Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Computer Wars ❯ Computer Wars Episode 4: The QC Strikes Back ( Chapter 4 )

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 4: The QC Strikes Back

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 3x4, 1+2

Warnings: Humor, mild Relena bashing, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Star Wars, Toyarus and the Dummy Guide series do not belong to me either.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

Special thanks: To SS. (for the pastel colour idea) and d_copper (for the tendency towards self-guilt idea)

Thanx to all of you reading too!

Owen frowned when he heard his mother yelling at him from the bottom of the stairs. Before he could react, the door to his room had been flung open and his two friends marched in much like it was their own room.

"Ian? Irvine? Why are you two here?" He asked, turning away from his literature book.

Irvine smirked. "Why? Can't we come over for a little fun?"

"Well, he told me that you own a QC. I wanted to see it." Ian replied as he nudged his companion.

"Yeah, I've heard that you have a HC and Deana has the DC. After playing around with my QC, I guess I'd like to know what they are like too." Owen nodded. "Come, I'll show you mine first."

Ian and Irvine flopped onto his bed and turned expectant eyes on him. Owen shrugged, got up from his cushioned seat, dragged Ian to the computer, and sat down on his own bed. "Feel free to explore. I wanna see you get freaked out by my oh, so awesome cutesy."

"Cutesy?" They asked in chorus, both wincing.

"Well, it's abbreviated is QC. My sis thought it would be neat to call it cutesy since the computer is in pastel pink and purple. The name kinda stuck." Owen answered, without a blink. "Anyway, I thought it's Quite Cunning. You'll see why later."

His American friend gave a silly laugh, and turned to the computer. "Oh my god! Five buttons on the mouse?"

"What?!" Irvine exclaimed, and he quickly clamoured up to see it. "You're right! It does have five buttons!"

"Of course it has five buttons. The creator meant for us to use all five fingers and in turn, use the mouse more effectively."

Ian blinked. "Well, I'll be damned! Hey Owen, can we exchange our mouse?"

"Sure… the day I'll exchange it with you is the day Irvine's 'cat' pounces and eats up your mouse."

"Gee… you didn't have to be so mad…" Ian pouted, and bent down to switch on the QC. It loaded pretty fast, and when the screen came up, he laughed so hard he fell off his chair.

Irvine laughed at his friend's antics, but when he saw the screen for himself, he too, fell onto the floor, clenching his stomach. "Oh my god! Your operating system is Losers 4000?" They laughed harder.

Owen glared at the two rolling idiots on the floor, resisting the urge to roll them with his carpet. "C'mon! I'm short of cash! So what if my operating system is the pirated version? It works just as well!"

"What? The original has a different name?"

"Yeah, it's called Winners 4000. For reasons no one but the Winner cooperation know, all pirated versions always appear as Losers 4000 in computers."

"Probably because only losers like you use pirated software [1]!" Irvine laughed harder, clenching his stomach tightly as tears rolled down his cheeks. Ian laughed his agreement. They stopped only when they had to beg Owen to let them out of the Arabian carpet.

The computer had been fully loaded in the midst of their laughter and jokes, and Ian eventually climbed back onto the chair once he calmed himself down. He balked when he saw the screen. "Anti-virus programs are up and running. Firewalls are up and running." He read aloud. "Why are those programs in plural form? How many do you have?"

Owen shrugged smugly. "Well, the QC comes preinstalled with 40 firewalls and 29 anti-virus programs. Guaranteed safety!"

Irvine nearly fell off the bed again, this time in shock. "Why so many?"

"I heard the QC was modeled after the heir to the Winner fortune. So I guess he must have a lot of bodyguards…"

"But 69?"

"Well, I don't know." He shrugged. "It's just one of the special privileges of the QC. Another accessory that came along was the violin, since Irvine bought his TC along with my QC.

Ian sweatdropped. Life was definitely different when one was rich. "Let's see your preinstalled special program then." He said, laughing inside when he remembered Losers 4000. Hopefully, the program was funnier than the operating system.

A window popped up with the words, 'Do you want anything?'

"I haven't pressed anything yet? What is this?"

"The QC's being polite. If you don't want anything, just ignore it. The message tends to pop up every once in a while."

"What can I want?"

"A beverage stand?" Owen suggested, and he leaned over to his computer, typing his request. The CD tray came out of the CPU.

"That," Irvine asked, pointing to the tray, "is the beverage stand?"

"Yeah. But I don't wanna use it. It could break." Owen replied, and pushed it back.

Ian and Irvine looked at each other. And sweatdropped. They turned their attention to the QC again.

"Nice wallpaper. Can you send it to me via email? You remember my email addy right? It's perfect_soldier@sshole.com, okay?"

Irvine whistled too. "Nice! Can I have it too? My email addy is mute@presence_of_american_boys.com, you remember?"

