Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ On Top ❯ On Top ( Chapter 1 )

 

Title: On Top

Author: Dave, DC

Type: One Shot

Rating: PG-13ish/R

Warnings: Reference to what Taki did to Shuichi, spoilerage for the series...I really have fun trying to write warnings for things...I should make a standard one like..YAOI ahead....bad stuff....anyway...*end ramble*

Summary: Aizawa's thoughts upon Shuichi as if speaking to the author. His reasoning and...obsession with a certain singer.

Disclaimer: Don't own em. Just borrowing.





I never wanted to be you. It was never about the fact your little band came out of no where and became an overnight sensation. We were at the top one day and the next, there you were.

You and that stupid guitarist. You dared to call yourself musicians. We worked damned hard to get where we were as well as to get the backing of N-G. What did you do?

Nothing.

You sang once with Ryuichi and rode to stardom in his shadow. Bad Luck should have been named Dumb Luck. That is all that brought you to the level of fame you have achieved. You know nothing about talent or drive. Ambition and power are beyond your idiotic comprehension.

All you want to do is sing. Sing and be happy. When I saw that in your eyes, I laughed at your naive stupidity. No one can be that sweet or dumb. No one that professes to be that sweet and dumb will ever survive the music business. But what did you do? You just had to go and prove me wrong. You. A spoiled child that should never have been allowed to pick up a microphone in the first place, let alone sing.

Shindo Shuichi.

It was never about your little band or the fact that ASK wasn't the best any longer. It started that way, true, but that was just icing. It was never even about how much of an idiot you are or how utterly innocent you were. An innocence that just begged to be taken and broken on the pavement of reality. It was never really about how talented you are or how beautiful you are, for a short, pink haired little punk that was nothing. You did nothing to deserve everything that has come your way.

You are nothing.

I did that to you. That murdering bastard you are completely obsessed over cannot have you. No one should have you. What is it about you that has driven me to such lengths just to prove a point? You never even realized the point I have struggled to pound into your head. True, I used your body to try to reach through that thick skull. What a failure that turned out to be. So, I'll spell it out for you.

You never saw me or noticed how I looked at you. You never really looked beyond the sneer and cold surface to see into my heart. Together we really could have been something. I would never have shared the spotlight with you but it wouldn't have mattered. Would it? I was the best. My group was number one until you came along. Until you came along and drew my eyes to you.

You never saw me.

I watched you. I learned everything I could about you in the hopes I could kill your career before it even began. I could have killed you but instead I ruined you. No one else can say that now can they. Yuki Eiri. That bastard. How can you love that murdering, cold hearted snake? How?

It was never really about that foreign looking, sad excuse of a man either. For almost killing my band member, I could easily have killed him. Only the president of N-G just had to go and interfere. You are the shining one, protected and loved by millions. Oh, I have fans but I knew you were going to surpass me. You and that group of yours have something ASK never could have.

Dumb Luck.

So, you see. It was never about wanting to be you or the fact you loved another man. You ...didn't care if he was a man. You disgust me. How can you love another man like that? How can you kiss him and let him touch you like that? It is wrong and unnatural. You are just a disgusting piece of filth that should never have been given the voice of an angel. Your siren song has turned me into something I don't recognize.

I look in the mirror and I don't know who Aizawa Taki is any more. He's in there somewhere, laughing at me for what I have become. I remember when music was my whole world and nothing else mattered to me. Having a hit single and becoming a famous singer were more thrilling to me than any girl. Being number one was all I ever wanted since I first heard Nittle Grasper.

Until I heard you sing and saw you light up like a godforsaken lightning bolt.

Don't you see? I had to bring you down from the pedestal everyone had placed you upon. Even if it took an unspeakable act to do it, nothing is sacred to me anymore, except you. I didn't touch you. I couldn't touch you or use you like that. Such acts of defilement are beneath me. Don't you see? I had to watch you break and shatter. I had to know that you were nothing special at all and teach you what the reality of this business is. I wanted your world to crumble in front of my eyes. You should have betrayed him. Anyone else would have just to save their own skin. But ...you protected him. The funniest thing is that it was never your place to protect the great Yuki Eiri. You were too dumb to realize that nothing you said or did could really change the inevitable.

I would bring both of you down just to prove my point. Still so naive and innocent. Watching you do a ghostly dance of sex and blood in my memory, all I can do is wonder. What did it mean? Why did you smile at me like that and try to tempt me? You disgust me. I can't help but ... envy you. Your innocence and dumb luck. Even that infuriating love you have for that bastard. I don't understand it.

