between them would've been preferred, he discovered that he couldn't say it... yet - and Sanzo's eyes narrowed into sharp awareness. Goku found that his head was still spinning robustly, and the urge to speak up died down, replaced by something much colder, an icy and alarming loneliness, a claw-like alertness that pierced him with crystal clarity, like an arrow shot.

The betrayal was still fresh, like raw wound that stubbornly refused to heal.

Feeling empty and ashamed - for unfathomable reasons - Goku closed his eyes, and slightly bowed his head, his attention setting on the walls, the furniture, anywhere but the man Sanzo himself. Unnerved, Goku awkwardly prowled over to the door, mindless of everything but the unrelenting intent of escaping from the gripping pressure of two unwanted presences, sharing the same room. Arching his head down, he mumbled something unintelligible, and rested his hand on the brass doorknob.

Did he spend the night here? Watching me?

Something leapt to his throat, Goku could feel color draining from his face - how could he have allowed Sanzo to catch him when he was at his most vulnerable?

Pensive, Sanzo watched Goku's back stiffen. To think that such a small, irrelevant gesture could truly reflect the genuine emotions that Goku silently stowed away... well, he really shouldn't be surprised - this was Goku, after all, and it shouldn't be considered extraordinary. He was nothing, if not the inclination to blurt out whatever bubbled inside of him at certain times.

But if there was a time when Goku's emotions were at its peak... it would've to be when they subjugated the bed sheets, Sanzo thought. A touch that spoke more than any words could ever do, a sigh - a whisper, a moan, blended with elated delight, of untold secrets, and yet, with a restraint that mirrored the lingering caress of hesitation, all of them washed away like white sand to waves, caused by a single touch, and a murmur. But that kind of astonishing tenderness was nowhere to be found now. The unusually serious set of Goku's lips, the fleeting mixture of anguish and suffering exposed in the golden flicks of his eyes, the resentment that conquered the ambiance of an area where his feet were planted; it sparked a little something, a flicker of remote curiosity of a voracious cat - the differences between then - and now - were immeasurably great. He could no longer lay a hand on Goku without sensing the bitter retreat of loathing radiating from the younger boy's stead. Sanzo hunted his robes for a cigarette, now torn between disdainful annoyance and amusement. Albeit entertaining to witness Goku's epic struggle of conflicting emotions, he had to admit that it was also gradually hovering on the borders of limited patience.

But wait...

Patience... for what? What was he anticipating? Sanzo thought for a moment, and decisively found that question mildly interesting. What was he waiting for? Questions, questions, questions... if he could hoped to have all the answers to all his questions - or lack of - then he wouldn't be mystified by the game of hide-and-seek that held in its hands the wondrous mysteries... no, Sanzo decided. It completely wouldn't do at all, to do without the thrills of knotty indistinctness. It was that thrill he sought, and so, he would take his time. For a brief moment, he saw the disapproved face of the late Komyou Sanzo, shaking his head at his impudence, and Sanzo shrugged it off, smiling thinly. As much as he loved his master, what he did with his own quarry was nobody's business but his.

"What, running away after I took the trouble to slip in here? I think not," Sanzo remarked offhandedly, watching Goku's hand slid from the doorknob, and then back again assertively. He seemed to want to blurt out something, but must've finally decided against it. Almost with unbearable patience did Goku finally meet Sanzo's undaunted stare, and they glinted vibrantly, with a cold fierceness that held the craving of a challenge, to confront the ascendancy of his guardian. An unexpected frisson of awareness sparked inside Sanzo.

Playing games, are we?

How amusing... what an absurd brat you are, Goku.

Don't you realize it?

In these games... I always win.

And indeed, without another word, Goku stepped out and shut the door soundly behind him.

Sanzo shook his head. Seeing Goku's eyes like that, glimmering with barely suppressed... hatred? How odd... no, he couldn't even begin to grasp the notion - there was no one that was more aware of Goku's incessant loyalty than Sanzo himself, such dedication was almost rare to come by, and he recognized one such as that in Goku. Whatever it was that Goku was feeling underneath his skin right now, Sanzo had to admit that while it certainly wasn't clear, that expression prompted a distant memory of that fatal time, when something had caught Sanzo's attention and met the eyes of a wildcat, untamed eyes that were alive with perplexity and unshed loneliness. He had the same eyes back then, in that prison of a cave, devoid of sunlight and warmth.

Somewhere in mid-afternoon, the rain finally loosened up, much to Sanzo's satisfaction. Goku still hadn't returned to his room, and probably would never intend to, seeing that Sanzo hadn't once stepped out of there. Sanzo found it oddly amusing to see Goku running away at times when they crossed paths with each other - and to think that once upon a time, he couldn't pry the brat's fingers off his arms even if he tried. His amusement heightened, and he shook his head, before deliberately relaxing his form. As much as he found Goku entertaining to watch, he found it a little strenuous to have the brat occupying so much of his attention. Perhaps a little bit of liquor would help.

"Shouldn't you be heading out to town at a time like this?"

Not the least bit fazed, Sanzo looked behind his shoulder just in time to see Hakkai shutting the door gently behind him. A cigarette dangling between his fingers, Sanzo looked back out the window and took a drag.

"There's not much to sight-see." Indeed, there wasn't. He'd been here for only a few days and it was already starting to get to him. "Why don't you run along with Gojyo?"

"I want to know why you spent last night here," Hakkai interrupted, his tone light. "And what you did here."

