Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Boys Don't Cry ❯ Chapter 1

"Boys Don't Cry"

 

 

“When?”

 

“Right now.”

 

“Where?”

 

“I'm at the house. Just use your key.”

 

“Eiri-boy,” I canhear him shift the receiver to his other shoulder. I can hear it, the sound of his breathing; it's heavy. Like I feel. I'm sick. I'm falling. I'm dying. “Eiri-boy, are you sure?”

 

Sure?

 

“About that little asshole leaving me?” I flick my lighter, burn the fucking note you left me. "Or about you coming over? Does it fucking matter?" The thing moves, like it's alive, and I'm killing it, burning it to death in my crowded ashtray.

 

Good riddance.

 

“I'll be right there.”

 

I hang up before Seguchi. I nearly place the phone back in the receiver, but it's next to my inferno-ashtray. I hold the damn cordless under my arm and watch the last piece of you transmute into fire and ashes.

 

You said you were done with me. That it was over. It's funny, how things work out, isn't it? Who would have guessed you would leave? Not for that Nakano. Not that nut Ryuichi. Not for anyone. Loneliness was better than my company. Who would have guessed?

 

That note. I could have said all those things. How you wanted to get away from the lovey-dovey bullshit. How I was a selfish jerk. How I was rude, childish, a prima dona.

 

Funny, isn't it? We were so much alike, Shuichi. So much more than anyone ever knew. You and I. We were so good together. So good.

 

When I began to understand, I think that's when the magic wore off. That's thenature of magic; it doesn't work if you think too much about it.

 

Funny.

 

The paper looks like overgrown burned popcorn. You would have said that. Shuichi. I can't believe how much of you is a part of me now.

 

I wonder what you're doing?

 

I set the phone into the receiver. It's safe, since there's no more fire. Any moment Seguchi will invade, like gangbusters, and reorganize my life. I can hear it now:

 

First things first, Eiri-boy: Take a bath, have a shave. Have some Scotch in your tea. No more cigarettes. Let me call a nice girl to take you out. Let me cook you a hot meal. Let me wipe your asshole. Let me… let me… let me…

 

Like he needs permission?

 

I remember something you said, once. “He's such an old lady. He even dresses like one.” You actually made me laugh. I kept laughing, too. You just grinned, watched me roll on the sofa, watched tears roll off my checks, as I repeated your joke.

 

Fuck. When did you figure out how uncool I really am?

 

I hear a knock. “I told you to just let yourself in, Seguchi.”

 

“You didn't tell me that,” I hear another voice as the door creeks open. It's not Tohma's. “But I'm betting it's okay if I come in, too?”

 

I don't turn around. I don't dare. “What do you want, Shuichi?”

 

“I just came to get the last of my stuff.”

 

“In the bedroom.” I left it there, intentionally. To let you take one last look at the place we shared. One last look. As if that could change your mind. Fuck, I am so pathetic, aren't I?

 

I don't want to turn around and see your cheerful smile. I don't want to know how happy you are to be leaving me. I don't want to know.

 

“So. This is it, then.”

 

“You got it?”

 

“Sure. Hey, Yuki?”

 

“What?” I light a cigarette and study a cloud through the living room window.

 

“You still got that note? I put my number on it, in case you need to call me.”

 

“Why would I need to call you?”

 

“I don't know? To talk?” I feel something on my shoulder. It's repellant: your hand.

 

“I don't need pity.” I shrug you off. “I'm glad you're done with this. It was a pain in the ass, being with a guy.”

 

“You're a funny guy, Yuki.” You playfully push my shoulder with your fist. Like we're pals. Like we never… loved each other. “You keep that sense of humor, okay?”

 

“Will do.” Is it so easy to let me go? Is it? Don't you remember when you would rather kill me, yourself, and let the rest of the world go to hell, for just one more night? Don't you remember those nights? The kind worth dying for?

 

When- how-? What have you and I become, that we can't love each other so ferociously, anymore?

 

When did I become uncool? I look at the sunset, then close my eyes. Time means nothing. Nothing, when you're dying, inside. I pray:

 

If there is a God, you will come back to me.

If there is a God, I will see your face; I will turn around and see you there.

If there is a God. If there is, none of this will happen.

If there is a God, he will make me cool, make me the man you thought I was.

If there is a God, If there is... Please let there be one, just to hear this ridiculous prayer.

 

Then I hear it; The door knob turns. So does my stomach. Am I happy that you came back? Angry that you left? Shocked? All of these things? More? Thankyou. Thankyou, I believe in you, God. Because I will see him one more time, one last time at least. I am like the setting sun, there. I just want one more moment. One more.

 

“Eiri-boy?”

 

Seguchi.

 

I open my eyes, and a streetlight's flickering; ready to replace the dying sun.

 

“You're early,” I say.

 

“Bad habit.” I can't hear his footsteps, I can only feel the sunset as he puts his arms around my waist.