Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Remembrance & Recollections ❯ Remembrance ( Chapter 2 )

I can't believe this. Tohma is gone. He was the one real thing I was always able to depend on. We found his laptop, we all read the stupid reasons he did it. I guess they were good reasons to him. He slit his wrists. God, the ghastly image of his body laying in a puddle of blood on the floor, his poor little body pale and lifeless, and so cold. If there is one thing I will remember about Tohma, it's that his body was so warm when he held me. How could he possibly have gotten that cold? What's worse is that he died with that damn smile on his face. That goddamn fake smile that he showed the world and hid from the world behind. But never me. I was allowed his feelings; I was allowed his real smile. And now he's gone, and only now do I realize what he meant to me. Not nearly as much as Shuichi means to me; yes, Shu-chan, I do love you, even though I never say it; but… I definitely and undoubtedly loved him. And I didn't realize it until I saw him, so cold…

I guess it's my turn to tell my story. My name is Eiri "Yuki" Uesugi, and I am an author. If my words become too big to handle, you need to go get an education. I was born in a hospital, and my mother and father were married. I have an older sister, Mika, and a younger brother, Tatsuha. I live with Shuichi Shindou. Hello Yuki-san! -Shu-chan.Exactly. I don't know how I deal with him. Actually, I do know, and it is a very good reason. I love him.

Now, Tohma was my brother-in-law. But I have known him all my life, since I was born or so, so it's not as though he is just someone my older sister picked up. My earliest memory of him really telling me about his feelings was when he was 18 and I was 8. Now, his mom was dead, his dad was a dud, and his Aunt and Uncle, whom had custody, were royal dipshits, so he practically lived at our house. Finding him wandering our courtyard was not unusual, even if my sister was not home. Finding him wandering around crying is a different story. Tohma Seguchi was never much of a crier-went against his 'code of honor' or something like that. So, when I saw him crying behind a bush, I immediately went to him and wrapped my arms around his middle.

When I was born, I was light brown haired and light-eyed. I was, in Japanese standards, a straight up circus tent freak. My father looked at me funny, and my sister pitied me way too much. Tohma had naturally pale skin, blonde hair, and round, green eyes. He was, in other words, a freak just like me. We got along well.

So, back to my story. I wrapped my arms around his middle and asked him what was wrong. He gave me the entire story of what, exactly, had happened. Being eight years old and having no friends, I happily told him to stop crying because no one loved me either. He retorted that he loved me very much. Assuming he meant like a brother, as I was completely sure he was in love with my older sister, I told him that I loved him too. I will never forget that mistake.

From that day forth, Tohma Seguchi was up my butt like a horsefly is a horse. And no matter how much I swatted, he wouldn't leave. But I liked it, really. Here was someone that really cared about me. He had been there when my mother had died, and he was there the day that I came home with a bloody lip, a swollen nose, and a black eye. But then he married my sister, and he wasn't there anymore. My world really came to a halt.

I spent the better part of my teenage years trying to regain from various people the attention I lost in Tohma. My brother was becoming a monk already at such a young age, but I refused to touch the stuff. Nothing. I had nothing. So, I turned my attention to women. I found out that, with my odd looks that led many to believe I was a mix, and my natural flair for words and talent for touches, I could woo women five to ten years older than me. Problem was, I was also very fertile. So, one day, a girl came to me, someone I barely even remembered, and told me that she was pregnant with my baby. I told her that she was crazy, and on and on it went. Eventually, my rich brother-in-law Tohma gave her a huge settlement, and then I find out that she had a miscarriage anyways. Urg. Well, after that whole fiasco, Tohma took me up to New York to try and forget about it. My god, how stupid we both were.

In Tohma's memory, I will not relate the events of New York City. I will only tell you that I am a murderer, and Tohma is an accomplice. I didn't want to, it was for my own safety. But I am overstepping the boundaries, so I will shut my mouth now.

Later, in that Motel 6 or whatever, we lay there. I was sobbing uncontrollably; come on now, I had been raped and then murdered someone; and Tohma was holding me, telling me it was all his fault, and then he told me that he loved me. It occurred to me that he didn't mean like a brother anymore. Caught in the moment, so upset and young and used, I told him that I loved him too. He took me too literally.

I met Shuichi Shindou a few years later. Shuichi is annoying, loud, fagish, pink haired, and absolutely wonderful. He filled an empty hole in my life that I had been aching to fill since Tohma married Mika. I can't ever tell him all this out loud. Nope. Too much pride. Well, soon after I told Tohma that I didn't need him anymore, that I had told Shuichi all about New York. And soon after that we found him lifeless on the floor of his huge bathroom. I didn't mean for this to happen. If I had never met Shuichi this never would have happened. But Shuichi is just too breathtaking for me to let go. And I thought that I could have both of them, both him and Tohma. Now I see that that couldn't work. The stress that put on Tohma was too much, too great. And now he's gone, leaving me with all my realizations to deal with.