Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style ❯ In the Beginning... ( Prologue )

In case you wondered, the following is a hopefully humorous crossover between Saiyuki and that marvelously quirky cooking show from Japan which features a standing army of four top-notch chefs who are ready to do battle against whatever challenger is chosen by their "lord and master", the inimitable Chairman Kaga! Granted, this won't be anywhere close to a reverent treatment of that grand show, neither will it be terribly well written most likely, but I certainly hope it will be funny for those of you who decide to give it a try.

Please note that this is indeed a shonen ai/yaoi piece and the pairings plus detailed warnings are listed below and I hope you will heed them before reading it. Whether or not this madness is continued will depend solely on supportive comments being left here or sent to the Casa de Llama directly and I sincerely hope that if anyone enjoys it they will take a moment and let me know. Feel free to skip the grading scheme, though, we're not in English class and this is just for fun anyway!

If, on the other hand, you *don't* want more or don't find it funny, just ignore this completely and I'll probably abandon it soon enough on my own.

Enjoy the Madness!

~~~Enigma~~~

(who just realized this is his first humor fic in over a year and a half and is suddenly wondering if this is such a good idea after all or not {shrugs, smirks, and runs it anyway} )

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Title: Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style [prologue/?]

Author: Enigma

Series: Saiyuki

Written: begun September, 2002

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: (Gojyo + Hakkai) (Kougaiji + Dokugakuji) (Sanzo + ?!?) [possibly more!]

Category: Crossover, Shonen ai/yaoi, Humor/Parody, Language, Squick. AU-OOC.

Archive: fanfiction.net [author: "E-sama the Llama"]

Warnings: crossover with "Iron Chef" [1], shonen ai/yaoi, occasionally tasteless humor, tongue-very-far-in-cheek parody, less than gentile language, squicky things here and there, far more random Japanese than normally found in a llama-fic because it's fun and silly, additional warnings and pairings possible as fic comes into being over time. AU-OOC!

Spoilers: To be on the safe side, assume that this is chockfull of spoilers big and small since when the Llama gets silly he often grabs too much from an anime series without realizing it. Oh, and to be even SAFER, assume the manga, the OVAs, and the movie are at risk, too. As for "Iron Chef" what's to spoil?

Disclaimer: "Saiyuki" is the property of Kazuya Minekura, et al. "Iron Chef" is a production of Fuji Television Network Inc. This unauthorized work of unpaid fanfiction is intended for entertainment only; kindly do not sue me.

Notes: What might happen if the bishounen and bishoujo of Saiyuki are forced to cover for Kaga & Co. on an episode of "Iron Chef"? Can we all say "mayhem"? I knew that we could!

*****

Kanzeon bosatsu drummed her long, perfectly manicured fingernails on the armrest of her special "Goddess Edition" La-z-boy ™ chair and scowled angrily at her right hand man as she demanded, "*What* did you just say, Jirousin?!" [2]

Sweat-dropping profusely and correctly fearing the wrath of an immortal beauty whose favorite TV program had unexpectedly announced plans to show a special "encore performance"--a.k.a. an unplanned rerun, something goddesses truly detest, of course--the bearded godling responded, "Forgive me if I failed to speak clearly, oh great one, but I said that 'Iron Chef' is showing the 'New York Battle' again this week."

Growling in a most unladylike fashion, the annoyed celestial asked archly, "And why, pray tell, would they expect us to endure *that* fiasco again?!" She snarled angrily, "Shit, seeing Bobby Flay almost electrocute himself was funny the first few times, after that it just got redundant."

"I know, majesty, I know," the poor man agreed, bowing repeatedly and trying to think of a way to break the *real* bad news to her highness. Not coming up with a brilliant plan within the time allotted, he gave in and told the mundane truth, "Um, it would appear that the entire regular cast was hit by food poisoning after last week's special Korean-centric kim chee battle and they are all still recovering." [3]

Oddly enough, this evoked a bit of sympathy from the previously uncaring goddess and she scrunched her face up and exclaimed, "Ewwwww!! They had the usual number of dishes all made out of over-spiced pickled cabbage *and* it wouldn't stay down?!" Turning her head aside and reaching for some mints she kept handy for distasteful revelations, you know, like finding out the bad guys were actually pretty decent fellows one couldn't obliterate with a wave of a heavenly hand, she added, "Now *that* had to hurt!"

"So true, so very true," the much-put-upon godling agreed with a sigh.

After thoughtfully munching on her peppermint Life-savers ™, all of which read "Titanic" on them for some unknown reason, Kanzeon bosatsu finally said, "Well, in that case, we'll have to do the show ourselves!" As the bearded man beside her paled visibly, she clapped her hands in delight and added, "Yes, that's a perfect solution! We'll give the world a whole new level of excitement in culinary warfare!"

Knees shaking and imagining the reaction if the easily annoyed Genjo Sanzo was told he was to be the flashy Chairman Kaga's replacement--something that would *not* go over well in *any* language!--the godling asked nervously, "Um, but what shall we call this undoubtedly unforgettable show, majesty?"

"What else?" The sexy immortal smirked, "It will be 'Iron Chef: Saiyuki Style!'"

Groaning as he face-faulted and ended up flat on the floor with one foot in the air like an incredibly overwhelmed manga character, Jirousin waved a hand to enact the goddess' wish and with a flash, they vanished from their heavenly palace entirely. Where they were to reappear and which of the poor, suffering souls they had influence over would become entangled in Kanzeon bosatsu's first venture in television production remained to be seen.

After all, this is only the beginning….

*****

To be continued.

Author's Notes:

[1] For those of you who may not be familiar with it, "Iron Chef" is the remarkable Japanese cult favorite that shows on Food Network here in the US on Friday and Saturday nights at 10 Eastern as well as numerous specials. The show's a delightful amalgam of culinary excellence in a one-hour, competitive format filmed, oddly enough, in an arena-like soundstage named "Kitchen Stadium". You don't really have to have seen the show to find this pathetic attempt at humor funny, but it might help.

[2] The names of the Saiyuki characters used in this fic are as per the "Saiyuki Official Fan Book" unless otherwise noted. Also, as for all the insane nicknames, terms of endearment, and appellations, um, well, uh, I blame my oft-silent humor muse Thalia who hasn't had much to say for a very long time and is feeling her oats at the moment.

[3] In all honesty, I used to love kim chee, but the experience the "Iron Chef" gang suffered from here is based on personal experience and it's been hard to face that super-spicy dish ever since!