I don't own Saiyuki, Kazuya Minekura does. I didn't write The Little Mermaid, Hans Christian Andersen did. I didn't adapt The Little Mermaid for the big screen, Disney did. Point well taken, ne?

The Little Mer- Bishounen

As narrated by: Nikoru Sanzo

Chapter 3: The Fighting Sea God and the Point of No Return

The three found themselves in a dark chamber with an elevated marble throne at one side of the room and a giant iron pot in the center. Seated on the throne was the dreaded Homura Taishi, the demented and fearsome fighting sea god, surrounded by his loyal and slithery subordinates, Zenon, the one- eyed moray eel, and Shien, the eel with perpetually shut eyes.

"Lookie here! Dinner for three!" Zenon chirped.

"Homura- sama, would you like to us to deal with these intruders?" Shien turned to his master.

Homura raised his hand, "Iieh, I'm sure Genjo Sanzo has come here for a VERY good reason, one I am very interested in hearing out."

"As you wish, my lord." Shien bowed. Zenon's hungry leers made Gojyo and Hakkai uneasy. Hakkai tugged at Sanzo' s hand.

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea. We're not afraid of them, it's just that this room is too cramped for us to move" Hakkai whispered.

But Sanzo wasn't listening. Undaunted, he swam towards Homura.

"I am told that you possess the power to… make certain things happen."

"You cannot begin to comprehend how grateful I am that you came to me first. I would have been insulted if you had done otherwise." Homura slowly raised himself from his marble throne and glided towards Sanzo. Polite but sinister. Gojyo and Hakkai braced themselves for the worst. But Homura merely patted Sanzo's shoulder and smiled.

It wasn't the creepy goons slithering about, or the intimidating fighting sea god that worried Hakkai. Rather, it was Sanzo's refusal to divulge whatever it is in his mind. What is he planning to do that is so unimaginable that he must go to these outlaws?

Hakkai almost choked at the shocking realization.

"Sanzo! You can't do this! Think of the danger you're putting yourself into!"

"I've already made up my mind."

Gojyo was onto Sanzo's plan as well. He tried to step between Sanzo and Homura, but Zenon shoved between them, snapping his teeth at the kappa.

"Sorry, no can do." Zenon grinned.

From where they were standing, they could see Sanzo and Homura talking earnestly in low voices. Hakkai and Gojyo didn't need to listen to the conversation itself. Sanzo will stop at nothing to get at his "new youkai pet", even if it means…

"Bestowing on you the ability dwell among the humans is no simple feat." Homura pondered.

"I don't care to live with those loutish beasts! There's simply the matter of finding a certain youkai who bothers me to no end!"

"Good! No need for maintenance!" Homura geefully claps his hands. Hakkai and Gojyo looked puzzled.

"Now, Genjo Sanzo, if you will kindly step into my magic pot we can get on with your transformation!"

Sanzo gets into the pot. "Well?! Be quick about it! I don't have all day!"

Homura gave a wicked chuckle at Sanzo' s remark. "Yes, you don't have all the days!" Hakkai frowned.

Homura motioned to Shien, who promptly pushed some buttons on the magic pot. A strange concoction gushed from a connecting pipe. The fire underneath the great vessel roared and threatened to engulf even the pot itself.

"He's cooking Sanzo alive!" Gojyo cried out. He and Hakkai would have jumped into the pot to save their friend had not Zenon and Shien barred their way.

"Baka! Just watch and enjoy the show" Zenon snickered.

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (drools hungrily): "Anou, Nikoru Sanzo- sama, I don't care what dish they come up with, as long as it's Sanzo!"<<

>>Nikoru Sanzo (eyes glazed): "Sanzo' s more suited for dessert! I prefer a certain flounder with a monocle for the main course!" (wipes her salivating mouth with the Kaiten Sutra)<<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (squirms): "Yamero! How many times do I have to tell you?! I'm not some glorified heavenly napkin!<<

>>Nikoru Sanzo: "Urusai! Do you want me to throw you into the pot with Sanzo?!"<<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (giggles): "Oh, please, DO throw me into the pot with Sanzo!"<<

>>Nikoru Sanzo (sneers): "Okay, how about I step into the pot with Sanzo if you don't shut up?!"<<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (grumbles): "All right! All right! You win AGAIN!"<<

>>Nikoru Sanzo (chuckles): "You never learn!"<<

Well, Sanzo didn't seem to be roasting alive or anything. Thick deep purple smoke enveloped the mer- priest, then filled the entire room. Amidst the gagging and coughing, Homura could be heard yelling, "Zenon! Shien! How many times do I have to cram it into your freakin' heads?! I want COTTON-CANDY PINK smoke, not some sissy deep purple!" and Zenon defending himself, "Who's the DEMENTED LUNATIC (redundancy intended) who switched smoke bombs?!"