I'll never understand it anymore than how you can taste like strawberry pocky. My whole cabinet is full of that stupid food now. It reminds me of you. In the end, I win. Even though, I was fired and pushed in front of a car. (That's something you remember for a long time.) All my dreams of fame and being number one went up in smoke. You brought me lower than any human being should ever be forced to go. You took all my dreams, all my songs, and all my glory. You took my band's place at N-G and for what? For some murdering bastard you loved like an idiot. I bet he doesn't even love you. Still, I win.

Because you will never forget me or fail to know who I am now.

Funny how destiny works sometimes. You're the one on top. I'm the one on bottom. I never wanted to be in either position. I just wanted to touch you. Is that so wrong? You never even remembered my name until I carved it into your flesh with a camera and a smile.

It was never about being you, only about having you. So, you see, I win. Your greatest pain and humiliation are mine. You belong to me through them. I will never let you go. Remember me because I cannot forget how badly you made me want you.

I hate you. From the bottom of the business, I watch you rise and I want to take it all away again. Why won't you just fall? Why couldn't you have been anything but who you are? Why did it have to be like this between us? I blame you for what I have done. Everything I have become is because of you. I hope you're happy, you little shit. If our positions were reversed, you would …

You would still be the idiotic whore you are now. I can't stop eating strawberry pocky and thinking about you. I've heard every song you've written, no matter how bad the lyrics are. I have to hear your voice. I want to touch you again. See what you've made me want? I'm as disgusting as you are now but I'm not the one that screams to the world about being a queer. No, I am a heterosexual man that has been tempted by something forbidden.

It is as simple as that. As simple as your eyes shining in the spotlights and voice burning a trail against my skin. I really hate you. The stupid act is all a joke. The sweet innocence is nothing but a gimmick to grab the fans and hold them. Shindo Shuichi screamed out of fan girls' mouths that don't know you like I do. Oh, I know you. I have seen you in your darkest hour and I have to say.

It was beautifully horrible.

I just watched. My hands are completely clean of your defilement. My actions were justified and perfectly rational. What happened was your fault as I've said repeatedly. I would do it again if I thought you might actually learn something. You just won't learn when to quit. Where am I?

Where is Taki? In the mirror, I see the same smiling face of the man who should have always been on top. I see that face and I break the mirror with my bare hands. Every morning, it's the same. I can't afford anymore stitches on my hands. I stopped buying mirrors. The reflection is a smiling lie and a drunken reminder of what I was supposed to be.

I had it all until you came along. The world was mine and you just waltzed in with your little routine. Your smile brainwashed millions of fan girls as your voice hypnotized them to buy your damn albums. I did the same thing when you were still picking at pimples. Surely you had pimples like every other teenager. Oh come on, don't tell me you didn't.

I'm sick of you. Everywhere I go, I see your shining face. It is worse now than ever before and I can't do a thing about it. I won't go back in the hospital. I can't. All I do is think of you and what I've lost. How can you still smile up on that stage? How?

I don't understand you.

It was never about being you. It was always about being me. I never knew. I never saw. How could I have been so blind? Just leave me alone. Take your smiling, shiny happiness and leave me alone.

I won. I won but I lost everything to do it. Just leave me alone, you little whore. I can't sing anymore. I can't eat or sleep and all because of you. I'm being consumed by Shuichi madness. Isn't there a cure for this somewhere? I should ask that murdering bastard you call a boyfriend if he knows a way to get you out of my system.

I hate you. Isn't that enough? Why can't it just be enough? There's one thing I still haven't taught you. Want to know a little secret?

It's lonely at the top. Take it from someone who knows. When you fall from grace, I'll laugh. The world will finally know that you are nothing but a worthless no talent hack. I've known that all along. How could you have possibly competed with my band? How dare you.

I constantly see you there, Shindo. On the cold floor like a fallen star burning brightly. You looked at me with those eyes. You were always looking at me as if you knew what I wanted in the wild, brutal moments of your abuse. You couldn't see how beautiful you looked in that suffering defiance. You were a shattered ruin that burned all the more brightly in your humiliation and pain. You burned, not because I watched but because you loved that bastard. In between the bright flares from the camera flash, you were alive and bewitching. If only you could have seen yourself how I did, you wouldn't have cried. You would have understood.

Now, you never will.

In the end, I was the one ruined. I wanted to get a few things straight before I let this go. (Will I ever let it go? Can I let any of this go? I think you know the true answer to that because you feel the same way, Shindo.) So go play with the stars and enjoy the spotlight while it is yours. It won't always be there for you. Fans forget you. Music tastes change and the industry rakes you over the coals. You'll be a has-been, dried up singer doing karaoke in bars for scraps one day. Just you wait and see. Everyone will forget you except me. I can't forget your shining body or that strawberry pocky taste.

I think I hate you. I'll eventually forget you but I'll hate you forever.