The said wallpaper featured a banged boy shackled to a wall, with a wide array of toys, not the ones you see in Toyarus mind you.

Owen agreed, in exchange for the HC's wallpaper.

That settled, Ian clicked on the special program icon, and the screen blanked out. It soon came back, with a pastel pink font that said 'Dummies' Guide to being a diplomat and peacemaker in arguments'. The American boy looked suspiciously at the title page, before he finally proceeded. True to its namesake, it was a book in program form that taught users the basics of being a diplomat and peacemaker.

Irvine pushed him away, and took the seat. He read, "If an American boy and a Chinese boy are fighting over the last piece of French toast at breakfast, grab the toast and eat it yourself. Then tell them, 'See? You don't have to fight anymore. I've just solved your problem.' Remember to turn on doe eyes and bat them."

"I think that's a killer. Wonder who can actually pull it off." Owen noted, smirking at Ian who was now muttering under his breath and getting up from the floor. "That program is nothing. The interesting thing is my new program, the one I got after I sent the QC for repairs."

"Yours had to go for repairs too? Whoa!!!" Irvine asked, then shouted as he was abruptly pushed off the chair.

Ian quickly reclaimed the seat. "Where's the program?"

"The icon below the Dummies' Guide."

He clicked on it, and the QC flared up. A pack of tarot cards flew out from the side of the screen, and started to line up. "What is this?" Ian asked, then was put into a trance. "I see my enemy… must destroy… Irvine's TC…"

"HEY!"

Owen shrugged absently, walked over to Ian, and shook him hard. "Wake up."

Ian was shocked out of his trance. "What… What happened?"

"The forecasting program probably affected you. You're amazing, Ian. You're supposed to wear the ZERO helmet before you'll enter a trance. I haven't even got a motorcycle helmet anywhere in this house!" Owen laughed, flopping down back onto his bed.

"ZERO helmet?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "That special program is the ZERO system. I got it only after my QC came back from repairs. I called the company help line, and they said it's a special quirk of the QC."

"And what exactly happened to your QC?"

"Well, my Fatherboard got fried."

"Fatherboard?" Ian and Irvine blinked.

"Fatherboard." Owen parroted. "It's the equivalent of other computers' motherboard."

They sweatdropped. Deciding that the program was too hazardous, Ian quickly shut it down. He clicked on the Internet icon instead. "Your default homepage?" He asked disinterestedly.

Owen took a peek, and nodded. "Yeah. Haven't changed it."

"Why? What's wrong with it?" Irvine grabbed an extra chair and scooted up to the QC as close as he could. "…You sure have an interesting homepage. '101 ways to kill remember everyone's names, especially your family's'. Sounds like the creator of the website has got a lot of names to remember."

"I think he does." Ian remarked, reading the introductory paragraph. It seems that this web master has got a very big family, and a whole horde of bodyguards and friends. If you wanna include his business associates, that's even more. Ahh… rich people." He clicked on the banner of the affiliate page.

"'How to escape punishment and have things done your way'." Irvine read off the screen, "Rule number one… Never forgot the smile, the pout and the doe eyes. Rule number two… When all else fails, remind others of the existence of Zero system. For best results, remind them with a smile and an unholy gleam in your eyes."

"There's only those two rules in the entire website!" Ian exclaimed, scrolling up and down and page for traces of any links.

Owen shrugged. "Why do you need more when you have rule number two?"

"Point taken." Irvine nodded.

After some more dallying on the Internet, Ian logged off and clicking on a word program. "Let me save something and delete it. I wanna see how the recycle bin works for the QC."

"Is it just me or do you have an unholy obsession with recycle bins? Deana has complained to me about you always deleting your documents on the HC." Irvine sighed dramatically.

"C'mon. I just get a kick from listening my HC say 'omae o korosu' to me."

"…You do know that 'omae o korosu' means 'I will kill you', right?"

"Of course. I'm not an American who takes language classes for nothing, ya know."

"…I'm just glad he isn't a wheat colour haired airhead and ditz who shouts, "Come and kill me!" on a cliff." Irvine muttered under his breath, and Owen just nodded.

Ian, not having heard that, pulled out the keyboard tray [2] from Owen's computer desk. "Owen, where's the *keyboard*?"

The said boy just gave him a bored look. "The QC has no keyboard," He tuned out Ian's frustrated groan and continued, "because there's no need for one. It has a special program called 'Ucchi no kokoro', or 'Space heart' if you want it in English, that takes the place of a mere keyboard."

"So how do you use it?"

"Just think of what you want to write, and it will appear on the document."

"Holy cow! It really works! Oh no, that came out on the document too…"

Owen frowned. "Of course. I run, I hide…"

"…but you never lie. Yeah, yeah, we know that." Irvine shrugged. "Honestly, of all things you could have picked up, did you have to pick up the Maxwell Company's slogan?"

The interrupted boy would have argued his case for his adoration of the slogan, but he was interrupted yet again by Ian.