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (sweat drops while looks accusingly at Nikoru Sanzo): "Now I know why last year's Changan Temple Carnival in honor of the Harumaki gods was a total disaster! << (A/N: Harumaki = spring rolls)

>>Nikoru Sanzo (crosses her arms and feigns an air of infallibility): "Hmph! It's their fault they didn't consult me! I wanted a string quartet that plays classical gigs and a Hugh Jackman Look- Alike Contest thrown in! And besides, I thought they weren't going to use the deep purple smoke bombs!"<<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (eyes Nikoru Sanzo suspiciously): "Oh, and I suppose the same can be said for the twenty-one kegs of root beer and fourteen gallons of wasabe fudge and green tea ice cream stolen from the carnival party?"<<

>>Nikoru Sanzo (blushes for a brief moment): "NOT STOLEN, BORROWED! With the Permission Slip to follow in a year! (smirks) Imagine a bigger flop if I had put up a Heavenly Toilet Paper Look- Alike Contest!"<<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (glares angrily): "You're MEAN! You know that!?"<<

>>Nikoru Sanzo (sighs dreamily): "I wish Hakkai knew how much!"<<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon: *^_^ <<

Before the smoke could totally clear, Gojyo shouted at Homura, "What have you done with our shady mer- monk?!"

"Nothing, unfortunately for all of you idiots here!" came the incensed reply from the mer- monk stepping out of the pot.

Everyone peers for a closer look. Sanzo didn't change one bit.

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (sigh of relief): "Whew! I'm glad he's still pretty!" (Nikoru Sanzo nods her head)<<

Sanzo points his shoureijou at Homura, " Didn't I warn you against swindling me and wasting my precious time?"

Homura, unconcerned, " Be patient my holy mer- bishounen. The metamorphosis will take place only after you have given me something in exchange."

"You can have those two," Sanzo waves his shoureijou at Hakkai and Gojyo.

"You wanna piece of me, bouzou?! Huh?! Huh?!" Gojyo struggles while an embarrassed Hakkai holds him back.

"Wait, I change my mind. You can have the red gokiburi instead!"

Homura laughs his deep, seductive laugh, "You misunderstand me, Genjo Sanzo. I am referring to something that I want." He holds up an empty beer can.

Sanzo scoffs, "What do you fancy me to do with THAT? This sea is getting more polluted with perverts like you!"

"I've always wanted to… wait! What am I saying?!"

>>Nikoru Sanzo and Kaiten Kyoumon both agree: "Sexy fighting sea- god all right, but extremely disturbed!"<<

Homura approaches Sanzo, holds the empty beer can up to mouth level.

"I want you to speak…"

"Oh, I've got lots to say to YOU…"

"Not to ME, to HIM!" Homura points to the empty space above the magic pot.

Sweat drops appear on everyone's heads. A vein throbs in Homura' s temple.

"Zenon! Shien! Holograms pleeeeeeease?"

"Oh! Holograms, right!"

"So much for magic and stuff!" Gojyo snickers.

A switch is flicked and instantly, an image of Prince Goku eating a pile of pork buns appears on top of the magic pot.

"That BAKASARU! Never giving me a moment's peace! Why, I ought to…"

A torrent of expletives, too improper and naughty to be narrated here, echoed in the dark chamber. Although the others squirmed with unease at the amount of verbal abuse a holy mer- priest could spout off, Homura seemed strangely satisfied and excited. Hakkai wondered why. It wasn't long before he and Gojyo noticed an ethereal stream of light flowing from Sanzo' s mouth, floating straight into the beer can Homura was holding. To their horror, Sanzo' s voice slowly faded and disappeared altogether as the last of the stream of light from his mouth flowed into the magic beer can.

"What is it, Genjo Sanzo? Were you saying something?" Zenon taunted the stunned mer- priest.

Sanzo could only wave his hands to signify his intent to give Zenon a second mouth between the eyes.

"Sugoi! Sugoi! Can he stay like THAT for TWENTY- ONE YEARS?!" Gojyo exclaimed.

