Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Blue ❯ One-Shot

Title: Wiggle Wiggle
Author: Sylvia Spivey (SS.)
Warnings: OOC, shonen ai 1+2
Summary: Duo struggles to find a release from his guilt.
Note: This was written for the May 2003 songfic contest hosted by SDDI. The song Blue is by Yoko Kanno and the Seatbelts. Lyrics are indicated by italics. Warnings: OOC, changing POV, shonen ai 1+2.

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(Heero POV)

Only on earth could you find such forests. The colonies could never give birth to such a natural wonder as the tall trees that towered over the highway. Giant rocks grew out of the ground like organic things. As I sped down the wide span of hot asphalt, I tried to keep my mind from wandering to Duo. It was hopeless. Every tree, every rock, every warm flash of sunshine on my arm made me think of him. Everything was vibrant with life, exhuberant with the summer day. I pressed down on the accelerator a little harder.

The tall trees gave way to an endless expanse of emerald-green grassy meadows. Wild mustard and poppies painted the sides of the hills with splashes of yellow and orange, and the grasses rippled along the gentle slopes like the sea's waves sliding along the shore. Soon the steepening slopes would give way to craggy cliffs covered in velvety green. The vista point, where I was headed, was gorgeous.

It was hot. I rolled down my window and the wind whirled into the cab of the small truck, whipping my bangs against my face and into my eyes. It was wonderful. It was the kind of feeling, the kind of freedom that I had always dreamed of. And Duo gave it to me. He pried me open like I was a fist, coaxing first one finger to relax, and then another. When war and aggression and tension are all you've ever known ... it's hard to suddenly act 'normal.' I was assessing a potential enemy with every glance, guarding against weakness with each word I grudgingly uttered.

Duo's love changed me. The silent soldier that I was would have snorted in contempt at the thought, but it's true. Sometimes you can't believe your own worth as a person, your own potential, until someone else shows it to you. That someone, for me, was Duo Maxwell. He made me ... whole. If only -

I caught myself before I could start to worry about my koi again. When the war ended the mask he wore started slipping away. And behind his smiles Duo had hidden guilt and grief that he just couldn't seem to let go of. I hoped that he would find a way to deal with it soon. I couldn't bear to see that wonderful smile fade. I looked at the speedometer, and then pressed down on the accelerator a bit harder still, turning on the radio one handed.

(Duo POV)

never seen a bluer sky
yeah I can feel it reaching out
and moving closer
there's something 'bout blue

I lay on my back staring at the sky. The war was really over. I hadn't allowed myself to believe it at first - felt like that fleeting feeling of relief would be displaced by news of an uprising, somewhere. Never really did believe there was a happy ending for us, for me. Sometimes I couldn't remember what we were fighting for, when it seemed like the war would never end and all I could hear were the staticky casualty reports on the newsfeeds, with the numbers climbing higher every day. I often wondered why the world had to be this way, why I'd had to hurt and ... kill ...

asked myself what it's all for
you know the funny thing about it
I couldn't answer
no, I couldn't answer

At the end of it all, there were too many dead weighing on my mind and too many questions left unanswered. I'd lost faith long ago, in god, in governments, maybe even in mankind as a whole. It was hard to believe when I'd seen children sell their small souls for sustenance in a seedy, forsaken colony. Where was god then? Looking the other way, I guess, like the rest of the worldsphere.

I watched the sun as it slowly sank and disappeared beyond the horizon. I remembered a sky just like this after the battle in Luxembourg, after Heero pressed the self-destruct button. The blast hit me like a physical blow; the sky seemed barren and bleak after he fell.

things have turned a deeper shade of blue
and images that might be real
maybe illusion
keep flashing off and on

Heero almost died there. I thought he had, actually. Trowa carried him away to heal, and I spent a few months thinking Heero was gone.

He told me later, he had wanted to die. The innocent deaths he'd caused at New Edwards weighed heavily on his mind. When he had healed enough, he hunted down the family of a man on the plane, begging them to judge him. He handed them a gun, but they told him to live. And so, Heero was free ... but I hadn't been absolved.

free
wanna be free, gonna be free
and move among the stars
you know they really aren't that far

Who would judge me? God? The only god I believed in was the God of Death. I suddenly realized that I had my answer, and I knew what I had to do. "The wages of sin is death," I quoted quietly. Shinigami had to sentence me. I stood and smiled sadly at the sky. Release or retribution? I couldn't know what my fate would be, but I couldn't stand to shoulder my sins forever ... I whisked a tear from my eye, and walked to the crumbling edge of the cliff. Forgive me, Heero. Please understand why I felt I had to do this. I love you, Heero.

A warm breeze buffeted me, pulled me toward the precipice as gently as a lover. I loosed my hair from its waist-length braid, watching thick brown tendrils whirl forward into an exquisite dance with the wind. "Shinigami," I whispered, letting my body lean slowly forward. My hair flew wildly in my face, focusing my sight on a tiny patch of deep blue that showed through. A feeling of peace washed through me. "Thy. Will. Be. Done." I leaned forward still more, and then I let go of everything - the grief, the blame, the guilt - and started to fall.

feels so free
gotta know free, please

Just as my foot slipped on the edge, a strong hand gripped my arm hard and hauled me back. We landed in a tangle of arms and legs a few feet away from the fall. I was sprawled over him with my cheek against his chest. His heart was pounding wildly as I lifted my head to meet his gaze.

don't wake me from this dream
it's really everything it seemed
I'm so free
no black and white in the blue

I couldn't help the laughter, the relief that bubbled up in my chest. I let it out. I could let it all go now. I looked into Heero's eyes and saw acceptance, understanding, love. He reached up to thread his fingers through my hair, pulling my face down to his and placing a gentle kiss against my lips. His arms were heaven, and I was happy to stay there forever.

everything is clearer now
life is just a dream, you know
that's neverending

He held me closer, wrapping both arms around me and kissing me again with an urgency that spoke volumes.

I'm ascending

(Heero POV)

I watched the green grasses rush by again as they wound away to a small point in the rearview mirror. Duo slept peacefully beside me on the truck's bench seat, heart-shaped face turned toward the sun's warm kiss. I stroked the side of his cheek with one hand, feeling him move toward my touch even in sleep.

I don't know what I would have done if he had fallen. From that height, he would have died. Perhaps I would have followed him right over the precipice, if I had missed his hand. Racing toward him, pulling him back into my arms from the brink, all I could think was 'I can't lose him. I can't lose him.'

I can't lose him. But I don't think I need to worry about that anymore. When he raised his head from my chest and looked into my eyes, I knew everything would be fine. Duo had found his peace - the shadows of guilt were gone. I couldn't stop myself from kissing him breathless. He means so much to me ...

He snuggled closer to me in his sleep, a small smile gracing his face. Seeing that smile made me feel as if I was sitting in a summer sunbeam. Warm. Hopeful. Incredibly happy. So many emotions welled up in me that I couldn't put names to them all. I didn't worry about it though. There was plenty of time, an entire lifetime, to learn to put words to the way Duo made me feel.

An open highway awaited us, under a deep blue sky.