Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Inertia ❯ Chapter 9

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

By: L_N

I light a cigarette and smoke plumes like a magic beacon that triggers a series of unperceivable events, like a game of physics/dominos. They lead to your light coming on. A flash- countless electrons streaming through the blue-black night. They frame you, Tohma. And even with through these tears I can see that light become your golden aura.

Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 08.16.2006 | Pages: 5 | Words: 4.1K | Visits: 467 | Status: Completed

Inertia part nine

How long have I stood outside, looking back up at you, like an outcast from paradise?

An hour?

Ten minutes?

A second?

All night?

Little bits of glass still ride the wind. Cutting little snowflakes. I blink and wonder how many microscopic bits I am collecting in my eyes.

Can you see me, Tohma? Did you know I could be bleeding, again?

Can't I… go back up there?

You said it was my choice. But you were the one who closed the door. You were the one who doesn't want this. Your weakness- it's my strength…

Even far away you are beautiful. So high in the sky, it's like the stars are easier to reach. But I can see you. I step back and pull the cigarette out of my mouth.

You must be looking out of the hole I put in your window.

I take a deep drag and nod. Good. Keep looking. Look at the mess I've made. Shameful, isn't it?

What kind of a god are you, to let this happen?

You let me believe. Like a stupid, spoiled little boy, fattened upon candies and fairy tails. You let me believe I could stop living this way. Stop being… that bastard.

You are… no god…

I see you raise your hand; it's a strange signal. You're wearing your gloves, again.

What do you do when a fallen god is watching you, Tohma?

I can't turn away. Even though he gave me the choice. It's like you created forbidden fruit for me.

Don't look down at me like that. You took a bite of the apple, too, Tohma. You bastard.

Don't tempt me with more. You wanted it just as much.

Don't damn me if I throw this cigarette to the ground and storm back up there, demanding everything you tapped inside my core with honey-sweet skill. You've got no right…

You bastard….

You fucking bastard….

I hear a boy's voice.

“Yuki.”

That name… I wince when I hear it.

“Yuki.”

Your light goes out, and you leave me, again. The name chased you away.

“Hey, don't ignore me! Yuki!”

Pink hair and arms: they hit like weapons. One for my chest, the others for my waist. They squeeze like a vice. I drop my cigarette somewhere between hell and purgatory, and then fall on the concrete intersection. Right on my ass.

“Shi?”

“Who else would come after you at four in the morning?”

He's got a point…

“How… did you know I was here?”

He sits up and crosses his arms. “I'm not an idiot, Yuki.”

I look backup at your dark window.

“Mika called.”

“Huh?” I light another cigarette.

“She was looking for…her husband.” He looks away and frowns. “I was going to try the Hilton next. I really just guessed.”

“You guessed right. Congratulations.” I pipe the filter and look away. I don't want to see his eyes when he looks back at me. The sky is so black. I wish I could fly away.

“I wish you were at the Hilton, Yuki.”

I nearly tell him to quit calling me that. I can't though, because I saw that sad, little boy face. It hits something inside of me- a chord on a piano I had never heard, until tonight. I don't see the assuming selfishness of a boy. I see only the heart.

I don't look up, but I can feel you watching me, Tohma. I can whisper the wind would carry it, like dew drops on an autumn leaf, to your window.

What should I say?

“Call me Eiri.”

“Like him?” Shi jumps up and points at you. “I already figured out that you came to him- Yuki. That's why I wish you two were at a hotel. At least it would have meant he was seducing you!”

“He did.” It's a pathetic whisper.

“You came to him. Here. Then you…” He chokes on the next words. They never come out. “When he was done with you he even let you use his cell phone to call me.”

“How did you-“

“Know?” He puts his forefinger on his forehead and rolls his eyes. “Caller ID!”

I fall back on my palms, cigarette drooping from my mouth.

“You really do think I'm an idiot.”

Isn't he? I blink and see Shuichi standing there, resplendent in his raggedy, ripped t shirt. The last bits of your shattered window fall behind him. He's so… pretty.

“You don't even bother to say I'm not. Even after I had to play damn detective to find you.” He gives me his little toy soldier salute. “Thanks.”

He's almost strong enough to pull it off, too. Almost…His lips tremble. When he licks them they catch a shine that matches the tears in his eyes. Oh fuck…

It hurts to see him cry, because I can cry like that too. I can feel that pain. Right here, in my heart. The same pain you gave me when you told me goodbye.

Oh fuck… I can't… I can't be that bastard, Yuki. I can't make a little boy cry… I stand up, slowly, unsure of what to do next. Are you watching me, Tohma? What… what do I do?

“Please, Yuki. What do I have to do to make you love me? Just a little?”

“I… don't know.” Because Yuki can't love you, I want to say. And Eiri doesn't know how. I can't say it, at all.

“What do I have to be? What is it you want?”

“I don't want this!”

Somehow I pulled him into my arms, or he found his way there. He buries his nose in my shirt, taking in our scent.

It doesn't drive him away.

“I'll be the one to call you Eiri.”

“Wh-wh-what?”

I nearly fall back to the ground, but he defies physics and catches me. His hands hold me at the hip, and with some unquantifiable strength I am saved.

“Is that what it takes?”

Is it? I gasp.

“Eiri…” For the first time I realize he's not crying. No. He's almost smiling. Almost. The promise disappears when he looks back up at your window. “Let's just go home. We can talk without an audience.”

He gives me one more hard hug, this time rubbing under my jacket, where you can't see.

I look up. You're standing there, watching us, with the light on, again.

“Take me home,” I tell Shi. I flick my smoke, then wrap my arm around him, not sur eif I am a boy or a man as I begin to walk away.

I… I can't help it. I have to look up at you…

You put one hand on your lips. Then you press your hand to your chest. I feel it, like a gossamer fairy wing on my cheek.

This is goodbye.

To the past.

To my boyhood.

To you. my Tohma.

I look ahead, and walk in crooked steps. I squeeze Shi's shoulder for reassurance. Somehow I want to find absolution in these kinds of tokens and gestures, with him. Maybe… I can let him do that for me, one day.

“I should stay with Hiro tonight.”

Son of a bitch! He would have to say something so asinine…“Why on earth… would you say… that?” I stop and grind my teeth.

“But I won't. Yu-“ He takes a deep breath. “I mean, Eiri… I can't leave you. But that doesn't mean you can treat me bad. Okay? You should actually treat me better, because I have no choice. You understand?”

I look back at your window. The light's gone out.

No. I don't think I understand. It's not something a boy or bastard can do. Only a man. Maybe… that's what you meant when you turned made me leave. I can't treat him this way, anymore. I can't do that and be the kind of man you could love, Tohma.

Goodbye.