"Wow! You recover from shock so easily! Why twenty- one instead of twenty years?" Shien inquired.

"C'mon, what's one more year? I could ask for him to be like that for the rest of his corrupt life, but I'm feeling rather sorry for him right now."

Sanzo seemed to be gesturing a do-you-want-to-die wave at Gojyo, but it's pretty unclear, and could be an urusai -shine- ero-kappa wave instead. In frustration, he put a hand on his throat and gave Homura a death glare.

Homura laughed," A small price to pay for your peace of mind, ne? Instead of giving me dirty looks, you should be worrying about something else."

>>Nikoru Sanzo (dreamily): "I wish SOMEONE with a monocle or a Maten Kyoumon would give ME "DIRTY" looks!" <<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon: "You're hopeless!" <<

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. "What should we be worrying about?"

"To be frank, the smoke is just for effects. It's the miraculous goop in the magic pot that does the trick. Unfortunately for your sweet little friend here, he expressly declared that he has no intention to stay for a long time with the humans. Otherwise, I would have given him a longer- lasting formula that requires a few additional doses, instead of a one-shot deal. Why'd you think I said "no need for maintenance?"

Hakkai knew where Homura was getting at," How long?"

"Three days, tops. Time starts…NOW!" the warped sea outlaws laughed hysterically.

Sanzo ceases to float and begins gasping. Hakkai and Gojyo rushed to his side.

"Oh! I forgot to mention something else. Since I used a cheaper potion on him, there's a little thing we call a side effect that you should think about."

Gojyo grits his teeth in frustration," What now?!"

"It is Sanzo' s wish to make contact with the surface dweller. Unless the particular youkai expresses his true feelings for Sanzo before the potion loses its effect, Sanzo will turn into… (BOM-BOMBOMBOM! Close-up on Homura' s face) sea foam! Bwahahahahahahaha!"

>>Kaiten Kyoumon: "BOM-BOMBOMBOM? Where did that come from?"<<

>>Nikoru Sanzo: "You should watch more horror flicks." <<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon: "I can't. Scary movies make me cause accidents." <<

>>Nikoru Sanzo: "Remind me to send you the dry cleaners' bill for the robe you ruined. " <<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon(throws up its corners) :" Aw, c'mon! It was just an inkblot!" <<

Sanzo faints and Hakkai blurts out, "We've got to get him to the surface before he completely grows human lungs!"

As Hakkai and Gojyo hurriedly carried an unconscious Sanzo out of the cave, Zenon and Shien swam after them.

"You forgot these!" they hollered, waving the shoureijou and paper fan. But Hakkai and Gojyo felt that an angry Sanzo without his favorite things is better than a drowned Sanzo with his favorite things. They rushed to the surface without looking back. The two morays slither back into their cave, chuckling wickedly at their find.

AT THE BEACH…

Luckily, they were able to get the mer- priest to shore in time. As Sanzo lay sprawled on the sand, a wondrous transformation took place. Before Hakkai and Gojyo' s astonished eyes, Sanzo' s sleek and beautiful emerald fish- tail morphed into a pair of striking, slim alabaster- pale legs.

"Yare, yare desu ne!"

"What is it, Hakkai?"

"I remember humans and youkais wear something below their waist. I think they call it Pants."

"Think you're right. I heard they also wear something called an Underwear beneath those Pants."

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (snickers at Nikoru Sanzo): "Aren't we a little TOO PALE?" <<

>>Nikoru Sanzo (holds a mug under her chin and stuffs hankies in her bleeding nose and obviously having a grand time with her digital camera): "Shaddup, mmfg, gh- an't you thzee am, mmmmf, beezee?"<<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon (looks around): "Imagine the chaos if we had invited the Hundred Fan Girls, like last time!"<<

"Let's find something for Sanzo before anybody else sees us." Hakkai urged Gojyo.

"Can't we just wrap him with the Maten Sutra? I'm really hungry right now!"

"Gojyo, if Sanzo finds out we used the Maten Kyoumon for something other than banishing enemies, hunger will be the last thing we'll worry about."

"I don't care! We can't just waltz into town, enter a store and say "a pair of pants for our mer- bishounen friend please?", unless we want to end up in places we don't want to go!"

"What's the matter? Why are you giving me a peculiar look?"

"Since when did a flounder managed to stay above water and breathe air?"

"Just now, I guess. I'm a fast learner."