"Hey Owen. How do I backspace?"

"You can't. The Space Heart picks up all thoughts, and tries to do things to rectify it. There's no way you can take back your thoughts."

"Fine then. But words that I'm not thinking appeared as well. Words like 'Thank you', 'Please' and 'Sorry' are appearing in nearly every sentence!"

"Well… the Space Heart also helps users to proofread the document, and automatically adds polite phrases like those. If you save the document, you'll find something else at the bottom of the document."

Ian used the mouse and saved it. Scrolling to the bottom, he raised an eyebrow at the extra sentence that had just appeared. "Does it always do this?"

"Yeah."

"What? What did it do?" Irvine scrambled to his chair again. "'If anything is wrong with this document, it's all my fault. - QC'… Polite guy, ain't he?"

Owen and Ian both nodded concurrently.

Irvine reached over to grab the mouse, and quickly deleted the document. For his efforts, he received a glare from Ian.

"Stop glaring at me like that!"

"I have to practice my Glare of Doom. Learnt it from a new program I got when I upgraded my HC." Ian snatched the mouse back.

Owen was lamenting over the fact that he couldn't practice being a diplomat by eating the mouse. He wasn't a cat after all. He would have continued bemoaning when Ian shouted for the lack of a recycle bin in the QC.

"C'mon Ian. The Winner Cooperation made the QC. Do you think those rich people know what is recycling [3]? Do they even have a need for that?" He replied neutrally, grabbing his pillow.

"I don't *believe* this… I'm asking the computer." Ian did just it, and was stunned when he saw forty answers for his simple question.

"It's always like this. No matter what you ask, you'll always get back forty answers. The only good thing is that all forty answers refer you to as 'Master'." Owen lay down on the bed, looking at his friends while lying sideways.

"Forget about the recycle bin, Ian. I wanna see the screensaver." Irvine ignored his friend's protests with an offhanded statement, "Chinese boys are immune to Glare of Dooms." And he pressed all five buttons on the mouse before finally finding the correct one to bring up the screensaver window. He clicked for a preview.

The screen went black, and he could only see a chibi boy with blonde hair and aquamarine eyes sweeping the floor forlornly. He was dressed in what seemed like a ragged shirt and pants, and covered in the dust that was flying everywhere. Suddenly, a blonde girl with forked eyebrows and a girl with wheat-coloured hair marched out, decked in their elegant clothing, and started to literally push the poor boy around. A woman who has two buns on her head came onto the screen next, seemingly calling for the two wicked girls. The three women left together on a carriage, and entered the palace for a ball, stated so clearly by a signboard with spray paint. As the blonde boy watch them leave, he started to cry. All of a sudden, a boy with a chestnut braid materialized next to him and with a wave of his hair, the blonde boy and himself were both seated in a golden carriage, dressed in the most stylish clothes, and chauffeured off to the palace as well. At the palace, the braided one was quickly snatched up by a Japanese boy leering at him, while the blonde boy was approached by a boy with brown bangs that covered part of his face. Coincidentally, he also had a crown on his head. They danced and danced, and finally, the prince proposed. The next thing they knew, the blonde boy and the prince were in a church, exchanging wedding rings. The braided boy and the Japanese boy were sitting inside the church, kissing with their hands all over each other. A Chinese boy sat close to them, hands crossed and pouting. At the same time, outside the gates of the church, the blonde girl and the wheat-coloured hair girl were clamoring for a way in while fending off the royal guards.

Irvine yawned. "Wow. That sure is a long screensaver."

"Cinderella without the details." Owen said, finally seating up.

"And the glass slippers." Ian rubbed his eyes. "Now, can we try out the 'escape' button?" He asked, but had already selected it via the mouse.

"NO!!!!" Owen yelled, leaping up in surprise. He knocked both his friends over in his haste, and seized the mouse. But it was too late. A warning exclamation mark had already appeared on the screen.

"Damn! It's too late! Run!" He shouted, dragging his two confused friends along.

A minute later, they heard a 'boom' and smoke wafted down the stairs. The three raced back to the room, only to see a destroyed QC and a slightly burnt computer desk.

"MY QC!!!!!" Owen cried, falling to his knees. "Ian, you idiot!!!! I told you not to do that! You only 'escape' when you're cornered by enemies!"

"Hey, aren't you supposed to say, 'Arigatou, QC'? Huh, aren't you? Aren't you?" Irvine asked, wide-eyed.

"SHUT UP!!!"

~End of Episode 4~

[1]: I hope no one is offended by this one. ^^;

[2]: You know, that tray under the computer desk that slides in and out? It's for the keyboard. I just can't seem to remember its name…

[3]: No offense to any rich people and people who don't practice recycling. ^^;;

Sorceress Fantasia @ 12th November 2002

Proud member of 1X2ML, GWML, HDML, SDDI