Without even acknowledging him, Sanzo exhaled smoke out of the window and hid an ironic smile. He'd been wondering when the man would get to the subject. "I don't see how that's any of your business, Hakkai," he drawled, his eyes following the movements of a young boy playing catch out the window.

"I care about him, Sanzo. Of all of us, Goku is the one that needs... all the consideration he can get," Hakkai's tone was cautious, Sanzo noted with interest.

"Consideration? What are you talking about? Wasn't he the one that trounced all those fools of demons just a fortnight ago?"

"No, Sanzo," Hakkai gently replied. "While Goku may be tougher than all of us on a physical scale, does that mean his feelings are also included? He holds you the most dearly, and to have that devotion he felt for you crushed into pieces..."

"Hakkai," Sanzo interrupted unsympathetically. "Much as I love to have this little discussion with you, I hardly think I'm in the mood for it now."

"... why Goku was so strong was partially because his determination was fueled because of the sympathy and support for every living thing that breathes air, all those targeted by their nemeses, those demons... that's just what Goku is. Imagine someone he loves, and those feelings would amplify immensely..." Hakkai stopped, taking a breath. "And to have those feelings betrayed..."

There was something particularly strange in Hakkai's expression. Sanzo looked closer, studying the man's face attentively. He still couldn't quite put a finger to it, but what he concluded was that it looked suspiciously like wistfulness... the face of a person who desired to protect someone he dearly cherished. To protect... Goku?

"You sound like a poor sod, Hakkai," Sanzo commented, watching Hakkai carefully. "I didn't realize Goku was that important to you."

Hakkai's laugh was mellow. "Perhaps that was a bit overdone, but I'm not lying, when I say Goku is very important to me. He..." Hakkai stopped again, looking mystified. "I'm not qualified to say that he reminded me of what I was before... Kanna's... what happened to Kanna... but he symbolized something that was out of my reach, something I could never become. It's unnatural to have someone of his age and experience having that kind of foolish innocence...

... and since I couldn't grasp it... I might as well protect it." And then Hakkai's tone quickly grew sober. "And therefore, you can understand me if I said that I'm not really happy to have that innocence very nearly destroyed by the likes of you and Gojyo."

Sanzo's tone was dry. "I'm sorry if I offended you, Hakkai."

"You've got to understand. It wasn't the fact that Goku's most dearest person - you - went behind his back and bedded someone else... it was that you did it with a friend, one whom Goku considered to be very close. Gojyo." Hakkai looked down, staring at his feet. "I'm not even sure if that could even be thought forgiven."

Sanzo finally turned around and faced Hakkai, his face unsmiling. "You've been thinking a lot, haven't you? Are you accusing me of being the villain here just because Goku's moping around like a fucking child?"

"It's because you're Goku's most precious person, and I don't know how Goku feels right now, but I reckon it's safe to say that it hurts very much... because you're his precious person."

"Hakkai, Hakkai," Sanzo shook his head, his lips curved upwards into a twisted smile. "Never once did I want that burden. Like all of them, you're becoming a fool."

"A fool I will be to you, but that doesn't change what you did to Goku," Hakkai said sincerely.

Sanzo looked away, bemused. "You're labeling me as his most precious person, when I should be the complete opposite? Tell me, what is it then, if not foolish gratitude for being the first person to rescue him from his prison? Coped for five hundred years, and having not a single clue what true feelings are, it's easy for the brat to misplace gratitude with love." Sanzo met Hakkai's eyes unwaveringly, sharply. "Love is giving everything you've got - and of course, I can't do that. Even more for him, as he's that naïve, as you've said, that the idiot will mistake anything for the love he claimed to feel."

"And what of you, Sanzo? What if you had mistake love for... something else? What if that is love you feel for him?"

Sanzo finally allowed a small - mocking - smile to seep through. "That is, if I feel anything at all."

Hakkai's gaze was piercing, as if searching for the answers in Sanzo's soul. If Sanzo had to be honest, he would say that of the three that accompanied him, he found Hakkai to be the most level-headed of the group. A man who hid his troubles away with a gentle smile, the tender exterior that captured Sha Gojyo's full attention, a motherly figure that did well in its job to balance the natures in the group that clashed like the skies and the earth. Just as complex, possibly even more than Sanzo himself, there was no telling what was running through the man's head at certain times like these.

Hakkai was staring contemplatively at Sanzo. "No, it's not that you couldn't give everything you have, in the name of love," he said slowly, as if a realization had just dawned on him. "It's just that you can't, isn't it? Am I right? Sanzo?"

Of, all the...

Sanzo slowly walked towards Hakkai, his face anything but amused. Placing a hand on the man's shoulders, he murmured lowly, "Digging yourself a deeper hole, Hakkai?" He finally relaxed, and shook his head. "Not everything is what you think they seem to be." He let himself out the door, leaving Hakkai staring after him thoughtfully. Almost as if on cue, the drumming sounds of torrential rain began to rumble on the rooftops once more, its thunderous clatter of lightning and rain falling deaf on Hakkai's ears.

"How long does Goku have to suffer the full brunt of your consequences?" Hakkai murmured out loud in the empty space. "How long will we all be together, as a whole, again?

As soon as you take one step more, Sanzo. Just one more - tiny - step. But will you be able to accomplish something that simple? Especially when it'll take a turn of events like you've never imagined it to be?"

I waited alone, darkness gripping me like an iron fist.

And then you came.

And then you went.

And left the cries of despair humming forever.