"Oh, yeah, I REMEMBER WHY!"

Hakkai blushes. "Let's try to get Sanzo- sama properly attired for his special meeting, shall we?"

>>Nikoru Sanzo (crosses her arms): "I swear, if didn't care for Hakkai, I'd give him a good whipping! Although that isn't such a bad idea!" <<

>>Kaiten Kyoumon: "Why? What's so awful about Hakkai and Gojyo trying to cover up Sanzo' s… oooh, I see!<<

Sanzo stirs slightly from his faint.

"Hakkai, here's our chance! Don't argue, just be ready to dive back into the water."

"I suppose we don't have any other choice."

The kappa crawls over to Sanzo' s side and grabs the mer- priest by his flaxen hair.

To Hakkai' s shock(Nikoru Sanzo' s and the Kaiten Sutra's as well), Gojyo starts slapping Sanzo' s face. "Oi, corrupt mer- monk! Wake up! I said open your scary purple eyes and …"

Without warning, a pale hand rises up in a gesture that can only mean one thing.

The Maten Sutra shoots up in all directions in a blinding flash. But without any evil to banish, the sutra grows limp and falls upon the sands. Realizing what has happened, Sanzo glares at the smiling Hakkai and Gojyo. He tried to gather the sutra, but as he stood up, his legs bucked and he fell on his knees. The two rush to his side.

"We couldn't find any proper human clothes for you. I guess the sutra will have to do for the meantime." Hakkai gently explained as he and Gojyo proceeded to wrap Sanzo' s body with the Maten Kyoumon.

"Looks like you need to practice your walking, bouzou. It's good to know you can use the Maten Sutra without your voice."

Sanzo opened his mouth, but no words came out. "Ch! When I get my hands on the bakasaru who put me through all this…", he thought.

A few minutes later, Sanzo is walking, nay, stomping around the beach, eyes murderous and nostrils smoking.

"Anou, I'm glad he's getting the hang of it." Hakkai beamed.

"You know, he swims like that sometimes." Gojyo mused.

"Somebody's coming! Let's run for cover!"

As Hakkai and Gojyo hid behind the rocks, Prince Goku came running along the beach, followed by a flying small white dragon. He spots a tall slender figure leaning against an abandoned rowboat and cautiously approaches.

"Hi there! What's you're name?"

Sanzo turns his head and freezes. He wasn't expecting an encounter with the bakasaru so soon. He opened his mouth, but he remembered his condition so he looked away, and pretended not to hear anything. Goku scratched his head.

"Kyuu!"

The little white dragon- Hakuryuu perched on Sanzo' s shoulder and chirped. Goku smiled.

"I guess he likes you, even without your name!"

*"Smart ass!"* Sanzo glared at the prince.

"From the way your eyes look at me, I can tell you're hungry. Let's go to my castle. It's not very far. We'll get you out of those rags and into nicer clothes. Wouldn't that be okay?" Goku chattered, oblivious to the fact that his new companion never spoke a word.

*"Rags? RAGS?! How DARE that bakasaru call the Maten Kyoumon a bunch of rags?! Where the hell is my harissen?!"*

Sanzo turned and glowered at Hakkai and Gojyo who waved back and smiled with a please-don't-do-anything-to-that-kid-for-at-least-three-days-or-you'll-turn -into-seafoam smile.

"Ne, Gojyo, maybe we should come back for his paper fan and shoureijou? Although it's not really a good idea to let Sanzo have them when he's around that youkai."

"What does he need them for? The way he looks at that kid, I swear he could either gobble him up alive or make him wither into pickled seaweed! Let's follow him! I wouldn't want to miss this!"

And so Hakkai and Gojyo hopped along and managed to cling onto the Maten Kyoumon. They disguised themselves with some loose strands of the sutra and readied themselves for just about anything.

TBC

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Nikoru Sanzo: Yei! We'll finally get to see Prince Goku's castle! Got our things ready?

Kaiten Sutra: (rummages through its backpack) Camera, water bottles, a bag of éclairs, instant cereals just in case we get lost and have to hide out in one of the closets or vases… sunblock…

Nikoru Sanzo: Whaddya need the sunblock for?

Kaiten Sutra: In case we get invited to the Sea Goddess of Mercy's pool party or we have to visit Prince Goku' s greenhouses. I'm a VERY sensitive sutra, you know!

Nikoru Sanzo: (rolls up her eyes)